I feel like having a second child has ruined our family

[cowardly]

I'm really sorry, I've name changed because I'm a coward and I didn't want this to be linked to my usual NN.

My second DD is 8mo and today everything has finally gotten too much to the point where now I think I'm finally admitting I need help.

This post will probably be so rambling and hard to follow, I'm sorry, I just need to get it all out even if no one replies.

From the day she was born I've not been away from her for longer than 4 hours because she's BF and absolutely refuses to take a bottle (we have tried countless times, with countless bottles, breast milk, formula etc etc) She is very clingy towards me, for example the other day I met up with a relative who offered to hold DD while I ordered a coffee, only she screamed so much because I wasn't holding her that I had to go back and get her, and she instantly shut up. The only other person she is happy with is DP, but sometimes even then she will scream if I'm not the one holding her.

We're having an awful time with teething, colds, she doesn't like to nap unless she is at home in our bed so going out is a nightmare because she resists falling asleep in the pram. She only goes 1.5 hours between naps, any longer than that and she is miserable. So most of the time between school runs I am at home because it's just easier.

For the past month there's been multiple occasions where I just lose it and cry, me and DP have heart to hearts and I tell him I'm not happy and not coping. The next day we go back to normal and the cycle starts all over again. He doesn't get to go out much (except for work) but when he does go out with his friends it's like a kick in the teeth. I spend most of my days alone looking after the children, I only have 1 close friend who has her own young baby and another on the way, I couldn't burden her with this. I don't have anyone else I can confide in. I'm too ashamed to admit that I need help. DP is the golden boy in his family, I feel like I can't admit that I'm failing because I need to be just as good as he is. Everyone is always saying what a good dad he is, I never hear that I'm a good mum.

I'm trying to keep on top of the housework, declutter, do household admin, organise Christmas and it feels like no one is helping. DP does a lot of the cooking but is by nature quite messy, like me, I'm trying not to be. He just doesn't see what needs doing and isn't bothered by the mess, whereas I am. I never used to be particularly house proud, it's only started since second DD came along, so I'm trying to juggle everything and setting myself impossible standards that i can never reach.

I can't cope anymore. My 5yo is so used to hearing my cry and yell at her sister to be quiet and sleep, she is going to grow up remembering me shout, just like I remembered my mum doing to us.

My mum walked out on us, she had a breakdown and had undiagnosed mental health issues. To a 13 year old girl it felt like she just got tired of being my mum and a wife and left it all to start a new life. I promised myself I would never be like her, but here I am wanting to just leave everything behind and start a new life. I love my DP so much but I've considered splitting up with him just so I can have a break from my children and the endless cycle of parenting and housework. At least then I'd have time to be truly alone.

Today I lost it (again!) and called DP up at work crying and struggling to breath properly, because I'd had an hour and a half of constant screaming from DD when I tried to put her down for a nap. She is still breastfed to sleep (we have tried stopping this but DD will get hysterical if she isn't fed to sleep) and I had spent so long ignoring my other child trying to get her to sleep and just lost it when she cried because I took my boob away from her. I swore at her and left her and locked myself in the bathroom to cry.

In that moment I felt like I hated her, I couldn't even look at her when I put her down for the night. I just feel resentment towards her. Me and DP both admitted tonight that we feel like we made a mistake, we fight so much more and we're not happy like we used to be. I just want it to go back to how it was when it was just the 3 of us.

I love my baby so much, but I don't feel like I like her. I don't enjoy being with her anymore, she deserves so much more than me.

I'm sorry this is so jumbled up, I just needed to say it to someone, for maybe someone to tell me that it will be ok? I'm scared I might have PND, I suffered with anxiety when I was pregnant with her, I feel like I'd be admitting defeat if I went to a doctor. I just don't know what else to do. I want to be happy again, but right now I feel like I'm drowning 

You sound like how I was. I had severe PND and was in denial for months.

I needed an intervention from family to get me to the GP's. Best thing that ever happened to me.

There is no shame in saying you can't cope. You have an illness, you need to get better and your life will change for the better very soon.

