Advice on how to actually enjoy life with a new baby?

[SK166]

This might sound ridiculous but I’m currently 38 weeks with first baby and the only messaging I’m hearing, from all directions, is about how hard and exhausting and awful and emotional and relentless and generally terrible it is having a new baby. It’s genuinely my biggest worry right now - more than the birth - that I’m just going to hate it, because from the way everyone talks it’s just going to be relentlessly awful.

Has anyone got anything positive to say?! I’m all for being prepared for the realities and I know it’s going to be no walk in the park, but there must be some up sides, surely?

I’m lucky to have a very devoted and loving husband who is so excited to meet his baby girl. He’s a grafter and I know he’ll pitch in with all the dirty work to take care of us, but realistically he’s also going to be gone a lot, possibly right from the very beginning, because he’s self-employed, running 2 businesses and we’re in a tough financial situation at the moment so with me just on MAT pay, he’s going to need to work a lot.

Tell me it’s going to be ok and I’ll actually enjoy some of it and still find joy and things to do that don’t cost money?!

Don't expect to 'love every second'; because that's bollocks. Seriously, when else in your life do you 'love every second'? Life is a mish-mash of fab and crap, even without putting a newborn into the picture.

It really is ok to find some of those seconds irritating, difficult, or, as I found a lot during the first year, horrendously, mind-numbingly, DULL.

It was the boredom that nearly defeated me, in the first year. And that was with twins.

There's a book called Flour Babies (meant for teenagers I think), where they have teenagers care for/carry around a bag of flour. Weirdly, that's sort of what it's like. The constant carrying of something, the arm ache, the not sitting comfortably, eating one handed etc.. it's an odd change to your life. One I hadn't sort of anticipated.

My jobshare has just had another one, I texted her the other night and the response included the sentence 'currently in the middle of eating one handed while standing up and swaying/jiggling a child' - that basically summed up what 'chillax' had turned into!

Echoing what a pp said upthread - go with the flow, lower your expectations, see nobody in the first two weeks unless they bring food.
A word about sleep deprivation.
Newborns will test your limits. You'll be unprepared for getting up at 10, 12, 2, 3, 4 am. But, it is part of the preparation of being able to get up in the middle of the night and be ready for anything for the next 15 or so years. They're sick? You can handle it. Your sleep pattern changes. From the time they are born. And I'm sure it's meant to prepare you.

Newborn: deliciousness

Teen doing GCSE : not so much

Teen having finished exams: cuddly toddler returns

My newborn year with twins? Fucking awful. Horrendous. People are different. Don't try and set up someone else's expectations.

My sister's experience as a young mum with a newborn was blissfull.

Try not to worry OP! All babies are different, some are very difficult. Parenting is difficult. Some babies are easy, and some are medium. But if you read mumsnet or any parenting article, you would think you may as well just off yourself now as life will be so terrible. But there are positive stories as well.

My baby was very easy and absolutely loved sleeping, and rarely cried. Obviously he couldn't walk so couldn't get away. He just sat there looking cute. He didn't need entertainment, so I was free to watch TV, internet, etc, while holding him.

And the relief at not being pregnant any more! I was more comfortable and mobile the day after my c section than I had been for months.

I was convinced I would have a terrible time and would have PND. Luckily I didn't. Looking back, I think I had ante natel depression. I was so down during those days and could not see a way forward, or that life would ever be enjoyable again.

I was lucky, and you might be as well. There's no point worrying until they are here.

I found I got more sleep with a newborn than while pregnant as I suffered awful insomnia. So the newborn phase was a joy compared to going to work on 3 hours sleep. It depends on your pregnancy, birth and baby.

@SK166 My baby has just turned six weeks. I had a caesarean so looking after LO was quite difficult at first, but husband was great helping to look after him.

Honestly, there are days/nights when it's really hard and it's a major life change, but the good times outweigh the bad in my experience!

One major tip I would offer is to make up some "freezer meals" now - enough to cover at least a week - and buy some paper plates so neither of you has to worry about cooking and washing up. Also, find out now what support services are available locally in case you need them (eg La Leche League, baby cafés, mother and baby groups).

Good luck! It's a whirlwind, but it's amazing.

I loved having newborns. The hours spent watching them and marvelling, the deliciohs smell of a newborns head, their snuggly, cuddly warmth.

Things I wish I'd known: the monotony of feeding and that it is a full time job, how to make a bottle and it's ok if you do. I wish I'd test driven some of the equipment before the baby arrived learnt how to use the pram brakes and had known that envelope vests pull down over the shoulders.

You can put your baby down if you have to and he or she will not be harmed.

I remember being upset thst dh and I couldn't sit and eat together in the evenings.

