My wife is not happy about me going away

[pigsinblankets1234]

I need some advice!

Me and my wife have a 2 year old son, who will be 3 in July. We are expecting another baby in July which we are delighted about since my wife had a miscarriage last summer.

Here’s the thing, I don’t get much time to myself and I’d like to have a 2 night trip away with a good friend (male) for a walking holiday in the UK before baby number 2 arrives, something I did a few times before I became a father. This isn’t a lads weekend getting drunk and flirting with girls somewhere, instead it’s just some fell walking, exercise, fresh air and staying in a nice country pub. Some mutual friends are regularly allowed out to stag-dos which is something I’d rather avoid, and my wife knows I’m sensible - boring you might even say!

When I pitched going away to my wife, she wasn’t happy about it. No shouting or anything, just a cold shoulder and ‘what about me having some time to myself?’ attitude. I explained I was asking her first, and that my friend might not even want to go anyway. Also that if I do go away, we can try and find a date to suit her. Obviously I don’t want to go away too close to the due date in July. I would only go away if she was happy about it, and I just won’t go if she’s not happy.

I had previously offered to look after our son for a night or two to give her a break, but she hasn’t mentioned this to me any further. I explained I’m stressed with work and I just want a little bit of time to not be a husband, and not be a father, just a bit of time to be me! I don’t have any family in the area to look after our son to give me a break like my wife has got, and most of my friends have moved away from the area. As I don’t go out much, I thought I was being reasonable.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Your thoughts please…….

A whole spectrum of opinions here, but you sound reasonable and human to me.

Sit down and have a real conversation about it where you find out how she feels and what she wants. Reiterate that you are more than happy for her to go away and do something if she wants. Maybe use a little more tact than to tell her you don't want to be her husband though?

There's a large number of people saying "But you can't escape while pregnant" which is true, but not a valid argument for preventing the OP from doing it. Nothing says that just because one partner can't do something, the other partner isn't allowed to. Otherwise I'd never go rock climbing or scuba diving, because my DP can't do those activities. However she knows that doing those things makes me happy and I'll always support her in anything she does that I can't. Instead of being resentful about "Oh, he's off doing something I can't do" then she appreciates that I love it, and it's healthy for my emotional and psychological wellbeing. When time comes for her to go out for a drink or two with her friends and I have to hold down the fort then of course I'll do that, or if she needed me to look after a kid for a few days while she had a mini break with her friends, no problem.

He should do X and she should do Y, rather than telling him that because she can't do X, he isn't allowed to either.

DH was pretty hands on, doing shift work, so he didn't just get the jam of bathtime and bed time, however he only really saw the daily grind with me on hand, so 50%parenting and imagined that was how my life was every day when he wasn't around!
That's not how it works! I'd have given my soul to the Devil to know I'd be out of the house several days a week

TBH your offer to sort dates is seeming a little hollow, you are busy at work, wanting to go for your weekend, don't want it too near to July so I can't see there being many options left for MrsPigs to actually commit to anything
The family holiday is no prize either with a three year old...same shit different location and squeezed into a hotel room together whispering in the bathroom cos there's nowhere else to go.

I am all for folks getting away to do their own thing, but it doesn't seem that MrsPigs feels the current situation is very fair and without her input it's difficult to come down on one side or the other.

I still want answers to my earlier Qs about your specific circumstances, as I think they have a lot of influence in how reasonable (or not) you are being.

Thing is, it's not like pre-children when you having a weekend away just leaves her without your company for a weekend. It leaves her without any* break for a while weekend, and dealing with all the childcare/housework. Your choice to do something nice for you is also choosing for her to have a hard weekend. She may not resent the first bit of that but be pissed off about the latter.

• unless she'll get a break thanks to her parents? Which is why we need more details.

I also need more details. How is her pregnancy, was this terrible timing re miscarriage, and could she genuinely take a weekend away and return to a clean house with a couple of weekend tasks done?

While pregnant with a 2yo I mostly didn’t have the energy for a weekend away. Weekends were for as much rest as possible to get through the work week again. And if i couldn’t return to as clean a house as my husband would if he went away, I’d have been deeply unhappy.

Yes on the face of it your request is unreasonable. But she’s pregnant , you don’t really seem to address how she feels or how much you contribute , and you seem jealous there is some family help. If you mean they take the 2yo sometimes while she is at home and you are at work she quite probably doesn’t get that time as pure recreation time. If it’s not housework or tasks it could well be a much needed nap, there is just about no tired like pregnant tired. This isn’t something to be jealous of.

Sorry reasonable not unreasonable

We don't have weekend babysitters so take turns going away for weekends with friends.

It's got a lot easier when they are slightly older.

Would suggest discussing with her but maybe the timing isn't good for her. Maybe you could discuss how/when she can have a break too.

If this thread was from a woman who said her DH was unhappy about her having a Spa weekend away with a girlfriend the comments would be entirely different, with cries of ‘controlling DH’ and ‘LTB’, typical Mumsnet double standards. And there is nothing wrong with a man or a woman wanting a break from ‘parenting duties’.