I was prescribed anti depressants and forced to stop breastfeeding and HAD to get baby on the bottle. DH made me leave the house for the whole day so he could establish it. Was tough but worked.

I then had 20 sessions of CBT which has transformed my life.

You will come out of this hole but you CANNOT do it without support from doctors.

Please please call them today and start your recovery.

I think I would try pushing her in the pram no matter how much she screams, eventually she’ll stop and fall asleep if she’s exhausted. Getting out really helped my state of mind when DD was a baby.

, you’re doing brilliantly, it’s very hard.

Just a thought about the body straightening and wriggling, do you think she might be uncomfortable? Reflux or similar? DD had grown out of it at that age, but that’s what she used to do.

Ah this is horrible to read, and I could have written it myself a few months ago.

I just want to say- it WILL get easier. It was so so much easier for me when my daughter turned 1. She also completely refused the bottle, was ultra clingy with me and screamed intermittently all night long. It was exhausting, and led to lots of arguments with DP- probably because we were both so tired and stressed. We had two a year and a half apart, which made it very hard.

Please go to speak to someone for some help, but please please be assured that it will get easier!

You are giving yourself too much of a hard time and you need to understand that some children are just very very difficult.

and even if you speak to some HCP or GP, not all are that understanding, even other mothers aren't that understanding, unless they themselves have had a very difficult child.

if you have had a very clingy child or a screamer other women who have had that will totally understand how you feel.

how are you feel is completely understandable. please stop giving yourself a hard time.

some people have very easy babies and they would not be able to understand why you are feeling the way you feel.

on mumsnet there are lots and lots of women who have had very difficult children, often very difficult second children and that's why a second difficult child comes as a shock.

Ds1 was the easiest baby ever. Ds2 cried every night, all night, off and on. He bought me to my knees literally.

Hope that other posters telling you they understand brings you some solace.

But you have had previous MH issues, so you must speak to your GP or HV.

Sometimes it's PND.
Sometimes it's not, and it's too easily classified as PND, when what it actually is, is a very difficult baby.

I would look online and research more about slings, maybe go to a sling library which they seem to have in most towns so they can give you some to try and fit it properly for you- any sling which suggests facing a baby forward on your chest tends to be not very ergonomic and excruciating painful even for lighter weights (hello there my nemesis babybjorn!!!)

The gym sounds like a good idea but since you can't get time to yourself as it is, you probably won't have any more success after paying for a gym membership. I think there are baby park fitness groups you could join to get out a bit and maybe she would be more amused if she saw other babies in pushchairs and eventually conk out?

I'm not sure if you said, how is she with crawling and pulling herself up? Does she prefer to stay inside as she gets to move about that way?

I identify with a lot of what you've described. My life was very similar when my youngest was a baby. It's hard. You are juggling a lot, all of it hard work, none of it with any acknowledgement or reward (emotional, psychological or financial). I know very few who wouldn't feel as you do. However, if even in your better days you feel shit, or the feeling is pervading all aspects of family life, then do see a doctor.

Life changes,OP. And quickly. Life will not look the same this time next year. You are in the eye of the storm.

OP, I've been where you are. I was convinced I'd messed DS1's life up by having another baby who screamed all the time and never slept. Poor DS1 never got a look in for a long time until DS2 outgrew his reflux. It was miserable and I wondered what the hell I'd done (I'd bet many, many parents feel like this sometimes after having another child). It was exhaustion, basically. Once I got more sleep everything was so much easier. None of us can imagine not having DS2 now - he's such a happy, funny boy who is an absolute joy. I just wish I could have seen the future when I was shattered and in the depths of despair when he was tiny, it would have really helped me to know I hadn't made the biggest mistake ever!

Well you need to stop feeling guilty and selfish

This sounds like a lot of your problem. You have set such high standards for yourself as a mother. But this is a marathon, not a race. You say you are very overweight and would like to join a gym but you won't. You have to look after your health, first and foremost, OP, and being overweight is a health issue.

