Can’t cope with being a mother any more

[SpikyCactus]

I’m so tired of being a mother. DS is 8 months and has never slept. He will only nap on me and only sleeps in my bed at night. Attempting to put him in his cot just results in screaming. He isn’t achieving milestones - he can’t sit independently and vomits if I feed him any food that isn’t virtually liquid. Most of the time he screams if I try to put him down.

I’m the sole carer because DP works long hours and grandparents are too elderly to do anything except hold the baby for a while. If I ask DP to look after the baby he gets angry. Even if he does take the baby he makes me feel bad about it and I’m not allowed to rest because he repeatedly asks for help. I’m constantly exhausted to the point where I can’t actually parent. I don’t have the strength to play with my baby or take him out in the pram. I put him in his playpen and just sit there staring at him, trying to force my eyes to stay open.

This afternoon my DM held the baby while I popped to the Post Office. I hadn’t been washed or brushed my hair because as usual I was too exhausted. My clothes were random and mismatched, whatever still fits and was reasonably clean. I shuffled along, jaw hanging slackly, shoulders drooping, dark circles under my eyes. A lady in the queue behind me nudged her son and said “that’s why you shouldn’t do drugs or you’ll end up like that”.

I used to be pretty. I had hobbies. I had a job that I can’t afford to go back to. There is literally no joy in my life any more, it’s just a constant fight to stay awake.

Get DM to come over for a 4 hour block and sleep. Or go to hers and sleep in a bed, any bed!

There’s no quick fix. I’ve bred the worst sleepers (they’re delightful now at 16, 8, and 4!). I absolutely feel your plight, you poor, knackered soul. I really have been you... and I know exactly how bone drenchingly tired you are.

I’d see your GP (not HV) regarding your baby’s development.
I’d look into getting a night nanny, even short-term, if you can really try and afford this - for your sanity’s sake.

Your DP... hmm, that’s an issue to face once you have sleep on your side. He sounds incredibly unsupportive. But cross that bridge later.

DM does her best. She takes the baby for an hour every afternoon so I can rest. That’s her maximum before he starts to cry, or needs changing or feeding, or her arthritis starts to hurt and she can’t hold him any more. I cry when she wakes me up to hand him back.

I disagree with Vanguard and recommend you see your HV. They are experts in normal child development and assessment and can also give you the emotional support you need.

I'm seconding the recommendation to see your health visitor, they have a bad rep on here but mines was really good and helped a lot!

I'm prepared to be shot down but have you tried controlled crying? You need to sleep, I would put the baby down in his cot and let him get on with it. The fact you can't get washed or have the time to dress must be so incredibly difficult and is probably affecting all aspects of your physical and mental health. I know there are some who are totally against distressing babies unnecessarily but wouldn't it be better for the whole family if you could get a decent sleep and start functioning normally again?

Also it goes without saying your husband needs to step up, (he sounds useless at best and abusive at worst) but if finances can't allow for help in the form of a nanny are there any local teens etc you could hire as a casual babysitter, supervised to start with and then slowly start increasing so you can have a catch up once a week?

I would speak to your HV about the milestones.

Can you book a babysitter for a few hours (proper one qualified to look after 8 month old) to give you a break.

Your DP sounds useless - time for him to step up.

I’m so sorry op it’s so hard

As others have said, talk to your health visitor.

I’m prob going to get flamed too but I did controlled crying with my nightmare sleeper. Took 3 nights of utter hell but it worked.

Or could you afford someone to come and babysit for and afternoon twice/three times a week to allow you to sleep. Do no housework, chores, just sleep

Unless the hours he works are 24/7 “D”P needs to step the fuck up and start being a parent. He doesn’t get to be angry for no good reason.
I would speak to health visitor or even GP re feeding and milestones. If there are any underlying health issues it will make it so much harder for you.
Any friends or other family that could help at all? Even for a whille?
Can you arrange a night off? Go away? You need sleep.

Agree with PP, speak to your HV she should be able to help you.
Also, I know your DS is very young but have you thought about other childcare options since you can't get much help from family? Maybe one day in nursery or with a child minder/baby sitter would be enough to help you get some rest. And tell your do he needs to step up - can he not see how physically and emotionally drained you are? My DP was working day and night when our DS was newborn and he always took over the parenting when he was home (and awake!) so I could have a break. He shouldn't use work as an excuse.

First priority, do go and see someone about your babies development because the feeding, the delay in milestones, the screaming when not being held are all big markers from my personal experience and the experiences of others.

Secondly you can't pour from an empty cup, you need some support - make sure you get this across to your GP or HV also. HV's can refer for many services but they are very stretched at the moment so it depends which area you are in as to what kind of experience you get.

Ask anyone to come and watch baby while you sleep, if you are exhausted then there is no way that you will be able to function.

There isn't much point trying any kind of controlled crying method until you know what's going on with your babies development and whether there is a bigger issue in my view.

So sorry. I’ve had such lame advice from HVs in the past, hence my previous advice. DH is a GP and the health visitor who comes to his practice is extraordinary! They aren’t all the same, of course. I really had a couple of HVs I didn’t rate.
Anyway GP or HV, get your baby assessed and you poor soul, try and look into a night nanny, a daytime sitter, or Mum staying for 2 hours instead of one. This is really hard when you have a non-sleeping screamer, I know. But you have to be able to get more than an hour’s break.

Your DP is a big problem. It’s just awful that you can’t depend on him. I can’t believe his lack of support.

I wish I could come and give you a big hug. You sound very down, I think before you worry about baby you need to get yourself sorted.

