Daughter is a laughing stock

[upset70]

I feel like my DD is a laughing stock, it goes back to when she was very first born, she has always been chubby and when she started walking/crawling she was clumsy (as all babies are) and the family used to joke that she was like a bulldozer and would say things like "hide all the ornaments if emily is coming around..". I thought maybe I was just being paranoid but it seems to have followed her around as shes grown up.

When she started nursery the other kids used to ask their mums why she "had a fat belly" and why she "looked like that" and their parents would always brush their comments off with an embarrassed smile. When she started reception the other kids would roll their eyes whenever they saw her coming, they would call her dopey and say things like "stay away from me today I dont want my pictures ruined" etc. She has always been quite forgetful and the one time one of the girls in her class had a party and told my daughter that she couldnt go as she'd forget the date and then the other girls started laughing at her saying she'd forget were she was going half way there etc.

She's now 11 and this attitude towards her has continued all through her life, the teachers say things to me like "she's a dreamer" and "she's in her own little world" but the other kids are more nasty saying she's "gormless" and docile. We were in town a few weeks ago and she saw one of the boys from her class and as he walked past her she did that "duh" face (where they stick their tongue in their bottom lip) and shouted "duh" really loud in her face, all his mates burst out laughing and he said "its ok, she'll forget about it by monday"

When she started her secondry school last september the 2nd day there they had a pe lesson where my DD ended up falling over in front of the entire year group, this totally wrecked any hope she had for making friends at this school and they all keep going on about it to her "show us how you fell over" every 5 minutes etc

Today was the straw that broke the camels back really, she had been invited to a party by one of the kinder girls in her class, turns out she only invited her because her mum felt sorry for my DD anyway somewhere over the past few weeks my DD had heard it was a fancy dress so we went all over yesterday to get her a costume, we got her an "elizibeth swan" costume and she went in it all proud today only to realise when she got there that it wasnt fancy dress at all, one of the bitchy little brats had told her it was for a laugh. She was the only one dressed up, the "kind girl" just looked confused and looked at her mum as if to say "what do I say?", my DD was obviously mortified, the rest of the girls were in hysterics and even the parents were giggling among themselves.

I just feel so sorry for her, is life always going to be like this for her? she tries to laugh along with them but she's hurting.

Thats made me cry, your poor DD

I think you should think about moving schools!

ive no advice but just wanted to say how awful it must be.i was bullied at school and it was horrible,i really feel for your dd.and you.
can she change schools?

Ranting - things must have moved on from when I was at school. The school were appalling and the bullying got worse cos I was a 'grass'

Yeah, our school was the same!! Some schools seem to handle these things better than others tho'. It does depend on the school, unfortunately.

i personally think riding is a blooming brilliant idea if you can afford it.

this is making me so so sad, as dd2 has already had similar stuff said. i dont want this for her

upset70, i hope you are still there.

when i learnt to ride it was possible to do lots of mucking out type stuff and other bits in exchange for vastly reduced riding lessons

now this might have been because it was also a charity which taught us inner city disadvantaged something of the country life etc etc but-bloody cheap lessons and something to bond with other people over.

didn't stick it long, i must admit

Try to help her make friends both inside and outside of school

Make sure she can spend time doing things she loves/ is good at

Get her assessed for dyspraxia

Get into close and cooperative dialogue with the school

Get her some fab clothes and a fab haircut

Tell her the stories of the mumsnetters who were much happier after they left school and had lots of success later on

Big dalek hugs to you both

xxx

just read the op your poor dd

And if you can't afford it, then ask if they need volunteers to help at the stables in exchange for riding lessons.

You get to learn how to care for the horse AND ride it!

Animals love unconditionally.

They're much better than many people.

I know this doesn't help much, but what you must realise here is that your dd is not the one with the mega problem, it's the ones who seem to think of themselves as clever when they go out of their way to hurt her. How sad they must be. Yes they might be quite willing to act when they have an audience, but surely that shows how cowardly they really are.
I know this isn't much consolation to you, but if you think about it, no doubt you will realise that what i'm saying is 100% true. If these kids, and even worse, their parents, cannot fill their lives with anything that does someone any good, rather than to do harm as they choose to do, then you can probably guess how disattisfied they are with their own lives. They are desperately unhappy!!
Can't you de-register your dd from the school, it may be a good idea to try another school, if there is one near enough for you to travel to, or maybe if you are at home and do not need to go out to work, how about teaching her yourself at home instead. Trust me this situation is going to ruin your dd's self esteem, and will affect her for the rest of her life. No matter what it takes, you will have to make sure she is not going to be anywhere near these horrible people.
And at all costs find whatever you possibly can that will boost her self confidence, as no doubt it has been shattered by the constant criticism she has endured. How aobout some books on the subject, or talk to your gp about referal to professional help, or speak to a hypnotherapist, psychotherapist etc, to find out if they would be able to help.
PLEASE remove her from the situation immediately.
I'm not even going to suggest you talk to the school, as that would be no use at all, the bullies seem to get the upper hand on those who are meant to be in authority as well.
Whatever you decide to do, best of luck to you both, it must be worse for you than dd even. Take comfort in the fact that you are so much better than those who judge you. Take care, I shall keep my fingers crossed for you, xxxxxxxx

I was laughed at a lot at school, I would now say to the point of bullying, and it hurt a lot. Years later a girl from my school saw my mum working in a shop and asked after me. When she heard I was well and what I was doing she apologised that they'd been so mean to me at school and commented that I was now in a much better job than her. My Mum was very nice and told her that wasn't important and thanked her for the apology.

