Hating breastfeeding

[AperolSprizting]

I’m 3 weeks in and hating every minute of breastfeeding. Which is making me hate every minute of parenting because it’s literally all I do. I knew it’d be tough don’t get me wrong but I didn’t realise it’d be soul destroying and not mention downright excruciatingly painful. I can’t see how we’re ever going to leave the house either. Had a week in hospital and a week at home and haven’t been outside and have only had two sets of visitors since.

Firstly I’ve had a section so I can only really do a couple of holds full stop. The main problem I have though is thag DS seems to go from being slightly peckish to red faced and screaming the house down in seconds which is obviously awful but the it’s the hands, they’re grabbing my boobs, shredding at my nipples (which on already sore nipples feels like cutting them with glass and has me almost screaming), they’re in the way of me doing the correct hold and by the time I’ve managed to hold one down the crying has intensified and the fist of the other one is in his mouth. And so the process begins again. All this needs to be done standing up as I can’t pin his underside arm down whilst sat down. All the while he is screaming and by now twisting his head away and I’m drenched in sweat and almost shouting at him - the latter making me feel absolutely hideous. This has been going on for two and a half weeks and if anything has got worse not better. How could I ever do this outside the house?? We’ve seen various people and the advice ranges from that we should just put up with it in the hope that it will get better to trying swaddling. We’ve tried this - exasperberates the situation as he has to wait even longer and just fights his way free.

Then there’s the latch itself his mouth seems very small in comparison to all the pictures and videos I’ve seen and he doesn’t stick his tongue out - the MW said he has a short tongue but doesn’t have tongue tie as he’s gaining weight. This means the latch always ranges from uncomfortable to downright excruciating to the point that I’m sobbing. I did have some grazing which had healed with the application of Lanisoh but they are still very tender. Again whilst there’s been a marginal improvement the right one has got worse again this wk and everything says it shouldn’t hurt at all. I certainly don’t feel I should be sobbing, I even pulled some of my own hair out this morning to stop me from screaming and have been taking paracetamol and ibuprofen to deal with the pain all week. Again when people have looked they’ve said the latch looks normal?? They’ve suggested some things in terms of holding the nipple altho everything I have read says not to do that. However I need my free hand to hold down his arm so they’re all impossible. I’m also getting excruciating pain in my wrists.

I have mentioned nipple shields and expressing but all HCP have said not until 8 wks as it will effect supply and confuse the baby.

DH says because he is gaining weight I just need to persevere and grin and bare it. I think he thinks I want the easy way out and I don’t all I want to be able to give my baby my milk I just don’t want to be in agony to do it. DS’s really sweet and alert when he’s with DH, I don’t get any of that I’m just a reclusive feeding machine and I don’t feel like we’re bonding because of it feel like I could be anyone to DS and he could be anyone’s and I’m just feeding him.

Mental health > breastfeeding.

Frankly if someone is literally self harming, then fuck breastfeeding.

Ugh this brings back memories. It does get easier as the baby gets bigger but it's up to you whether you want to stick with it. DD has a bottle of either expressed or formula once a day to give me a break.

I found it easier once mine started smiling, at 3 weeks I think I was almost scared of her.

DH says because he is gaining weight I just need to persevere and grin and bare it.

Your "D"H doesn't really get a say in what you do with your body so he can fuck off.

Fwiw I've bf 3 children for a total of 5years (so far - youngest is still bf). IME, the first 6 weeks with your first DC are fucking awful, they really are. Those little nails on cracked nipples!!! It gets easier BUT you don't have to keep going. It's ok to stop.

Just seconding the people who have mentioned tongue tie - definitely get a second opinion. As a baby I had what looked like a short tongue (still do!) and my mother struggled to breastfeed at first... Because I have a tongue tie!

I have mentioned nipple shields and expressing but all HCP have said not until 8 wks as it will effect supply and confuse the baby.

Dd (my 2nd child) is 10 weeks old and the whole short tongue/small mouth/latch issues sounds very similar. A peer supporter told me to try nipple shields when I felt like I was losing my mind during week 1 as I knew I wasn't doing anything different to my first, it just wasn't working this time. It didn't confuse her at all and around 6 weeks, her mouth was big enough that she could latch without it easily.

However I need my free hand to hold down his arm so they’re all impossible.

When your husband is at home, get him to help. We tag teamed dd to start with because I'm not an octopus.

