Hating breastfeeding

[AperolSprizting]

I’m 3 weeks in and hating every minute of breastfeeding. Which is making me hate every minute of parenting because it’s literally all I do. I knew it’d be tough don’t get me wrong but I didn’t realise it’d be soul destroying and not mention downright excruciatingly painful. I can’t see how we’re ever going to leave the house either. Had a week in hospital and a week at home and haven’t been outside and have only had two sets of visitors since.

Firstly I’ve had a section so I can only really do a couple of holds full stop. The main problem I have though is thag DS seems to go from being slightly peckish to red faced and screaming the house down in seconds which is obviously awful but the it’s the hands, they’re grabbing my boobs, shredding at my nipples (which on already sore nipples feels like cutting them with glass and has me almost screaming), they’re in the way of me doing the correct hold and by the time I’ve managed to hold one down the crying has intensified and the fist of the other one is in his mouth. And so the process begins again. All this needs to be done standing up as I can’t pin his underside arm down whilst sat down. All the while he is screaming and by now twisting his head away and I’m drenched in sweat and almost shouting at him - the latter making me feel absolutely hideous. This has been going on for two and a half weeks and if anything has got worse not better. How could I ever do this outside the house?? We’ve seen various people and the advice ranges from that we should just put up with it in the hope that it will get better to trying swaddling. We’ve tried this - exasperberates the situation as he has to wait even longer and just fights his way free.

Then there’s the latch itself his mouth seems very small in comparison to all the pictures and videos I’ve seen and he doesn’t stick his tongue out - the MW said he has a short tongue but doesn’t have tongue tie as he’s gaining weight. This means the latch always ranges from uncomfortable to downright excruciating to the point that I’m sobbing. I did have some grazing which had healed with the application of Lanisoh but they are still very tender. Again whilst there’s been a marginal improvement the right one has got worse again this wk and everything says it shouldn’t hurt at all. I certainly don’t feel I should be sobbing, I even pulled some of my own hair out this morning to stop me from screaming and have been taking paracetamol and ibuprofen to deal with the pain all week. Again when people have looked they’ve said the latch looks normal?? They’ve suggested some things in terms of holding the nipple altho everything I have read says not to do that. However I need my free hand to hold down his arm so they’re all impossible. I’m also getting excruciating pain in my wrists.

I have mentioned nipple shields and expressing but all HCP have said not until 8 wks as it will effect supply and confuse the baby.

DH says because he is gaining weight I just need to persevere and grin and bare it. I think he thinks I want the easy way out and I don’t all I want to be able to give my baby my milk I just don’t want to be in agony to do it. DS’s really sweet and alert when he’s with DH, I don’t get any of that I’m just a reclusive feeding machine and I don’t feel like we’re bonding because of it feel like I could be anyone to DS and he could be anyone’s and I’m just feeding him.

Ps I am convinced that only the baby growing and thus getting a bigger mouth made it comfortable for me. I had the latched checked millions of times and it looked perfect but was agony. Them getting bigger helps so much!

Oh this sounds so tough. If you want to move to formula please do so.
It doesnt have to be all or nothing though and many combi feed for a very long time. Even one bottle in the evening so you get a few hours respite can help. And even if you combi feed for a bit it doesnt mean you cant go back to exclusive breastfeeding later if you want to. If you only want to give breastmilk, a silicone pump such as a haaka or naturebond is great as they basically suction onto your other breast while baby is feeding on the otherside and you can build a stash of breastmilk without too much effort. I and many of my friends exclusively pumped for a while while our babies are in neonatal or were awaiting tongue tie revisions and that is an option too although hard work long term.

Previous posters are right and babies often do refuse bottles if they arent given them early and i know 2 people that have fed their babies using shields for over a year. The shields come in different sizes so you might need to shop around until you find some that suit you.

Can you get along to a breastfeeding support group for some face to face support and have baby checked for tongue tie again? I would also check that you dont have a bacterial infection or thrush as these can be agonising so please contact your gp or hv. I find mentioning that you are going to give up bf speeds things up generally.
Multimam compresses are a lifesaver and although it says to only keep them on for an hour most people keep them on for much longer and they work wonders.

Do women really feel the pressure to breastfeed so badly that they would put themselves through what sounds like absolute hell and ruin the most precious first months they get with their babies? It's really sad that anyone feels it's so important to breastfeed that they would rather get so upset they shout at their baby rather than just switch to bottles. OP I am NOT saying that to be harsh on you, i genuinely think it's terrible that you have felt the need to carry on despite these struggles :( bottle feeding is NOT the devil like some of the BF brigade would have you believe. Baby needs fed, feed baby whatever way is easiest, relax and enjoy the most precious first few months with your baby

If you want to carry on breastfeeding either swaddle him or put mittens on him. Use a dummy they're a life saver, I gave mine a dummy at 10 days old no nipple confusion at all.
I had a very long labour and c section, then DS lost a lot of weight, I ended up feeding on a 3 hour schedule and topping up. Feeding every 3 hours meant he never got to the screaming hungry stage. You could replace a couple of feeds a day with a bottle of formula to give you a rest, just pick a feed your dh can do. Mix feeding is not talked about in the UK but can be a good option.
It does suddenly become very easy. Good luck.

