Daughter is a laughing stock

[upset70]

I feel like my DD is a laughing stock, it goes back to when she was very first born, she has always been chubby and when she started walking/crawling she was clumsy (as all babies are) and the family used to joke that she was like a bulldozer and would say things like "hide all the ornaments if emily is coming around..". I thought maybe I was just being paranoid but it seems to have followed her around as shes grown up.

When she started nursery the other kids used to ask their mums why she "had a fat belly" and why she "looked like that" and their parents would always brush their comments off with an embarrassed smile. When she started reception the other kids would roll their eyes whenever they saw her coming, they would call her dopey and say things like "stay away from me today I dont want my pictures ruined" etc. She has always been quite forgetful and the one time one of the girls in her class had a party and told my daughter that she couldnt go as she'd forget the date and then the other girls started laughing at her saying she'd forget were she was going half way there etc.

She's now 11 and this attitude towards her has continued all through her life, the teachers say things to me like "she's a dreamer" and "she's in her own little world" but the other kids are more nasty saying she's "gormless" and docile. We were in town a few weeks ago and she saw one of the boys from her class and as he walked past her she did that "duh" face (where they stick their tongue in their bottom lip) and shouted "duh" really loud in her face, all his mates burst out laughing and he said "its ok, she'll forget about it by monday"

When she started her secondry school last september the 2nd day there they had a pe lesson where my DD ended up falling over in front of the entire year group, this totally wrecked any hope she had for making friends at this school and they all keep going on about it to her "show us how you fell over" every 5 minutes etc

Today was the straw that broke the camels back really, she had been invited to a party by one of the kinder girls in her class, turns out she only invited her because her mum felt sorry for my DD anyway somewhere over the past few weeks my DD had heard it was a fancy dress so we went all over yesterday to get her a costume, we got her an "elizibeth swan" costume and she went in it all proud today only to realise when she got there that it wasnt fancy dress at all, one of the bitchy little brats had told her it was for a laugh. She was the only one dressed up, the "kind girl" just looked confused and looked at her mum as if to say "what do I say?", my DD was obviously mortified, the rest of the girls were in hysterics and even the parents were giggling among themselves.

I just feel so sorry for her, is life always going to be like this for her? she tries to laugh along with them but she's hurting.

Jajas, do you have CAT capability?

You know I don't like smelly things, but I'm willing to indulge DD1 in her enthusiasm for all things animalian, as the enthusiasm doesn't seem to have worn off.

I don't know the FIRST thing about such creatures as horse because let's face it, they are scary.

"she tries to laugh along with them" - god she is so brave. I think it's shows such character to keep on trying and getting on with her life when she's up against this shit.

Being a child can be awful when you don't fit in and it's no consolation to her now but it's not forever. As adults we get so much more choice about who we mix with and don't have to put up with dross like this. I am so disgusted at the adults who are facilitating this behaviour. It would have taken no effort for someone to have noticed the obvious mistake and made a fuss of her.

I'm sorry, I don't have any ideas but lots of good ones above. I didn't have the same level of problems as your dd but I wouldn't go back to being that age for a million pounds. My life got a whole lot better the day I left school and has continued getting better ever since. This is no indication of how the rest of her life might pan out, please believe this.

My thoughts are also dyspraxia. DD3 (15) has dyspraxia and has suffered some bullying at school in the past. We got that sorted out by talking to her teachers and in year eight and nine she was given a mentor. That meant a teacher she could go to and tell him about any worries and if anybody was bothering her. The taecher used to keep an eye on her and had a one to one session once aweek with her. She wasn't the only pupil to have a mentor. So I should go and speak to her teachers and insist that they do something.
I agree with other posters try some out of school activities
My DD belongs to a local Drama club and has a good group of friends there. They just acept her and all have the same interest.

Agree with the activities idea so that she can feel confident about something. It almost doesn't matter what it is, just as so long as she loves it and can lose herself in it. I never felt like I fitted in at school but loved being active and loved reading - so I was never too concerned if I was with people or by myself. Being physically strong or fit can make a huge difference. What about something in water where she doesn't have to be graceful like water aerobics?

Hope you're OK Upset70 - this must be pretty painful to watch.

oh you poor things

How awful. Lots of good advice here, and what others said about out of school activities.

Tis a fact that most folk lose touch with their school friends within 5 years of leaving school i think it is.

Friends made outside of school last longer and have firmer foundations. The school environment is so superficial. No-one wants to ever be seen as 'odd one out'. Which can lead to the singling out of folk that are 'different', and the 'group mentality' thing.