If you want to continue and you don't feel this is sustainable, I would definitely try nipple shields/pumping. Both mine I pumped during week 1 (dc1 was in NICU), both mine have had dummies (I'm such a bad mother...although dc1's was because NICU said he either had to have a dummy or formula to stop him bullying the preemies by screaming his head off whenever they sent me back to bed) and dc2 had nipple shields. Both had no confusion whatsoever.

OP I agree with the others - you need to get him checked for tongue tie ASAP. In the meantime could you try expressing so that you can have one feed off a day? (Try to avoid it being a night feed as those are more important for establishing supply). If you can express rather than formula that will keep your supply up in the event it is a tongue tie issue which can be resolved so you can continue bf. Every day of bf is good for your baby so you've done a brilliant job getting this far and there's no shame in stopping when you want to.

I really struggled for the first few weeks, things really improved at 3.5 weeks, then 6 weeks, then 12 weeks it got easier still as the baby is more efficient at feeding.

You really think people should be supporting her to do something which is literally making her pull her hair out to stop her screaming?

I think people should be supporting her to get help and support.

Breastfeeding should not be the nightmare she's describing.

There may be a solution to this that means she can continue BFing if she wants to.

A friend of mine had trouble BFing, and go so frustrated that everyone just seemed to want to give her permission to stop, when that's not what she needed. She needed practical and well-informed help with the specific problems she was having. Thankfully she eventually found that help, as it was very important to her that she did so.

The UK (among many other industrialised countries) is very anti-BFing generally, Many women who wanted to BF stop - but because they want to, but because the support and access to well-informed advice isn't there when they run into problems.

Rather than just telling the OP to stop, wouldn't it be better to see if there's support out there to help her BF successfully first - she obviously wanted to - else why would she have done it at all when it hurt.

It's a shane our HVs aren't better trained as standard - as women might not have to suffer like this if they were.

I really feel for you. My first really struggled with bf at the beginning as he just wouldn't latch. A bf consultant on day 5 recommended nipple shields to give my nipples a break and him something to latch onto. They were a lifesaver - I used them for every feed for about 6 weeks. From 4 weeks I always offered without the shield 1st but it took a couple of weeks to get him to stop using them. I then fed until he was 18 months. They are a faff and some people hate them, but I would totally recommend and I wouldn't have carried on feeding had I not used them.

That being said you don't need anyone's permission to use a bottle. Bf is not more important than your sanity and your baby will also thrive on formula. How you feed is such a small part of parenting in the grand scheme of things, dont let it ruin the beginning

This brings back memories for me, I never settled in to breastfeeding, it was always excruciating and I hated my baby for hurting me ALL THE TIME. There was no joy. I started mix feeding then ended up on formula in a few weeks and though I felt guilty and a failure I see now it was absolutely the right thing to do. Same thing happened with my second when Iw as determined I was so chilled the second time round. I had loads of support, MW and BF groups etc and I did EVERYTHING.

Get formula and start enjoying your baby xxxx

Please please move to bottles. My PND was partly brought on with the absolute awful guilt of not being able to breastfeed. I put myself under SO much pressure and it wasn't the fact I couldn't do it as I was producing so much milk it was more because I couldn't relax, I was stressing myself over how much my dd was taking, the tiredness etc. Please. It's not worth it...

Can you see a lactation specialist about tongue tie! I got told my LG didn't have tongue tie and it wasn't checked because she was gaining weight and hardly lost any in first few days. I struggled through for 3 weeks with the thrashing at the breast.

I finally went to a support group who confirmed tongue tie. A week ago we had this snipped privately as couldn't wait the 8 weeks on NHS and the practitioner confirmed she had little function in tongue due to a short and thick tie. A week in and things are getting better longer feeds and more satisfaction.

Sounds about right.

Switch to formula, no biggie.

If it's causing you both so much distress then I would definitely change to formula . You will both be much happier

If you don't want to stop bf straight away and need some time to decide what to do, you could express and bottle feed breast milk. Pumping isn't fun but it means you can stop bf completely, if you wish, whilst maintaining your supply. Or you can do three feeds a day and the rest bottles, or whatever! Please don't let yourself be pressured to bf if you hate it. Most babies can switch between bottles and breast if they're used to both, so you do have time to bottle fed expressed breast milk in order to get a break, and decide what you want to do.

I didn’t say she should stop breastfeeding. I said she should give a few bottles now so she can rest and get her head together. Yeah, if she wants to persevere with BF she can contact support groups. But that takes time, and for now what the OP needs is a break.

You absolutely can use nipple shields right now!
My midwife gave me one in hospital as DS was struggling to latch. Just try not to let them become a permanent useage. But use them until your nipples are feeling less sore.