I was so lucky to have a visit from a great midwife in the first week who showed me how to swaddle DS arms into a Muslim to keep them out of the way and out of his mouth - really helped.
It does also sound like you need him your DC to be properly checked for tongue tie. Does your hospital have an infant feeding team? Any breastfeeding peer support around? LLL sound great if you have any but my nearest were about 2 hours away!
Give formula if that is what you want to do and will help you but if it will make you feel more miserable then try every support phone line and resource you’ve been given until someone helps. It’s painful initially and relentless but it shouldn’t be making you feel like this.
If you do keep BF get DH to do pretty much everything else. You feed baby, DH feeds you and clears up, keeps the house sorted etc. I vividly remember my DH literally feeding me on more that one evening when I still needed two hands to position and feed DS.
One of those long flexible maternity pillows is good for wrapping around and bunching up and supporting baby in different positions. I didn’t have a c section but I had a very heavy baby and it was really hard work holding his weight in various positions.

muslin not Muslim obviously!

I was you 9 weeks ago.
I rang the BF support line in tears telling them I needed to stop breastfeeding but felt I couldnt. They said that I was so distressed that they believed I needed to not breastfeed that evening. I was told to express or just allow DH to give formula aand to get a good nights sleep.

I woke the next morning and put DC to my breast and have been breastfeeding since.

I used NIPPLE SHIELDS though which saved my nipples! I would not still be breast feeding without them! And at 8 weeks DC just latched on herself without them so don't worry at all about him getting too used to them. I used them from day 4 due to tongue tie and nipple damage.

As for the arms! My DC was exactly the same! But did it less in public I found when I eventually did venture out. My DH had to hold her arms whilst I latched her on when we were at home and he wasnt at work. In the day time when it was just us, we had to persevere.

I also introduced a nightly bottle feed from 4 weeks of expressed milk which DH gives every night at 10.30pm to give me a brrak and much needed sleep. There was slight nipple confusion but we still managed.

Take it a feed at a time. If you can do the next one great, if not,opt for a bottle.

My advice right now is to take a night off or atleast a couple of feeds off and then see how you feel.

12 weeks in and after all our battles, breastfeeding is going well. If you take a break and wake up wanting to give a bottle then please, do that x

All of those posters saying just switch to formula - did you read the OP?

all I want to be able to give my baby my milk I just don’t want to be in agony to do it.

The OP knows she can go out and get formula. She doesn't want to. She needs help and support so that bf is not agony.

OP there's loads of good advice here. It should not be this painful so there is something that can be fixed that will improve the situation if that's what you want.

Give him a bottle and enjoy your baby. Happy mum = happy baby.

PS I meant to say that I struggled a lot with bf in the early days. It's something I really wanted to do. Lots of well meaning friends, family and midwives told me to "just give him formula". They thought they were being kind to me but it made me feel like they didn't support my decision to bf and upset me more. So maybe I'm projecting a bit here!

Ffs, you poor love you sound like you're at the end of your bloody rope. Do what is right for you, forget what your dh says, what the midwife says, because they're not the ones pulling their own hair out. If you want to stop bf then stop, if you want to carry on then carry on, if you want to try combo feeding then do that, but whatever you decide don't feel pressured by anyone you do whatever you feel is right for you and your baby!!

Unfortunately what you are experiencing is the reality of breastfeeding. It is hard, it can hurt at first and it is exhausting. It will get worse before it gets better. So if you do what to continue then you should be prepared for that. I would introduce a bottle as soon as possible as "Nipple confusion" IMO is a load of rubbish.

This side of Breastfeeding isn't explained to new mothers, most likely because it would put even more women off trying it.

It got better for me around 9 weeks in.
I continued because I wanted to, for the reasons I believed were important for me.

Do what is right for you. Breastfeeding isn't for everyone.

Sorry you're having such a tough time. I've not read all the comments but here is my advice, based on a missed tongue tie with my baby, having a different hv visit everyday giving vague or conflicting tips as I was begging for bf support.

If you can afford it, see a lactation consultant who can cut tongue ties. It was the best money I've ever spent. She cut the tie and gave patient and meaningful active support for latch, holds, etc.

