Advice on how to actually enjoy life with a new baby?

[SK166]

This might sound ridiculous but I’m currently 38 weeks with first baby and the only messaging I’m hearing, from all directions, is about how hard and exhausting and awful and emotional and relentless and generally terrible it is having a new baby. It’s genuinely my biggest worry right now - more than the birth - that I’m just going to hate it, because from the way everyone talks it’s just going to be relentlessly awful.

Has anyone got anything positive to say?! I’m all for being prepared for the realities and I know it’s going to be no walk in the park, but there must be some up sides, surely?

I’m lucky to have a very devoted and loving husband who is so excited to meet his baby girl. He’s a grafter and I know he’ll pitch in with all the dirty work to take care of us, but realistically he’s also going to be gone a lot, possibly right from the very beginning, because he’s self-employed, running 2 businesses and we’re in a tough financial situation at the moment so with me just on MAT pay, he’s going to need to work a lot.

Tell me it’s going to be ok and I’ll actually enjoy some of it and still find joy and things to do that don’t cost money?!

I have just 3 weeks left of my maternity leave and I am gutted. I have absolutely loved the baby stage. It took me a while to adjust. Maybe about 3 months. But that's only because I am a very social person in a demanding job so my friends were constantly working and I felt left out. But once my dd was old enough to go to the baby classes, we found our routine. It is hard and tiring but oh, the cuddles 😍

I've NC because I find this so difficult to talk about.

SK166

"I’m hearing, from all directions, is about how hard and exhausting and awful and emotional and relentless and generally terrible it is having a new baby."

Be grateful you are surrounded by people who are honest, because they're right.

As I was writing addresses for thank you cards for gifts we received for our daughter I was reminded of a message included with one gift. "Being a parent is the best!"

IT'S NOT! Being a parent is miserable, exhausting, soul crushing, non-stop work. We wish someone could have explained in a way we could understand just how awful it is before I got pregnant, but you just have to experience it for yourself I guess.

Maybe you'll be lucky and your baby won't be incapable of breastfeeding properly, not colicky, not have reflux, not be lactose intolerant, not hate being put down for any length of time. Maybe the experience won't leave you feeling hollowed out in a pit of seemingly hopeless depression either. Maybe it won't also feel like it's quickly destroying your marriage.

Honestly, some days, if it wasn't for the fact I was physically, emotionally, and verbally abused by my Mother as a child, sexually abused by my Father, and raped as an adult, then I'd list becoming a parent as the worst thing that's ever happened to me.

It's worth noting the following possibly relevant things. She is 2 months old. My husband helps out with night feedings and when I can't deal with her anymore. We very much wanted a child, had trouble conceiving for years, neither my pregnancy nor labour were that difficult, and I recovered physically quickly. I've had bipolar disorder since I was 13, having a baby has completely fucked my mental health and the additional meds and psychiatrist, and nurses haven't been able to fix it. Having no history of mental health issues doesn't mean that you may not get fucked by post natal depression though.

Our baby is beautiful, sweet, and somewhere deep down inside I think I love her, but if I could turn back time I would have gotten fitted for a coil before I got pregnant instead of as soon as I could after.

You’ll be grand.

The tiredness is the bad part. It just sucks. Make sure you get help and little respite during the months.

But babies are pretty easy to care for once you get into the swing of things. Their needs are constant but also very simple. They’re very portable and amenable, so it’s possible to have a pretty great quality of life in the pre-toddler months.

It's hard work, and you'll be exhausted but it's absolutely worth it!! After years of infertility I felt so lucky when I finally got to hold my baby. Don't get me wrong, I had a few wobbles but it does get easier as time goes on until the terrible twos set in.

Adrenaline got me through the first few weeks, and when my daughter started sleeping for 4 hour chunks I felt like a new woman!

My advice is to take help when offered, to get out there and meet other mums when you are recovered, and to remember that crying won't kill them (as horrible as it is when you can't seem to do anything to comfort them).

Good luck :)

Wow justthis1time it sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot, both before and since having your baby. I'm so sorry. All of those things will absolutely have coloured your experience though.

OP I have an 8 week old. Breastfeeding was agony for the first 2-3 weeks but so glad I persevered as it's brilliant now. Other than that, the hardest thing for me is accepting that I can't really do much atm other than feed my baby. He feeds a lot and doesn't like being put down. Now that I've stopped trying to do so much 1 handed I'm really enjoying it! The night waking has been fine. He refused his cot so we're co sleeping and all getting lots of sleep.

Agree with everyone else that it's great to get out when you can and new mum friends will be lifesavers.

No1 was pretty enjoyable, I was able to just focus on her and enjoy my time with her. After the first few weeks she would have a morning feed then go back to sleep so I didn’t really have problems getting showered etc.

No2 was a very high needs baby who never slept and cried all the time so that was hard. Plus I had an 18 month old to look after as well.