Can you afford to put baby into a nursery for a morning/afternoon? Once a week where I am normally costs about £30 for a half day and £50 for a full day. Most places you have to do at least 1 full day or 2 half days. You will get some rest and baby will be out socialising with other people. I'm putting my little girl into nursery before I go back to work because I need a rest but also I think it will do her good. So many mums I have met have commented on how their babies developed once they went into nursery.

As for the looking like a druggie, don't worry about that. When I go to baby group I feel so much better because everyone looks a proper mess. No make up and sweat pants. I don't know many new mums who wear make up or fit into their old clothes!

This maybe controversial but as we head into autumn and the nights are cooler I think it would be safe to try and swaddle your baby. My aunt was a foster parent, she has looked after hundreds of babies and swears by it. You could watch a YouTube video on how to do it and try it for his nap in the day, this way you can watch him and check he is safe. Once you are happy try it over night.

It sounds like you are struggling to bond with your baby because your so tired, of you feel like this perhaps you need to go and see your divorce about post natal depression? Do you have any friends who could look after baby even just for an hour or two so you can get some sleep? Sleep will make you feel better, I know it's difficult when your baby cries and cries. It will get easier, things will settle, in the mean time get some help from a friend or pay someone xoxox

Your husband is a fucking disgrace. He needs to get with the programme.

If you had his support, just think how much better your life would be. He cannot just check out like this! He wants no part in it because he sees how bloody hard it is and clearly can't cope. You deserve better

I agree with getting a good health check on your baby, some of the things could be a health problem. If the HV seems nice then have a chat about the other problems like lack of support.

Can you put your little one in a chair in the bathroom while you shower. I used to play nursery rhymes and use the fisher price chair ( I got mine on eBay for £15).

I was a zombie too but you know what it does get better and you will get through it. Find ways to make your life easier and try to get out to things. As tired as you are it will be nice to have a change of scene away from the house.

There are lots of church baby groups or baby activities such as Hartbeeps, baby sensory. It breaks up the day. I looked like a mess but I enjoyed it. Just walking there as tired as you are makes you feel better.

And yes my baby napped on me until 1 and I just went with it.

I think you need to have your baby referred to a paedatrian.

It shouldn’t be this hard - sounds like 65% there’s underlying health/development problems with your baby and 20% standard baby problems and 15% your husband should absolutely be doing more

Mate. Genuinely if you were my friend I’d take baby out for 4 hrs and let you sleep
Are you in SE Kent per chance?

sounds horrific we had a very difficult time with DC3 and it nearly broke me.

Please pester HV and GP to get him reviewed.

Does Homestart still exist? Have you got any spare money? If so a qualified babysitter so you can sleep. Or, this might sound controversial but a i used a teenage girl from across the road to play and cuddle and chat to LO while I was seconds away in the next room. Just so I could have a cup of tea and wash the dishes without a baby attached to me. Just an hour or so.

I tried controlled crying but it lasted about ten minutes. I just couldn’t listen to my baby scream.

We don’t have the cash for babysitters or nursery. And if I did buy myself some time I have no doubt that DP would expect me to use it to catch up on the housework I barely do. He’d whinge about stuff not being done and would say “you had all of Tuesday morning free, why am I paying for childcare just for you to laze around, I don’t get a morning off work, etc”.

There is literally nobody else who could babysit except DP, and I don’t like to ask him because he gets angry. He doesn’t see why he should have to do solo childcare when I’m in the house (so I can rest? Apparently not a good reason for him to have to cope on his own). Tonight I was napping on the sofa while he changed the baby and it was a mess so he repeatedly moaned “oh fuck, for fucks sake”. I ignored him so he started yelling that he needed clean clothes. I still ignored him so when he came back in the living room he kicked off and yelled at me. Basically I’m not allowed to rest. Whenever he takes the baby he’s angry about it and says stuff like “let’s go out for a walk, your mother doesn’t want you”. Or if I say I want to go to bed and try to give him the baby he’ll grab him and yell “Go! Just go!” I always feel like he babysits with resentment not love (and I know it isn’t babysitting, it’s just a convenient word)

You need some help and DH clearly won't give it. Another poster has mentioned it but you need Homestart. I volunteered with them. The volunteers are parents who understand how excruciatingly hard parenting is, especially when you aren't sleeping. We can come and just look after your baby for 2 hours while you sleep if that's what you need. But you need to be referred by HV or doctor. Talk to your HV about how unhappy you are. This will get better.

“let’s go out for a walk, your mother doesn’t want you.”

Your DP is a fucking disgrace.

You’ve had good practical advice on services to access, but it’s not much use if you’re dead on your feet and can’t function.

Aside from the GParents, what support network do you have? Have you got siblings or any friends who could take baby for an afternoon?

OP - you poor thing, your husband is a disgusting monster. I hate it when people do that bullshit thing of being so angry and useless at something that you don't ask them again. You're probably depressed and it's very easy to see why. I've just looked at the Homestart website and I think it would really help you access help. Can you go to your mum's for a few days with the baby? I wouldn't bother telling husband about Homestart.

Whenever he takes the baby he’s angry about it and says stuff like “let’s go out for a walk, your mother doesn’t want you”. Or if I say I want to go to bed and try to give him the baby he’ll grab him and yell “Go! Just go!”
You need to get yourself straight so you can leave the bastard. I was already angry with him but this is utterly disgraceful. Poor you and poor child having a waste of space father.

Health visitor
Home Start
Google safe cosleeping and get that child down for two naps a day. When he sleeps, you sleep.
Bouncy chair in bathroom with you so you can shower. Even if it's a basic shampoo hair, rinse body, out.

Can you baby wear to free hands because I bet you don't eat properly either.
Do you have a spare room? Could you convince DH he'd get more rest in there and you have the baby in with you at night?

And seriously consider if there's anywhere else you can go. When you aren't cleaning up after an abusive araehoke you'll feel better even without any extra sleep