You CHOSE to be a husband and father - there's no "days off" from that and frankly it's a crappy attitude to think there should be! Even when I'm not with my dd I'm still a mum.

I totally disagree with this, and have 100% ring fenced a little bit of time to "just be me" even when it has been only once every couple or weeks for an evening, since my dc were born, (my dc are now young adults). Of course I am still a Mum, in the same way I am still a daughter, a sister, a {insert job title}, a {insert volunteer role}, but every now and then it does me the world of good to just leave the house and 'be Back', not dcs' Mum, not 'Mrs forGood', not manager at work, but just 'Back' where I selfishly - if you want to think of it as selfish - recharge my own batteries doing something just for me. It makes me a better person, including being a better Mum.

You are absolutely right Ragwort. Sadly when men post on MN, they never get sensible answers from about 1/3 - 1/2 of posters, simply because they are a man.

Lweji - The OP has booked a holiday for the 3 of them and has offered to have the little one while his wife goes off for the weekend. How is 'a night or two' not a weekend ?

Lweji - The OP has booked a holiday for the 3 of them and has offered to have the little one while his wife goes off for the weekend. How is 'a night or two' not a weekend ?

I suggest you read even what you wrote to yourself. It's not a weekend just for her.
See... holiday for 3, not a weekend on her own.
And what the OP wrote was "I had previously offered to look after our son for a night or two to give her a break" - also not a full weekend.

Yes, in the opening post I had previously offered to look after our son for a night or two to give her a break

On my calendar, a night or two would be either a weekend, or equivalent to a weekend.... Friday evening = 1 night then Saturday evening = 2nd night. I don't see how that isn't the same as the OP going away for 2 nights with his friend - OP's DW leaves for her firend's on Friday evening when he gets in from work, stays over, [= 1 night] , spends Saturday doing whatever she enjoys, sleeps at friend's on Saturday night, [ = 2nd night] spends Sunday doing whatever she does to relax and comes home around teatime Sunday. How isn't that a weekend ??

The clarification of the fact he has booked for them all to go away together was added by the OP in response to people saying she might like to go away together.

Clarifying both are there for the OP's DW.

Drogosnextwife - thank you. I think most respondents either haven't experienced mc or have missed that fact in op or haven't realised the timing.

"I forgot to put in the original post that we are planning a family holiday this year as well" sigh - that's NOT a break for her! It's same shit different scenery!

You've answered NONE of my or others questions about how SHE is feeling, how the pregnancy is going, the previous mc etc - you don't have to but I think it's telling you are avoiding telling us about this. You've also not said when you want to go.

Several have asked if she gets the same "me time" on a regular basis that you do - also unanswered.

I suspect you've posted here because your wife has said no (and has valid reasons you're not telling us), you're pissed off and have posted here hoping to get "other women" on "your side" - when actually I wonder if your wife saw this thread she'd be saying things like

"Well here's the REAL situation. He doesn't pull his weight, I'm having horrendous exhaustion/hyperemesis/spd, have had spotting that concerns me, he wants to go at around the time when I'll be same stage of pregnancy as when I had the loss and will be incommunicado, the 3 year old has hit "threenager" full pelt/isn't sleeping, and we can't really afford what this break will cost" or any variation of these. Btw even 1 makes you unreasonable imo.

And again your post is mostly about YOUR stress YOUR needing a break.

"I still want answers to my earlier Qs about your specific circumstances, as I think they have a lot of influence in how reasonable (or not) you are being." As said I strongly suspect this is WHY he's not answering certain questions. In fact he's answered sod all!

"there is just about no tired like pregnant tired." To MAYBE help op understand to me it felt like serious post-flu fatigue - and for MONTHS not a couple weeks! AND she's having to push through and continue caring for a 3 year old and I suspect the vast majority of housework and mental load too.

Ragwort - bollocks is it double standards! If op was a woman leaving a 3 year old with a man who (to balance the issues here I know pregnancy is not illness but it can make you feel pretty bloody rough!) at the time of leaving him was ill/exhausted they'd also be told they need to be considerate of their partners needs.

Backforgood - but you're never totally "off" the responsibility roll. As a mum I've also been a student, employee, volunteer, Hobby participant etc but I'm always contactable and available if needed and if dd needed me to not do one of those things (when she's been sick or distressed) she came first every time.

In pretty much exactly the same position, I encouraged DH to go for some weekends away before DC2 arrived as I could only guess at how much more full on life was going to be with 2 DC and envied him the chance to go off & have fun in a way I couldn't whilst pregnant.
I'm also not sure DH or I have ever asked the other for permission for a weekend away, we simply check the dates with each other to make sure it doesn't clash with anything. DH tends to go on at least one if not two more weekends away a year than I do but then I only work 3 days a week and a lot of my friends also work part time so I have much more chance to catch up with them during the week than DH does.
I also think it's a bit pathetic for a grown up to give someone the cold shoulder.

