I feel like having a second child has ruined our family

[cowardly]

I'm really sorry, I've name changed because I'm a coward and I didn't want this to be linked to my usual NN.

My second DD is 8mo and today everything has finally gotten too much to the point where now I think I'm finally admitting I need help.

This post will probably be so rambling and hard to follow, I'm sorry, I just need to get it all out even if no one replies.

From the day she was born I've not been away from her for longer than 4 hours because she's BF and absolutely refuses to take a bottle (we have tried countless times, with countless bottles, breast milk, formula etc etc) She is very clingy towards me, for example the other day I met up with a relative who offered to hold DD while I ordered a coffee, only she screamed so much because I wasn't holding her that I had to go back and get her, and she instantly shut up. The only other person she is happy with is DP, but sometimes even then she will scream if I'm not the one holding her.

We're having an awful time with teething, colds, she doesn't like to nap unless she is at home in our bed so going out is a nightmare because she resists falling asleep in the pram. She only goes 1.5 hours between naps, any longer than that and she is miserable. So most of the time between school runs I am at home because it's just easier.

For the past month there's been multiple occasions where I just lose it and cry, me and DP have heart to hearts and I tell him I'm not happy and not coping. The next day we go back to normal and the cycle starts all over again. He doesn't get to go out much (except for work) but when he does go out with his friends it's like a kick in the teeth. I spend most of my days alone looking after the children, I only have 1 close friend who has her own young baby and another on the way, I couldn't burden her with this. I don't have anyone else I can confide in. I'm too ashamed to admit that I need help. DP is the golden boy in his family, I feel like I can't admit that I'm failing because I need to be just as good as he is. Everyone is always saying what a good dad he is, I never hear that I'm a good mum.

I'm trying to keep on top of the housework, declutter, do household admin, organise Christmas and it feels like no one is helping. DP does a lot of the cooking but is by nature quite messy, like me, I'm trying not to be. He just doesn't see what needs doing and isn't bothered by the mess, whereas I am. I never used to be particularly house proud, it's only started since second DD came along, so I'm trying to juggle everything and setting myself impossible standards that i can never reach.

I can't cope anymore. My 5yo is so used to hearing my cry and yell at her sister to be quiet and sleep, she is going to grow up remembering me shout, just like I remembered my mum doing to us.

My mum walked out on us, she had a breakdown and had undiagnosed mental health issues. To a 13 year old girl it felt like she just got tired of being my mum and a wife and left it all to start a new life. I promised myself I would never be like her, but here I am wanting to just leave everything behind and start a new life. I love my DP so much but I've considered splitting up with him just so I can have a break from my children and the endless cycle of parenting and housework. At least then I'd have time to be truly alone.

Today I lost it (again!) and called DP up at work crying and struggling to breath properly, because I'd had an hour and a half of constant screaming from DD when I tried to put her down for a nap. She is still breastfed to sleep (we have tried stopping this but DD will get hysterical if she isn't fed to sleep) and I had spent so long ignoring my other child trying to get her to sleep and just lost it when she cried because I took my boob away from her. I swore at her and left her and locked myself in the bathroom to cry.

In that moment I felt like I hated her, I couldn't even look at her when I put her down for the night. I just feel resentment towards her. Me and DP both admitted tonight that we feel like we made a mistake, we fight so much more and we're not happy like we used to be. I just want it to go back to how it was when it was just the 3 of us.

I love my baby so much, but I don't feel like I like her. I don't enjoy being with her anymore, she deserves so much more than me.

I'm sorry this is so jumbled up, I just needed to say it to someone, for maybe someone to tell me that it will be ok? I'm scared I might have PND, I suffered with anxiety when I was pregnant with her, I feel like I'd be admitting defeat if I went to a doctor. I just don't know what else to do. I want to be happy again, but right now I feel like I'm drowning 

Aw.

You need to speak to your GP. You know you do.

You love your DD very much, and it will all be fine. Better than fine - it will be great. But first you need to get better. Ask your DH to drive you to your GP tomorrow morning and to stay there with you and the baby until you have seen a doctor.

Or if not the GP, your health visitor. Phoning mine was the best thing I've ever done. My DS is similar. He likes to be fed to sleep still but I'm getting him used to no boobs before bed. He is very clingy to me and even DH struggles with him because he usually only wants me.

Hang in there. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. At the end of the day, you're doing the best you can, and you can do this.

And you're a great mum. You just have off moments. And that is totally fine.

I think you need to get into your GP/midwife and tell them you're at breaking point.

It won't be like this forever.

It's all so shite now, I know. But it does get better. You know that too.

