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Original poster

AIBU newborn

120 replies

Kitcat159 · 27/02/2018 10:34

AIBU to ask my husband who works at home to watch the baby occasionally for a few mins while I go to the loo. It will only be the odd occasion that baby is being fussy/won't go in the Moses basket and I'm desperate to go.

He said it's totally unreasonable.

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Makingworkwork · 27/02/2018 11:19

He expects all the house work and cooking to be done. With a new born that is ridiculous.

Does he know what it is like to care for a newborn?

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2018 11:20

Do not sleep downstairs.
If he can't sleep through baby noise he can use ear plugs. Babies cry, he should have figured that out before now.

You are home providing childcare not maid service. Your priority is the baby not his socks, dinner, etc.

Tbh I never really went upstairs with the new baby, he napped downstairs with me and I had all the toys downstairs. If you need to pee baby will be fine for a few minutes, I do agree in essence that this is something you'd have to do if he got an office job. The secret is to go early not last minute.

Does he have an office? That is the only room reasonably off limits

Heartofglass12345 · 27/02/2018 11:21

You dont need someone to watch your baby while you have a wee. He is being completely unreasonable though! Why do you have to do everything? My husband tells me not to do housework if he sees me doing it, especially if he knows i'm tired etc. He works from home 3 days a week and when he has his lunch break he will often make our sons lunch and spends his time with him playing etc. He does his fair share around the house, not as much as me but i can do stuff while my son is playing/ sleeping etc. But he has never once says he expects me to do it! You need to sit down and tell him how it is, you are not a slave!

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PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 27/02/2018 11:23

You can just put the baby in the Moses basket while you go to the loo, or even have a shower, it won't hurt him/her, but no, YANBU.

PerfectlySymmetricalButtocks · 27/02/2018 11:26

It's everything he wants, isn't it?

Gierg · 27/02/2018 11:29

NBU but I used to just bring my baby to the bathroom when I needed to go... put his bouncy chair In there and he was fine!

If he can't deal with baby noise he needs to find another place to go work... he should sleep downstairs if he's bothered. I hope you sort this out, he needs to realise babies are hard work...

Tbh even if the noise disturbs him or his sleep, unless he's doing a life or death job or a safety critical job he should get over himself.

flumpybear · 27/02/2018 11:30

Where did you meet him? The 1950's?! Hmm

katmarie · 27/02/2018 11:38

Just for perspective, my DP has to be up for work at 6am and at 4 this morning he was changing a nappy and settling our 4week old ds so I could breast feed him. When he got home from work yesterday he sorted dinner, and pitched in with baby and housework. He works long hours but still does his share of the baby and house stuff, because he sees how hard it is to care for a baby all day. Your husband is not being a good partner, and frankly, if you're going to do it all on your own, what is the point of having him around?

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 27/02/2018 11:46

I did many, many a pee with a baby on my chest in a sling. I'm just sayin'.

But leaving aside that, your husband is being a wanker. It would be U of you to expect him to interrupt his work every five minutes to help out, but expecting him to very occasionally hold baby for a few minutes if he's not on a conference call or something is absolutely fine. And the whole "I expect the housework to be done" blah blah fuck off back to the 50s, jackass. When you have a newborn your job is to feed and care for the newborn and recover from the birth, period. It's your partner's job to pick up any slack around the house and to take care of you.

Lillygolightly · 27/02/2018 11:54

WTF....it’s not the 1950’s!!!

Since this is your first child NOW is the time to put your foot down and set him straight.

  1. No you don’t need the baby watching to go to the loo, just go, or take the baby with you. However, he should absolutely help if you need/ask. He should want to help it’s his child too!!
  1. Housework, this can take a backseat while baby is so small. In the first weeks I just did what was necessary. Get him to do his fair share...working does not make him completely exempt from household chores!!
  1. Sleeping arrangements, yes he has to work, but you have to look after a baby all day, you both need rest. Having broken sleep is part of being a parent and he is not exempt from this either.
  1. The way you handle this now will dictate how things are for a long time to come. Unless you are going to be happy doing all the housework and all the childcare and pandering to him for years to come, get this sorted and put your foot down now. You made this baby together he is as responsible for its care as you are. Working is not an excuse to do F all
Original poster
Kitcat159 · 27/02/2018 11:55

I did say I guess I could take the baby in with me if I really needed to and baby wouldn't let me put them down. He shot that down straight away saying the baby is not to go in the bathroom with me and I'm to just wait.
I'm sure things will change once baby gets here but I'm really dreading it now.
He said that because I'm not working I have to do everything around the house instead. He is paying the rent etc so I have to do the rest. Feels a bit like I have to work to earn my keep.
I tried explaining that I will be exhausted and recovering from pushing out a tiny human. He is going to take a week paternity to help me settle into a routine.