I had this excruciating pain you speak, although at 3 weeks I noticed a large improvement.

With regards to him scratching you- yes ouchy that hurts so so much. Can you try the rugby ball hold? That way he might not be able to reach around so easily.

Maam nipple compresses are nice. They are like cooling plasters similar to aloe Vera.

Also sounds weird but rub breastmilk into your sore nipples it's a great healer. Try walking around topless as much as you can (it's a pain when you get a let down mid toplessness though!)

You can express a bit now. The danger is it will tell your body to make too much milk/ create an oversupply. And also giving a bottle so early can cause nipple confusio... However if it's only one feed per day it should be ok.

Best of luck

Oh sweetheart, you sound exhausted! Have you seen a lactation consultant or just midwives/HVs? If not I’d definitely recommend it because no-one noticed my daughters tongue tie for 8 weeks. How about speaking to your closest Sure Start centre? Mine was really helpful when we were having issues.

Are you using lanolin cream on your nipples? The MAM nipple patches are really soothing too. They’re a bit pricey but I found they were big enough to cut in half and they lasted longer that way.

With regards to his arms, we also had this issue in the early days my husband had to help me hold her arms out of the way. Have you tried giving him something to hold while you feed him so he’s not grabbing at you? You can buy necklaces for them to play with/chew on which I found helpful.

Also you say he gets wound up very quickly, I just admit I really struggled to notice feeding cues so we had this problem too. I definitely found it easier to pick up on her cues as time went on though so you will too.

Breastfeeding Yummy Mummies is a fantastic Facebook support group, I’d definitely recommend them.

Whatever you choose to do whether that’s BF or formula you are a fantastic mum and he loves you very much. You have to remember to put yourself first sometimes because you being happy and healthy is far more important than the benefits of him receiving breast milk. Sending lots of hugs your way.

Switch to formula.

Try the shields, they worked for me! I had them from a week old and my milk supply was great. Do not beat yourself up over this, it either comes easy or hard. If all fails either try expressing and giving by bottle (depends on what you produce) or go over to formula. It does not matter, your health in all ways and your baby's happiness is more important.

If you want to continue breastfeeding get some real life help. Get DH to check to see if there is a breastfeeding cafe (through the children’s centre) in your area or at the hospital. He needs to be helpful! Put him to work. He can ring around or ask on your local Facebook page if there is one.

Also try nipped shields to give you some immediate relief and get DH to help with holding your baby’s hands out of the way. If he’s not around try swaddling the baby to stop the octopus arms.

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Perhaps remind your DH you need support not just being told to ‘grin and bare it’.
Breastfeeding is hard but it sounds like you are having a particularly tough time. Just do what’s best for you. Honestly, and I say that as a very pro breastfeeding person.

Ahh OP. I had both a C section and vaginal delivery. In both breastfeeding was like you describe - I recall saying it was like cut glass being rubbed into my nipples.
I did stick with it but an ild fashioned midwife told me to rub a thick vaseline type cream into my nipples but just wipe off before baby latched on. It began with L I think. Saved the day and I could continue.
Nipples got used to it eventually ...

So - I'd say whatever you decide to do is fine. Persevere if you wish like me - it will get better. If you decide to formula feed, this is okay too (my sister did and at 17 years, there really isn't any difference between mine and her dd). Totally up to you. You will feed your baby whatever. You've given baby some antibodies already. Just enjoy your time with baby

Probably Lansinoh ointment @AntiBi, it doesn't need to be wiped off before a feed unless there is a lot of it (makes your skin v slippery for baby to latch onto if there's loads).

The first 6 weeks are hard and painful. If you want to carry on it can be a case of grit your teeth and power through, it does get so much easier.

But at the end of the day formula isn’t evil.

I tried breastfeeding with both of mine and hated it. 1st lasted 3 days, expressed for 2 weeks and bottlefed. Health visitor made me cry by calling me irresponsible. She was frog marched out of my house by my DH.

2nd, lasted 18 hours then straight to bottle.

Best decision I ever made. For both myself and my kids. I felt happier, they were happier and I never regret my decision.

Maybe swaddle him before a feed so he can’t get his hands in the way? This post describes it so vividly, I felt exactly like this in the early weeks with both of mine. I used to dread them waking up because feeding was so awful. I got lots of support from breastfeeding groups at the children’s centre, which helped a lot.

Both times I latched the baby one day and thought ‘this doesn’t hurt!’ And it was like a huge weight had lifted. Was around 8 weeks the first time and 6 weeks the second time. Multi mam compresses got me through.