There isn't a mother out there who hasn't ever for at least a fleeting moment looked at their child and silently thought 'SHUT THE FUCK UP'.

You know you need to see someone about it. It's not supposed to feel like that. Your older DD is at school most of the day so you should have that time to enjoy your lovely baby. At 8mo she will be clingy. She loves you and needs you. I really struggled when my second was born and was in a pretty bad way. You need to see someone tomorrow.

Yes to seeing your GP but also having a clingy screamer is utter hell on earth. My one like this nearly broke me and I went back to work when she was 6 months to have a break from her!!!!

Please don't feel that you are a bad Mum you are doing amazingly under extremely tough circumstances

Please call the HV or GP, you can do this

Blimey, you're being a great mum. Your baby loves you so much she wants to be with you all the time! It doesn't mean you shouldn't need a bit of a break once in a while. No wonder you've hit a wall.

This will get better. It will. However for now, you need to talk to your GP and get help. My best friend is the best mum I know and she crumbles into pieces with her second baby. Her GP was amazing, she had medication and counselling. It helped her so much.

Her baby is now a really happy teenager and she's an even better version of herself - and happy!

Please don't struggle on. PND takes many forms. There's no shame. 

Oh my dear, you are at the end of your tether.

Do you have a health visitor? I would recommend you give her a call, explain what you have here (you don't even need that much detail, just "I can't cope anymore and feel like I'm drowning" will do). Your health visitor will be able to visit you in your own home, and help you find the resources you need or the techniques you could use to find a way out of this tunnel.

You sound like you need a rest, and for someone to be in your corner with you.

It sounds hard. I'm not a doctor, but maybe it's not PND, maybe it's exhaustion from a very hard life. By all means, see the GP but to me it sounds like you have many legitimate reasons to feel so down.

Would you consider formula feeding your youngest? I did this with one of mine due to the exhaustion and after spending yet another night crying to myself in the bathroom I decided to reset our whole routine. With the bottles, DH and I switched to one night on, one night off until I was human again. It didn't take thay long to get back on my feet, just a few good sleeps.

Now the bottle get DC is 5 and is just as smart /healthy as his older breast fed sibling.

You could also express into bottles and get your DH to do a couple of nights?

You need to put less pressure on yourself! Speak to GP/HV and to your DP and tell him you need him to step up with cleaning etc. Also - she is 8 months now, you are so near the point when it does get a little easier as food is introduced. It won't be long, i know it feels like eternity, but you are nearly there. maybe introducing some food would be something to think about, it may help keep her settled?

Chin up - you sound like an amazing mother and I'm fairly sure your older child won't remember anything that will scar her for life! It feels like the end of everything when you are in it but it isn't. Please speak to someone, you need some help with things.

Some babies are tough. Try using a sling. Find your local sling library and try some out. Hopefully she'll sleep in it which will give you more freedom.

Let your house be messy, or hire a cleaner if you can afford it, even if it's just for a one off clean.

Ps you are not your mum. You're just gave a tough time.

My older one was littler when my second arrived, so still quite capable of being a pain in the arse, but I definitely had moments of thinking life would be easier without my youngest to look after too.

I always love them both, but to be honest on any given day I like the one who’s causing me least grief. Most often a 5y/o is easier than a clingy 8 month old. It will get better and you’re not wrong or bad for feeling the way you do. But crying every day & feeling at your wits end sounds horrible for you. I second advice for you to see Gp/home visitor.

And maybe be blunt with husband about what you need. I.e talking it through is one thing. You need a break! At 8 months baby should be weaning right? Can you schedule food/breast feeding to give you a good few hours away?

I echo what pp have all said - you're doing an amazing job even though you're at your wits end. My two have a similar age gap and I felt just like you did. I spoke to my HV at the time and got the help I needed. I wish I'd admitted I was struggling sooner. It got easier and you will get through this, promise. Sending hugs 

You have admitted that you're struggling on here and tp your partner. You have to do so to other real people too; that's the only way you're going to get any help. Struggling is not failing. It's not admitting defeat. It's not weak. It's human and it's normal. People who love and care about you and your partner will want to help but they can't 9nly do so if you let them.

When my youngest was the same age I had very similar feelings for what sound like similar reasons - a baby that cried a lot and was rarely happy and essentially trapped me in a prison of my own making. Three things helped: 1) going back to work and sending the dc to nursery p/t. I felt horrendously guilty for that because of all the shit we're fed about good mothers looking after their children and not farming them out to childcare so 2) I had counselling or therapy to help me forgive myself for finding it so difficult and for putting my own mental health above my child's for a few days a week and 3) time. My youngest didn't really grow out of that awful, crying, whingy phase until at least 18 months, if not older, but as time went on and they ate more solid food and less milk and napped less and played more with their older sibling they relied on me less and we were less confined to the house.