On the wbole though there were days when I had everything done by 9.30am and wondered what I'd do. I was ruthless about putting the baby in the cot and having a shower every morning - if I hadn't done that I'd have tipped over the edge.

Also I did a high pressure job - in at 7.30, home at 8.30pm so the hard work of a baby wasn't so tough.

Good luck - we survived - he gave me a hug this morning and said love you mum. He's 23

Accept now, that you may need some help at first. An extra pair of hands goes a long way.

If you're DH isn't going to be around much, ask a friend or family member (or a few, in turns) to be there in those early days, to help you, by being there and being another pair of hands because your DH won't be there (so it's clear you're asking for help, not just a visit).

Also, work out now where the BFing support is, if you plan to try BFing. BFing fails because mothers don't have access to decent support (HVs are often rubbish at supporting BFing. Not always, but often).

Also due next month and I needed to read this thread.. so tired of the comments about how I'm never going to sleep again (I already know this) and how my life is going to be upside down (again, I know this). I think it's like the stories that people give you about labour and birth, they only want to tell you the worst parts.

All I want is for her to be here and safe right now. I'll deal with the next part when that's upon me!

Main thing I've taken from this is to get out of the house everyday, which I was planning to do anyway because I'm not very good at being housebound as it is (although, I'm getting much better at this now I'm on leave and my body is so achy and tired!)

Your life will be changed forever, so don’t expect things to ever be the same again. Sleep when your baby sleeps, stock up your freezer before the birth, don’t worry about meals after, we ate takeaways and lots of salads, receive help gratefully, forget about housework, seek support and advice from your HV, try and get out for some fresh air daily, as soon as you feel ok, then try and see someone for coffees, or go to a parent group, every day. I found seeing someone and getting out very important as I would have gone crazy sitting at home all day with just a newborn for company.

Try and enjoy your baby. This intense period soon passes and the lack of sleep and massive changes to your life, do pass.

The thing I found hardest was juggling the house stuff with a new baby. I stressed about dinner and getting the cleaning and other jobs done.
Don't worry about these things, they are not as important as your baby. Pick her up when she needs it. Have her in a sling if it helps get washing up done. Sit down and feed her and cuddle her. I regret not holding my baby more. I certainly don't regret not having a cleaner house.
A baby is a shock to your way of life and obviously the lack of sleep is hard but it is so worth it.
Don't fuss over visitors, if they are there then they can make their own tea (and one for you too!). If you know them well enough, get them to fold some washing or whatever else needs doing. Most parents will know and understand and help.
Also, say no to visitors if they expect to be waited on or if you don't fancy seeing them. It's your time as a new family.
(Ps, this is all stuff I didn't do and wish I had because I was a pushover)

Forgot to mention visitors! I put a note on my front door saying “new mother and baby sleeping” when necessary!

I also limited who, when and for how long. Anyone who wanted waiting on was shown into the kitchen.

I skipped the newborn stage (adopted a 13mo) and yes it is hard but it is also AMAZING. There is nothing in the world that compares to when your toddler puts their hands on your cheeks and pulls you in for a kiss. Or when they are crying and you pick them up and they just stop, because they feel safe with you. Or when they learn something new. I have become that annoying mum who is immensely proud every time DS learns anything or does something cute.

It's just fantastic.

Take one day at a time
Try and leave the house everyday
A shower will make you feel better !
Say yes to every invitation you get some people you will like some won’t be so great but they are all conversation!
My baby pretty much lived in the sling because if something works today don’t worry about tomorrow xx

Thing is, new newborns have tiny stomachs, so need to eat every 2-3 hours round the clock, at least for the first few weeks. Which means they’re going to wake up that much, which means - especially if you’re breastfeeding - so are you! And unless you’ve had some kind of extreme SAS training, it’s quite a shock to the system, physically and mentally!

But, it’s not necessarily relentlessly awful. Of course it will depend so much on the delivery, how the baby is and how you find you respond, all of which is beyond your control, but things that helped me were: having other people help out, especially DH who saved my sanity, having a freezer full of meals and Just Eat on standby, getting out and about every day, even just a walk round the block in the first couple of days, a WhatsApp group with friends/NCT buddies to chat to in the middle of the night, and lowering expectations of what I would get done in any given day to: keeping everyone alive. But above all there is something so special about snuggling up with this tiny gorgeous thing that is so brand new and you finally get to meet after months (years?) of anticipation.

I’m about to do it all again but with a rambunctious toddler in tow, god knows how that is going to work out...

