I'm really sorry, I've name changed because I'm a coward and I didn't want this to be linked to my usual NN.
My second DD is 8mo and today everything has finally gotten too much to the point where now I think I'm finally admitting I need help.
This post will probably be so rambling and hard to follow, I'm sorry, I just need to get it all out even if no one replies.
From the day she was born I've not been away from her for longer than 4 hours because she's BF and absolutely refuses to take a bottle (we have tried countless times, with countless bottles, breast milk, formula etc etc) She is very clingy towards me, for example the other day I met up with a relative who offered to hold DD while I ordered a coffee, only she screamed so much because I wasn't holding her that I had to go back and get her, and she instantly shut up. The only other person she is happy with is DP, but sometimes even then she will scream if I'm not the one holding her.
We're having an awful time with teething, colds, she doesn't like to nap unless she is at home in our bed so going out is a nightmare because she resists falling asleep in the pram. She only goes 1.5 hours between naps, any longer than that and she is miserable. So most of the time between school runs I am at home because it's just easier.
For the past month there's been multiple occasions where I just lose it and cry, me and DP have heart to hearts and I tell him I'm not happy and not coping. The next day we go back to normal and the cycle starts all over again. He doesn't get to go out much (except for work) but when he does go out with his friends it's like a kick in the teeth. I spend most of my days alone looking after the children, I only have 1 close friend who has her own young baby and another on the way, I couldn't burden her with this. I don't have anyone else I can confide in. I'm too ashamed to admit that I need help. DP is the golden boy in his family, I feel like I can't admit that I'm failing because I need to be just as good as he is. Everyone is always saying what a good dad he is, I never hear that I'm a good mum.
I'm trying to keep on top of the housework, declutter, do household admin, organise Christmas and it feels like no one is helping. DP does a lot of the cooking but is by nature quite messy, like me, I'm trying not to be. He just doesn't see what needs doing and isn't bothered by the mess, whereas I am. I never used to be particularly house proud, it's only started since second DD came along, so I'm trying to juggle everything and setting myself impossible standards that i can never reach.
I can't cope anymore. My 5yo is so used to hearing my cry and yell at her sister to be quiet and sleep, she is going to grow up remembering me shout, just like I remembered my mum doing to us.
My mum walked out on us, she had a breakdown and had undiagnosed mental health issues. To a 13 year old girl it felt like she just got tired of being my mum and a wife and left it all to start a new life. I promised myself I would never be like her, but here I am wanting to just leave everything behind and start a new life. I love my DP so much but I've considered splitting up with him just so I can have a break from my children and the endless cycle of parenting and housework. At least then I'd have time to be truly alone.
Today I lost it (again!) and called DP up at work crying and struggling to breath properly, because I'd had an hour and a half of constant screaming from DD when I tried to put her down for a nap. She is still breastfed to sleep (we have tried stopping this but DD will get hysterical if she isn't fed to sleep) and I had spent so long ignoring my other child trying to get her to sleep and just lost it when she cried because I took my boob away from her. I swore at her and left her and locked myself in the bathroom to cry.
In that moment I felt like I hated her, I couldn't even look at her when I put her down for the night. I just feel resentment towards her. Me and DP both admitted tonight that we feel like we made a mistake, we fight so much more and we're not happy like we used to be. I just want it to go back to how it was when it was just the 3 of us.
I love my baby so much, but I don't feel like I like her. I don't enjoy being with her anymore, she deserves so much more than me.
I'm sorry this is so jumbled up, I just needed to say it to someone, for maybe someone to tell me that it will be ok? I'm scared I might have PND, I suffered with anxiety when I was pregnant with her, I feel like I'd be admitting defeat if I went to a doctor. I just don't know what else to do. I want to be happy again, but right now I feel like I'm drowning