Hating breastfeeding

[AperolSprizting]

I’m 3 weeks in and hating every minute of breastfeeding. Which is making me hate every minute of parenting because it’s literally all I do. I knew it’d be tough don’t get me wrong but I didn’t realise it’d be soul destroying and not mention downright excruciatingly painful. I can’t see how we’re ever going to leave the house either. Had a week in hospital and a week at home and haven’t been outside and have only had two sets of visitors since.

Firstly I’ve had a section so I can only really do a couple of holds full stop. The main problem I have though is thag DS seems to go from being slightly peckish to red faced and screaming the house down in seconds which is obviously awful but the it’s the hands, they’re grabbing my boobs, shredding at my nipples (which on already sore nipples feels like cutting them with glass and has me almost screaming), they’re in the way of me doing the correct hold and by the time I’ve managed to hold one down the crying has intensified and the fist of the other one is in his mouth. And so the process begins again. All this needs to be done standing up as I can’t pin his underside arm down whilst sat down. All the while he is screaming and by now twisting his head away and I’m drenched in sweat and almost shouting at him - the latter making me feel absolutely hideous. This has been going on for two and a half weeks and if anything has got worse not better. How could I ever do this outside the house?? We’ve seen various people and the advice ranges from that we should just put up with it in the hope that it will get better to trying swaddling. We’ve tried this - exasperberates the situation as he has to wait even longer and just fights his way free.

Then there’s the latch itself his mouth seems very small in comparison to all the pictures and videos I’ve seen and he doesn’t stick his tongue out - the MW said he has a short tongue but doesn’t have tongue tie as he’s gaining weight. This means the latch always ranges from uncomfortable to downright excruciating to the point that I’m sobbing. I did have some grazing which had healed with the application of Lanisoh but they are still very tender. Again whilst there’s been a marginal improvement the right one has got worse again this wk and everything says it shouldn’t hurt at all. I certainly don’t feel I should be sobbing, I even pulled some of my own hair out this morning to stop me from screaming and have been taking paracetamol and ibuprofen to deal with the pain all week. Again when people have looked they’ve said the latch looks normal?? They’ve suggested some things in terms of holding the nipple altho everything I have read says not to do that. However I need my free hand to hold down his arm so they’re all impossible. I’m also getting excruciating pain in my wrists.

I have mentioned nipple shields and expressing but all HCP have said not until 8 wks as it will effect supply and confuse the baby.

DH says because he is gaining weight I just need to persevere and grin and bare it. I think he thinks I want the easy way out and I don’t all I want to be able to give my baby my milk I just don’t want to be in agony to do it. DS’s really sweet and alert when he’s with DH, I don’t get any of that I’m just a reclusive feeding machine and I don’t feel like we’re bonding because of it feel like I could be anyone to DS and he could be anyone’s and I’m just feeding him.

What’s stopping you from just moving to formula and bottles? Why torture yourself and hate the early days of parenthood?

Please please please give a bottle. I know I'll get flamed for saying this but it won't confuse him and if you leave it any longer he won't take one.
I gave one in the evening. Still breastfed. Also you do not have to do this. If you are that much in pain and miserable it might be better to either mix feed or formula feed. Its not poison.

You're on a fast track to PND.

I hated BFing too, but even at its worst it wasn't as bad as physically pulling my hair out or barely stopping myself shouting at the baby, thats extreme and it needs to stop for both your sakes.

It is insane to persist in doing something that is making you unwell. For what? The baby will be fed regardless by some means. Ask yourself who you are doing this for. The baby needs a mum who is more than a resentful tearful machine. He needs the snuggly bonding too. If bottle feeding will improve literally EVERYTHING, then do it.

This should not be the hill you die on.

And yes, agree with above, if you don't train him on a bottle soon the window may close and you'll be trapped doing something that makes you very unwell. People say 6 weeks before they reject bottles but in my experience it's closer to 4.

Oh love that sounds awful. Firstly, it sounds very much like he has a tongue tie. Weight gain is nothing to do with it. If he has a shallow latch and can't stick tongue out that suggests posterior tongue tie. I would Google for a specialist in your area, was the best money we ever spent.
I remember the hands so well urgh. I know the experts say they need hands free to search for the breast but when that latch is shallow it's so easily knocked out. I used to swaddle to feed. Would that work for you?