It will take three days to retrain your dd out of needing to be feed to sleep. I've given you the method I used but you would have to adapt it because of your bad back.

Please, please just take a decent break and go out on your own (or take your older child if that would help you). You are actually pushing your DH away by not enabling him to have some time alone with the baby, think of it as important for him. And if you were rushed into hospital your family would HAVE to get on without you. I know it’s easy to say but just try and give yourself some time away from the situation.

Joining a gym and not being able to go would probably make you feel worse. Can I gently suggest you consider taking up running? If someone had suggested that to me a year or two ago, I'd have lamped them. I was so unfit and couldn't leave my baby. But I've just finished a couch to 5k app and my God, it was exactly what I needed. You only need 30-40 minutes out of the house, so you can start leaving DC with DP for really short periods and still feel like you've achieved something for yourself in that time. The app I did was supposedly nine weeks long, but it took me about six months, because things kept getting in the way. But I kept going and feel a lot better for it. If it's tough, you can keep repeating the first couple of weeks for months on end - there's no hurry.

I went to the baby weigh in clinic to talk to someone. I've never been before so didn't expect it to be like how it was.

With my first DD I would see the HV at my doctors in a private room so I thought it would be like that, however this one was in a large room with a waiting area and 2 HV doing weighing in front of everyone, no seats to sit down so I didn't really feel like I could speak honestly as there wereother people around 

I did mention in a "hahah I can't cope with these kids" type way and the HV I saw sent me to speak to someone who I thought was another HV. She then told me this person was a breastfeeding support peer so I thought at least I could ask for advice about getting DD to take a bottle or sippy cup. Turned out it was a group with other people and children there.

I was sitting there doing the usual small talk with the other people thinking at they were waiting for more people (only 3 other mums there) and then there would be some sort of formal "does anyone have any concerns/questions" type thing. And then the lady running the group said it was time to pack up!

So I didn't really get any advice. I've never been to a breastfeeding support group so I'm not sure if that's what they're normally like?

Anyway the HV I spoke to just called to ask how it went and I talked about trying to break the feed to sleep association and weaning onto a bottle and she's going to send me some info through the post. My HV is back next week so I'm going to call her then and ask if I can see her in private to talk.

OP, I was also going to suggest you try the couch to 5k NHS app c25k, it starts really gently, the early weeks take no time, and it builds up at your pace. The hardest part of it is getting out and doing the first session because you feel like a right Muppet (well I did anyway). Even better, if you can find a running group that does the c25k local to you, you will meet lovely supportive people all in the same boat as you, it's something just for you, with very little time or money commitment. Sorry your HV visit was such a disappointment, don't give up.

Please speak to your Gp they will get you the help you need.
You sound like a brilliant mum !
Speak to your partner and tell him you need some time to yourself maybe get him to take the baby out for a few hours every week it's not fair that you have all the pressure on you.
I really hope your okay, admitting that you need help is the first step in the right direction.
Xxx

Please please go to the doctor. Your HV will only send you there, so don't delay any longer waiting to meet with the HV, it's juts a delaying tactic. I know you are scared but if you do have PND (and it sounds like you might) then that is what is making you so scared of failure, of admitting 'defeat' as you call it. Make an appointment tomorrow and go. I promise once you actually reach out and access help, things will start to improve. But you need to go to your GP.

How are you doing @cowardly?

Sweetheart you need a break! You're not a machine. Everyone needs sleep and rest and you're no exception. Anyone would feel the way you do given what you're going through. Please stop beating yourself with nettles. 

I could have written your post word for word with DS1 (first baby) - I didn't go to the GP because it felt like admitting defeat. I wish I had. OF COURSE I had PND.

If you're in any doubt, complete the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression test. psychology-tools.com/epds
A score higher than 12 suggests depression. I scored 22 and still pig-headedly insisted I was just tired. I could have got help and got to the light at the end of the tunnel so much earlier than I did. Don't be like I was. Life can be better.