No3 I found the sleep deprivation hard because I still had to get up and get the other two to school. Sleep when the baby sleeps doesn’t really work when they sleep on the school run and you’re driving! Plus i put a lot of pressure on myself to keep the house as I had before so would get frustrated when I’d put her down and she’d immediately start crying. Also having 2 others meant there was a certain amount of stuff that couldn’t just be left (packed lunches, laundry, proper dinners etc). It was definitely frustration at not being able to get stuff done without a crying baby that got me with her.

Some babies don’t want to be held all the time though and I imagine it’s easier with one of those!

As for things to do, lots of walks, rhymetime/storytime at the library, toddler groups (ones in churches are usually pretty cheap otherwise children’s centres).

But don’t put too much pressure on yourself in the early weeks, it’s ok to just stay home and focus on the baby (telling myself as much as you here!)

I loved it - especially with my first. The first month or so getting to know you're new child when no one can demand or expect anything of you can be awesome.

My main advice is have super low expectations for yourself and fuck trying to be perfect. The perfect mum & the perfect baby don't exist so don't waste time trying to be it.

• Only try things that you want to try (breast feeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, whatever) and if it doesn't work out, it means that it wasn't suited to you & your LO not that you've failed at it.
• Never ever ever sit down with the baby without first making sure the tv handset is close by. Babies seem to know to fall asleep on you when things to alleviate boredom are just out of reach. Meaning what could've been a lush hour catching up on a box set is spent weighing up the pros and cons of moving the baby to reach the remote.
• see baby groups as something that's there to stop you being bored if you fancy going (not something that's vital to your child's development). On mat leave, I found one activity that I could go to for each day of the week but if I didn't feel like going, I just didn't bother. I can confirm there is no difference at all between my kids that went to baby sign & the ones that didn't.
• I have no scientific evidence for this, but I think sometimes babies just get sick of the sight of your face. So many times I'd be at the end of my tether having a shit day with a whingy baby until I stuck them in the pram to go to the shops & suddenly they'd be all smiles. A good walk solves lots of problems & if you're lucky they'll fall asleep in the pram so you can have a nap when you get back.

Just take it easy, have low expectations and don't put any pressure on yourself and if you are finding it hard, tell someone. And remember everyone's way of coping is different. I made sure when lo was asleep I did something for myself (watched tv or slept) because I reasoned that I wasn't on mat leave to be a housekeeper and dh clocked off work at 5 whereas I was up with the baby through the night therefore I was entitled to some me time during the day. This approach wouldn't have worked for my friend though as her mental health suffers when her environment is chaotic- for her, when the baby napped, she whipped around the house and gave it a tidy. This helped her feel relaxed and in control.

I walked for miles every day with my DC; met up with other local mums for lunch at cafes and city farms; did baby yoga and baby music, singalongs in the library. Also, DC were both summer born, as your DC will be, so just get some drinks and snacks around you, and watch the athletics or Glasto for hours on end. Or binge watch anything you fancy. They just need cuddles and feeds, so it's a good excuse.

I found it very hard work when no2 came along but there's something very special when your first comes along and when they are tiny you absolutely can just lie on the sofa and snuggle and watch box sets for hours on end. Don't put pressure on yourself, and although the nights can be tough I'd be surprised if you hated it.

Definitely batch cook as much as you can now. My husband couldn't help with baby that much when I was breastfeeding but definitely got a bit of satisfaction from fixing me (I.e heating up!) a tasty tea every evening with minimal effort.

Nothing will ever be as good as newborn head smell. NOTHING. It is literally the best thing in the entire world and you will spend hours just sniffing your baby's head in a state of sheer bliss. that's why, despite all the bad stuff people have told you about, most people cannot get enough of their baby.

and it won't last and savour it!

9 months in here, I wished I'd had more honest (but constructive) advice about how you would feel etc but in reality I think you just have to experience it as nothing else compares! We had a very difficult baby and it was hard but we've made it to nine months in one piece. My sister had a baby 4months before me who was a dream, sleeping 12hrs etc but there were some common threads between our experiences including feeling overwhelmed, lonely, frustrated, clueless, 'what have I done' the list goes on BUT those first smiles, when they realise they have hands, feet, arms etc, start to roll, feed less than every two hours they are like mini moments of joy and pride. There is a brilliant podcast that is really informative on 'the parent hood' by ben fogles wife that I wished id listened to before birth (which by the way isnt scary or anything, I personally found this bit as ok as you can expect).

Good luck, utilise all the support you have got, get out for walks, you will be absolutely fine and find your own way in time xx

It was my favourite stage both times.
Hours and hours of cuddles, while breastfeeding. I never went to any groups and I don't care who thinks you have to.

No no no no no and more nos.

Absolutely don't listen to the alarmis, Cassandra BS.

I know every baby is different and I sincerely empathize with mother of colicky babies/bad sleeper/bad eaters/premature/etc... but that's not every baby, probably not a majority.

