How to make it clear with my mum that her boyfriend won't be called Grandad?

[chloem93]

Hi all,

Know you all might have different opinions on this subject and some of you might be 'step' parents yourself.
But this is a bit different as I don't class him as my step father as he got with my mum when I was already an adult. He did not help me grow up nor raise me, I barely talk to him actually and he doesn't know me.
They have been together for about 7-8 years now, since I was 17-18. Unfortunately because of financial reasons, I still live at home but I've been given notice to leave home for a number of reasons, one being I'm pregnant. I'm 25 weeks atm.
Anyway, she doesn't like that I don't acknowledge him as much as she would like and he's even grassed on me before saying that I've been rude to him and didn't say hi even though I didn't hear him. It seems like has to say hi whenever I just want to leave my room and he's hovering around the house. It makes me uncomfortable! I've explained to my mum that I don't feel like I'm obligated to talk to her boyfriend, I have nothing in common with him and have nothing to say... I haven't said this to her but I also found he was rude to me years ago by telling me how to talk even though I was an adult and seemed to try to impose some sort of authority which I didn't like very much. Last time my mum moaned at me about how much I talk to him, I did blurt out in a rant that he won't be getting called grandad and she looked at me like she was shocked and clueless as to why. I'm sorry but why should he have anything to do with my child when he has nothing to do with me? I feel uncomfortable in his presents and wouldn't really trust to leave my child alone with him because to be frank, I don't know him. I know it might sound strange to most people that I say that even though I've lived under the same roof as him for 7 years but strangers can house share but you wouldn't be leaving your child with them and giving them a title. I also feel like he gets involved in conversations that have nothing to do with him, I'll be talking to my mum about a pram system I've been looking at and he'll stick his nose in telling me i won't afford this and that, acting like he knows a lot about travel systems 😂 . As far as I'm aware he doesn't have his own kids and if he does, he doesn't see them so I don't understand why he thinks he's mr know it all... he seems that way with everything though and I don't like people like that, perhaps one reason I keep my distance. Anyway it seems to effect my relationship with my mum to a certain extent, think she wants me to be fake and overly nice to make him feel comfortable... hmm it was my house before he shifted his way in but ok. By how she goes on you'd think she was never a single mother by how much she relies on him and I can't seem to have a conversation with her anymore without her trying to bring him up. She is excited to be a grandmother but I fear she'll only want to be there if her boyfriend gets to equally be involved which I think is ridiculous. Me and her don't really spend any time together either, I try to have a convo with her and she doesn't even give me eye contact half the time. I feel like I don't want to live here once the baby comes anyway because I also fear she will try to take over and tell me how to parent (you know how you're cooking a meal and someone hovers over you telling you not to do this and that. Exactly like that). That would drive me crazy and would worsen our relationship. I'm insistent on breastfeeding and she feels like I should let's others feed my child... it's obvious when she says others she means her boyfriend. I'll breastfeed without any bottles just so he doesn't feed my child, I want to exclusively breast feed on demand without bottles and that seems to offend my mothers idealistic hopes of her boyfriend being grandad of the year. She also expects to just leave a newborn with her and whoever on a regular basis even though I've made it clear I want to breastfeed and why would I leave my child not unless I need to, particularly when baby is a newborn. Just seems like she wants to pretend to be mummy with her boyfriend acting as daddy. She said I'll need help with baby which I understand but she seems to only be offering help I don't need and not help I would like. It's mother's job to look after baby and grandmother could help with doing washing or dishes to make things easier for the mum but she just wants to take the baby and do the mothering. I'd like to add that I know basics of looking after a newborn and I'm not a teenager, I'm a grown adult who's looked after children before so why is she acting like I'll be useless? Ironically this is the same person who told me I shouldn't go through with voluntary adoption, her only reason being because it's 'her first grandchild' not because I'd make a good parent or anything, she made the reason about her. Now I'm certain I want to raise my child even though it will be hard but having someone make out like you can't do it by yourself doesn't help things and isn't encouraging! Wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't help me to move out and makes it difficult so then I'm forced to stay and they can try to control my life.

Obviously I'm fine with them two together as a couple but just don't expect me to act like I'm going out with him, it has nothing to do with me. It's her boyfriend, not mine.

Has anyone else had a tense relationship or non relationship with their mum or dads partner? How did you handle it when your child came along? Any advice would be welcome. I know things will improve when I move out but will my mum even spend time with her grandchild without having to bring her boyfriend along all the time...hmm guess I'll have to see. Is it unrealistic to make sure I teach my child from a young age to call him by his first name instead of grandad? And if my mum or him tries to teach my child different, how should I approach it? I'm also worried he'll try to discipline my child in ways I do not agree with, how do I deal with this? I don't feel like it's his place. Do know my home isn't my home anymore and I need to try to get out, it's just made harder with baby on the way and I might even have to go into emergency accommodation if I can't private rent. So it would be handy if my mum didn't make things harder.
Apology for the long rant but wanted to get the majority of story in there.

Hi OP, that sounds like a really tricky situation.

On the positive side you have identified lots this in advance so you can prepare to an extent. I would suggest doing everything you can to organise your living situation as it will be far easier to set boundaries when you are not under 'their roof'.

As you are keen to breast feeding, I recommend reading up on this in advance and preparing by finding out where your local support groups are, in case you need support with that.

