Daughter is a laughing stock

[upset70]

I feel like my DD is a laughing stock, it goes back to when she was very first born, she has always been chubby and when she started walking/crawling she was clumsy (as all babies are) and the family used to joke that she was like a bulldozer and would say things like "hide all the ornaments if emily is coming around..". I thought maybe I was just being paranoid but it seems to have followed her around as shes grown up.

When she started nursery the other kids used to ask their mums why she "had a fat belly" and why she "looked like that" and their parents would always brush their comments off with an embarrassed smile. When she started reception the other kids would roll their eyes whenever they saw her coming, they would call her dopey and say things like "stay away from me today I dont want my pictures ruined" etc. She has always been quite forgetful and the one time one of the girls in her class had a party and told my daughter that she couldnt go as she'd forget the date and then the other girls started laughing at her saying she'd forget were she was going half way there etc.

She's now 11 and this attitude towards her has continued all through her life, the teachers say things to me like "she's a dreamer" and "she's in her own little world" but the other kids are more nasty saying she's "gormless" and docile. We were in town a few weeks ago and she saw one of the boys from her class and as he walked past her she did that "duh" face (where they stick their tongue in their bottom lip) and shouted "duh" really loud in her face, all his mates burst out laughing and he said "its ok, she'll forget about it by monday"

When she started her secondry school last september the 2nd day there they had a pe lesson where my DD ended up falling over in front of the entire year group, this totally wrecked any hope she had for making friends at this school and they all keep going on about it to her "show us how you fell over" every 5 minutes etc

Today was the straw that broke the camels back really, she had been invited to a party by one of the kinder girls in her class, turns out she only invited her because her mum felt sorry for my DD anyway somewhere over the past few weeks my DD had heard it was a fancy dress so we went all over yesterday to get her a costume, we got her an "elizibeth swan" costume and she went in it all proud today only to realise when she got there that it wasnt fancy dress at all, one of the bitchy little brats had told her it was for a laugh. She was the only one dressed up, the "kind girl" just looked confused and looked at her mum as if to say "what do I say?", my DD was obviously mortified, the rest of the girls were in hysterics and even the parents were giggling among themselves.

I just feel so sorry for her, is life always going to be like this for her? she tries to laugh along with them but she's hurting.

I am so sorry to hear about your poor dd.

I had a tough time when I was at school for various reasons it only really resolved itself and I felt less weird when I went to uni/afterwards so it can get better for you dd. kerrymum is dead right that everythign comes to those who wait

But is there anyway she can get out and meet new kids without the asscoiated hassle she seems to have at school? maybe its a bit drastic to move school but is there any youth clubs she could join? or maybe take up some new kind of activity?

Oh I am so sorry - I couldn't not post and give you and your DD my sympathy - it must be heartbreaking for you to watch.

I don't know what to suggest but lots of children take time to truly "learn" social skills and find their feet at school. My sister and I were both fish out of water at our primary schools and didn't really settle and find popularity until GCSE or thereabouts.

First, can you have a very discreet word with her teachers and ask them their opinion of the situation, see if there is anyway they can encourage her to form bonds eg by putting her with "nice" girls in class projects, and making sure that bullying behaviour is quickly stamped on?

Second, could you invite some of the "kinder" girls over for a play date or two? If your DD found an ally or two it might make all the difference to her confidence. Plus some children are better one-on-one and struggle to shine at school but are amazing company with a single friend or two.

In the meantime I think you just have to reassure your DD of your total love and support, and make home as much of a loving refuge as possible - it sounds like you are a great mum and that is the most important thing.

I think some anti-bullying sites and organisations may be able to help, too, to put her in touch with other groups of teens who would be much better company than the f*&wits are her school.

Martial arts!

Saved a friend of mine's life! She was being bullied to the point where she tried suicide.

When she was 11.

Now, she's a judo sensai who has competed all over the world.

I think fencing is meant to be excellent for co-ordination and balance

People can be so awful. Your OP is v upsetting. I was picked on at school and had an terrible time, I just want to give your dd a big hug. I live in dread of ds undergoing a similar experience.

I don't have any advice as I don't have older children (ds is still only 2) but I know others will and I just wanted to wish you both well.

i think i might agree with misdee. would your dd like to make a fresh start? i think taht if i were her, i might like one.

is there anything that she could do/ you could do to make it easy for her to 'blend in' with her peers. (i'm not suggesting she should blindly follow the herd, but 'being different' can sometimes make people a target for bullies.)

so srry youre all having a rough time xx

I had a smaller dose of this sort of treatment when I was a similar age.(between ages 11 and 14 (I was probably borderline SOMETHING - whether dyspraxia or Aspergers I do not know) With me it was more a core group of nasty insecure girls calling me stupid/idiot, and many others in the class were genuinely unaware of what was going on. Do you think there is any chance that it is more a small but loud group of children responsible for the bullying, rather than it being a generally accepted thing?