Don't have much to add (some great advice already) but feel very angry on your DD's behalf. I hope she grows up (and bet she will!) to have the last laugh. xx

So sorry to read this I can't add anything to the good advice that has been given apart from to say that my 8 year old DD has dyspraxia and this is the sort of thing I dread happening to her. Luckily she received a diagnosis when she was 5 and has come on a lot with OT & Physio.

I've tried really hard to boost her self confidence, she goes to drama which I wouldn't have thought of but a friend suggested. It has been really brilliant, a new circle of friends and what they do there really has given her a boost, she now loves things like school assembly.

Has she ever taken fish oils ? I've found this seems to help with my DD's concentration and she is a little less dreamy when she takes it.

That is appaulling that children can treat each other in that way. I agree there has been lots of great advice here already.

I can sympathise with your DD actually. I was always the fat kid at school, up until I left after my GCSEs and I was taunted throughout. It was a horrific experience with one charming group of girls writing me a death threat letter and posting it to my house. I would sit on the bus on the way home and the bigger kids would pull strands of my hair out, starting one by one and then leading to great handfuls. Someone wrote 'fat c*nt' all over the back of my brand new black coat in tip-ex.

Whenever I'm nosing around on facebook, I see the names of people I went to school with and I start to feel all nervous and jittery, remembering all these things that happened to me at school and it makes me feel ashamed that I can't seem to get over it. School was a horrific time for me. I was assaulted when I was 16 (can't bear to type the word but it starts with r) and the kids, including my so-called friends went around telling anyone who would listen that I was making it up. Why on earth would anyone want to do that to me, when I was so fat and ugly?

The point is that now, although I still look back on my school days with queasiness, I know that although I am still fat I'm doing really well with my life. I have my own home, a lovely DH a gorgeous DD and I'm at uni, following my dream to work with children.

To me that is 2 fingers up to the rest of 'em and it makes me feel slightly smug to be honest. I'm sure that with your support, your DD will soon come to realise that she is better than them and she too will have that smug feeling when she is doing all the things she wants to with her life, whilst all those nasty kids are dossers, with no friends.

LL that is truly awful.

upset do come back soon and let us know how it's going.

How are you feeling now, Upset?

sorry...hijack...Hi Lazylou

That's awful!!!! How horrible for your DD! I was picked on at school a fair bit...it was much better when I left and found my own way....hopefully as she gets older the bitchyness will go

Upset70 - it would be really good if you could come back and make some response to the support you've had on here.

Or am I the only one starting to think ....?

was my initial

Desi - she may have a life away from mumsnet ? It hasn't even been 24 hours since OP.

You're right, Chonky. And I'd be mortified if I was wrong.

Well, I'm new here and I feel supported by what you have written for upset70.

That could have been me posting, but my DD is only 7. She has always been big (tall as average 9 yr old and size 2feet), solid, forgetful, clumsy, daydreamer ... despite fish oils, gym for learning, having her own pony (which she thought would make girls want to be her frinds - also her balance is so poor she's scared stiff of anything other than walking)ballet and a supportive family who don't mock her size/clumsyness.

The school have been useless with the bullying and say no dyspraxia - despite still reversing numbers and some letters and having a reading age 4 yrs above her spelling abitiy.

She recently was crying and said, "mummy, maybe I'm just the sort of girl who never has any friends" God makes me cry just thinking about it. She is a quite polite girl who regulary is excluded from playing by her friends 'as she wouldn't understand the game' or can't run as fast etc, says she doesn't mind not having anyone to play with but it breaks my heart.

I have secured her a place in a diff school, but it has a lower educational standar and my DH (who is not the one who has to prop up her self esteem and dry her tears) wants her to stay where she is.

To Upset70 and Alycat: your DDs sound like lovely girls. Don't have anything constructive to add to some of the good advice already given, just wanted to add some support.

Alycat, the school sound like utter s**t. What about going to your GP and asking for a referral to a paed ? Make a list of all the things you have noticed and how it impacts on her life at home, at school and socially. I think in some places you really have to push to get help. If you don't get anywhere on your own, do a google for IPSEA, they might be able to help.

upset70, how's your daughter? Does any of the advice/support you've had here help at all?

Oh, I've just seen your other thread - I'm so sorry

To those of you looking for a riding school/livery where your dcs may be able to help out in return for rides - a good site to start with is www.newrider.com, it is a friendly place, has loads of young people (mainly girls, it has to be said) who are in this situ and would hopefully be able to recommend somewhere close to you.

Desiderata, you said you would be mortified if you were wrong

until you have 100% proof then, would it not be better to give the benefit of the doubt, or at least keep your own counsel even if you privately believe it may not be true?

Sorry, another hijuack... hi Luda! I've been lost without you all but I will be back at the weekend...honest!