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Original poster

My wife is not happy about me going away

98 replies

pigsinblankets1234 · 07/01/2019 22:37

I need some advice!

Me and my wife have a 2 year old son, who will be 3 in July. We are expecting another baby in July which we are delighted about since my wife had a miscarriage last summer.

Here’s the thing, I don’t get much time to myself and I’d like to have a 2 night trip away with a good friend (male) for a walking holiday in the UK before baby number 2 arrives, something I did a few times before I became a father. This isn’t a lads weekend getting drunk and flirting with girls somewhere, instead it’s just some fell walking, exercise, fresh air and staying in a nice country pub. Some mutual friends are regularly allowed out to stag-dos which is something I’d rather avoid, and my wife knows I’m sensible - boring you might even say!

When I pitched going away to my wife, she wasn’t happy about it. No shouting or anything, just a cold shoulder and ‘what about me having some time to myself?’ attitude. I explained I was asking her first, and that my friend might not even want to go anyway. Also that if I do go away, we can try and find a date to suit her. Obviously I don’t want to go away too close to the due date in July. I would only go away if she was happy about it, and I just won’t go if she’s not happy.

I had previously offered to look after our son for a night or two to give her a break, but she hasn’t mentioned this to me any further. I explained I’m stressed with work and I just want a little bit of time to not be a husband, and not be a father, just a bit of time to be me! I don’t have any family in the area to look after our son to give me a break like my wife has got, and most of my friends have moved away from the area. As I don’t go out much, I thought I was being reasonable.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Your thoughts please…….

OP posts:

wheresmarybloodypoppins · 07/01/2019 22:47

You're definately not being unreasonable, having said that if my DH asked me the same I'd probably be giving him the cold shoulder too. Honestly just out of envy as I'd like two nights to myself.
I'd say you should go as we all need a bit of a break from time to time but I'd very much push for your DW to have a couple of nights away in return 😀

Fabaunt · 07/01/2019 22:55

You’re not being unreasonable. If this was the other gender around, people would say it was emotional abuse. I wouldn’t offer not to go. I would ask her when would suit her best, clearly not just before the baby is due but your a grown man. You don’t need explicit permission to spend a weekend by yourself, no more than she does.

GemmeFatale · 07/01/2019 23:03

Well you asked her first but clearly think she gave the wrong answer. So it’s not really asking is it?

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PerspicaciaTick · 07/01/2019 23:06

I don't think either of you are unreasonable to want a break. She shouldn't be refusing you a break, but please make sure she knows you are serious about caring for your child while she has her break....was she actually hoping you were planning a weekend away for you as a couple alone before DC2 arrived? She may be miffed that you have chosen fell walking over spending time as a couple. She may be feeling a bit trapped at the impending arrival of DC2 as she realises life is going to become another round of new born limitations for a while.
Listen to what she tells you, have a proper conversation and try to find ways you can both have a change of scene.

GreenTulips · 07/01/2019 23:09

My husband used to do this all the time - golf mainly or visiting his friends in another city. It did him the world of good! And I didn’t mind.

Why not suggest her and her/sister/friend look into a night away in a hotel or look at theatres tickets or concert she may like to attend and see if she’s keen?

My husband also used to say ‘I’ll do x’ but never did! Which drive me insane!!

So think of her first ‘hey look I’ve found a great deal for x hotel in Y location - fancy going with friend? Let’s see if we can book it and give you a rest

MoonSafarix · 07/01/2019 23:09

it's not unreasonable but it does highlight to her how trapped she is in comparison I guess.

She probably feels that her freedom is very curtailed compared to yours. All you have to do is put forward the reasonable request that you have two nights away from the family and she will if she's reasonable say yes. But it is a lot harder for her I guess. Have you supported her to have as much as two nights off in a row away from your first child? Will you be able to look after a baby and a toddler on your own?

abbsisspartacus · 07/01/2019 23:10

Maybe she is scared needs your support the closer she gets to giving birth? Plus your saying you want to not be a husband and a father for a few days that would hit me like a slap in the face I would be unreasonably irate at that and feel rejected if i wasnt pregnant I would give you a chance to explain yourself properly if I was you would be offered the chance to quit being a husband permanently with proper folding arms and tapping feet

Miane · 07/01/2019 23:12

The trip away isn’t necessarily unreasonable (kind of depends how much you pitch in at home with the kids and the house really), I would be seriously upset if my DH framed a trip away as wanting “not to be a husband or father for a few days”.

I’d be very hurt.

MoonSafarix · 07/01/2019 23:14

Yes, agree with PPs, she doesn't GET to be ''not a wife and mother'' for two days. She is locked in to it. It's full time.

Loopytiles · 07/01/2019 23:14

Seems reasonable, if you generally do your fair share of parenting and domestic work! And you both get a fair share of leisure time.

Odd that you mention local family giving your wife a break, but not you. Do you mean that you/she never ask them to look after your DC to have time together? Or take turns parenting out of work hours to have time to yourselves?

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 07/01/2019 23:16

I would guess, op that she could be upset that you can put some effort (& money) into a trip away with your friend, but don't for your family. Could that be the case?