Don't be afraid of giving your baby a bottle to give your body a break. I gave one bottle a day, for a few weeks, just to save my sanity and continued with one bottle a week over several months which my oh gave, allowing me a decent block of sleep.

In the short term, try giving just one side for each feed. This allows slightly longer recovery time for your nipples. Use a shield if you've got grazes. It's only temporary and I'd be shocked if your baby got confused.

I'd say the first 6 weeks were hell for me bf but it did gradually improve. My boy is now 11 months and only feeds twice a day and it's a lovely experience. In the big scheme of things you need to feed your baby but also recover from your c section so do what is right for both of you, whether that's mixed feeding, formula or expressing.

Big hugs. There needs to be more specialised and open support in the early weeks of motherhood, instead of vague tips and breast is best guilt. Good luck.

@harrietm87 but WHY is that 'all she wants' ? - a lot of women feel this way because they are so guilty at the thought of bottle feeding due to midwives/ health visits and the media. I remember my SIL being so distressed but saying she wanted to keep going as she was worried the baby would be affected - many mums feel this way and it's needless! The idea that your baby is going to become superhuman on BM and the runt of the little on FM is ridiculous. The most damaging thing for a baby is a highly stressed mother who is shouting at them- that could really have an impact on a child. Some mums need to hear that it's OKAY to FF and that's what myself and others have done here in case it's what she needs to hear

Both my dc had bad tongue tie even while gaining weight. Ds has a small tongue too but after getting tt sorted that hasn't been an issue. Yyy to op who said this really sounds like tongue tie. And to slather on the lansinoh like it's going out of fashion. It sounds like it's been hell and ime though the first few weeks are tough they shouldn't be that bad. My tuppence worth is that unless you really want to stop bf, try expressing and feeding with bottle first while you get some good bf advice from a lactation consultant, thereby hopegillt getting a break of sorts while keeping supply going. And def get tt assessed. I agree that nipple confusion issue can be overstated, both my two were on formula (& bf) in their first week before me going onto ebf them and this never caused any issue.

Best of lu v. I know it's easier said than dove but try to get rest and take care

Hi OP, I haven't read all of the replies but just wanted to tell you that your experience sounds so familiar.

In the early days I was in agony. My nipples were scabbed over and I spent every minute of every day dreading DS waking up because I knew the pain would start again. Two paediatricians and numerous midwives in hospital reassured me that his latch was perfect and he didn't have tongue tie. Well, it turns out he had severe tongue tie! Having it snipped wasn't the magical cure I'd hoped for but it did gradually get better after that. I swore I was only going to BF until he was three months old, then six months, and I've actually only just stopped (DS is 15 months). But if someone had told me that in those early weeks I'd have thought they were talking rubbish. So, if there's a medical professional you can speak to I'd really recommend getting your DS checked for tongue tie again because I found that plenty of midwives and even doctors can miss it.

I spent those weeks of agony feeling like I'd be a massive failure if I stopped BFing, and also terrified of introducing a bottle in case it caused nipple confusion. It's only with hindsight that I can see things differently. I'm pleased I stuck with it in the end, but it came at a cost - it took me longer to bond with DS because I associated him with pain. And it can really take it out of you mentally when there's no scope for having a break from it.

If I was to do it again I'd tell myself to introduce a bottle sooner, whether that was expressed milk or formula, to give myself a break. Even just for one feed a day to give the nipples a chance to heal a bit. And I'd reassure myself that although the flailing arms make it seem like feeding in public is never going to be an option, over time it will get so much easier. I got sick of people telling me that but it's true.

@Whiskeyjar I have no idea...I'm only going by what the OP says.

Personally I wanted to bf for lots of reasons, and for me the initial pain was worth it. I can't say what I would have done if I'd been in the OP's situation but I wouldn't have felt like I needed permission to formula feed from strangers on the internet! I did however ask questions about what is normal for bf and how to deal with certain things, and got lots of help. I assume that's what OP wants and it's what she's got from most people on the thread.

Firstly, you've given your son 3 weeks of exclusive breastfeeding including the really important colostrum... Well done.

Can you put him in a sleepsuit with integrated scratch mitts, so you can just flip them over his hands easily when needed.

Have you tried a pre shaped swaddle rather than a blanket?

Do you feed lying down? Ignore me if that is not practical after a cs. My daughter has always been much calmer feeding lay down in a quiet, darkish bedroom.

Awww I felt every bit of your post. The first four weeks of feeding was exactly the same. So hard. Every day was different and yesterday was always worse than today, even if it was one big endless day at times.

You’ll have heard all sorts of advice. You know yourself what you want to do, you know your options and what’s best for your DS.

Unmumsnetty hugs from me though.

