Can’t cope with being a mother any more

[SpikyCactus]

I’m so tired of being a mother. DS is 8 months and has never slept. He will only nap on me and only sleeps in my bed at night. Attempting to put him in his cot just results in screaming. He isn’t achieving milestones - he can’t sit independently and vomits if I feed him any food that isn’t virtually liquid. Most of the time he screams if I try to put him down.

I’m the sole carer because DP works long hours and grandparents are too elderly to do anything except hold the baby for a while. If I ask DP to look after the baby he gets angry. Even if he does take the baby he makes me feel bad about it and I’m not allowed to rest because he repeatedly asks for help. I’m constantly exhausted to the point where I can’t actually parent. I don’t have the strength to play with my baby or take him out in the pram. I put him in his playpen and just sit there staring at him, trying to force my eyes to stay open.

This afternoon my DM held the baby while I popped to the Post Office. I hadn’t been washed or brushed my hair because as usual I was too exhausted. My clothes were random and mismatched, whatever still fits and was reasonably clean. I shuffled along, jaw hanging slackly, shoulders drooping, dark circles under my eyes. A lady in the queue behind me nudged her son and said “that’s why you shouldn’t do drugs or you’ll end up like that”.

I used to be pretty. I had hobbies. I had a job that I can’t afford to go back to. There is literally no joy in my life any more, it’s just a constant fight to stay awake.

Sorry didn't see you said the hv was useless.

I also bred bad sleepers, the twins nearly broke us, but DH has always given a (sometimes inept) shit about us.
It’s not baby keeping you awake that’s the the problem, it’s dealing with a non sleeper and an arse of a husband that’s bringing you to breaking point.

Your baby will learn to sleep through but your husband won’t magically grow out of being unkind.

Get all the help you can. Even useless HV, your lovely mum, nice neighbours, local teens to babysit etc. Lots of little bits of help add up.
A college near us teaches child development courses and their students were a godsend.
Your DH is being an unconscionable cunt but you can’t tackle him till you’re back on your feet.

You’ll be ok though, babies get easier very quickly from here on in.

I feel so awful for you reading this. You may as well be a single parent as you’d have the same ‘workload’ but no unhelpful partner treating you shittily to add to your stress. There’s some great advice already been given but also... if you’re in London please PM me I’d love to be friends

Post natal depression and post natal psychosis are buzzwords for HVs. Even useless ones.

If you phone up and state that you believe you are developing post natal psychosis then she would be negligent not to refer you for some help.

She might try and bully you into retracting the statement but just tune her out and repeat yourself over and over until she pulls her finger out.

Your husband is definitely an arsehole. You don't "babysit" your own children!

Take a weekend off and leave him to cope. He may appreciate you more!

OP, please PM me if you are near W Midlands. I'd like to help xx

I am so sorry to read about your experiences OP. Your DP sounds horrific - choosing to pay golf. What an abusive arsehole. Would you think about moving in with your mother for a bit? If she can at least hold the baby for an hour. Maybe you will get a few more snatches of sleep? At least you don’t have to listen to abusive comments. You need to go to your GP immediately you could have PND (although in all honesty who would feel down given what your currently facing). A huge good luck. As other posters have said I wish I could reach through the internet and give you a hug.

Op hugs to you, I thought my dp was useless but he's no where near this bad! Do you challenge him? I'd have a full on hissy fit if dp ever said that to me when I was as exhusted as I am right now with my 11 week old.
Not helpful but maybe get a sling or co sleep so that baby is with you and you both can get some rest.
See the HV and gp and make some noise if your concerned about his devlopment. Babies develop differently so stop comparing and get him checked out.
You honestly may not feel it but your baby adores you and your doing a great job, you just need some support X

I'm Cumbria. Please let me know if I'm near enough to help. I have 3 kids nd experience with difficult kids 2 of mine were much like yours and my youngest is Autistic. If I'm close id be happy to help

Oh op this is heartbreaking, you poor poor thing!

