How to make it clear with my mum that her boyfriend won't be called Grandad?

[chloem93]

Hi all,

Know you all might have different opinions on this subject and some of you might be 'step' parents yourself.
But this is a bit different as I don't class him as my step father as he got with my mum when I was already an adult. He did not help me grow up nor raise me, I barely talk to him actually and he doesn't know me.
They have been together for about 7-8 years now, since I was 17-18. Unfortunately because of financial reasons, I still live at home but I've been given notice to leave home for a number of reasons, one being I'm pregnant. I'm 25 weeks atm.
Anyway, she doesn't like that I don't acknowledge him as much as she would like and he's even grassed on me before saying that I've been rude to him and didn't say hi even though I didn't hear him. It seems like has to say hi whenever I just want to leave my room and he's hovering around the house. It makes me uncomfortable! I've explained to my mum that I don't feel like I'm obligated to talk to her boyfriend, I have nothing in common with him and have nothing to say... I haven't said this to her but I also found he was rude to me years ago by telling me how to talk even though I was an adult and seemed to try to impose some sort of authority which I didn't like very much. Last time my mum moaned at me about how much I talk to him, I did blurt out in a rant that he won't be getting called grandad and she looked at me like she was shocked and clueless as to why. I'm sorry but why should he have anything to do with my child when he has nothing to do with me? I feel uncomfortable in his presents and wouldn't really trust to leave my child alone with him because to be frank, I don't know him. I know it might sound strange to most people that I say that even though I've lived under the same roof as him for 7 years but strangers can house share but you wouldn't be leaving your child with them and giving them a title. I also feel like he gets involved in conversations that have nothing to do with him, I'll be talking to my mum about a pram system I've been looking at and he'll stick his nose in telling me i won't afford this and that, acting like he knows a lot about travel systems 😂 . As far as I'm aware he doesn't have his own kids and if he does, he doesn't see them so I don't understand why he thinks he's mr know it all... he seems that way with everything though and I don't like people like that, perhaps one reason I keep my distance. Anyway it seems to effect my relationship with my mum to a certain extent, think she wants me to be fake and overly nice to make him feel comfortable... hmm it was my house before he shifted his way in but ok. By how she goes on you'd think she was never a single mother by how much she relies on him and I can't seem to have a conversation with her anymore without her trying to bring him up. She is excited to be a grandmother but I fear she'll only want to be there if her boyfriend gets to equally be involved which I think is ridiculous. Me and her don't really spend any time together either, I try to have a convo with her and she doesn't even give me eye contact half the time. I feel like I don't want to live here once the baby comes anyway because I also fear she will try to take over and tell me how to parent (you know how you're cooking a meal and someone hovers over you telling you not to do this and that. Exactly like that). That would drive me crazy and would worsen our relationship. I'm insistent on breastfeeding and she feels like I should let's others feed my child... it's obvious when she says others she means her boyfriend. I'll breastfeed without any bottles just so he doesn't feed my child, I want to exclusively breast feed on demand without bottles and that seems to offend my mothers idealistic hopes of her boyfriend being grandad of the year. She also expects to just leave a newborn with her and whoever on a regular basis even though I've made it clear I want to breastfeed and why would I leave my child not unless I need to, particularly when baby is a newborn. Just seems like she wants to pretend to be mummy with her boyfriend acting as daddy. She said I'll need help with baby which I understand but she seems to only be offering help I don't need and not help I would like. It's mother's job to look after baby and grandmother could help with doing washing or dishes to make things easier for the mum but she just wants to take the baby and do the mothering. I'd like to add that I know basics of looking after a newborn and I'm not a teenager, I'm a grown adult who's looked after children before so why is she acting like I'll be useless? Ironically this is the same person who told me I shouldn't go through with voluntary adoption, her only reason being because it's 'her first grandchild' not because I'd make a good parent or anything, she made the reason about her. Now I'm certain I want to raise my child even though it will be hard but having someone make out like you can't do it by yourself doesn't help things and isn't encouraging! Wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't help me to move out and makes it difficult so then I'm forced to stay and they can try to control my life.

Obviously I'm fine with them two together as a couple but just don't expect me to act like I'm going out with him, it has nothing to do with me. It's her boyfriend, not mine.

Has anyone else had a tense relationship or non relationship with their mum or dads partner? How did you handle it when your child came along? Any advice would be welcome. I know things will improve when I move out but will my mum even spend time with her grandchild without having to bring her boyfriend along all the time...hmm guess I'll have to see. Is it unrealistic to make sure I teach my child from a young age to call him by his first name instead of grandad? And if my mum or him tries to teach my child different, how should I approach it? I'm also worried he'll try to discipline my child in ways I do not agree with, how do I deal with this? I don't feel like it's his place. Do know my home isn't my home anymore and I need to try to get out, it's just made harder with baby on the way and I might even have to go into emergency accommodation if I can't private rent. So it would be handy if my mum didn't make things harder.
Apology for the long rant but wanted to get the majority of story in there.

You sound about 12. Time to get out and grow up. You've lived with this poor man for years. Sounds like you've made things very awkward.
And the father of the child? Where is he in all this? Why isn't he involved?

X post!

He sounds a right bastard saying hi to you and making an effort to get to know you and build a relationship

There's nothing in the OP which suggests the mum's dp is financially supporting the OP. He moved into her home, not the other way around.

