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Original poster

My wife is not happy about me going away

98 replies

pigsinblankets1234 · 07/01/2019 22:37

I need some advice!

Me and my wife have a 2 year old son, who will be 3 in July. We are expecting another baby in July which we are delighted about since my wife had a miscarriage last summer.

Here’s the thing, I don’t get much time to myself and I’d like to have a 2 night trip away with a good friend (male) for a walking holiday in the UK before baby number 2 arrives, something I did a few times before I became a father. This isn’t a lads weekend getting drunk and flirting with girls somewhere, instead it’s just some fell walking, exercise, fresh air and staying in a nice country pub. Some mutual friends are regularly allowed out to stag-dos which is something I’d rather avoid, and my wife knows I’m sensible - boring you might even say!

When I pitched going away to my wife, she wasn’t happy about it. No shouting or anything, just a cold shoulder and ‘what about me having some time to myself?’ attitude. I explained I was asking her first, and that my friend might not even want to go anyway. Also that if I do go away, we can try and find a date to suit her. Obviously I don’t want to go away too close to the due date in July. I would only go away if she was happy about it, and I just won’t go if she’s not happy.

I had previously offered to look after our son for a night or two to give her a break, but she hasn’t mentioned this to me any further. I explained I’m stressed with work and I just want a little bit of time to not be a husband, and not be a father, just a bit of time to be me! I don’t have any family in the area to look after our son to give me a break like my wife has got, and most of my friends have moved away from the area. As I don’t go out much, I thought I was being reasonable.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Your thoughts please…….

OP posts:

SalmonLeBon · 08/01/2019 08:14

a decent person doesn't think of going away as an opportunity to "not be" these things.

I must not be a 'decent' person then. I absolutely think of my weekends away as time to not be a wife or mother. To do things that can't easily be done without people underfoot.

Eh? Surely if your dw family look after your ds this means you get a break aswell?

Not if they have the child while he is at work.

I used to feel like it was my problem to sort childcare etc if I needed to go away (either for me or for work). Once I realised that actually, DH was saying 'I am off to X for a couple of days' without checking it was ok, I started doing the same thing in return. I just tell him I am going. If he can't handle work and kids, then it is his problem to find back up, not mine, as I will be away, in exactly the same way as it is my problem to juggle when he is away. He has always said we are equal partners, with equal careers and needs. So I started to behave that way. It's incredibly liberating.

Drogosnextwife · 08/01/2019 08:18

Once again Graphista has said everything that's going through my head.

YepImafraidIchangeditagain · 08/01/2019 08:22

Put your foot down and go.
I would say the same to her.
Unless it would damage you financially etc. Not adult should have to have their reasonable free time or hobbies controlled by another person.

Ask her to let you know when she wants to do the same and you will make sure you're 100% available at home. She will have to do the same.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families General parenting

GobblersKnob · 08/01/2019 08:23

YANBU at all. My oh had had many almost spookily similar weekends away in the last 15 years.

Fwiw I love having a 'break' from being a mum and a partner. I am still 'me'. But I get that a lot through my work which is far more social that my oh's.

Oblomov18 · 08/01/2019 08:26

Of course it's totally reasonable. She is being utterly unreasonable. Ask her again if she too wants a night away? With you? With her friend? With her sister?

Aria2015 · 08/01/2019 08:26

Your not been unreasonable, especially if you are offering to afford her some time to herself in lieu of you going away. I'd look to book it sooner rather than later because it will be harder for her to manage on her own if she's heavily pregnant. Your opportunity for this kind of thing will decrease further once you have two children so go for while you have only one. Could she arrange for a friend or relative to come stay the weekend you're away so she has company and an extra pair of hands? My dh went on a stag do when my lo was a few weeks old and I had my mum over and we had a really nice time.

BrieAndOatcakes · 08/01/2019 08:27

Your freedom to leave is dependent on her being there to care for your child

This stood out to me in the previous replies and is very true. One parent choosing to go away to have a break is also them choosing for the other parent not to have one at all for several days.

I think a lot depends on circumstances- e.g. does she work? Does anyone else ever take your 2yo overnight? How much family support does she get? How well does the 2yo sleep? Is she feeling well with the pregnancy?

I'm a SAHM and if my DH had done this when our eldest was 2 (when I was also pregnant) I'd have been caring for a 2yo for 12 days on my own, no family support, hyperemesis, still BFing the 2yo as he wouldn't sleep otherwise and dealing with night wakings. I'd have been pissed off about being deprived of the relative break I got at weekends, even "just" for one weekend (as it would mean 12 days of solid childcare). BUT if your toddler sleeps well, your wife has family support and maybe also a job (for a change of scene if nothing else!), and your child isn't so high needs that's it's practically impossible for her to have a similar break on another occasion then YANBU.

Oblomov18 · 08/01/2019 08:29

I Also don't agree with this martyr thing of:' I can't have any time off' nonsense.