On a practical note - a sleep consultant will probably help. Go by word of mouth - if you've got friends who used a good one. I was recommended Mel at Sleep Nannies (have a google) and it was £55 for a single 45 min telephone consultation and having followed her tips on the call, my infuriating non-sleeping twin slept through from night 1 (we were like 😲) and from then on has slept really well since - aside from when he's ill / teething. Well worth £55.

Thoughts with you OP. You've done the right thing posting here. It's the first step to things being better. And we'll all be cheering you on. 💞

It will get easier, I promise you, but you need help now. See your GP or HCP for advice. And accept any help you can get.

Babies are exhausting, it’s really tough being a mum I know, my DS2 was really, really hard work he is 15 now and absolutely gorgeous. But the first few years were an absolute nightmare and the reason there has never been a dc3! It does get better, just hang on in there. Sending you a big hug OP 🤗

I think you really need to prioritise yourself here. If you can get a sleep consultant in, you must sort the sleep issues so you can get more rest and a break. Do you have a lactation consultant anywhere near you? Sometimes they do drop ins at children’s centres and cafes etc. Some of them work wonders helping stubborn babies take a bottle or jump straight to a beaker. I really hope it improves for you soon.

I think also that the difficult things that happened with your own mother can affect you when it comes to your own mothering.
For example my mother always acted very overwhelmed and stressed out by me and my siblings and I sort of internalised the message of “children are overwhelming and stressful.” So when I came to have my own, I sometimes found I was turning into my mother because I’d start feeling overwhelmed by them and finding them stressful and I’d be losing my temper at them like she did. I’ve had to really reprogramme my mind to realise that I don’t need to feel overwhelmed, not everything has to be perfect, she was such a perfectionist and anxious about pleasing my dad who wanted everythjng to be perfect and she had other stuff going on too.
It also sounds like you have a very high needs baby and that’s incredibly difficult for anyone. It puts so much stress and strain on your life. I agree with everyone who’s suggested getting support. And I also just think that as a mother it would really help to talk to someone about how you felt in your relationship with your mother. Sometimes it’s hard to give what we haven’t received ourselves, unless we get healing in that area of our lives.
It’s such a tough age, eight months , because you’re already exhausted after months of sleep deprivation. One thing I found helpful was to remember that even if I felt like I was going crazy inside, my baby was experiencing being loved because I was going to her, responding to her needs. Babies don’t need us to be perfect. Hope you get all the support you need and that things get better soon

I think it might be worth investing in a sleep trainer coming to stay with you. They know how to break all the challenging habits like feeding to sleep and will hold your hand and support you through the process. Friends of mine say it was worth every penny as they were at breaking point too.

Thank you everyone, I've had a good day today, despite baby stresses when we went out for lunch! DD(5) is off school for half term so has been keeping me company.

I had planned yesterday to have a relaxing day at home and bake the cookies that I bought for me and DD to make ages ago. Unfortunately I got some pretty bad news about a family member that meant a lot of phone calls, stressed out relatives and crying. I can't say what it is, because it isn't good, it just caused a lot of stress. I ended up with a migraine but luckily my SIL was around to take my DDs out and youngest DD behaved with no screaming fits (progress, I think!)

I feel like now I need to focus all my energy on my relative, even though practically there is nothing I can do.

I took that test that a PP posted the link for (sorry, I can't remember your username!) and I got a 16  but now I'm feeling like I'm ok, and it would be wasting my Doctors time to see them. I have some really good days and some really bad days.

To be honest, I'm so scared to see a doctor. Either they'll say I'm just a bit stressed, or I have to admit there is something wrong with me and I'm terrified of admitting that 

Cowardly, I really don't think you'd be wasting a doctor's time at all. PND is serious and has long-term effects on families. So it's not just you, it's also about what your kids are learning, about what's ok. You want to model taking appropriate care of your own health - you have admitted you're struggling - the next thing to do is talk to a GP about your mental health and about how you can get appropriate support, surely?

Sorry to hear about the family member and good to hear about progress re DD2. Hope things get sorted soon all round. Sending hugs from a total stranger.