What helped me most at that time was my friends outside of school. As the kids got older, people were just so much more civilised. And I had a fab time at Uni, made some wonderful friends.

I have seen a child with mild dyspraxia make great strides both socially and physically in an out of school sports club

does you dd have any interests that she could pursue out of school with a different group of children?

I agree with fizzbuzz about getting the family on side. she HAS to have somewhere she feels safe to be her.

I was badly bullied at school and really feel for your DD - I know how this feels. It is so true that there is an end to it and that she will bloom - I remember going to university and being absolutely amazed that men fancied me and playing it for all it was worth! Also as an adult I have lovely friends and also the big advantage that I don't need people to like me and know I can cope well on my own. Also I think your support is crucial at this time. You can't make people treat her well but you can bolster her, tell her she is beautiful and wonderful and always will be, she will show them all, these people are wrong about her, and you love her and know she is the best. It may not be able to make her happy overnight but in the long run it's that self-esteem that will see her through.

aitch and expat had much more sensible ideas, of course. god, my post sounded crap . sorry.

ooo yes and third/fourth suggestions of other activities to give her a social setting outside school. If she is not confident with physical stuff then maybe something social like Guides that fosters close relationships and teamwork?

a dx might help with her confidence for starters, as it may explain some of her behaviour that she feels like she should be able to control but can't. seriously, you give her a kiss and a cuddle from all your friends on mumsnet, so many of us know what it's like to be bullied and we all feel for her terribly.

Your poor dd, I do wonder if my dd will end up in this situation also.. she sounds very similar but is only 4 and for now (at least) it doesn't seem to be a problem.

I was asked once if she had dyspraxia.

I don't have anything constructive to add at the moment.. I think misdees idea could be very constructive but I know it's drastic.

very for your dd

And if she's too shy or awkward about physical activities at first, try something like a hip hop dance class, Indian dance even break dancing.

As a start.

But shop around! The world is FULL of activities!

The other thing that helped me was getting involved in volunteering - I chose Amnesty International and Save the Children for a start.

Soon learned the world is a VERY big place with a lot of very lovely people in it, and that who needs to waste time with gits like that?

Oh that has made me cry. Poor poor little thing

Some kids are evil in groups. Tread carefully with speaking to the school - you should be able to but please be aware that it could make things worse for her if teachers get involved. I speak from experience. Was bullied for being a 'geek' and a 'lesbian' (neither of which I am) and ended up having mym mum and dad pay for me to go private where I blossomed. However I realise I was very fortunate that they could afford to do this.

Definately explain the situation to your family and ask them to stop making comments.

An extra-curricular activity is a great idea, especially if it is something where she has chance to make a fresh start (i.e. she doesn't know anyone so has the opportunity to make friends on her own merits).

Sorry, no more advice other than eventually she will have the last laugh xx

Oh

I immediately thought dyspraxia too. I also agree with something like drama club and the possibility of moving schools for a fresh start.

Oh, your poor dd, must be heartbreaking. I think I would agree with all the other posters, some kind of activity to boost her confidence would be good. Can't understand why the school haven't acted, someone must have noticed! Bit at the ignorant parents and [shocked] tbh, you'd think they would know better.

My DD does have dyspraxia, so, like many of you here and you, too, upset, I know what we're up against.

For now, I just want your daughter to know she is NOT alone.

No way!

And that's she's a wonderful, special and beautiful person with a lot to give!

And that it's so worth finding that out!

truthfully, though, i'd say she'd need help with confidence prior to moving schools. kids feel weakness and pounce on it, unfortunately. agree with fizzbuzz who said that you need to deal with your family too. if you contact the anti-bullying organisations might they help you with some strategies for helping your daughter to 're-label' herself in her own mind?

Exactly, Aitch, the family thing needs to be dealt with, too.

Are you there upset70?

Do you have any other children?

What are your daughter's interests, upset?

Wilkie, if the school has a good anti-bullying policy, they should be able to handle it sensitively enough to prevent it making it worse. My ds was bullied at one time and the school was wonderful, I think they handle bullying by tackling the bully by making them understand social responsibilty (can't remember exactly how it worked, nobody picks on ds anymore, he's taller than most of them now). It certainly worked for ds but, does depend on the school, I know of a child that attended the school across town from us and when they had problems, they were told in no uncertain terms that there was no bullying in their school!!