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Original poster

My wife is not happy about me going away

98 replies

pigsinblankets1234 · 07/01/2019 22:37

I need some advice!

Me and my wife have a 2 year old son, who will be 3 in July. We are expecting another baby in July which we are delighted about since my wife had a miscarriage last summer.

Here’s the thing, I don’t get much time to myself and I’d like to have a 2 night trip away with a good friend (male) for a walking holiday in the UK before baby number 2 arrives, something I did a few times before I became a father. This isn’t a lads weekend getting drunk and flirting with girls somewhere, instead it’s just some fell walking, exercise, fresh air and staying in a nice country pub. Some mutual friends are regularly allowed out to stag-dos which is something I’d rather avoid, and my wife knows I’m sensible - boring you might even say!

When I pitched going away to my wife, she wasn’t happy about it. No shouting or anything, just a cold shoulder and ‘what about me having some time to myself?’ attitude. I explained I was asking her first, and that my friend might not even want to go anyway. Also that if I do go away, we can try and find a date to suit her. Obviously I don’t want to go away too close to the due date in July. I would only go away if she was happy about it, and I just won’t go if she’s not happy.

I had previously offered to look after our son for a night or two to give her a break, but she hasn’t mentioned this to me any further. I explained I’m stressed with work and I just want a little bit of time to not be a husband, and not be a father, just a bit of time to be me! I don’t have any family in the area to look after our son to give me a break like my wife has got, and most of my friends have moved away from the area. As I don’t go out much, I thought I was being reasonable.

Am I being unreasonable or not? Your thoughts please…….

OP posts:
emzw12 · 08/01/2019 00:21

You should go! My DH and I have a 2 year old and another on the way. He goes out to stag do's when he wants to, he also goes on an annual 3-4 day skiing trip with his best man.
Why shouldn't men be allowed some time away!
To be honest I like to have that time alone with my son as well we plan something completely different to do together on those times DH is away. You are not being unreasonable at all. Go!

Drogosnextwife · 08/01/2019 00:25

I don’t have any family in the area to look after our son to give me a break like my wife has got,

Eh? Surely if your dw family look after your ds this means you get a break aswell?

You are a husband and a father. Perhaps ask your wife if she would like to go away somewhere with you for a couple of days.

Tweety1981 · 08/01/2019 00:27

Go and don’t feel guilty , just remind her that you love her and you just want to be fresh and ready for the slog when the baby comes ...

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Families General parenting
SilverBirchTree · 08/01/2019 00:36

I don't understand how her family can give her a break but not you? Surely if they are looking after your son you're both having a 'break' Confused

How much time to herself does your wife get? Actually track it and find out. Does she have a hobby? Or a time that she catches up with friends?

It's not asking if there is only one acceptable answer. I would also take issue with framing it as needing time to be 'you' and not a husband and father? My husband sees spending time with our son and I as time spent being himself, because he is first and foremost a husband and father.

I suggest you revisit the discussion but reframe it as a general and wide discussion about time and leisure for each of you, in anticipation of the new baby.

You don't mention if your wife is feeling well with the pregnancy. If she is feeling unwell physically or emotionally (not surprising if she had a miscarriage) then you're being unfeeling to leave her alone pregnant with the toddler at this time.

Graphista · 08/01/2019 00:52

Baby 2 is due in July, she's had a previous loss (mc) and by my reckoning she's around or not long past the point when mc is most likely to occur (which isn't to say she's "safe" yet from another) and you Spring this on her?!

How far along was she when she mc and how far along is she now? When was the mc? Are there risk factors for this pregnancy?

To be discussing going away (and to somewhere remote and potentially difficult to contact you) when she's quite possibly feeling very vulnerable is a shitty thing to do!

Your op is also full of the word "I" and you claim to have no time to yourself but you work and I'm wondering just how good a father and husband you are generally (and I'm not necessarily expecting op to give an accurate description of that either).

You CHOSE to be a husband and father - there's no "days off" from that and frankly it's a crappy attitude to think there should be! Even when I'm not with my dd I'm still a mum.

And yes when HER family is watching YOUR son you're BOTH getting a break.