Ragwort · 07/01/2019 23:23

I don’t think you sound at all unreasonable, my DH & I have always had frequent breaks away, is your wife particularly sensitive? Is there any reason she can’t plan & have a weekend away herself?

And I don’t think there’s anything wrong in wanting to ‘not be a parent & spouse’ from time to time, obviously you might not announce it to your nearest & dearest but I frequently think that myself, just this evening I had such an exhausting day that I opted out of family life when I got home & had a bath and a lie down whilst DH cooked dinner for himself & DS . Surely everyone needs time for themselves?

Olddognewtricks2019 · 07/01/2019 23:31

she doesn't GET to be ''not a wife and mother'' for two days. She is locked in to it. It's full time.

But we know this when we commit to motherhood. It is rarely going to be the same for fathers. I wouldn’t begrudge him the freedom he has by virtue of biology. We see threads on here where there’s a suggestion a young baby should spend time away from the mother with an ex or other family and the response is “the baby needs it’s mother”. As long as the mother is well supported, which in this case it sounds like she is

Grannyannex · 07/01/2019 23:35

How come you get a weekend away and she only gets a couple of evenings?

doodleygirl · 07/01/2019 23:39

What a load of hogwash, of course she can check out for a couple of days away, women don’t have to be martyrs.
Why do some people think when you marry and have a family you are not allowed any individual time. As long as it’s fair and you both have about the same time as each other then in my opinion there is no reason not to go.

SpoonBlender · 07/01/2019 23:41

Sounds like she would like to have a similar break, before the bump gets too big. Encourage that, you take the toddler of course, and she can go off and do something nice. Then take your weekend.

Make it a habit, even. Everyone will love it.

donajimena · 07/01/2019 23:44

I love my child free time. I phrase it as its nice not to be 'just mum' for a night

SalmonLeBon · 07/01/2019 23:48

How come you get a weekend away and she only gets a couple of evenings?

OP says a night or two, which would be a weekend, exactly the same as he is asking for.

For all the 'its full time' people, OP doesn't say his wife is a SAHM. Maybe she does get a break from just being a mum. Even if she doesn't work, OP says she has family support.

Nothing in what OP posted is at all unreasonable on the limited information available. I go away on my own for a weekend at least once a year, just to be me. It is awesome, far more refreshing than any number of whole week family holidays. Everyone should be encouraged to do the same.

Weezol · 07/01/2019 23:52

It's not your fault she hasn't taken you up on your offer for her to have a few days away.

I don't think you're unreasonable at all.

BackforGood · 07/01/2019 23:54

Sounds perfectly reasonable to me. My dh goes away (doing the same) quite a bit. It's how he relaxes. Personally, walking miles, then sleeping in a tent, and cooking a meal on a little camping stove doesn't appeal one bit, but it floats his boat so I'm just grateful he's not one of those people that thinks I should go with him.

I totally disagree with this : she doesn't GET to be ''not a wife and mother'' for two days. She is locked in to it. It's full time. The OP has offered the same reciprocal arrangement for his wife to do the same - or whatever arrangement she would prefer to do for her couple of days away, so of course she does.

I went to stay with my friend for a weekend a few times when ours were little, too. Very refreshing.

What's not to like ?

Hidingtonothing · 07/01/2019 23:54

Yep, the way you've 'pitched it' as wanting to not be husband/father is probably a big part of the problem OP, that must have hurt her to hear. And, actually, the fact that you've 'pitched it' at all, I hate feeling like I'm being 'sold' an idea like this and my DH has learned not to do it. Dropping the idea into general conversation and leaving me to mull it over and come back to him works much better for us. The whole pitch thing makes me feel sort of manipulated although I can't actually articulate why, it gets my back up anyhow, wonder if your DW is similar?

Deadringer · 07/01/2019 23:55

Yanbu. I do think the 'not being a husband and father' thing is a bit off though, you are those things no matter where you are. She has a baby growing inside her and can't get away from that at present, so she might have found that comment a bit galling. Anyway I think you should go, just make sure she gets a similar opportunity in the near future.

TechnicalSergeantGarp · 07/01/2019 23:57

Maybe arrange your dw few nights away first and then yours? You should both get the same amount of time off.

HeddaGarbled · 08/01/2019 00:04

It very much depends on whether you ever go away for weekends together and whether she does get any time off from being a wife and mother.

When you suggested looking after your son for a night or two to give her a break, what did that break look like? Was it an opportunity for her to do similar? Does she have anyone to go with? Would she feel uncomfortable about spending family money on a weekend away? Or does she not want to be away from you and your son?

I wonder whether you’d be better grabbing your “me time” in smaller chunks - you and your friend could do one day walks every few months, for example.

Dreamscomingtrue · 08/01/2019 00:06

My husband plays several different sports and has been on various trips for weekends over the past 40 years with friends. I’ve done the same and had trips away with friends or even on my own, to visit friends, when money has permitted.

I think that it’s healthy to have some “me time” apart occasionally, it makes you appreciate each other more. That’s one of the reasons that we are still together after 41 years. Maybe your wife doesn’t feel like going away now with a toddler and being pregnant, but she might want to in the future.

I don’t think that you are being unreasonable, seeing as you don’t have friends or family local and your wife does. Maybe you need to speak with her again and explain how you feel again.

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