How to make it clear with my mum that her boyfriend won't be called Grandad?

[chloem93]

Hi all,

Know you all might have different opinions on this subject and some of you might be 'step' parents yourself.
But this is a bit different as I don't class him as my step father as he got with my mum when I was already an adult. He did not help me grow up nor raise me, I barely talk to him actually and he doesn't know me.
They have been together for about 7-8 years now, since I was 17-18. Unfortunately because of financial reasons, I still live at home but I've been given notice to leave home for a number of reasons, one being I'm pregnant. I'm 25 weeks atm.
Anyway, she doesn't like that I don't acknowledge him as much as she would like and he's even grassed on me before saying that I've been rude to him and didn't say hi even though I didn't hear him. It seems like has to say hi whenever I just want to leave my room and he's hovering around the house. It makes me uncomfortable! I've explained to my mum that I don't feel like I'm obligated to talk to her boyfriend, I have nothing in common with him and have nothing to say... I haven't said this to her but I also found he was rude to me years ago by telling me how to talk even though I was an adult and seemed to try to impose some sort of authority which I didn't like very much. Last time my mum moaned at me about how much I talk to him, I did blurt out in a rant that he won't be getting called grandad and she looked at me like she was shocked and clueless as to why. I'm sorry but why should he have anything to do with my child when he has nothing to do with me? I feel uncomfortable in his presents and wouldn't really trust to leave my child alone with him because to be frank, I don't know him. I know it might sound strange to most people that I say that even though I've lived under the same roof as him for 7 years but strangers can house share but you wouldn't be leaving your child with them and giving them a title. I also feel like he gets involved in conversations that have nothing to do with him, I'll be talking to my mum about a pram system I've been looking at and he'll stick his nose in telling me i won't afford this and that, acting like he knows a lot about travel systems 😂 . As far as I'm aware he doesn't have his own kids and if he does, he doesn't see them so I don't understand why he thinks he's mr know it all... he seems that way with everything though and I don't like people like that, perhaps one reason I keep my distance. Anyway it seems to effect my relationship with my mum to a certain extent, think she wants me to be fake and overly nice to make him feel comfortable... hmm it was my house before he shifted his way in but ok. By how she goes on you'd think she was never a single mother by how much she relies on him and I can't seem to have a conversation with her anymore without her trying to bring him up. She is excited to be a grandmother but I fear she'll only want to be there if her boyfriend gets to equally be involved which I think is ridiculous. Me and her don't really spend any time together either, I try to have a convo with her and she doesn't even give me eye contact half the time. I feel like I don't want to live here once the baby comes anyway because I also fear she will try to take over and tell me how to parent (you know how you're cooking a meal and someone hovers over you telling you not to do this and that. Exactly like that). That would drive me crazy and would worsen our relationship. I'm insistent on breastfeeding and she feels like I should let's others feed my child... it's obvious when she says others she means her boyfriend. I'll breastfeed without any bottles just so he doesn't feed my child, I want to exclusively breast feed on demand without bottles and that seems to offend my mothers idealistic hopes of her boyfriend being grandad of the year. She also expects to just leave a newborn with her and whoever on a regular basis even though I've made it clear I want to breastfeed and why would I leave my child not unless I need to, particularly when baby is a newborn. Just seems like she wants to pretend to be mummy with her boyfriend acting as daddy. She said I'll need help with baby which I understand but she seems to only be offering help I don't need and not help I would like. It's mother's job to look after baby and grandmother could help with doing washing or dishes to make things easier for the mum but she just wants to take the baby and do the mothering. I'd like to add that I know basics of looking after a newborn and I'm not a teenager, I'm a grown adult who's looked after children before so why is she acting like I'll be useless? Ironically this is the same person who told me I shouldn't go through with voluntary adoption, her only reason being because it's 'her first grandchild' not because I'd make a good parent or anything, she made the reason about her. Now I'm certain I want to raise my child even though it will be hard but having someone make out like you can't do it by yourself doesn't help things and isn't encouraging! Wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't help me to move out and makes it difficult so then I'm forced to stay and they can try to control my life.

Obviously I'm fine with them two together as a couple but just don't expect me to act like I'm going out with him, it has nothing to do with me. It's her boyfriend, not mine.

Has anyone else had a tense relationship or non relationship with their mum or dads partner? How did you handle it when your child came along? Any advice would be welcome. I know things will improve when I move out but will my mum even spend time with her grandchild without having to bring her boyfriend along all the time...hmm guess I'll have to see. Is it unrealistic to make sure I teach my child from a young age to call him by his first name instead of grandad? And if my mum or him tries to teach my child different, how should I approach it? I'm also worried he'll try to discipline my child in ways I do not agree with, how do I deal with this? I don't feel like it's his place. Do know my home isn't my home anymore and I need to try to get out, it's just made harder with baby on the way and I might even have to go into emergency accommodation if I can't private rent. So it would be handy if my mum didn't make things harder.
Apology for the long rant but wanted to get the majority of story in there.