I'd love to know your wife's side of this.

flumpybear · 08/01/2019 01:32

This happened with me and my DH 2 months before our second child. I was actually quite terrified of him being away and something happened to me, early birth, being alone with a stroppy 3yo etc.,In reality it was fine. It wasn't great having a 3 YO to look after when pregnant and wouldn't have wanted to be any further along, so I'd say do it sooner rather than later.

DH actually went away for two weeks when my second child was 2.5 months old, DD was 3.5 YO by then, this was actually ok! Albeit my mum died during this trip, she lived abroad so didn't see her as didn't want to take a newborn on a trip to the other side of the world, but again it was ok, I just took my kids to my brothers and we spent quality time together as a brother sister team (he doesn't have kids so wasn't great as a makeshift parent lol but we coped)

Id definitely say she should go away - me and DH have loads of separate holidays / short breaks (he's into walking g and has a sport he excels at so trained abroad frequently ) I often go away with my girlfriends and love spa trips alone or with friends )when I'm not being selfish and want to be alone lol!) plus we have plenty of trips away with us as a family ... works well!

Bouledeneige · 08/01/2019 01:37

You're not being unreasonable but really encourage her to take up the offer - surely she'd enjoy a weekend away with a girlfriend.

My XH and I regularly did this - it's healthy.

Sashkin · 08/01/2019 01:46

DH and I do this all the time - as long as you both get the opportunity for a break I can’t see the problem.

I’ve been to multi-day overseas conferences. I go skiing solo. DH has been on a couple of overnight trips away with friends. And I often take DS down to see granny for the weekend, or away with me on a daytrip, so DH gets some time to himself in the house. Toddlers are demanding, it is nice to have some mental space to yourself for a whole day!

Namenic · 08/01/2019 02:14

Talk to her about her reasons. She might feel scared about pregnancy as she had a miscarriage before. She might have hoped you’d go away with her for a break. Maybe she didn’t think u were serious when u offered to give her a break before.

Sounds like she is bothered by something. I would find out what it is (even if she says ‘ok’ to going away) and probably give this break a miss. You really don’t want the resentment to build because then you will have relationship problems on top of work ones.

Racecardriver · 08/01/2019 02:28

But was you offer actually a serious one. If my husband had made the same offer I wouldn’t have taken it up because I know I would return to a filthy house and children who had eaten junk food all weekend and watched hours and hours ofvtv.

SilverBirchTree · 08/01/2019 02:31

Amazed to see people saying 'just go!', as though his wife's stated opinion is totally irrelevant.

What if everyone did that? Ok with you if your wife just skipped out the door and left the toddler unattended? Your freedom to leave is dependent on her being there to care for your child. It cannot be a unilateral decision.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 08/01/2019 02:37

I feel for you OP, you seem genuine and what you ask is not unreasonable. However from her point of view are you her best friend, would she love a weekend away with just you? Have you done this together since the miscarriage? Can someone look after your child so you can take her away for a weekend just you and her? This has all gone through my mind on similar occasions and the cold she is showing you may just be a cover for sadness and hurt

snitzelvoncrumb · 08/01/2019 03:21

I don't think it's unreasonable, as long as it's not in the last couple of months of pregnancy. My husband goes away a few times a year for a break. When my little one is a bit bigger I will be doing the same.
As long as you are ok with your wife doing the same when she is ready.

Loopytiles · 08/01/2019 07:12

Perhaps OP’s wife is a SAHM whose family sometimes have DC for a bit during the hours OP is at work.

PoutySprout · 08/01/2019 07:23

If this was the other gender around, people would say it was emotional abuse.

This is nothing to do with gender. The word you want is sex.

bengalcat · 08/01/2019 07:28

Totally reasonable as many of us seem to say . However as she’s just gone quiet on you can I suggest you corner her over it and explicitly ask what’s bothering her as her initial response wasn’t ‘ great that sounds like fun - enjoy ‘ . People have hinted at a number of theories here but only your wife can tell you . Me time is important even and perhaps especially in a relationship with children .

