A bit fed up of holier than thou parents

[rubyroot]

Just get a sense that there's all these parents who are into attachment parenting who think everyone else should subscribe to their way.

What if you don't want to breastfeed your baby until they are two, or you don't want to cluster feed. Sometimes the advice to keep at it is not helpful- particularly if it is affecting the mother's mental health.

Or the advice to co sleep, rather than get baby used to their cot- some parents don't sleep well using this method and it affects people's relationships.

Or (and this is the one that gets on my wick)- you must go to your baby every time it cries (even if its just a little) as it will develop depression and anxiety when it is older of you don't. That's what all the studies say apparently.

Even to the detriment of parents. Suffer extreme sleep deprivation, let your baby's sleep be interrupted constantly in the night- rather than ignore a few little whinges. Btw- my baby cried for two mins last night when he went in his cot, he doesn't really want to go to sleep. He made two small noises and two cries of 20 seconds last night. I did not go to him. He slept through.

He's happy now he sleeps through, no more grizzles, I'm happier, can do stuff. I'm not lethargic.

Why do these people not consider the impact on the mother and ultimately the mother child relationship of all this self sacrifice and sleep deprivation?

Surely us mothers need to look after ourselves and our mental wellbeing as ultimately it will affect our children's wellbeing. Shouldn't mothers be encouraged to be less selfless- do we really have to put up with waking millions of times in the night to breastfeed and having our baby in our beds tossing and turning etc...

I feel better now I have this off my chest.

Ach I think the constant judgement of how other people parent is depressing.

Unless there’s abuse/neglect, it’s absolutely hee haw buckshee to do with anyone else how you parent.

You are sounding pretty judgy in your own post though OP?

You sound pretty judgy yourself!

I guess you would describe me as an attachment parent, I don’t really care what others do with their own children as long as they aren’t putting them at risk. If I am asked advice or read a post on here asking for advice I give that advice using my own experiences.

Thanks for judging virtually all of my parenting choices. But guess what? I'm as happy with mine as you are with yours, so let's live and let live, shall we.

"I feel better now I have this off my chest"

Good.

Yeah is bullshit. Anyone who needs a label for their parenting is deeply suspect IMO (generally it’s a desperate need to belong to a group)

Parenting is hard. Parenting in the U.K. is harder than it should be. We evolved to parent in groups where childcare would be shared - including breastfeeding.

Parenting outside cultural norms is hard. People can be defensive because everyone has an opinion and most aren't afraid to share it!

I get the sense you wish things had gone differently for you. That you had to make choices you would not otherwise have done but for issues around mental health.

Wishing you well. 💐

pull your judgy pants down a bit they must be cutting off your circulation.

Who cares what anyone else does? Just do what’s right for you family. You’ll be much happier this way.

Giving advice doesn’t make people holier than thou. Sounds like you have insecurities around your parenting choices and you’re looking for validation.

It's personal choice between mother and baby. I think each to their own really as you're the parent and it's up to you!

Mentally stability is important for new mothers so doing what you are comfortable with is important, whether it's attachment parenting or not. I don't think one is right or wrong but me personally, prefer the idea of attachment parenting over other forms of parenting but I wouldn't push it on others and don't believe other ways are wrong.

I will add that I believe a woman's life should adapt to the baby and not baby adapt to mothers life, that's just my opinion and everyone lives different and what works for them won't work for others.

Surely it has to be each to their own? Preachy parents in either direction are a pain.

I went very much for attachment parenting with dc1, as it just felt more right to me. i had lots of other people hint i was bonkers, warning me dc would never get independent, that i was odd bf past 1 and was i sure i wasnt doing it for myself (whatever that means), that i should leave to cry/ have routines etc etc. i ignored them all, but have never wanted to preach to others. Worked for us - he slept through early and was really content.

Dc 2 however - had same approach and his sleep is a nightmare. If i could go back i would def get him into his own bed sooner, and would have tried formula at 6 months so i didnt get tied into ebf so long.

So i think different styles potentially suit different mums and babies best. People should generally keep quiet about other people's choices. That said, i still think mum's should be warned off cry it out techniques under 1 year (you describe a short grizzle but leaving a baby crying for a prolonged period is different imo).

Don't worry, this stage will pass. By the time they are teenagers no one really talks about their kids anymore! Get it off your chest, ignore and do what's best for you and yours.

Judgement in either direction is irritating.

Love your children, do what’s right for them and for you. Seek support if you are struggling and don’t judge others who need to go a different path.