I know this probably isn't much help at the moment, but hope that it offers some hope that people can survive cruel treatment and that the others don't necessarily end up the "winners" (for want of a better word).

Thanks, jajas! Hope we find the some people like you in the area where we're moving.

DD1 is mad for horses. Well, all animals.

And she's one of those people who seems to have a natural affinity with them, whereas I am scared silly of most large ones.

We were visiting where we'll move last weekend when two older children came down the road on their mounts. We pulled into a lay by and turned car off and DD1 was all agog! She made us roll down the window. The horses came right up to the window and she put our her hand for them to sniff and stroked them!

EEewww. They're kind of drooly .

Upset, where are you?

Yes, where are you?

What a sad situation. Your poor DD. Lots of good advice on this thread. It must be very hard for you to see this happening.

upset - I don't really talk about my experiences much as I still feel very hurt and upset about some of the bullying I had in the past. Your daughter sounds a bit like me - I was always clumsy, a bit 'out of it' - I'd do stupid things like just fall over and walk out in front of cars having not noticed them when I looked. I had braces too which didn't help and my teachers described me as a dreamer.

I won't lie to you, High school was awful and I was never happier than the day I left. But the thing my parents did for me that made my teenage years more than bearable - great fun in fact, was sending me to scouts. It's an environment in which children learn to work together - not competing all the time like they do in school. The activities are inately fun so you can't really avoid it and when people are happy and having fun they tend to get on with one another. I think the other huge difference to school is that there are mixed ages there, the older ones look out for the young ones IYSWIM.

My poor balance turned out to be a foot/leg problem - fixed by a few visits to a podiatrist and an osteopath when I was about 18. My 'dreaming' is partly still here but my memory and more dangerous moments (the cars) got better when I was diagnosed with migraine and stared on a preventer medication. It turned out that I'd had childhood migraine without the pain but then when I got older and the headaches came I got the right treatment.

What I'm not saying is that this is your daughter's problem - I'm using myself as an example to illustrate the complexity of diagnosing a situation like this.

As an OT, for any child with co-ordination problems, I would recommend doing some physical activities that work on balance. Things you could do together might be good for her - pilates, tai chi, yoga. Beyond this you could get her lessons in almost anything, but make sure it's something you can be bad at and still have fun (eg, not tennis, archery). Activities that spring to mind include kayaking, rock climbing...

My heart goes out to your daughter, she'll find high school hard - but for yourself, take heart from the stories of myself and others on this thread of girls who were bullied who grew up to become strong independent happy women.

oh upset - i really hope you and dd are given hope, comfort and strength by the fab advice on this thread... i just wanna give her a great big hug and say something magical that makes her love herself the way she should. am and on your/her behalf.

Another one here who was teased and bullied for years. Not dyspraxic but very academic and 'oversensitive'. The schools I went to had similarly bitchy environments to that you describe (I'd actually hoped things had changed and there was a more enlightened and helpful attitude in schools etc.) , and I really suffered. It ranged from exclusion/whispering to having chewing gum stuck in my hair. School felt like a prison sentence and I couldn't wait to get out. I was pretty awkward for my first couple of years at university, but still - amazingly - found friends. I have several very, very good friends now and lots of acquaintances who like me - am perfectly at ease in social situations. Oh, and I'm reasonably successful too.

Your poor, poor dd. I agree absolutely with the poster who said to make home a loving refuge. My parents unfortunately often seemed to share everyone else's impression that I was the one with the problem. She needs to feel your unconditional love and absolute backing. And talk to the school - make the seriousness of the situation clear. A school worth its salt should have strategies for this situation - that do not involve shoving it all onto the non-fitting-in-ness, oversensitivity or whatever of the victim.

How absolutely awful that some of the parents were sniggering as well. Your poor dd. And poor you having to witness that.

What does your dd say about it later? I was interested to hear her feelings about it / the girls who were laughing. Are there other girls in the class who are not part of the main group that you can furnish some friendships with?

I feel so sorry for her. Having been a skinny wretch with eczema as a child (they called me the Cambodian!) I remember what this feels like. And even when you do grow out of the so-called 'ugly' stage it can be hard to gain confidence after so many knocks early on.

Is there something she has a passion for? With me it was art and I found my 'niche' there so that by secondary school I was mostly left alone.

upset I really feel for you, I hope things work out for her.

Big Hug xx