I think you need to speak with either your gp or your health visitor to make sure there's nothing physically wrong with your dd that isn't making her so unsettled and to arrange some therapy for you. It sounds like you are at risk of developing some sort of depression as a result of your circumstances now and when you were growing up and you need some support to help you overcome that.

I've been there and it's shit but it does get better, slowly.

I really feel for you. Clingy babies are so draining.

Definitely go to your GP or health visitor. My dd hated prams too but she was fine with being put in a backpack. I used to do the cooking somethings with her on my back, she loved that thing.

You need to speak to your GP. This is not normal, life can be much better than this, and you sound really unwell. If you can't bear to make the appointment ask you DP to do it and also ask him to take you to your appointment that way you'll have support and he can manage the DC if you don't have anyone to leave them with.

On a practical note you DC will be weaning to solids and will be requiring less milk. You can (and prob should with a bottle refuser) wean straight to a sippy cup. I did with mine and it was ok. You're probably not in the right frame of mind to make major changes so can your DP take some time off work to take the lead on this?

After all of this you should look into help with sleep.

You're a great Mum! You're doing all of the right things and asking for help where you can see a problem. We ALL need help from time to time. 

I don't have any advice but you're not alone. My second baby has been a clingy bad sleeper. He just turned 12 months and this year has been the worst year of my life. I'm not coping but I don't think I have depression, I think life is just hard and I don't have anything left to give. My baby is getting better but not fast enough. I'm a totally shit parent to both him and my two year old. Life was OK before he came along, it isn't OK now.

OP you have nothing to be ashamed about! Your baby sounds like hard work! Please speak to your GP or HV tomorrow! PND is no different than a fractured leg or flu-it is a hormonal imbalance that can be quickly dealt with by using antidepressants. You are not a failure! My kid screamed for eight months straight if he wasn’t eating or sleeping he was screaming bloody murder. I cannot imagine dealing with him and an older child! Take care. Best wishes.

"There isn't a mother out there who hasn't ever for at least a fleeting moment looked at their child and silently thought 'SHUT THE FUCK UP'."

That should be a meme. OP it gets better.

Some great advice on here OP. I recognise these feelings and I was diagnosed with PND when DC was around the same age as yours. You will not feel like this forever, I promise

Print out what you've said here, and take it with you when you talk to someone. It might help them to understand how bad things are for you. Also, you're not a bad person for feeling this way, at all, and don't worry about that. Sounds like kid2 is super challenging!

I'm suspecting that the root problem is an unrealistic expectation that no matter how exhausting a child is, that the mom will always be able to cope. And that's just not true at all. Parents in your situation with more realistic expectations would have already been reaching out for help, and not stop until they got it, and not beat themselves up for needing it.

You're chronically sleep deprived at this point, for instance. As well as, every adult human needs adult interaction (in addition to chatting with your DP) and humans also need fun time, and relaxing time, and time to recharge. You're not getting any of that, no wonder you're fantasizing about leaving!

So you need those things, and you're entitled to them. Now go out and get them. You need somebody to watch the kid for a couple afternoons a week on a regular basis from now on, and for awhile just to get your bearings back, maybe even more. I'm going to say something which is unpopular. You need to sleep and you need time away from your daughter. She is going to scream her lungs out at first and guess what, too bad. Mom needs her (your) sanity back and your sanity is first priority so everyone else is just gonna have to deal.

Oh God, I remember this so well.

Tbh I am not sure that PND causes this so much as having a hard work baby causes PND, I am certain it did for me. I remember the impossible standards, like I couldnt control this little screaming dictator that was determined to wear me down that I could at least control everything else. The house could be spotless, I could make complicated and delicious meals, I would dress myself and my children immaculately....and of course I failed more often than I succeeded.

One thing you do have is a supportive DP, which imo makes a huge difference. I had this twice, in each of my marriages. My first husband was no more use than fucking ornament and decided that on his one weekend off a month he would join the TA. I would just "have to cope" with our DD. My second husband decided that he would arrange to work different hours so he could be at home at the worst times, despite it affecting his promotion prospects. He was there for DD2 (and mainly me) as often as he could be. Struggling when someone is holding your hand is so much more bearable, so please keep talking to him.

I agree that seeing your GP or HV is the first step. It isnt failing, no one who has a happy healthy child (and yours is) is failing.

If you had broken leg or a bad back would you consider it to be failure to call the doctor? Mental health is no different to physical health, it needs looking after and sometimes it needs a bit of help. Take care my love xx