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Parenting

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Original poster

Can’t cope with being a mother any more

99 replies

SpikyCactus · 21/09/2018 20:32

I’m so tired of being a mother. DS is 8 months and has never slept. He will only nap on me and only sleeps in my bed at night. Attempting to put him in his cot just results in screaming. He isn’t achieving milestones - he can’t sit independently and vomits if I feed him any food that isn’t virtually liquid. Most of the time he screams if I try to put him down.

I’m the sole carer because DP works long hours and grandparents are too elderly to do anything except hold the baby for a while. If I ask DP to look after the baby he gets angry. Even if he does take the baby he makes me feel bad about it and I’m not allowed to rest because he repeatedly asks for help. I’m constantly exhausted to the point where I can’t actually parent. I don’t have the strength to play with my baby or take him out in the pram. I put him in his playpen and just sit there staring at him, trying to force my eyes to stay open.

This afternoon my DM held the baby while I popped to the Post Office. I hadn’t been washed or brushed my hair because as usual I was too exhausted. My clothes were random and mismatched, whatever still fits and was reasonably clean. I shuffled along, jaw hanging slackly, shoulders drooping, dark circles under my eyes. A lady in the queue behind me nudged her son and said “that’s why you shouldn’t do drugs or you’ll end up like that”.

I used to be pretty. I had hobbies. I had a job that I can’t afford to go back to. There is literally no joy in my life any more, it’s just a constant fight to stay awake.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

buffysummers4 · 23/09/2018 12:10

It's lovely that so many people have offered to help and I totally agree you need some real life help and support as it sounds really tricky. But can I suggest if you decide to contact anyone who has offered to help you meet them in a cafe or somewhere first and get to know them a bit before asking them to your house. I'm quite sure all the posters have the best of intentions but just be sensible. And meeting in a cafe still gives you the chance to talk to someone supportive, have a bit of a cry if you need to, drink a coffee while someone distracts baby. My husband can be very critical and I do know when I'm exhausted and feeling vulnerable I find it much harder to be assertive with him. However I'm getting better at pointing out when he's being ridiculous rather than getting upset by it. If you think your husband is safe with the baby I would go for a walk rather than staying in the house so he has to learn to cope. I know that doesn't solve the sleep problem but it might get him into a better pattern of doing his bit. Also check you're not iron deficient - I was with my first and thought it was just normal small baby exhaustion but I felt loads better on iron supplements. That was a bit of a ramble but I really hope you find some sources of support really soon.

TheWeatherGirl1 · 23/09/2018 20:10

Our local health service in Herts will help out with a sleep consultant if your baby is still resisting the urge to sleep after 6mths.
Could this be something that's on offer to you?

Your husband is a knob, I'm so sorry.

tamzinro · 23/09/2018 20:17

@juneau it's damaging to let a baby cry and not respond

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Cottonsheets · 23/09/2018 20:40

Please, please got to your GP and explain how desperate you are. Be blunt, shout if you have to. Homestart is an excellent idea. Someone will come around to your home and help. That will let you get on your feet. You sound beyond exhausted. Once you are able to sleep and recharge you will be able to tackle other issues with a clear head. Sleep deprivation is debilitating. Your partner's needs do not exist. His behaviour is dispicable. You and baby are the most important thing right now. Best wishes to you.

buffysummers4 · 23/09/2018 20:48

That may be true but it is also not good for baby to have a mum at breaking point from exhaustion so overall controlled crying was the better option for us as a family and I was able to be a much better mum with a bit of sleep. However OP it doesn't sound to me like you are in the right place for controlled crying at the moment as if you are going to do it properly you have to be determined and partner needs to be on board too. Also special needs should be ruled out first.

buffysummers4 · 23/09/2018 20:49

By special needs I was including things like allergies which might cause discomfort. Medical conditions might have been a better phrase, I don't know how to edit my post sorry!

juneau · 23/09/2018 20:53

@juneau it's damaging to let a baby cry and not respond

For 10 mins? No, it's not. If you neglect your baby then THAT is damaging, but to finish your shower first, or get dressed, make a cup or something else it's fine. You can talk to your DC, sing to them, etc, to let them know you are there. You do not need to rush to their side within seconds and making the OP feel that she does, when she's already run ragged and exhausted is completely wrong. HTH.