Poor you. I had a similar experience with my 1st. Please don't waste these special first few weeks by being horribly stressed about how you're feeding baby. If I were you I would firstly express or give formula in a bottle at least once per day (could partner do it?) So you can get a bit of a break and some healing time. Definitely get a second opinion on the tongue tie as your midwife doesn't sound like she is very well trained in it...and definitely try the shields, they can be wonderful tools.
Mixed feeding can work well it doesn't need to be all or nothing and it sounds like you really need to take a bit more care of yourself. I struggled on in this way for 8 weeks and it was a living nightmare and gave me pnd. I feel so dissapointed with myself that I persisted for that long when I could have been enjoying my little one. Best of luck.

hi, what do you want to do? if you could take away the problems of bf then would you want to continue? if yes then get yourself seen by a lactation consultant, call lll for advice. the midwife isn't right, gaining weight doesn't mean no tongue tie, it just means hes managing to get enough, but at the expense of your nipples. your clearly identifying problems eg mouth not opening wide enough and tongue doesn't protrude (sign of tongue tie, even if only partial, if they cant move their tongue properly then the nipple is going to get the force of those movements) so sorry but it sounds like you've been a victim of rubbish advice. also 6 weeks typical recommendation for bottles but many do use before that just fine. also, nipple shields are slightly different, they aren't confusing in the same way a bottle is because its still from the breast, they still have to suck the same way, the issue is usually supply. however if you think your supply is pretty good then really its your choice, but to me if its a toss up between giving your nipples a break but being able to continue feeding but risking a drop in supply or the alternative is continue=ing in pain until you stop then id try the nipple shields (ps I used nipple shields from day 3 for inverted nipples, sure it added some problems but it solved others, we got off them after a few months when her mouth had got bigger and she got better at latching, and she natural term weaned, so it all worked out in the end) also, expressing is still breastfeeding, and its a very valid method. there are many women who exclusively pump, its just not exactly easier as essentially youre double feeding if that makes sense, but I have a friend who happily pumped until 8 months. really depends on how you respond to pumping.

really you have to make your own choice, but make it an informed one. at the moment it sounds like you've not really had any advice from people who actually understand breastfeeding. breastfeeding isn't easy, and initially it can be painful, and unusual and it is very demanding, but that's not what youre describing, what youre describing is unbearable pain, noticing things that aren't right, a distressed baby and no support. those are things that can be changed. hope you can find support. also, nothing is set in stone. eg, if you are at breaking point then try pumping or nipple shields, or even a bottle, sometimes just realising that whilst everything that's said is true about confusing babies etc, it is also not something that happens just like that and not something that has to mean the end of breastfeeding. it makes me mad when I hear professionals behaving this way. the goal should be to help women continue breastfeeding and that sometimes means being flexible. for goodness sakes they forced me to use a bottle at 3 days old for top ups, she did get confused after a day, and so I switched to one bottle at night, that she coped with fine. I wish I hadn't listened at all, but it did make me understand that babies don't just suddnenly stop being able to feed. if you are in excrutiating pain for example in the middle of the night and want to give a bottle make a decision to do that, then you can face the rest in the morning, get up, call someone more knowledgeable and get help. hope that makes sense? do what suits you, if that includes bfing in some way then get some help, and go easy on yourself, there is a huge grey area between exclusive feeding and formula feeding, and many many people fall in there, all breast milk offers benefits, increased if exclusive but huge benefits with every single feed, so iftheres a bit of both, then that's ok too.

I used nipple shields early on and it is thanks to them I could carry on exclusively breastfeeding (albeit one breast only in the end) and they caused no nipple confusion whatsoever.

it's hard work and relentless, but you'll get through it however you decide to continue

Poor soul. How awful that feeding a baby should cause such distress to herself and then such emotion in others.

Op, iris 100% not too early to introduce a bottle, nipple sheilds or a dummy. My dd2 has one bottle of expressed milk then formula a day from 2 weeks old. It was a blessing to allow a little bit of healing time.

You will do no harm offering a bottle or two a day to give you time to heal and recover yourself. That breathing space is what you need to make a rational decision about what you want to do next.

My ds is 2 weeks old and I'm not enjoying it much either. We're having to mix feed as he was dropping weight. I had a couple of ideas that might help:

• re the scratchy fingers - if you don't want to swaddle, you can pull the scratch mitts that are built into some nb baby grows over the baby's hands

• friend recommended silver nipple cups for my shredded cracked bleeding nipples. In desperation I bought some, £30 on Amazon. I think they've made a world of difference. My nipples healed in about a day and a half, and they were awful!

• I've been using nipple shields intermittently, as well as bottles. My baby can still latch onto my breast fine.

Hope you're ok. Xxx

Tongue tie only affects a very small percentage of babies..... they all seem to be on MN.