That is generally my parenting model. On baby number two I realised how little I knew about anything at all and that for the most part we make it through but for the grace of god

I agree with you OP. Everyone's well- being deserves consideration for the benefit of everyone. An exhausted frazzled mum is putting her health and safety at risk and the health and safety of others at potential risk as well.

In a society where mums were given a reasonable level of support, instead of being left to get on with being the perfect parent with no adult company or support for most of the day it would be more reasonable to expect attachment parenting imo.

As usual the needs of women come last. Childbirth and bringing up children should be valued much more highly.

May sound judgey, but was actually in response to having being judged on here and other places.

It was not supposed to be about who is right or who is wrong, rather why tell people who are struggling to breastfeed to carry on regardless.

Or say to someone who lets baby cry a bit in bed- I'm not judging but the research basically says you are a terrible parent.

@MynameisJune- no insecurities; its all about the way advice is given and I have seen so many times that women are lambasted by others and accused of emotionally damaging their children- I don't think that's helpful. Eg, I was accused on here of causing my child to have diabetes as I chose not to blw, and was alternating savoury and sweet in order to encourage baby to eat savoury. Apparently I was tricking my baby and causing a bad relationship with food. Btw- he loves his savoury now!
@stargirl1701 - wow that's a quantum leap to come to that conclusion! I'm happy with the decisions I have made, I have a very happy little boy. I am really enjoying him at the moment (8 months) I'm lucky that I didn't have issues with mental health, but I have at times (like most parents) been on my knees with sleep deprivation.

May sound judgey, but was actually in response to having being judged on here and other places

I get that, but judging to condemn judging makes no sense.

They have their way (and if they overstep tell them to shut up) and you have yours.

That said, i still think mum's should be warned off cry it out techniques under 1 year (you describe a short grizzle but leaving a baby crying for a prolonged period is different imo).

Absolutely! But unfortunately, not everyone sees it this way and judge parents quite harshly believing they are allowing their baby to be distressed.

Gosh the vast majority of parents know when their baby is distressed and go to them!

@rubyroot

Sorry, I have clearly misunderstood your OP.

I thought you were writing about your own experience when you mentioned the impact on the mother's mental health in your second paragraph.

So who in your life is being given advice that is affecting their mental health?

Why are you so worried about other people’s parenting?

I have 4 kids and I just get on with it, if the couple next door wants to use certain parenting techniques/styles then good for them, I may not agree or use them myself but it’s what suits them and their family, just as what I do in my home suits myself and my kids. I’m all for getting advice about something I’ve not dealt with before and it’s interesting to hear other points of view/ways of doing something. But I’m way too busy with work and family to give a rats arse what other people are doing or what they think of me because I’m sure they are getting on with life themselves.

People need to be less worried about what others are doing, unless it’s causing hurt/harm to kids,

Congratulations on having a baby who sleeps through at 8 months: it makes a massive difference to your ability to parent and take care of yourself.

My DS did not sleep through until he was 6. He woke at 4.15am for the first two years. We tried everything, including ignoring. Nothing worked and trust me, we tried it all. At 8 he still wakes at 5.30am.

Some babies are easier than others; some parenting decisions are easier than others. Sometimes you don't have much choice in the matter.

Errrr- nobody! It was a general remark that putting pressures on mothers could affect their mental health

Eg. I have heard that many women feel extreme pressure to b feed and the guilt they exp when they can't can cause PND. I have also read on here people who have carried on regardless to the detriment of their health and their relationship with their babies.

Btw- I b fed myself so I am not 'being judgy' about people's parenting choices.

Ok, so you have had no issues but you are feeling unhappy on behalf of mothers who may have had issues.

You seem really irritated given that you feel personally unaffected.

You're right. If people want to do that themselves ok although IMO they are risking their mental health as you say. I think the reason attachment parents are so vicious towards others is that they feel there must be a justification for all the stress they put themselves under

"Gosh the vast majority of parents know when their baby is distressed and go to them!"
Actually, the vast majority of parents who use CC or CIO either do and don't, or don't.

If the research says your damaging your child then maybe you should listen. It’s not judging if it’s based on research surely? (I don’t know any of the details of these studies, just responding to your point).

People are just trying to do what’s best based on their child’s needs and the advice that’s out there.

"I think the reason attachment parents are so vicious towards others is that they feel there must be a justification for all the stress they put themselves under"
Vicious? Seriously?

Btw- I b fed myself so I am not 'being judgy' about people's parenting choices

That statement in itself is judging, can you see that OP?

I don’t know anyone who refers to themselves as a parent.

We all just parent as we see fit and do our best.

Fuck knows what my parenting style would be if I had to name it. “Winging it” sounds about right.