Fuck that shite. Give him a bottle. I was going to write a longer post but that's all that needs said. Except maybe tell your DH to piss off or pipe down.

Hello OP, so sorry to hear you are having such a bad time. It absolutely isn't right that you are in so much pain with it. Can you afford a lactation consultant? It sounds like something definitely isn't working and often midwives / health visitors aren't the best with breastfeeding advice! Personally I would just go and buy some bottles, steriliser and formula (order on Amazon if you can't get to the shops). Sounds like you seriously need a break. Tell your DH to do one - would he persevere through an unnecessary, painful process following major abdominal surgery?! I think not. There's no need to stop breastfeeding completely (if you don't want to) as many people successfully combi-feed and 3 weeks is a great time to introduce a bottle as too much later and your baby probably won't take it - I had a bottle refuser and next time will be introducing a bottle of milk a day from day 1. Do not feel bad / guilty about stopping breastfeeding. Take care of yourself. And congratulations on your baby!

I too would give a bottle. I’ve fed 3dc and my first was given a bottle of expressed milk almost immediately as I had to return to work when she was only 6 weeks old. She took to it immediately and it didn’t stop her feeding. My other two I didn’t bother so early and they never took a bottle which caused problems later on if they ever needed to be left. I fed each for over a year and it didn’t affect my supply. I’m concerned you’re still in so much pain, I remember the agony of early breastfeeding but don’t think it lasted more than a week? Are you using Lansinoh all the time? I would slather it on before a feed. It really shouldn’t be like this and I’m sorry you’re struggling so much.

Agree with above. I struggled with bf and everything improved at 6 weeks when we moved to bottle feeding.

My DH was not a knob and although he could see I was struggling with it I should stop bf he said he would support me either way but it had to be my decision.

DD ended up in hospital at 23 months not related to feeding at all. Although he asked loads of question not once did they ask about bf.

SuperstarDJ - What’s stopping you from just moving to formula and bottles? Why torture yourself and hate the early days of parenthood?

Agree 100%! Don’t torture yourself op x

And also just to say you are doing an amazing job bfing and you don't need to switch to bottle unless you want to. Sounds like you have put so much effort in and it seems a shame to switch completely without checking out tongue tie. And don't worry about a "window" for bottle feeding as all hcps recommend waiting until 6 weeks to introduce a bottle if wanting to bf or combination feed.

Sounds like you're going through a really tough time. I promise it gets easier but first speak to an IBCLC - speak to a peer breastfeeding support group (la leche league or similar) - they'll be able to recommend someone. It sounds like tongue tie - babies can gain weight with a tie, if you'd like to continue breastfeeding do this as soon as you can - LLL have a great presence on Facebook or there's a number you can call if you google it.
Regarding the painful nipples, again if you want to persist get some shields but I also recommend hydrogel breast pads - they'll ease the toe curling pain in a few hours and will really help.
Aside from the above advice, if breastfeeding just isn't working make the switch to bottles and formula, fed is best you're not poisoning your baby giving formula! Be kind to yourself

I felt more or less like you at around 2/2.5 weeks. I shouted at my little boy "what do you want from me??" during one cluster feeding session.

For me it got suddenly better around 3 weeks and became much more bearable and then by 6 weeks it was a lot easer though there have been rough patches a few times since then.

It all depends how much you want to keep feeding and whether you want to feed exclusively or not.

We started with a dummy at 4 weeks and bottles of expressed milk at 6 and I wished I'd started that earlier, I think the nipple confusion argument can be overplayed. It's a 'risk' earlier but it may be one worth taking to give you a break.

Oh and the "it shouldn't hurt" is bullshit at least when the early weeks are concerned. It hurts a lot for a lot of women! Sometimes it means something is wrong but not always.