You are going to have to accept that he is her partner and here to stay. You've been trying to freeze him out for 7 / 8 years but it clearly hasn't worked. Using your baby as a weapon in the war to get him out will cause nothing but misery to all of you.

Goodness, I think you need to move out pretty quick. And grow up

You’re 25?!

Grow up.

I got a quarter of the way through and realised you sound extremely childish and once your baby is here you might need the support you are so determined to push away.

I think you need to move out to your own place ASAP. It’s much easier to do before the baby comes. You don’t mention the baby’s father and you should be including him in primarily in your plans for the future even if just for child support.

Your DM may wish to help you but you should not expect her to. As someone who is about to become a parent you need to start thinking as an independent adult who can solve life’s problems as much as possible for themselves, not expect others to do it for them.

It worries me that you refer to your Step-father as ‘it’. He is a human being and someone who cares for your DM. Assuming they stay together he may end up looking after your DM if she becomes ill, frail and elderly. It’ll be a help for you if he does.

For your own benefit start to appreciate the support you’ve been given since he became part of your DMs life rather than nursing this resentment. It will help you and your new baby far more in the long run and try to get to know him properly. You never know, you might find you actually like him.

Why would they help you to move out? You're acting like a child and sound like a pain to live with. It seems nice he's trying to take an interest and of you're a first time mum is there a reason why you'd know more about travel systems than him?

Where's the baby's father, are you still with him? Where are you planning to move to? It's your responsibility to sort it, not your mum.

the mum's dp is financially supporting the OP

OP says that her mum says she relies on him.

It sounds like your DM hasn't been very supportive. I also wouldn't have been happy to have a one of my parents move a new partner in and then dictate a Disney relationship. You can decide whatever role you want people to fulfill. I found having a baby brought me closer with people I don't really like very much. I'll always be wary but there is no doubt that they love DC and we have that in common.

I also think you are so hurt by your DM choosing this man over you that you are mixing in everything. Your poor relationship with your DMs partner may make her feel like you are punishing her choices partner. In this circumstance I would not be happy to call him grandad either - your lo may decide otherwise. I didn't choose any names for GPs, they/DC chose.

In my experience it's quite normal for GPs to just want to do the nice, cuddly parts rather than to actually provide help you want.

Do you work? Are you moving in with your partner? What does notice to leave mean?

You need to move out and raise your child the way you want to. Be nice and civil but leave, you need your own space.

Your mother's 'boyfriend' is actually her dp of seven years, so not a passing whim and if I were you at some point you need to make an effort with him. You don't have to like him, but you do need to be polite at all times.

As far as the term Grandad is concerned. Why not come up with something else? I have friends in this situation and they have come up with a creative list. All very endearing. Pops or something similar might work with a young child. He does not need to grandad but he will need some kind of name as he will be part of your child's life if you intend to visit them.

When he says you can't afford the expensive travel system, he has a point, doesn't he? Shouldn't the priority be paying for a home?

Can I ask where your father is? Is this related to the reason you don't want to use 'Grandad'?

Thank goodness my children, who were a similar age, didn't react to my new partner like this! Height of rudeness not even speaking to the poor man and it says a lot about how he must care for your Mum to have put up with your entitled and brattish behaviour for so long. My daughter adored my partner and her son called him Grandad. No big deal.

Grow up or butt out and let your mother have some peace and pleasure in life after spending her time and effort raising you. Please tell her I have a large pair of boots here if she would like to borrow them to kick your spoiled little arse out the door.

You honestly sound ridiculous. You're a soon-to-be mother, time to grow up. If youre not fond of the man, move out and, if you can't afford it, eat some humble pie and at least try to get on with him.
Irs a long way off before your baby when begins to talk, so why make a big deal of how your mum's BF will be referred to already?! I honestly feel sorry for your mum having to put up with your nonsense.

Not sure we are going to see the OP again...

You need to put your big girl pants on and grow the fuck up. Why are you 25, living at home, having a baby and acting like a twat in your mum's house?

In what way does your mum need to help you moving out? Get a place to love. Move out. I am sure she will help with the flitting if you ask politely.

How on Earth do people find a job with such appalling written skills like this? The lack of paragraphs and punctuation, the terrible grammar.
Where on Earth do you work?

You sound very immature. You're ranting about your mother's partner. Grow up and get over it. You're 25, not 16.

Wow.

Finally made my way to the bottom of your post.

Everyone will be happier when you move out.
You're the problem OP, grow up.

You have bigger, more important things to concentrate on right now!!

I was all ready to agree with you, as when my DD was born I didn't want my mums partner of 15 years referred to as Grandad either. However I can't relate to the rest of your post at all, as it does all sound incredibly childish. How can you live with someone for 7 years and not even be sure they don't have kids of their own?!?

I clearly had a better relationship with my mum as I explained to her from early on that due to me being NC with my father and Dh's dad passed away years ago, we would not be referring to anyone as grandad. Despite them being together years I was not comfortable with him taking a role that didn't belong to him. I set this out early in pregnancy and all parties knew where they stood, even if they didn't like it. It hasn't caused any problems.

However I really suggest you get to know your mum's long term partner who you've lived with for years and seem to have never had a real conversation with. And grow up a little bit, you're about to become a mother.