It's entirely up to you who spends time with your baby and in what role.

Good luck

Who has given you notice to leave home? That doesn't seem very supportive

I only got about a quarter way through.
You sound very rude and immature and if you are already using baby as a weapon, your life will be full of drama.

That s just weird ! You don't know him but you've lived in the same house for 7 years

If you don't like the relationship your mum has, move out

I don’t understand? Why do you dislike him so much and know nothing about him? Have you tried to get to know him or be on a friendly basis. You sound like a jealous child unless I’ve missed something.

Ok I finally plodded my way through that.

+1 for jealous child.

I agree with other posters, you refer to yourself as a grown adult but your behaving like a petulant child.

It would appear you had your mum all to yourself and you don't like sharing her.

Single mums make huge sacrifices which I'm sure your about to find out, maybe it's time to put your mum first and actually, after 7 long years it's time to give the man a chance.

You do sound very immature. It sounds like you are the one who has raised the issue of using the term 'grandad'. That's the least of your worries at the moment.

If you can't get along with this man you ought to be putting your energies into living independently. Not into working out how you can thwart him and use your baby to score points.

Your poor Mum. She has found someone she wants to be with, yet her relationship ( in her own home) is being sabotaged by a sulky, obstinate 25-year old teenager.
If you rant like that in RL, with no pause for reflection or insight into your Mum's situation, you must be a nightmare to live with. She will be feeling horribly torn between you and her partner, and asking you to leave so she can move on.
Either suck it up and start behaving like an adult, or move out and start your new life with your baby.
But I doubt this is what you want to read.

If you were a grown adult you’d recognise it’s your mums home not yours, and she is allowed to find happiness with someone after bringing you up on her own. She didn’t move anyone in until you were technically an adult, if you didn’t like it you could have moved out. As you stayed, you should have tried to be at least polite.

I haven't read all the post .... but from what I have read you don't come across as a very mature person. I don't know if you can see it or not ... but you are using the baby as a weapon.

I am curious who has actually paid for the items ... as your mums boyfriend is actually acting like a step parent to you and a grandad to the child.

You have lived with this man for 7 years and you don’t know whether he has children?

Wow a 25 year old brat! Do them both a favour and move out ASAP.

You sound about 12.

Grow up and be happy for your mother without being a child about it.

Also, if someone wants to play a role in your child's life, why cut off your nose to spite your face. We are a long time dead. Stop wasting your life with this carry on.

I’m struggling to believe this tbh unless it is a reverse.

If it is real then you need to give him a chance. It doesn’t sound like he’s been unpleasant.

So you’ve lived in your mum’s house as an adult for 6/7 years “for financial reasons” which presumably roughly translates to saving yourself money, you don’t make an effort with her long term partner and you’ve only just noticed that as an adult your mum’s home is no longer yours?

Yes things will improve when you move out for sure. You have no time for this man but he appears to be subsidising your lifestyle.

Don’t sweat over what your DC calls him. He’ll probably come up with some nonsense name which means nothing to anyone other than the two of them. But don’t use a baby as a weapon.

Yes, you do sound immature and petulant. The whole “ He moved in, I was there first” smacks of jealousy that he has replaced you as your mothers primary concern.
It sounds like they’ve been patient in the face of hostility and childish feet stamping but you’ve refused to enter the adult world of civilised relationships.
Then you went and got yourself pregnant without the ability to find a child or even give it a home. Was that a revenge attempt? Certainly to the actions of a particularly mature person and certainly not in the child’s best interests. What does your partner think?
I suggest you move out, apologise for your ongoing rudeness and make some effort to build a relationship.

Well, all easily solved by moving out. It's long past time you flew the nest.
Probably should have thought about this before having a baby but these things happen.
Good luck.

I too didn't read it all I'm afraid. But what I can gather is that everyone will be happier when you live away from them, so start there and see what happens, no need to make decisions like who's called what just yet. Just get yourself set up independently.

I'm with the OP. I don't think she sounds like a jealous child - she sounds like someone whose mother imposed her boyfriend on the household, with no consideration of how this would impact on teenage OP. And now it surprises her that OP hasn't bonded with him. And sorry, but it was OP's house too - of course she was going to be pissed off with some stranger coming in and attempting to impose his wishes on her. He may or may not be a lovely bloke but the situation has been so clumsily handled by her mother that OP feels nothing for him. And OP retains the right to not see him as a grandparent to her baby.

Giving her pg daughter notice to leave is shitty and not supportive at all.

My advice is to get out asap. Your relationship with your mother will likely get better if you can see her without her partner all the time and be in your own home where you can raise your baby as you wish.

From your post youare very childish and immature.
If you don't want to refer o him as the child's grandfather that is your choice bit with regards to the other things you are being petulant

Wow I’m surprised it took your mum this long to tell you to move out. You have some serious growing up to do and quit the brat routine.
This person has been in your life for several years and you know nothing about him. Wow. Cannot even be civil to say hi to him. Shocking behaviour.

Move out.

Where is the baby's father in all this, OP? You can rant about your mother's partner who you have apparently lived with for almost a third of your life but not mention him at all? And what 'help' are you expecting to be able to move out, that does contradict your assertion of being 'given notice to leave'? I am over this whole post.