I can't help with the "d"p other than agreeing with everyone else that he is an utter piece of trash, but maybe can offer some reassurance over the development concerns. All babies are so different, my DD pulled herself to standing at 6 months but my Ds who is a few weeks shy of 6 months is NOWHERE near that, he is not even close to sitting alone, can only roll one way, head still a bit wobbly. I can't imagine he will sit for many months yet.

DD who is 20 months is THE WORST weaner ever, and still has 2 bottles a day, she could gag on air! She had puree until she was well over a year. I read a book a few months ago called " why won't my toddler eat" and it was sooooo helpful and stopped me stressing, I would highly recommend it. She still eats like a pigeon but it's ok.

Big hugs op, will be thinking of you.

All good advice here OP and I’m sorry you’re having such a bad time. Sleep deprivation is awful especially when you have no reprieve and support. Do you talk to anyone about what’s going on? I imagine those around you can see how hard it is but I wonder if they realise how ground down you are

Message me if you are East Midlands

I would tell your DP his golf days will be out the window if this relationship fails and he has sole charge of a baby half of the week. Put the wind up him. Are you married? That would be a concern if not in the event of a split. Any way you can at least get back to work for your sanity? . I wouldn't ask your DM to step up, that's not fair. And yes, push your HV.

Op pm me if you are in south west London. I’m a cm. I will be happy to help, free of charge obviously. I have been in your shoes minus the unsupportive arsehole partner.

I’m in West London and will travel OP. Seriously. PM me anytime! I’ve raised three shrieking non-sleepers and would be more than happy to stay with you and yours while you sleep.

Oh op, I'm sorry it's rough.
It does get better.
I'm in Kent and happy to help

Sorry August, I hope I don’t sound like I’m doing a ‘pick me’ dance.

OP I really hope you can/will take a MNer up on the offer of help. You’re in the trenches with all the trimmings and it’s beyond tough. Reach out!

Glos and also happy to help and have a daughter who would too. I'm a social worker.
Try and take one of us up op, I had a horrendous sleeper, now 7 made bearable by a decent husband so can't imagine how hard it is for you.

Hi OP, DS was very similar to this when he was a baby. Slow to reach milestones, never slept, cried all day long everyday. I too was in an abusive relationship. I got extra support from the HV, DS is now being assessed for autism at 5. And left my abusive ex who never wanted to help me, when he was 18 months. Our lives improved massively once I'd gotten us both out of that situation.
I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this too. If you are anywhere near Yorkshire, please feel free to message me and I am happy to travel so you can have a few hours of sleep or some support. It won't be like this forever, I promise you.

OP if you're not even managing to wash or brush your hair or get properly dressed then things have got completely out of hand. You may not like listening to your baby cry, but it doesn't actually hurt him to do so. Put him in the bouncer, or in a playpen/travel cot, and take a shower. DS1 liked to be held a lot, but it never stopped me from washing, even if he screamed.

As for the sleep thing - FGS ask both your HV and your GP for help. You are clearly and understandably absolutely exhausted and your family aren't in a position to offer much support.

Know this though - your baby does NOT need to be held all the time, nor do you need to pick him up and hold him the instant he starts crying. It may be hard to get much done when you have such an unhappy DC, but life must go on and he needs to learn that as much as you do. I know its hard to think straight when you're so tired, but right now you're not fit to drive, by the sounds of it, so please ask for some help as a matter of urgency.

Barnardos has a home help service, give them a ring?

@TheVanguardSix no worries :)

Your dp sounds horrid. Is it an option to go and stay with your mum for a bit as she is more helpful?

I know what it's like regarding the sleep deprivation. However my dh was helpful daily and did the night shifts on Friday and Saturday nights which made all the difference.

Please speak to your HV. I remember having some very dark times when I couldn't deal with it. I recall leaving the baby with dh when I nipped to the post office and then couldn't face going home for several hours.

Please see the gp about your baby too. But other than the useless dp things DO get better, promise

Please take someone up on an offer. One of us is bound to be near to you and there are lots of us willing to help who have been where you are now.