Calling all MNers with large families....who work.

[mozhe]

We are expecting our 6th baby in october....all of them will be under 8. We are pretty well organised now, and have a marvellous nanny,( whose been with us since day 1 with our first ), and we will be having a maternity nanny too for the first 6-8 weeks. I usually go back to work at the 8-12 week stage part time and build it up to fulltime from there, but this time am thinking of doing it a bit differently. One MNer who posts regularly,( and speaks a lot of sense imo ), recommends going back much earlier at the 2 week point...I 'm seriously wondering about doing this as I think it would really help me establish a routine quicker. I live in France and work as an academic at the moment.I still breasfeed my twin daughters aged nearly one. Has anyone else tried this ? I'm genuinely interested in other peoples' experiences.

mozhe - don't be patronising.

I have several jobs under consideration for when my daughter starts school.

I certainly didn't mean to be patronising....hopefully your daughter is starting school soon.

In September, when she is 2.10.

But I would not have been able to work outside the home earlier than this. Far too much home life to get sorted.

And what if Anna wasn't to go back to work, Mozhe, would that make her a slacker? I'm really confused about what you are saying. If you have children and go out to work then you are a good mother otherwise your lazy?

The right to work or not to work is a choice. Femininism came about so that I could choose to go to work, be educated not that I had to work to be considered hard working.

Zola78 - I quite agree with you on feminism.

Where I have a really hard time with the Xenia's and Mozhe's of this world is their dismissal of SAHMs as either drudges (because they spend their lives doing housework and menial childcare tasks - which I do) or slackers (when they subcontract housework and menial childcare tasks - I subcontract SOME housework, the bits I enjoy the least).

I don't believe I fall into either camp. My family life in the past 18 months has been incredibly challenging, blending two families from two cultures/religions, living in a new place with new people and bringing about family structure from chaos. I also spend a lot of time with my daughter teaching her life skills - something I have learnt does NOT happen automatically, as I have my stepsons' example in front of my eyes every day - and ensuring she grows up confident and bilingual. I have a comfortable material life, though I am not an acquisitive person or an aspiring yummy mummy.

And I am sure there are many mothers on MN in a similar position to mine - their family lives, for whatever reason, require a lot of intellectual input.

And it has all been fascinating.

I just find it hard to understand how any educated woman can actually want to absent herself from interesting paid work to do domestic drudge stuff which I accept if you marry a rich man who pays for a nanny and cleaner then you are absented from so you can concentrate on being a sexual play thing for your man only and I suppose fitting in reading some philosophy but I still can't understand the appeal of that life nor can most women. But we just have to agree to differ.

The only thing that ever really irritates me about Anna is the criticism of the the stepson's mother who I think is probably a better example than a non working mother and as she's not here to defend herself then we can do it for her.

Xenia - and what I cannot understand is how any woman who believes herself to be a responsible human being cannot put (for a limited time) her family before her wallet when they need her.

Yawn...the usual offensive sexist claptrap from the ever-misogynist Xenia, I see.

Aloha - tedious, perhaps, but I actually feel more and more sorry for Xenia. She's dug herself into an intransigent corner from which she can't get out. I wonder how (un)happy her own parents' marriage must have been for her to be so misguided in her beliefs about male-female relationships.

To answer you question Xenia, I suppose the reason why I have chosen to give up work is because I know that it will only be for a short time. Our children as you are more aware than myself are only small for a little while and with every passing year they more closer and closer to total independence. So I want to cherish this time and enjoy it. As for the housework as when as and when is all I'll say.

In addition, Xenia, we weren't all born to be academics or career minded. We all have differing strengths despite our abilities. For example I am well educated and I did alright careerwise but since having the children as soppy as this may sound my priorities changed. Not to say yours didn't but having the children made me want to be with them more. Although right now I have bashed them from the computer room!! Lol. If everyone wanted to be a doctor or a solicitor we wouldn't have any teachers and so and so.

Yes, I know people differ.

Anna, my parents were very unhappily married until my mother died, sadly. My mother said she knew on the honeymoon in 1953 that she'd made a mistake when he put rose petals on the bed (which I thought sounded rather romantic of him) but I have seen some happy marriages. My ex husband would say ours failed because my parents' was so bad which wasn't really very fair.

My parents are happily married, and my mother's parents were exceedingly happily married and created a very close family which has carried on being close through the generations. My father's parents were also happily married, although a model from another era.

My partner's parents are unhappily married (though they don't even realise) and his ex-wife's parents very acrimoniously divorced. The happiness and trust of their parental model makes a great deal of difference, in my opinion, as to whether women put family or paid work as first priority.

On that basis why did you go anywhere near someone who was divorced as most second relationships fail anyway. We can't help where we come from and we try not to continue cycles of wrong/abuse where we can. I suppose I could have entered a convent at 17 on the basis I couldn't happily marry as my parents hadn't but instead you just try to make the best of things.

Xenia - that's precisely why our relationship has been a lot of work. Why I needed to concentrate on our family life rather than money work for a while.

You can overcome your family background if you work at it, and my partner is exceedingly anxious to do so and not repeat the same dysfunctions down the generations.

... and I would add that I already had an excellent example in my family, since my very happily married maternal grandparents had worked very hard not to repeat the unhappy experiences of their own parents (on both sides).

Blimey, how can anyone possibly know how happy/unhappy anyone's marriage is other than their own and their parents?

Frankly, I prefer Xenia's contributions as she seems at least human!

Xenia I find your posts offensive and so ill informed
Do you have female friends?
Are you one?

Anna you speak a lot of sense
My DP and I both came from broken homes
Both were left with our fathers
Both are STRONG believers in working to make our relationship work for the greater good of our children
Staying at home - for me- is far from drudgery. I live in a great town with great friends and I actually like housework!
My dp and I run our own business and i see him a couple of times during the day
I like women and men

Human as opposed to what, mumblechum?

I do feel a kind of perverse misogyny from Xenia
Do you subscribe to the dichotomy of the mother/whore?

mumblechum - well, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents, as did all my cousins, so this is something we all recognised for ourselves and talk about. And obviously we talk about it with our parents and aunts and uncles. And they have told us about their grandparents. And my cousins and my sister and I all talk about our own marriages, and those of our partners' families.

NotanOtter - good for you. Personally I think that the best thing anyone can do is examine their family legacy and determine to improve upon it.

It does take a lot of commitment from BOTH sides, though.

Zola, I just mean all this, "I float around like a little spoiled princess in my 1929 (big deal!) apartment while others do my ironing for me" stuff a bit irritating.

mumblechum - your words, not mine, and I am no spoiled princess. I worked very hard to get what I have now.

Not, not at all. Women have as much right to be sexually active as men.

Getting divorced was awful but I really don't think it was anything to do with my upbringing or my parents' marriage. We were the first people on either side of the family ever to divorce actually which made it even harder.