Is six children too many ?

[mozhe]

Someone,( a colleague..but I do not know them well ), just stopped me in the corridor at work...noticing I was pregnant they asked me if it was my first, when I told them ,' no, it's my 6th '...they said,' six is too many ', and strod off....Is six too many ?

I stayed at home with my first child,until he started school at 4,then went to work full time,it was hard fitting it all in.I had a lovely boss, who allowed me in half an hour later in the morning so i could get him to school,and i did half an hour later in the evening for her,I also used my tea break to collect him from school and take him home.My 2nd and 3rd children,I was back at work when they were 6 weeks,my husband had them,I only worked part time and once home he went to work.I had a newborn and 20 month old plus a son at school.Once no4 came along,i had three at school so decided i would be a sahm,and love it,i do miss my work mates,and hope to get back into work,next year,but at the moment am enjoying my life. its all about what suits you,and works out better for you,if you like work ,and dont mind someone else bringing up your kids, well good luck to you,and the sahm,its just as hard a job looking after a home and children,so at the end of the day,i hate that saying,do what suits you and sod anyone else,they are not you and dont have to live your life.

Xenia, I agree that they need loving adults who are consistent in their lives, and extended family are ideal for this. The more adults they have to form close attachments to the better. BUT the most important person in their lives will, in the vast majority of situatuons, be the mother. If she is absent for hours on end then I believe that that matters.

I know. We just don't agree on that. With my first three I would leave about 8.30am and be back by about 6.30 on most days and I'd feed the baby at 8 and then as soon as I got in the door.

Easier with the twins as I was working from home by then but I really don't think the fact I went into this office at 8.30am and then came out when the nanny said they needed a feed seems to have damaged them at all. Whether I was 10 miles away or in an office a few yards away the separation doesn't seem to have harmed them in any way and you also have to factor in the parents' personality. Some of us male and female just aren't suited to long periods with small children which is partly why many stay at home mothers have help, a maternity nurse, a full time nanny, an au pair etc. when they can afford it.

The hardest thing I ever found was lack of sleep and I think if you're at work then you can't catch up on that in the day but then you can't easily once you have a toddler too anyway. Second hardest was expressing milk which I never enjoyed. I was quite good at it with a battery operated pump and the babies did just have breastmilk which is what I wanted but much easier never doing it with the twins. So much easier and warmer and cosier but averaging out what for me were the other huge advantages of working and being now 22 years on I'm very glad I took the choices I did.

I think we are all looking for a happy and fulfilled life.
For many of us Xenia, working long hours would be a really unhappy life. Because for a lot of people working is a means to end. It's what we get done so we can get on with our real lives.
For me a fulfilled life is one where I get to spend a lot of time with my children and dh and have fun together. We try and juggle work arrangements so we can maximise that. For many people their satisfaction in life comes from the down time not the work time.

You and Mozhe feel differently - I can understand that - why can't you understand the opposite concept. It's hardly rocket science.

Thankyou for taking the time to give such a considered rewply Xenia. I have much respect for you

Thanks. I obviously also respect anyone with a lot of children. We have more in common than differences, I'm sure.

M, yes, true. I love a lot of the work that I do, not all of it every day but a lot of it. It's been such fun and so varied. I've done things like go on TV, written books as well as the mainstreams bits of it, involved with hundreds of different companies in so many sectors so it might be toys one day and oil the next and I think variety and complexity and trying to be the best there is at what you do is such fun.

I've certainly enjoyed it more as I got older. I think the 10 years working for myself have bene much easier than the 10 when I wasn't but that's the same in most jobs - when you're junior you have much less power and control and say and usually pay as well.

My husband was one of 10 and at first I must admit I was a bit taken aback his parents wanted so many and he remembers being hungry growing up as finances were always a problem. And obviously had to share a room with siblings etc. But even in these circumstances I still think he's been so lucky as like me (one of 2) he and all his siblings were so wanted and loved, and this is so much more important than anything else?

My dad was one of 14,my nan used to bake everything and hand wash all the clothes.Dont know why she had so many,they just seem to in those days,my grandad went to sea and sent money home,my dad said they were always well dressed and well fed,he even had his own glasses no nhs ones for him and leather shoes lol..The stories he tells,he said his friends were jealous cause he use to take toast to school.she was 48 when she had her last one !!

