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Parenting

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Original poster

smacking children in lips for swearing

46 replies

firelady · 20/08/2004 20:53

Hello all, I have a child with tourette, ocd, odd adhd and anxiety disorder. I recently have been allowing a counselor in my home weekly to advise me on how to be a better parent. Last week I spent about 45 minutes on the floor in the store with my son who spit, hit and swore the entire time. I outlasted him, he gave up and calmed down. Again the other day we went in the store and he started again. This time, instead or restraining him I thought of another tactic. Every time he called me another name, I smacked his lips. It only took 4 times. He straightened up immediately. That is not the kicker. I explained this to the counselor and she advised me that if I ever touched him again she would have to file a protective Service compaint on me. I think this is absurd since I did not act out of anger or stress just thought I just went on gut instinct.
just one note, I was abused as a child and anyone who knows me knows that hitting, smacking, spanking is usually my last choice in discipline.

OP posts:

blossomhill · 27/08/2004 21:38

Firelady - Has your son had a firm diagnosis? I am just slightly confused.

Original poster

firelady · 27/08/2004 21:40

I trust the doctors, I am beginning to think NO.
I have discussed my concerns on the doctors opinions with them I am not further to knowing they say if this happens its this. but then something else happens,
I JUST WISH THERE WAS A TEST TO FIGURE IT OUT.
HELP ME IF YOU CAN

OP posts:

CP3 · 27/08/2004 21:41

How old is he Firelady? It sounds like you are having a rough time with no help or information at all

Original poster

firelady · 27/08/2004 21:45

he is 10, it all started when he burned my house down in 1999.
I am not sure. I am sorry if I sound so defensive but I have had 5 years of this and only 1 time did I ever raise a hand to him.

OP posts:

blossomhill · 27/08/2004 21:48

Poor you Firelady. I don't think by the sounds of it matters what the diagnosis is but what is obvious is that you are having a really, really hard time. I really feel for you, honestly. Nobody should have to put up with what you are and I only hope that you get some help from somewhere. Have you spoken to SS about respite care? How helpful have the school been?
Unfortunately there is no blood test to detect ADHD, Autism or Tourettes at present. Whoever does discover one that does will be a millionaire. Please carry on posting, I really feel for you. It's fine to condemn someone but walk a day in their shoes is my motto for the day! Take care BH

Original poster

firelady · 27/08/2004 21:52

I did speak with ss and police. He is highly intelligant. He does not qualify for special ed. however the school has been very helpful, I did some research and now we have a 504 plan in effect. But he does not throw fits or do any of this at school he just sits there and chooses not to do anything.

OP posts:

CP3 · 27/08/2004 21:54

How on earth do you cope??? Im surprised you havnt snapped before. I cant condone you smacking him but i see that you must be at the end of your tether and wanting to try anything. Hitting him will only teach him that its alright to hit iyswim. When he goes off in a rage or shouting fit have you tried holding him really tight, talking to him and reasurring him in a calm voice till he calms down

CP3 · 27/08/2004 21:54

Have you asked him why he does this?

blossomhill · 27/08/2004 21:56

So ds is well behaved at school?
I have a dd who has been diagnosed with a language disorder and has difficulties at home and school, although I must say has improved greatly in both places but you can tell wherever she is that she has a language disorder.
If your son has adhd and tourette surely he must need a statement at school. I am slightly confused.

blossomhill · 27/08/2004 21:57

FL What is a 504 plan? Not heard of that before.

Original poster

firelady · 27/08/2004 21:58

yes, I have tried to hold him. he does not like this because he feels as though I am restraining him.
Last night I let him listen to the tape and asked him what he thought, I got I dont know.
He says he doesnt remember everything he said. I am trying to be consistant. I dont want to be my father. I will not be my father. I want to hug him and love him.
He wants me around he loves me I know he does I taught him that.
This will work out.

OP posts:

blossomhill · 27/08/2004 22:00

Good luck Firelady. I really hope things do work out for you.

CP3 · 27/08/2004 22:06

Keep us posted Firelady and good luck. Keep telling him how much you love him but also how much it hurts you when he does the things he does. Maybe an anger management course for him would help

Original poster

firelady · 27/08/2004 22:17

I know if he had it it would show other than with me.
504 is a plan that forces the school to develop an individual plan that is designed around the child and does not cause conflict or confrontation when the child is directed. It is a law just as IDEA is a law

OP posts:

blossomhill · 27/08/2004 22:18

Are you in this country FL as I have never herad of a 504?

Original poster

firelady · 27/08/2004 22:22

here is a sight
this will give some info on the 504
www.advocacy-in-education.com/definitions.html
or
www.504idea.org/504resources.html

If a child has a DX of something Neurological, add or adhd... it is required the school follows it.

OP posts:

Original poster

firelady · 27/08/2004 22:23

i meant sight, not site, you will see things a bit clearer when you know your rights.

OP posts:

blossomhill · 27/08/2004 22:29

Are you in America as the sight I looked at was in Texas?

jnbsmum · 27/08/2004 23:16

hi firelady. I'm sorry i dont think i can give you any advice but i'd like to say that i feel for you. I have a 4yr old (completly different i knoe) but untill recently his behavior started to spiral out of control. I was really lucky that we have a great support network where we live and they helped us to realise that we are not bad parents and sometimes things do get so bad that its hard to cope. You need as much support as you can get right now and you also need to stay posotive that your son will come out of this. From what i have read so far i am wondering if your childhood is making you feel in any way responsible, or that you are worried that you are acting like your father.(forgive me if i'm reading into this wrong) have you had counceling for your own childhood? My mother was abused as a child and to this day my mother has necer raised a finger to us so i beleive you when you say you do not use smacking as a punishment. Do not blame yourself for your sons behavior. stick with the help and things will work out.
Hope things go well. good luck

Original poster

firelady · 30/08/2004 16:48

I believe that yes all of what I do has come from the way I was raised.
I have gone to counseling. Thank you I have addressed this issue.

OP posts:

Original poster

firelady · 02/09/2004 19:50

Here you go, any more advice, I have followed all the professional advice, talked to school had everything all set. GUESS WHO LOST HIS BEHAVIOR PLAN OR DID NOT DO IT. So needless to say his first day in junior high, he was confused and stressed. I am just stressed by this. He also decided to get mad at me so he was sent to his room for an evening, not before swearing at me. He has not swore in a week.

OP posts:

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