OP posts:
wowbutter · 27/02/2018 11:56

I think he is in for a shock. And you need to put your foot down.

pinkyredrose · 27/02/2018 11:58

There was a discussion of me and baby sleepingdownstairs so he can get a decent sleep but he decided against that because he doesn't like to sleep without me. I just have to keep the baby from waking him up

ShockAngry

Does he realise that he's a father now?

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 27/02/2018 11:59

the baby is not to go in the bathroom with me and I'm to just wait.

What the actual?

Does he often speak to you this way? Issuing orders for what you are to do and not to do? And what you have to do "in exchange for" him paying the rent? Has he always spoken this way, or is this a new thing?

I don't think this is a healthy relationship.

Original poster
Kitcat159 · 27/02/2018 11:59

I am certainly not making and bringing him coffee etc as and when he wants. He wouldnt rely on me to do it if I was at work so he can make his own coffee.

OP posts:
gingergenius · 27/02/2018 12:00

This is far from ok I can't believe you can't see this

stitchglitched · 27/02/2018 12:04

He is the epitome of a man who ranks up the abuse once their partner is pregnant. Do you have parents around? If so could you stay with them whilst you have your baby and are recovering afterwards whilst you work out your next steps? He sounds awful.

gingergenius · 27/02/2018 12:05

the baby is not to go in the bathroom with me and I'm to just wait.

WTAF?????? This sounds like the plot from 'sleeping with the enemy'

Get out. NOW

WonderLime · 27/02/2018 12:06

What else does he get from you in exchange for room and board? Angry

Honestly, he will be in for a shock when the baby comes. Sometimes they cry. Sometimes nothing will stop them. I suggest he starts looking for someone else to work.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2018 12:06

Honestly was he this much of a dick before you got pregnant?

Re loo is he worried about germs? If you sling baby you won't be touching him with your germy bum wipey hands and its not like you'll be peeing on him so DH needs to get over it. Anyway, he's locked in his office so he can't comment.

The answer to housework is no. You work for X hours. I will also work those with dc. You have no commute so you finish work, make a coffee and chill for 30 minutes, fine but then you get baby and I get the same break. Any housework not done whilst he's working gets shared. Housework at weekends gets shared along with childcare.

Depending on whether you are bf'ing or not, go out and leave baby as early as you can, just a quick walk to the shops, a longer walk to the shops, coffee, a movie. Make sure he looks after baby alone sip he knows what you do all day whilst he's playing solataire working

SleepingStandingUp · 27/02/2018 12:07

And if baby cries solid for two hours at every attempt at putting down, is he going to clean up when you piss on the floor of his office

Phillipa12 · 27/02/2018 12:07

Seriously controlling behaviour from your oh op im actually disgusted by his behaviour and would absolutely lose my shit with him over this. For reference my exh was controlling and shit with our dc but i do remember a time he was working from home and was taking a conference call with a director about a massive complaint and our 2.5 year old dd walked into the room and announced that she needed "a big poo daddy" certainly lightened the mood for everyone involved! 😂

BarryTheKestrel · 27/02/2018 12:10

He shot that down straight away saying the baby is not to go in the bathroom with me and I'm to just wait.

And he gets to dictate that why? Unless he is determined for you to get a UTI or flood your pad or any other horrendous outcome of not going to the toilet when you want and need to.
He's making me furious and I don't even know the man. He has no idea what is going to fall on your home when you have a newborn. He seems to be under the impression that newborns are easy and do as they are told.... Definitely not the case.

Frankly it sounds like you'd be better of without him as he clearly isn't interested in being a parent at all.

Original poster
Kitcat159 · 27/02/2018 12:12

Honestly he hasn't been like this before.
He seems to think that I'm gonna be watching tv and eating all day while baby just sleeps.
He knows babies cry hence the doors having to be shut.
He has been around babies most of his life so I don't know where all this has come from.
Usually he is supportive and considerate.
Maybe he resents me for not being able to pay my share of the rent? I can't help it if I only get stat mat pay :(

OP posts:
QueenAravisOfArchenland · 27/02/2018 12:15

Kitcat the things you are posting indicate that your partner may be or become controlling and abusive (including financially). It's very common for abuse to start or escalate in pregnancy. Please be careful.

What would happen if you lost your shit at him and told him where to shove his orders and expectations? Would you feel safe to do that?