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That's a sweet post Doodletoodo

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No we need more middle class babise of clever women apparently which is why many states encourage those to breed through tax incentives whilst trying to stop other sectors of societies having more babies.In fact we're short of babies in the UK i think. We have a patiroitic duty to have more. Anyway some of us have such great DNA that we need to spread it as far as Ghenghis Khan managed with his.....

That's whar I thought too xenia

how do I become of working mum of many with lots of help & money? Lots of advice please.

my current situation: am 36 with 2 boys of 6 and 3. ds of 3 starts nursery 4 days per week in sep. My accountant has offered me a flexible job (working from home) doing accounts and will mentor me through accountancy exams. Plan to have aupair plus cleaner from september. Trouble is house not done up cos cash flow probs, dh only earning 10kpa and overspending on all sorts. Also got a buy to let property business (good capital gains but makes losses) and dh refuses to do the maintenance so this takes up lots of my time and is stopping me getting on with my career. DH is out all hours supposedly working and so cant be relied on to do any childcare or domestic work. I am useless at tidying and cleaning - it just depresses me and am starting to get bored of cooking, never have time for gardening. Feel overwhelmed with the two boys - all the continual daily battles to get up, eat , bath, go to bed etc, we would all benefit from the 'fresh arms'- don't have any relations nearby to help and dh always busy. I am good at being mum and love being a mum but useless 'housewife' stuff. I want to have two more children but know the only way I could cope would be to have a nanny and cleaner. I have a spare room for au pair.
Should I borrow money to subsidise the next few years while I train in accountancy? Is this possible to do with out a supportive dh? Am I stupid to think of having more kids if I sometimes feel im not coping with two?

Olliebird - What's ur DH playing at then ?

xenia-i resent your implication that only middle class women are clever

i suppose alot would depend on how you got to be 'middle slass' in the first place.im sure there are as many thick middle-class women as there are intelligent working-class women.

behaving very badly I suppose, spend years running his business singlehandedly and he wont give me any shares. don't know what he does all day, but it does involve socialising, suposedly necessary to 'keep up his contacts'. Yes I know its bad

olliebird-i didnt see your post before.maybe you would be better off on your own?

divastrop - yes I would be better off without him and probably will be. divorce/separation in next two years is quite likely, should have added that.

olliebird

ob, I can't understand what the point of having a man if he's like that.
Makes me glad I'm single.

ds, sorry. I certainly don't think working class means not clever. Just look at Princess Diana and Harry. France I think and a few other places encourage higher rate tax payers to have more children because those children tend to go on and earn more, pay more tax etc whereas sometimes there is somethiung called a cycle of deprivation with generations of unemployed working class (not hard working working class) who have children who don't contribute so if you want more babies of the kind that we need it's supposed to be better to encourage that through tax relief at the higher end.

I also favour teh solution of importaing more people from abroad though rather than us just having bigger families here and and Poles and others are doing sterling work at filling the various gaps we have through the average babies per couple being less than 2.

my 5 will be future leaders

At the risk of going off at a tangent, I took the opposite approach. We (happily married, both university educated, good jobs) decided that our genes weren't particulary special and decided to adopt. I guess we think that our nurturing skills are more special than our genetics, and that we can use all that education etc to help a child who otherwise might be trapped in poverty, abuse etc.

Only time will tell how he'll turn out. At the moment he's 4.5 months and is happy, healthy, and seems gifted and talented (tongue in cheek emoticon).

xenia-i see your point now.there are certainly alot of women where i live whos only goal in life was to have kids and go on benefits like their mothers did.i just get frustrated when i get lumped among those people,and 'do-gooders' ask if i'd like to do adult literacy courses and the like as they assume i must have left school with no qualifications(i got very good grades in my gcses but went loopy a few weeks before my a-levels and only sat one,then i was on a downward spiral).

i have to say,i do see women like you as an inspiration,as a mother of 5 myself.you have obviously done well for yourself and are a good role model to your children.

olliebird-sorry to hear that.i'm sure things will work out for you once you are free to do what you want with your life.

Good. It's harder now I'm divorced because the assumption of others can become (wrongly) that something has to give you have a large family and work successfully. People like to see something fail - like the children dropping out of school addicted to heroin or the business collapsing or whatever. But there are lots of successful mothers in the City of London (and elsewhere) with large families and loving marriages too.