That's peoples choice. I regularly have weekends away and Dh is brilliant, probably better than Me!!

museumum · 08/01/2019 08:35

Your wife is pregnant. She’ll be knackered. You need to arrange her “weekend off” first or if she doesn’t want a weekend then one evening or weekend morning every week. Once she’s had her rest she will have more resources to cover for you on your weekend away (which will be more tiring for her than you as she’s the one pregnant don’t forget).

labazsisgoingmad · 08/01/2019 08:40

book into a nice hotel you can sod off walking and she can have lots of pampering massages and spa time

PaulMorel · 08/01/2019 08:45

I think Not to be a husband or father for a few days is a bad Idea. You're always a husband and a father because you are committed to your wife by love and through love, both of you have made a life and that is your kids. Whatever the decision of your wife just take and accept it.

Mayhemmumma · 08/01/2019 08:47

The problem is you describe friends ' being allowed' out...you really shouldn't be told you can or can't. For what it's worth your holiday sounds great and a good idea pre baby to get some time away. The issue here is your wife resenting something that seems perfectly fine. Your wife might not be thrilled but that doesn't mean she won't 'let you' will it?

Perhaps she's overwhelmed/exhausted and is looking for more day to day support from you? It's that or perhaps she's feeling insecure or is controlling?

Lweji · 08/01/2019 08:53

You offered to have your child once or twice
To give her a break
But you're stressed at work
She had a what about my free time attitude
You replied you're asking her in advance

And you need to ask here what's her problem and for advice?

I'd think it's obvious.

ScrumptiousBears · 08/01/2019 10:06

You are not being unreasonable. My DP and I do it every year.

Lweji · 08/01/2019 10:32

My DP and I

This is key and what the OP is missing.

Original poster

pigsinblankets1234 · 08/01/2019 10:59

Thanks for everyone who has commented so far. It's interesting hearing about reasons for both sides of the argument. I forgot to put in the original post that we are planning a family holiday this year as well before the second baby arrives. I love being a devoted husband and father, and generally enjoy my job, I just need some space every now and then to recharge the batteries and clear my head.

OP posts:

Lweji · 08/01/2019 11:15

The problem seems to be that you don't seem to think she needs time for her too, and that your time to clear your head depends on her taking extra work and responsibility.

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/01/2019 11:22

The problem seems to be that you don't seem to think she needs time for her too,

You must have missed the bit and where it has been reiterated that he has said she should do the same.

Somerville · 08/01/2019 11:24

I just need some space every now and then to recharge the batteries and clear my head.

I’d have been pissed off if DH said that to me while I was pregnant. Because when you’re pregnant you can never get away and have some space. The growing baby (plus exhaustion, needing to pee constantly, feeling ungainly) come with you. As do the limitations of pregnancy - no booze, no spa or saunas, certainly no fell walking.
Getting away for a few days was very low down my list of priorities when pregnant. I just wanted sleep, and lots of support.

Listen, you asking to go away isn’t out of order. But you didn’t actually ask, because you think she’s given the wrong answer. You should drop it for now.

Lweji · 08/01/2019 11:33

You must have missed the bit and where it has been reiterated that he has said she should do the same.

I've read that he offered before. And a family holiday is not the same as a personal holiday.

It's not clear if she actually gets breaks from her family. But the occasional couple of hours is not the same as an entire weekend, when she, being pregnant, would have to stay behind looking after their child.

I do think you need to address, first and foremost, the balance of responsibilities and free time and how you'll ensure she gets enough support during that weekend.

SillySallySingsSongs · 08/01/2019 11:38

I've read that heofferedbefore. And a family holiday is not the same as a personal holiday.

Well unless he physically forces her to what do you suggest.

He has offered to do it seperately to the family holiday. As is in the original OP.

I had previously offered to look after our son for a night or two to give her a break, but she hasn’t mentioned this to me any further.

Lweji · 08/01/2019 11:48

A night or two is nowhere near the same as an entire weekend either.

Lweji · 08/01/2019 11:52

OP, have you actually taken your child for an afternoon to allow your wife to go shopping, meet friends, relax at home, for example?

She's likely to be too tired to go out in the evening, but she may welcome a break during the day to do something on her own.

Or, have you offered to take your child on your own to see your family, leaving her to relax an entire weekend?

This is a case where I'd really suggest she took a spa weekend to compensate for your walking weekend. (it wouldn't have to be a spa, though)

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 08/01/2019 11:52

I'd love to see the woman who can take a break from being pg!
Agree that it isn't really asking if you go on line to complain, when she gives the 'wrong' answer.
I also agree that your break comes at the cost of her having increased work for the time you are away and while on the face of it, what you want is not unreasonable, she might need the rest as much if not more than you. I'd also be hurt if my DH wanted time off from being a husband.

Loopytiles · 08/01/2019 12:04

A family holiday with a two year old is different from time away as a couple or individual.

Do you and your wife get roughly equal child-free leisure time?

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