You sound hurt and anxious.

I want to exclusively breast feed on demand without bottles sounds reasonable.

I'll breastfeed without any bottles just so he doesn't feed my child. I'm sure when the time comes you do whatever suits your baby/you the best.

It sounds like a very tricky situation. You can't change how others behave or feel, you can only control your reaction to it.

I think you're getting a hard time here. 25 weeks pregnant and looking for somewhere to live sounds stressful. I don't think it's unusual for people to stay with parents. The distance of living apart should help your poor relationship. Your priorities will most definitely change. Do what's best for your baby.

He has been your Mum's partner for 8 years now. You need to get over the fact that she has a partner. Ignoring him is infantile.

He is allowed to join in conversations in what is his home too.

Yes, you can decide what you want to do concerning the care of your child but you need to also be responsible for that too. If you are living in their home you need to pay your way and support yourself and child. Where is the child's father? You can't have all the benefit of living at home but then complain about it.

Were you sat there saying how you wanted brand new designer this and taht pram and clothes etc and he pointed out that you wouldn#t be able to afford that and you think you are entitled to it.

By the sound of it she never asked for him to be called grandad you have just blurted it out to her. No wonder she is shocked.

My DH has step parents who appeared on the scene well after he was an adult and our children do call those step parents granny and grandad even though DH calls them by their first name.

I suggest if how your mum lives her life is not acceptable to you you move out.

Sounds like you have a lot of built up resentment towards mums boyfriend. You dont have to have a relationship but wonder if resentment is colouring a little of this issue for you. I think when he was getting involved with pram talk that he was trying to just be involved just in the conversation, as in with you and your mum. Talk might have had any topic, suspect he was just looking to connect as living with "sharers" can be lonely. Must be hard if you two are having a conversation and he is not allowed to butt in at all? But if you get no conversations/time that is just you and your mum then that is unfair too. If you call him "dave" then when baby comes it will be "grandma and dave", don't make it an issue. If grandma says grandad then just keep saying Dave. I called my mum grandma for my daughter but she hears me say mum too - so now my mum is bothnames to my daughter lol

I only got to the first paragraph too. Well where a paragraph would be if you had used adequate spacing. In that first bit you sound very immature and selfish. You've lived with this man for nearly a decade and it's a long term relationship. That's more than barely know him. My mums partner became grandad for less than that. If your sibling had been worn someone a year and then got married they sold be auntie/uncle. You sound like a petulant teenager. Hopefully you will grow up a bit once you've lived on your own.

7 years living together complaining you dont know him. But also expressing frustration everytime he tries ro talk to you. Surely this is just him trying to get to know you?

Does seem a case of its my mummy I dont want to share....

I can only echo what everyone else has said but you do sound jealous. Time to grow up and move out if at all possible. At the end of the day it's a name. If you dont like it you need to have a gentle non argumentative conversation with your mum about it.

I gave up at the part about not knowing if he has children or not ? Honestly you have lived with your mum and partner for 8 yrs !! Why have you got no relationship ? It sounds mad to me

I didn’t read the whole thread as it was very long, but I have been in a similar situation. My mum met her now husband about 6 months before I fell pregnant. I have always lived away since they have been together so have never really had the opportunity to get to know him. When my son was born my DM said “I know he’s not a grandad but can you think of a nickname the baby can call him?”. I explained to her that I didn’t want to come up with a nickname for him but would never stop my son giving him a nickname if that’s what he wanted to do when he got old enough. She suggested things like papa, pops, and other names which to me insinuate grandad. She gave up asking when my son was about 6 months old and we were still referring to her husband by his name.

Now over 2 years later my son sometimes calls him grandad X and I’m fine with that. Not going to stop it but would never enforce a disingenuous nickname.

However it is really odd

Pressed send to soon - it’s really odd that you lived with him for 7 years and still say you don’t know him. And presumably at 17-18 you were not completely financially independent, so if this is the case then presumably he has supported you financially to some degree with your mother. I find your attitude towards him a bit bizarre and a bit immature tbh.

I think you sound like you are still 17 to be honest.

I also only read the first third of the post as I lost interest in the triviality of it.

I agree with everyone else. You sound incredibly immature and entitled. Grow up and move out - it would solve everyones problems.

Even if your mum's bf is the biggest arsehole, your issues are with her. It's sounds like you feel she has chosen him over you and that must be really hurtful.