Hi, I want to join in to say that I loved having my little one join us! The first 2-3 weeks where my partner was around were absolute bliss. We had batch cooked so my partner did all the 'cooking' and dishes and cleaning, and we had a few little walks in the day time. I didn't get the 'baby blues' but did find myself crying with happiness on about day 3. I am a person who used to need 9 hours sleep or I would feel hard done by, but my daughter spent the first 8 months waking every 2 hours (at least). But, somehow, this is fine for me (seriously can't work it out at all!) I think maybe breastfeeding helps (hormones???), and maybe I get more tired if I have a busy day, but generally it is much better than I thought it was going to be. I am not really great at doing all the classes, especially when they are tiny. I kind of feel they are mainly for the mum at the early stages. Our NCT group meets almost weekly, and I go for walks in the woods and do a bit of gardening. I also had a project of planning a patio in the garden which meant I had to use my brain a bit (but not too much) which was helpful
As other posters have pointed out, you don't know what is going to happen, what your baby will be like, or how you will react to things. Personally I like to keep in mind that things may not go smoothly and then I can count my blessings when it goes well. Also, occasionally I get really tired and need a day in bed - be kind to yourself!
Good luck xx

I hated the new born phase and love it more and more as DS has grown. Each new phase has been brilliant fun and hard work, just in different ways.

You don't really know how you will feel so don't worry about what others say and just focus on yourself and your baby. Everyone is different xx

@skittlesandbeer you absolutely nailed my experience of newborn life! I expected the lack of sleep, didn’t assume it would be easy. I thought I’d miss free time doing nothing, but I ended up having a fair amount of that under a baby :) . What I wasn’t prepared for was the feeling of being tethered - never being more than 2 hours away from a dependent little creature. I agree that it basically boils down to how you react to change and the type of baby you get. Op The uncertainty can be unnerving, but remind yourself the unknown is usually worse than the reality.

Oh and I know we’re being positive, but if you don’t get a big rush of love for your baby, don’t worry. Everyone is different and it may not happen like that for you, it didn’t for me. I was bonded (and prob had a touch of baby blues). But it wasn’t awful, I was just doing it my own way.

I loved the newborn stage. I wonder in hindsight if it's because I simply didn't expect to do anything else other than look after my new baby. It seems to me that unless you're unlucky enough to get a very unsettled unhappy baby which would be stressful regardless, most of the stress associated with a newborn comes from people being frustrated that they can't continue their normal lives with the baby in tow, or because of trying to make the baby fit in with some completely unrealistic expectations like feeds being spaced apart and sleep being on a predictable schedule.

I think it also helped in a way that I was unable to sleep for 2.5 days during labour - so when I got a whole 2-3 hours in one go, I felt amazing.

Oh and all those perfect, sleeping, weight gaining babies. Largely tommy rot. Their mother's slip up and tell the truth about five years later.

I think we forget the tiredness of those days.

My best advice is just to slow the f+*k down. Before kids we do everything at our place, which is usually fast. Babies don't work to our timescale and getting frustrated or cross with that is a waste of emotion.

Try to just roll with it. Sleep whenever you can. Nothing like a quick nap on the sofa whilst baby is in the Moses basket nearby.

Sod the housework. Ironing during the first three months is for crazy people. Just do the absolute basics.

Batch cooking is great. Make things you can eat with a spoon in one hand as you're likely to have a baby in the other or on a boob!

Buy a sling. Use it. It'll make your life easier. Ditto a cupholder for your pushchair for a cheeky park walking starbucks.

Always have a change of baby clothes when out. A poonami will arrive at the least convenient time.

But do everything slowly. There's no rush to do anything. It's one of life's few times where you can let it slow down and that in itself is a joy if you can accept it and roll with it.

I was astonished by the total lack of hostility towards me and my new baby after too long on here. Sometimes she cried when we were out. Sometimes I held up a bathroom queue to change her. Sometimes my pram ran over someone's foot. Sometimes the postman saw my nipple. Sometimes we ran late getting somewhere. Contrary to all my fears, no one minded especially not the postman. People are, in my experience, generally aware that early motherhood can be tough at times, and are forgiving and even willing to help if you ask.

And yes to what PP said - go out daily if physically possible, and go out to meet other new mums. DD is more interactive now at 9 months, and I suppose I'm a bit more experienced at understanding what she needs. But there was something wonderful and magical about the early weeks with her.

The thing that helped me most in the early days, was this 3-sided crib.

Bottom line, it helped me get sleep, and I can't express how valuable that is, and what a difference it makes.

With a three-sider cot, if you're BFing, when the baby wakes, the nearer you are to each other, the less awake either of you get, easier to get back to sleep. Also, many babies just want to be close to you.

When we got the cot, this cot was the only not ridiculously expensive model on the market.

But I think there's more choice now so maybe worth shopping around.