Please, please just give your baby a bottle, you need a break. Nothing terrible will happen, the sky will not fall in, no-one will judge you. Sadly modern HV's seem unable to support mothers in advising to give their babies formula. It's crazy, you are at your wits end, they should be there for you as well as your baby. I had some problems, nowhere near as bad as you, and this was some time ago, but when my HV came round in week 2 and saw the blood pouring down my stomach (sorry - gross), she literally gave me permission to stop. It was bliss, happy mummy, content baby. I have two very, very, intelligent, healthy grown up DD's. Good luck.

Did you say the MW said he didn't have a tongue tie because he was gaining weight? Your experience sounds like mine. My son gained weight but after I took him to a bf consultant she diagnosed a severe tongue tie and snipped it that day. After that it was plain sailing really. Recommend seeing a specialist if you haven't already and you don't want to switch to bottle

I would speak to someone else about tongue tie.

It's often misdiagnosed at first.

Please, try giving the National Breastfeeding Helpline a call, they're on 0300 100 0212

www.nationalbreastfeedinghelpline.org.uk/

MW and HVs aren't actually that well trained on BFing, often. You need to speak to a lactation consultant or other professional who actually understands BFing.

There's also a UK Facebook group on tongue tie - maybe join this, I'm sure some of them would be able to advise you how to get a second opinion and where to get it from.

www.facebook.com/groups/tonguetie/?ref=br_rs

I'm sorry you've had so many people telling you to switch to bottles and not actually offering you help with your specific situation.

I imagine you're well aware you can switch to bottles if you want, and wouldn't have gone through all this pain if you didn't want to BF, ideally.

Please think about giving him a bottle. I’ve got an 11 week old dd and I persevered with bf until 7 weeks. We had different problems, but problems all the same.
I was on the brink of depression, I disliked my daughter and hated being a mum. I basically cried all the time. We moved to formula and life is much happier. And I love being a mum now. Hand on heart it was the worst 7 weeks of my life and I can barely remember them due to feeling so low, I now kick myself as that time is so precious.

Give formula if it will help you right now. Literally tearing your hair out isn't something you should have to put up with.

In terms of breastfeeding, it is likely to be better at 6 weeks, better again at 3 months and so on. That's only relevant if you want to continue. Also, giving one or two (or more) formula feeds may well help to give you a break and you may be able to continue with some breastfeeding alongside.

Just give your baby a bottle of formula. Please. You don’t need to be feeling like this. Don’t torture yourself. Don’t be a martyr. You should enjoy your baby. (Wish someone had said this to me).

What’s stopping you from just moving to formula and bottles? Why torture yourself and hate the early days of parenthood?

Perhaps because the OP wants her child to benefit from breastfeeding. e.g. breastfeeding supports a child's developing immune system in a way formula just can't.

She's obviously having a tough time, but I find these very direct statements that she should give a bottle undermining rather than supportive tbh.

‘She's obviously having a tough time, but I find these very direct statements that she should give a bottle undermining rather than supportive tbh.’

You really think people should be supporting her to do something which is literally making her pull her hair out to stop her screaming? Really?! A woman’s mental health is ALWAYS the priority. Why should she be miserable when she could easily give the baby a few bottles so that she can rest, physically and mentally?

I am all for persevering but not to the detriment of your mental health. I think you should firstly speak to la leche league/ lactation consultant as your physical difficulties sound outside the norm and I too would strongly suspect TT. At that point if advice doesn't help you can change to ff knowing you have done your best and that you have no regrets. Your baby will be fed adequately , you will get a chance to recover and like the vast majority of babies in the uk your DC will thrive on a very safe milk replacement.
Ps I don't really think your DH should be doing anything other than supporting you.

What do you want to do? If it's bottles, that's your prerogative. If it's carrying on with breastfeeding, the support is out there, you just need to know where to find it & then fight for it!

If you're on Facebook, have a look for local breastfeeding support groups. They'll know who you need to speak to for extra support. All 3 of my DC had tongue ties. The first one I didn't know what a TT was & no-one suggested it as an issue. We ended up having to see the paediatrician because of slow weight gain, despite it being fine until about 9w. Both my other 2 I was told didn't have TT repeatedly but they did, as diagnosed & cut by an IBCLC. Feeding improved dramatically after one little snip!

Whatever you decide to do, take care of yourself as well as your baby. The first few weeks can be impossibly hard but it does get easier! Hang in there!