Jackshouse · 08/01/2019 07:35

When do you want to go? How is her pregnancy? If she is exhausted and still feeling sick then a weekend with a toddler by yourself if going to be very hard work.

anniehm · 08/01/2019 07:38

It's not unreasonable but you need to ensure she realises she can have a night away too! How about looking on group on for a cheap overnight spa deal and suggest she goes before the baby is born and you care for your son? A couple of nights away each, last opportunity before number 2 arrives is far better sounding than you saying you need to get away from being a husband and father!

moredoll · 08/01/2019 07:46

I don't think YABU, though you may have worded it badly. We have 2 year old DD and do this. DP is just back from a few days holiday with friends. I had a weekend break with a friend in Europe in the autumn. DP is fully involved with parenting and there's no issue about him coping without me.

PeaQiwiComHequo · 08/01/2019 07:47

sorry I think yabu.

what jarred was you saying you want a couple of days "not being a husband and father" which is an attitude that simply stinks. a decent person doesn't think of going away as an opportunity to "not be" these things.

but anyway you are being very selfish. your wife clearly desperately needs a break but is probably thinking that attempting to have one wouldn't "work" (eg 2yo would be too upset without her, and she'd find it too difficult to switch-off). if you can find a way to allay her concerns and actually facilitate a proper break for her - whether alone or with one of her friends or whatever - then after that has happened it would be reasonable to organise your own break.

BikeRunSki · 08/01/2019 07:54

But we know this when we commit to motherhood

No we don’t. The full on intensity of being a mother can not be described effectively, only experienced.

OP, I think you are being perfectly reasonable. Pick a date a while before the baby is due - I’d say not after the middle of May and work on that. I don’t know where you are in the country, but could you be only a couple of hours away if needed? That might make you wife feel happier.

Also - book a family holiday/mini break for this spring - with babysitting available! (Or even just the 2 of you if someone can have your son) - and write your wife a “voucher” for a weekend away with her friends/family/no children of her choosing in 18 months time or something.

DH and I are both cyclists. He does 24 hr mtb events, I like cycletouring. We both manage about 1 weekend away each a year. It is difficult to relinquish control as a mum though, if you are used to doing everything your way.

costacoffeecup · 08/01/2019 07:58

I don't think what you're asking is unreasonable but maybe you should have gone before she got pregnant. Being pregnant with a toddler is shit with nobody else there to help, even just for a couple of days. She's probably feeling sick and exhausted at the moment so maybe the wrong stage to ask! Do you both work too or has she got toddler on her own all week?

SweetheartNeckline · 08/01/2019 08:02

Has it been absolutely clear that the money and time will be there for her to have a break away with a friend? Does she have equal leisure time in the evenings and equal lie ins or naps at weekends? Is there a financial strain on you both at the moment?

Other than the reasons given above tbh it depends what you mean by "cold shoulder"; I'm relatively happy for DH to go on stag dos etc a few times a year, but I don't share in his enthusiasm or get excited for him! It's usually just a "yeah, fine, put it on the calendar." Could you be misreading her disinterest as something more... passive-aggressive?

I was mighty pissed off when DH returned from his 4th weekend away in 2018 and told me they'd already planned a 5th. No problem in theory but I was knackered from looking after the kids and his timing wasn't great. I was fine with it in the end but (irrationally) felt that rather than missing us and coming home eager to pitch in with his "real" life he already had his eye on when he could check out again! So if you'd just got in from a week away with work or your 4th night out in a row she's probably feel hurt, especially if you used the "not wanting to be a husband and father" line. I know what you mean but it makes it sound like you want to escape the life you have together.

SoyDora · 08/01/2019 08:03

YANBU to go away for a couple of days, as long as she gets the same in return.
YABU to say you don’t want to be a husband or father for a couple of days. You’re always going to be those things. I’d be a bit pissed off if DH said he wanted a break from being my husband!

SallyWD · 08/01/2019 08:09

It's not unreasonable at all and it will do you good. I'm a strong believer of people having time to themselves and not feeling stifled in a relationship. The same goes for your wife though. I'd strongly encourage her to have a weekend away before the baby comes and make sure she feels supported.