Can’t cope with being a mother any more

[SpikyCactus]

I’m so tired of being a mother. DS is 8 months and has never slept. He will only nap on me and only sleeps in my bed at night. Attempting to put him in his cot just results in screaming. He isn’t achieving milestones - he can’t sit independently and vomits if I feed him any food that isn’t virtually liquid. Most of the time he screams if I try to put him down.

I’m the sole carer because DP works long hours and grandparents are too elderly to do anything except hold the baby for a while. If I ask DP to look after the baby he gets angry. Even if he does take the baby he makes me feel bad about it and I’m not allowed to rest because he repeatedly asks for help. I’m constantly exhausted to the point where I can’t actually parent. I don’t have the strength to play with my baby or take him out in the pram. I put him in his playpen and just sit there staring at him, trying to force my eyes to stay open.

This afternoon my DM held the baby while I popped to the Post Office. I hadn’t been washed or brushed my hair because as usual I was too exhausted. My clothes were random and mismatched, whatever still fits and was reasonably clean. I shuffled along, jaw hanging slackly, shoulders drooping, dark circles under my eyes. A lady in the queue behind me nudged her son and said “that’s why you shouldn’t do drugs or you’ll end up like that”.

I used to be pretty. I had hobbies. I had a job that I can’t afford to go back to. There is literally no joy in my life any more, it’s just a constant fight to stay awake.

Have you spoke to the GP about reflux? He def needs checking out if he's not weaning.
I can't remember the other milestones at this age as DH missed them all but if he seems behind speak to HV and get her to look at a referral to pard consultant and physio

Your DP is an utter disgrace and an abusive bastard. You need to leave him but I understand you need support to get yourself in that position. HV first, get the baby checked out. Can you move in with your mum? Home start for sure. You are absolutely doing the best that you can. But none of this is ok or normal. And I think if you manage to get your DH out of the picture, everything else will be just a little easier.

Your DP is as pps have said a disgrace. You can't babysit your own dc. However assuming you are a single parent with no spare cash, speak to HV for baby and GP for you try and get help from both.

I’m no expert but I sounds to me that 3 things are likely

1, Your baby has a undiagnosed health condition
2, Your husband is abusive to you
3, You are depressed and may have PND

Can you print this thread (or part of it) and take it to your health visitor as/or doctor to read. You need and deserve help and advice on all of these things.

You poor thing. You sound like you are on your knees, and no wonder.

Your DP is a selfish, compassionless, useless tosser, who cares only for himself. You should seriously consider leaving, once you have the wherewithal to do so.

Has anybody considered if your DS might have reflux? This can cause a lot of the symptoms you mention. I am also wondering if he might be hypermobile. This can cause problems with swallowing, reflux, and can cause milestones like sitting upright to be later/delayed. Of course, it might not be that, but it is one possibility. I agree that you should push GP/HV for referral to a paediatrician.

In terms of you getting more rest - which sounds absolutely vital - could you go and stay with your DM/ parents for a while? Even if you still had to do most of the looking after the baby, not having to cook, shop, clean etc would give a little more time to rest.

Your DP is awful.

BUT that doesn't help you with the baby right now.

First off, I would see the GP about the developmental delays.

Second, and if there's no medical concerns, I would sleep train. You DON'T HAVE TO listen to your baby scream for 10 minutes. When I sleep trained DD1 I left her for a maximum of three minutes. That's not even the length of the average pop song. Some people are very anti it, so I won't go into the detail here - PM me if you want to know more.

While you're waiting for the GP appointment, are you sure you wouldn't be better sleeping at your DM's?

Your P not D is a disgrace.

Your (D)P is a cunt ! Jesus, leave his sorry arse. I can't stand men like that. You need support not criticism.

See your HV about your child's sickness with food .. that's not normal.

At this stage surely HV is already involved? Speak and ask for paediatric referral urgently.
It is getting tiring having a baby with extra needs ( we have a severely disabled child who needs to be medicated for sleep). You need to find out why your son is not feeding, sitting or sleeping. Good luck OP.

Oh my heart just breaks for you treading this. If you were my friend is be round in a instant sending you to bed and taking baby out for a morning, and you to the hair dressers to feel nice about yourself again. Babyhood is tough, even more so when you have such little support, and yoire being bullied by your husband. My first baby was a little like yours, it turned out she had allergies. Getting rest felt impossible and I felt like a zombie. If you'd like to chat over pm let me know, I hope you get in contact with your health visitor and find a lovely network of supportive friends who can help xx

Its clear you are terribly sleep deprived and I hate your wanker husband for behaving like this, the selfish cruel twatface.

However, he may be a more longer term problem to sort out.

I’d agree HV for your baby, and if they’re not helpful, move on to the GP for the baby. But I also wonder if you should see the GP for you too. I think sleep would solve almost everything, but maybe treatment for pnd might help a bit too? No sleep and low mood go hand in hand, and sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique so clearly efffects mental health, especially long term. And you’ve been suffering for months and months, and being generally amazing, but it’s going to wear you down, sleepless night by sleepless night, no matter how heroic you are - and trust me, one mum of a no-sleep baby to another, you are being a complete hero .

Mine didn’t sleep more than 45 mins until 10 months. And no more than 2 hrs until he was almost 2yrs. And the sleep he had was upright or on me.

That first year was like living through a war. It was indescribably awful. I mean, amazing too, joy of new life and all, but oh my goodness, the pain and exhaustion of grinding unending torture of sleep deprivation. I started hallucinating towards the end.

In retrospect my ds had a very clear case of silent reflux (& prob a bit of hyper mobility going on too). Could have been caused by an intolerance or allergy as it was never tested. Delayed milestones but not hugely late, just on the slow side but did happen in the end. Caught up in the end.