Our baby slept decently pretty much straight away (5 hour chunks). At 2 months she had her first 10-hour uninterrupted stint. If she does wake up it takes 10 minutes feeding her, no biggy. So the "you'll never sleep again" crap may be the truth of "some people" but not some general fact of life to be thrown to every expectant mother's face.

We also do housework and have free time reading / watching movies / hanging out with friends (duh!).

Before anybody says this is just one child and we're lucky... - sure but that's the case of every comment here.

Don't hesitate to DM me for more.
Don't sweat this, it will be wonderful!!

Oh and the unbelievable cuteness of them when they learn to smile and chuckle and find their fingers and recognise you, and when they start babbling as though they are saying something deeply important, and when they throw their arms around and look like a serious Tory backbencher. They are so cute and snuggly. And I say this as someone whose baby was colicky and had serious illnesses and slept for no more than 40 mins without crying for the next forty, so we didn't have unbroken sleep for years and years. But they were still cute and we laughed loads. And if it is hard - one thing is certain - it gets better and keeps on getting better.

If I have one tip, it is to sleep well whenever you can. I used to either go to bed very early or take an afternoon nap. Lots of people used to tell me I coped really well with pregnancy and babies, and that is the simple reason for it.

I found looking after a baby much easier than being pregnant!! 😊

Personally I found the actual childcare aspect of the newborn stage straightforward. It’s the juggling that is hard (or in my case lack of!). My baby wanted to feed and be held all the time so it was a struggle to do anything else. My partner wasn’t supportive which made things 100 times harder. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t give my baby a bottle so I’d have more time to do housework and gave me a hard time. I ignored him thankfully. I’d say the more support you have the better the time you will have. But it is a wonderful time just being with and holding your baby and cuddling them :).

I found newborn stage the easiest but I bottle fed.
Relax don't put yourself under pressure. You still count too. You're allowed to take shortcuts and accept help and ask for a break.

I found newborn stage the easiest but I bottle fed

I found the newborn stage the easiest and I breastfed.

I'm so glad I didn't have to get up in the night and make (or even find) bottles!

Bottle is easy is a myth.

Both BFing and bottle feeding can be easy or hard. It depends on so many different factors.

These are wonderful to read, thank you everyone. I’m a new mother to a two-week-old and enjoying it so much. I agree that all I heard was scare stories beforehand. Nothing prepared me for the huge overflowing love and enjoyment.

@JustThis1Time I'm so sorry for what you're going through. If it helps at all I felt the same when my DD was 2 months - she's now 4 months and I'm loving every minute. Can't believe how much has changed in such a short time.

OP, honestly I wish more people had been honest with me about the realities. I expected it to be hard but also a time of love, of being besotted and bowled over by my baby girl every day. All the warm fuzzies everyone has mentioned on this thread. I'm sure it is that way for most. But it wasn't for me. I hated every minute of the first few months. I felt no love for my baby, only regret and resentment. I cried all day. It was a relentless, unrewarding slog.

But it got better. And it was worth it. I couldn't believe at the time that I'd ever think that. But I do. I'm so in love with my daughter, I stare at her for hours, I get excited to see her in the morning - the whole thing. Sometimes I feel robbed of that blissful newborn experience (especially reading threads like this!) but ultimately my experience was what it was and it led me here, so it was worth every second.

I sincerely hope you have a lovely experience. But if you don't, just trust that it WILL be worth it. You WILL get there. And don't be afraid to ask for help. It sounds like you have good, honest friends around you.

sleeping dragons: a full uninterrupted 8 hours every other night, or a minimum 6 hour uninterrupted block of sleep every night (we varied between alternating the nights and splitting them, over the months).

And when I was 'on duty' the milk was in a refrigerated bag next to the bed, the microwave to heat it was still in the room, which took a 20 second block. No making up bottles, no traipsing round in the dark. Less effort than going for a pee.

Feeling awake and having energy helped me enjoy early motherhood more than if I'd been shattered. For everyone it is different, but bottle feeding gave me that opportunity.

And there was no nipple pain, cluster feeding or worrying about whether baby was putting in sufficient weight, to worry about.

In the early days, bottles are far less relentless, and having the opperifor a break really helps. But if you have a partner who wouldn't join in with night feeds, then I agree that long term boob is probably easier. But it's not easier in the first few weeks.

Sleeplikeasloth every woman should be able to choose how she feeds her baby.

But breastfeeding is in the best interests of both mother and baby, if possible.

Spreading the myth that bottle feeding is easier, full stop, is not something you should do lightly and without qualification as to what you mean.

Very young babies sleeping for 8 hours at a time is not necessarily something to be pleased about. I know our culture is obsessed with "sleeping through" but many experts are concerned that babies sleeping because they are full up with formula could be a SIDS risk.

From the Infant Sleep Information Source:

"One concern... is that when parents introduce formula to their infants' diets in order to encourage 'settling' or 'sleeping through', this ... may ... increase the risk of SIDS in arousal-deficient infants."

www.isisonline.org.uk/hcp/how_babies_sleep/normal_sleep_development/sleep_and_feeding/