BackforGood
It would have been easy to write a weekend instead of a night or two if he actually meant a weekend and day time too.
So, why not take him literally to mean night time (when it's easier - just put to bed and sleep)?
The OP has since updated and never said he'd stay a full weekend with the child alone.

I can't imagine wanting to go away and basically be uncontactable, if my partner has had a mc. I'd be on tenterhooks until this of had a safe conclusion. I imagine OP's wife can't imagine it either and that's why she is responding coldly towards him.
He's phrased it all super reasonably on here (cynical me), but I think there is something a little 'off' at coming on a forum like mn, which is predominantly female because he didn't get his own way. Maybe I'm being very unfair but it feels a tiny bit manipulative.

If the baby is due in July she can’t be that much over the 12 week mark and miscarriage safety (if at all) and the first thing you thought of when this happened was that YOU needed time to recharge your batteries before the baby is born - presumably leaving her in the later stages of pregnancy
Your request isn’t unreasonable but my god your timing for both and you wonder about her reaction
Also you clearly state you won’t go if she is unhappy yet that clearly isn’t true otherwise why post here

I hate it when men use MN as a way to manipulate/bully their wives. I hope that isn’t what is happening here

I don't think you're being unreasonable to go away for a weekend.
If you've suggested that your wife has a weekend away too and she hasn't that is her choice, but just because she doesn't shouldn't stop you from doing it.

I suspect the issue isn't the request but the way it was presented. From what you've written you just don't seem to be very supportive of your wife, suggesting she drops off your child with relatives frequently and that gives her a break so that's fine. But, is she doing that so she can go to a doctors appointment or the supermarket, or is she doing that so she can have entire days to herself? Is she a SAHM? How much time are you spending looking after your child that you feel it's unfair you can't use her relatives as childcare too. The context is important.

Your post is very me, me, me with nothing to suggest you actually appreciate how it is to be mum and wife all the time. You "offered to take care" of LO for a night or two so she could do the same. That sounds awfully like "I'll babysit" and that's not good.

If my OH said "I fancy getting away with my mate to climb a hill" I'd be absolutely fine with that as long as it didn't clash with a time where it would be difficult for me to be full on with DD without support e.g if I was unwell. But importantly, we share everything 50/50. We both work and do our bit to keep the house straight. It doesn't sound like that for you because I'm fairly certain you'd have mentioned that.

Pregnant + toddler is no picnic. I wouldn't be keen to deal with that for an entire weekend.

They way you've written it, I agree with your OH.

And, can everyone here stop with the "if OP was a woman". I have never rarely heard anyone say "if OP were a man" on posts, but for some reason it is vital for someone to immediately jump in and claim double standard any time a guy raises an issue. People have different views on a whole range of different things, it's unnecessary and unhelpful to reduce everything with pointless whataboutery.

I totally disagree with this, and have 100% ring fenced a little bit of time to "just be me"

If DC is poorly do you still switch off in "me time". If something happens, do you get the call? If DC cries "don't go" before you leave, so you still switch off? If DC is having problems at school or something, does this hit your thoughts as you are me timing (if that last one is a no I'd LOVE tips on how to do that )

I get you set time aside for you but I think it's misleading to say it's 100% ringfenced.

Yes Yabbers I do switch off entirely when I am having ‘me time’, maybe I am fortunate in that my DS has never once said ‘don’t go’ when I am off for a break on my own and he has never been so unwell that I needed to change my plans. Also I have a DH who is a fully functioning adult and able to care for his own DS. I do think there is a tendency for some parents (mothers particularly) to martyr themselves and think that only they can care for their own child.

YANBU on the basis you have offered to do the same for her. I spent two nights in a spa on my own when pregnant with number two and despite having ranging morning sickness it did me the world of good to just be able to sleep and lounge about and have nice massages. I'd definitely encourage her to take a break, even make this a regular thing going forward. For all our differences my XH and I did this sort of reciprocal break now and then and it led to a peaceable home life.

This isn't unreasonable.

Being a dad/mum can often overtake everything, and it's easy to let it. You're still your own person, and so is your wife.

As long as you both have access to free time, then I see no issue.

Yes Yabbers. My dc have 2 parents. If any one of them is unwell, it doesn't take 2 of us to 'tend to' them - dh is perfectly capable and manages fine in those circumstances.

If DC is poorly do you still switch off in "me time". Yes
If something happens, do you get the call? You mean if one of them threw up or something ? No, of course not. Why would I ? I wouldn't call dh home to deal with that and he wouldn't call me home to deal with it.
If DC cries "don't go" before you leave, so you still switch off? Yes. Of course. Well, I presume so - none of mine ever pleaded with me not to go out, nor have they done that to dh.
If DC is having problems at school or something, does this hit your thoughts as you are me timing (if that last one is a no I'd LOVE tips on how to do that smile) Well no, because I'm not lying in the bath or doing something at that point that gives me an empty mind - I'm doing something else at that time.