Ask your mum to spend time alone with you. Didn't rant or complain just try to spend time together and set rules. I suggest you agree in advance that some topics are out of bounds (like DM's bf). A quick coffee, cinema or maybe take your DM to a midwife appointment to hear your babies heartbeat? If she tries to push the issue or having her bf along too then it's because she is trying to brings two people she loves together. It's ok for her to ask and totally fine for you to say just the two of you. Your relationship with your mum's partner will improve if your relationship with her does.

still live at home but I've been given notice to leave home for a number of reasons, one being I'm pregnant. I'm 25 weeks atm.

Where are you going to go>? Why has your mum asked you to leave? Do you have a partner?

TBH you have a lot going on. I'd focus on sorting yourself out somewhere to live and bring up your baby, and never mind worrying about your mum's boyfriend.

You sound like a jealous, petulant child though - why have you never spoken to him, yet you've lived with him for 7 years??? Sounds like thee's fault on both sides. Maybe he's been trying to speak to you and get to know you??

I didn't read through the whole post, but why don't you like him? Give him a chance? If not, leave.
Also why is the age you were when they got together an issue for you? My mum and stepdad got together when o was an adult, i always got on well with him. My husband and I had a child 3 years ago, our son refers to my stepdad as grandad, as well as my own dad. I would never not encourage that. What do you want your child to know him as?

Time to move out OP. Hopefully you can work on your relationship with your mum and her partner in time. For now just focus on your move and baby.

When I read that your mum had given you notice I took it as she did that to help you so you could go to the council for housing. I may be wrong. Reading all that I couldn't see any point where your mum has done anything wrong though. That whole story is all about you and how you feel about your mum's partner.

Once your baby arrives you will be grateful for your mum.

If that's a,l he's done in 7 years. You sound rude. Your mum has the right to have a relationship with who she wants. If you'd been this rude to me for 7 years I'd have snapped so he's doing well.

Can’t even read most of your post but you sound like a petulant immature brat even though presumably you’re in your mid 20s. Think he sounds incredibly patient if you’ve been being rude to him for the past 7 years and he’s still trying to make the effort to speak to you. Amazed your Mum has only just told you to leave. Grow up.

Bizarre

You sound awful.

You have become stuck at age 17 and refuse to accept your DM has a new partner. You may have lived there before he did but you are an adult and would reasonably have been expected to move to your own accommodation by now.

Move out, raise your child as you wish but be clear it is likely your attitude will ostracise your DM.

Where is the father of your baby and his family in all of this?

He is your mums partner not bf.
They have been together 7 years yet you have basically blanked him.all that time.
You claim to not know him but when he makes conversation you complain .

You are still living at home, no mention of babys father nor job yet when someone points out you perhaps need to be looking at lower cost items for your baby you get the huff. Can you afford all the things you will need for a baby never mind a costly travel system?

I think after a year of my kids ignoring my dp in my own home i would have been telling them to grow up or ship out. Your mum is entitled to happiness with someone too and should expect a bit of suport and understanding from her adult child.

You sound like a jealous 12yr old. Sorry but its time you stood on your own two feet and stopped trying to control your mums happiness. By ignoring her dp you are hurting her every single time. And using a baby as a weapon before its even born is nasty. Grow up.

You need to move out, for the sake of all concerned. Your mum is in a ltr, and that needs to be respected, despite the fact that you don't get on with him.

Presumably she's been charging you a very low rent in the past few years, so you have been able to save a reasonable amount of your salary? You would only need a 1 bedroom place initially as the baby will be in with you anyway. The father will also have to pay maintenance, I hope you are discussing that with him already.

You're an adult, OP, you are about to have your own family, and you need to be standing on your own 2 feet. Quite frankly the issue of what your step father is going to be called is irrelevant at present. A bit of distance between you all, and you may find you get on better with him anyhow.

What strikes me is that you see this man as a 'stranger in a flatshare'. You don't seem to have processed (in 7 years) that his man is the man your Mum loves, relies on and that he supports her (she couldn't rely on him if he didn't support her). After being a single mum for so many years, don't you think she deserves that instead of despising her for it, and despising him somehow along the way?

In all your long post, you don't seem to have mentioned anything he's done wrong. We could have completely the wrong impression of him, but if he was controlling, abusive, alcoholic, sponger etc. it would maybe give us more sympathy with you.

OP, please grow up a bit for your baby's sake. And don't use the baby to score points, to hurt your mum for no good reason, and to alienate further the man she has chosen to share her life with.

Wow , I got half way through and gave up.

Grow up and move out.

I bet your mother is at her wits end with you.