buffysummers4 · 23/09/2018 21:02

One of the most useful things in my baby book was to imagine baby was a younger sibling - they would sometimes just have to wait while you sorted the older one and so not to feel bad if you needed to go to the toilet or something. I won't be back for a while as I'm trying to cut down my time online but I will be thinking about you OP and I hope you can find some more support very soon.

frippit · 23/09/2018 21:13

Hi op please message me if you're in the Cheshire or Wirral area I would like to help. I had similar with my daughter, she's grown up and a mum herself now x

ApocalypseNowt · 23/09/2018 22:21

If your West Yorkshire way, pm me x

Original poster

SpikyCactus · 23/09/2018 23:00

Thanks so much to everyone who has offered to help. I’m not near any of you and (no offence) would feel a bit nervous about leaving my baby with a stranger. I am truly grateful for your kindness though.

I’m going to call my GP in the morning and ask him for a baby checkup. Although DM says I was a non sleeper so it might be hereditary. If I could stay with her for a rest I would, but she’s in her 80s now (we both had kids very late!) and she lives in 1-bed sheltered housing and isn’t permitted to have anyone else there. Every afternoon she drops by and spends a whole hour with DS but her health precludes her doing more.

It’s DP who really needs to step up. I appreciate that his job is important and poor performance could jeopardise the income we rely on. But an hour or two less sleep wouldn’t kill him.

OP posts:

Ignoramusgiganticus · 23/09/2018 23:13

You have to be cruel to be kind.
You need to leave him to cry with controlled crying. Yes it seems cruel but is it far better for him to have, say three nights of crying then a rested mother who is happy and engages with him in a positive way, than have the miserable, tired mother he has now that isn't bonding with him as she should. Short term pain for long term gain.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 23/09/2018 23:16

Also think of trying the cranial realignment therapy/massage thing that is supposed to work wonders with babies that have experienced trauma due to their birth.

Ignoramusgiganticus · 23/09/2018 23:18

cranial osteopathy

Yellowsunredroses · 23/09/2018 23:26

Ignoranus - you shouldn’t do controlled crying on a baby that has or might have health issues. If they are in pain for example - it’ll cause massive damage to them

WanderingTrolley1 · 23/09/2018 23:33

Controlled crying on a baby who could possibly have health issues/be in pain?!

Unbelievable.

timeisnotaline · 24/09/2018 01:09

This is not a situation where controlled crying should be tried. The poor baby has something hurting them, be it silent reflux or some misalignment and needs help. Op, good luck with the gp. Don’t be tentative. Play desperate and that you know something is wrong.

Batteriesallgone · 24/09/2018 10:59

You have to be cruel to be kind.
You need to leave him to cry with controlled crying

You ever been ill? Needed care? Is this the attitude you’d like applied to you?

pumkinspicetime · 24/09/2018 13:22

I wouldn't do controlled crying at this point and I say this as someone who did use sleep control methods. You need to be sure there aren't medical issues causing distress.

timeisnotaline · 24/09/2018 19:49

Did you get onto a gp op?

Gillian1980 · 24/09/2018 21:26

Aw, I’m so sorry that you’re struggling OP. If you’re in Devon give me a shout. I fully understand that you’d not want to leave your baby with a stranger (neither would I!) but happy to get in touch and maybe help in some way once I’m not a stranger. Your dh sounds like he needs a huge kick up the arse - nobody should be suffering the way you are.

peachgreen · 25/09/2018 23:17

OP if you're in NI please PM me - I'll come and make you a cup of tea and do some housework for you etc. My little girl is 8 months too and I had very severe PND at the start so I know a little of what you're going through.

Your partner is disgusting. I don't even know what to say about him. But you deserve (and need) so much better.

Home-start are a fabulous organisation - do ask your GP or HV to refer you.

ChiaraRimini · 29/09/2018 18:23

OP did you go to the doctor? Have you had the baby checked over for reflux etc. If not meeting milestones you need to ask for a referral to a paediatrician. It's not normal for an 8 month old to scream continuously unless held. You may need to push for help. Try the health visitor too.

gilmoreg · 29/09/2018 20:36

Also checking in to see how everything went. I feel for you reading this!

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