Not sure if this is similar or different to your situation though so probably best not to pre-diagnose, but do know... it’s not usual and don’t be fobbed off with ‘but all baby’s cry’ and ‘all babies wake you up’ minimising nonsense! I was totally fobbed off and shocked at being treated as a stupid first time mum instead of a thinking sentient human being!

But I knew it was different. And it’s clearly different for you too. And there’s stuff they can do to help...

Has "d"p always been such a sarky bugger or just as baby got bigger and still not sleeping?not making excuses,he needs a good kick up the arse,but some men cope fear and frustration by snapping at those they love.deal with those issues later,first you and baby..
See your health visitor or g.p.my son screamed night n day,wouldn't feed,didn't meet milestones.at 8mnths he was referred CDC(child development clinic) and had lots tests.we were referred to homestart,who were a godsend -let me sleep(partner worked long hours and didn't live together )
Get yourself checked pnd-in your situation it's very likely and that will drain you further
Stop trying to manage and get help(ment kindly)your son and you both need support from professionals
I just wanted to say there is hope my love.my D's was diagnosed and treated.he was two before he walked his first steps and we had many visits to CDC and others but he did improve,started sleeping and life certainly got easier once I was getting some rest
Where abouts are you?maybe there's one (or more) of us that could come hold him for a bit?

god no wonder you are drained, you poor thing. Your DP is an absolute bastard treating you like this. I can’t add much myself but to reiterate the already good advice that’s been given. My DP works long hours (but always does his share when he’s here as he should) but putting my baby in a bouncer when he was little was great when I needed a shower. Used to play peekaboo with the shower curtain and he was quite happy. I suffered PND and I found it hard to muster the energy at first to get out but once I did it made such a difference to both me and DS just getting some fresh air and a change of scenery. I really hope you find a way to get a well earned break soon OP

I used to bathe with my sons including when they were babies. Easier and at least you both get bathed.

A lot of this advice sounds like iTs aimed at a typical baby while your baby definitely sounds high needs. The childcare suggestions might not work also many others.
Is any of your daily load looking after your dh? If so dump it now. Not another dish washed ,item of clothing of his washed etc. Just pick anything of his up and drop on his side of the bed or similar. Would moving to your mums help at all with the daily load? She can’t hold baby for longer but presumably eats every night etc? You need to focus on surviving and getting help for your baby, your dh is absolutely not a priority. If gp and hv are already involved go back to them, tell them you need more help, you need them to find something that works. Go through both hv and gp, it seems to depend so much on the individual. Beg a friend for help / pay a teenager to walk baby in the pram for half an hour after your mum gets too tired to extend your nap for a little bit. Basically anything you can, poor you and poor baby.

I would try both HV and GP. Baby is struggling with solids at 8m - that should be enough for them to take you seriously (I know it’s a fear that you’ll be seen as ‘just a silly mum’).

Don’t try controlled crying again until you’ve got his development under review - if there is genuine pain behind the screaming he may not stop and it would just be very distressing for your both. There is a reason you feel the need to respond beyond your own strength, you are picking up the need behind his cries. That is brilliant, but do try and get as much support as you can.

Some HVs can refer round nursery nurses who will just sit in your house entertaining baby while you sleep, I don’t know if that’s the homestart other people have mentioned or not. We got the support because developmental delays made parenting really draining and I wasn’t getting any sleep. Support might be out there

The HV said she wouldn’t worry about my baby or refer him unless he’s not sitting by 9-10 months. But other babies have been sitting since 4-5 months and I’m worried that mine is slow. Same with food - HV says don’t worry he’ll get used to food textures, but he’s vomiting if I feed him mashed broccoli while my friend’s baby grabs an entire stalk and happily chews it.

I genuinely hate DP for his lack of concern about my wellbeing. I’ve told him repeatedly this week that I’m bordering on psychosis due to sleep deprivation and he still chose to play golf 1-6pm today. Then he wonders why I don’t kiss him any more.

1. Your baby has a undiagnosed health condition
2, Your husband is abusive to you
3, You are depressed and may have PND

I agree with all of the above.
The screaming and vomiting could be reflux which can be eased with medication. Maybe the rest is related if he's too exhausted?

Hi OP I'm going to sleep now but if you're in Kent, please could I help (I realise you'd need to check my background) but I'm not working right now and cared for my mum (Alz) for 10 years so have patience etc. i looked after my nephews a lot but have no kids of my own. i'll check back tomorrow for any reply. My heart goes out to you you need so much help.

Thank you but not in Kent

If you are anywhere near Surrey I will genuinely help so you can get some sleep

Doctors to check him for reflux OP. If it is, then omeptazole, ranitadine or something similar, or infant gaviscon will work wonders. He'll sleep better and vom less which will make your life easier too

And I’m in Wales - I’ve been where you are OP - broken.

If you’re near me, pack a bag and there’s a spare room ready xx

You need to leave your husband op. He is abusive.

See you hv or gp about baby's milestones. Does the baby have a rocker or bouncer?
My son was similar to yours and had physio to help him sit. He grew out of vomiting, his reflux was awful.

I was a single parent and used to think I'd lose my mind with lack of sleep. He started to sleep at about a year old. It's harder if you have a unsupportive husband, than none at all. If I wanted a nap there was no one to tell I was lazy.

Hv doesn’t sound any good then, off to the gp. Yes because you are worried about his milestones but also because the screaming means something is wrong. So shit of the hv to dismiss it :(
Forget your dp ( I doubt he will be your do for any longer, he’s hardly filling his marriage vows by being a pillar of strength in your time of need , no shame in realising you married a selfish asshole, you can only move forward) anyway for now he’s not your concern, see gp and put in place any plans you can to sleep.