Out of control 3 year old

[OneDayIWillHaveAGreatUsername]

My DH and I are really struggling with our 3 yo DD. She's a lovely girl, bright and funny albeit somewhat shy when she first meets people/is in new situations. She is very well behaved in nursery (she goes a few days a week) and is meeting milestones for her age.

Our problem is that when she has a tantrum she is literally out of control. She screams, cries, kicks and we can't calm her down. She often takes 30 minutes to stop screaming and we struggle to keep our composure and not completely lose it with her (we aren't always successful ). We often have three or four tantrums a day and they start over nothing.

I'm well aware that she's 3 and this comes with the territory but none of our friends with the same aged children experience this level of craziness with their little ones.

We are really struggling. I'd massively appreciate any advice. x

This sounds fairly normal to me.

What does she tantrum about?

Are there triggers - tiredness, hunger etc, not being in control, frustrated

This sounds fairly within the normal range to me. How you react to it might lessen her tantrum length or intensity, but it might not.

My DS is similar, thankfulky I remember that his sister was as bad and she gradually stopped. Eventually.

Sounds fairly normal, tbh.

I too would be interested in hearing what she tantrums about.

(Please be aware, btw, that your friends may not be telling you the full extent of what they experience with their toddlers, perhaps in the (usually) mistaken belief that it reflects on them)

Sounds familiar - we had the same with dd at that age (and from what my parents tell me I was the same too ) We just had to let her blow off steam then carry on. A few times dd trashed her room but after she realised she had to tidy it up after she stopped that!

If we were out when it happened I’d just scoop her up and head home or carry on depending on circumstances (ie how desperate I was to do what I needed to do with kicking, screaming child in tow). DD also took to hitting her head against the wall/floor in her rages. She just couldn’t control her emotions.

DD was the same at that age - although never in public.

I think it was because she wasn't sure how to express herself.

She's 4 1/2 now and a lot better, though still get the odd meltdown!

Thanks for the replies. Part of me likes to hear this is normal even though I'd still love to stop them!

Taking today for example, her tantrums were because:

• she didn't want to get dressed (morning - resulted in a 15 min tantrum)
• she didn't want to get out of the car once we were back at home (this is a regular one which often happens after nursery but happened in the morning today and resulted in a 15 min tantrum)
• she wouldn't go to the toilet when she clearly needed to (throughout the day, occasionally resulted in a short tantrum)
• I told her to stop messing with something (at bedtime - 20 min tantrum)

Actually seeing these written down makes me realise they are not lasting as long as they have in the past (even though they feel like they last forever ). I don't feel there is a pattern in terms of time of day usually. She definitely reacts worse with me than DH. Once she starts, even if she's not screaming, you just can't get through to her - she doesn't respond, doesn't speak etc.

My eldest DD was like this, although maybe not quite so frequently, she grew out of it eventually, though at 5 still has the occasional tantrum. It is quite normal for some children, but not all.

We found that any interaction on our part made it worse, so we would sit in her room with her to make sure she didn't hurt herself. Sometimes she'd put a blanket over us so she couldn't see us, but we wouldn't speak, make eye contact or move. As the temper subsided, she would edge closer and eventually crawl onto our lap and sob her heart out. We would remain calm but present, she would be so scared of her own behaviour it was very sad. Once she had completely calmed down we'd talk about how it wasn't ok, that she needed to talk about her feelings rather than scream or shout, and how much it upset us. Never angrily, just matter of fact. I have no idea if it was the right way to handle it, but the tantrums did stop eventually.

All the above aside, we weren't always 100% great at responding. It's hard when you're tired, have other children to look after and just sick of it, but I tried really hard to keep my own temper under control, because losing it only makes the whole thing worse and sets the wrong example. It is incredibly hard though, don't beat yourself up over it, but resolve to be better next time.

@WorzelsCornyBrows that strikes a chord. Our DD does not react well to us once she's "in the zone" and recently I've taken to leaving her to get it out of her system. I say to her that I'm ready for a cuddle whenever she is. I often go back to her a few times and offer a cuddle and eventually she'll give me one and that's when I know it's over. We do talk after but it doesn't seem to stop the intensity the next time.

Oh the car one was a regular occurrence with DD2. Only way to handle that one is to get her straight out of the car, whether she likes it or not, no exceptions. Put her in the house and carry on around her like nothing is going on. Once the penny drops that her tantrums are pointless, the will stop. Again, once over, calmly explain that her behaviour has upset you and isn't nice.

She's worse with you partly because she's confident in your love for her and partly maybe because you try to reason with her. My DDs are the same with DH. I'm more of a switch off and get on with it despite protestations however extreme. It's not that I don't care about their emotions, I've just never seen the point of trying to reason with someone when they're angry, especially children.

I also have a 3 year old dd, she regularly has tantrums but shes not 'out of controll' it comes with the age they want independance and to start making there own decisions but cant and also can't explain why they are uncomfortable and dont want to do something. I suspect she is tired/hungry/thirsty/hot/cold etc and dosnt know how to process that so shes screams when you add demands, shes dosnt understand that she needs to get dressed or get out o the car because up untill now you ahve always done theese things for her.

I agree. We've seen that us speaking to her/reasoning with her doesn't help so I think we should just ignore.

Good point about the car. I do partly indulge her by taking in her sister first but she still kicks off. It's just so draining.

I agree with whoever said about others not telling me exactly how their kids behave

I should say she's only just turned 3 and this has been going on for a good 6 months or so.

Both my girls were like this at 3, although the younger one is definitely worse. She is incensed if her sister dares to do anything 'first' - get dressed, get into or out of car; bucket seat belt etc etc ad infitinum. Anything could set her off.
But I have noticed that the frequency and intensity is lessening as she moves closer to 4. My older DD was miles better by 4. So my advice is ride it out; stay as calm as possible (not always easy) , avoid shouting or raising voice, and give her an 'out' - I can tell as the tantrum is 10 mins in; DD wants to stop and say sorry but doesn't always know how. So I will often just give her a hug and ask is she finished/tired/hungry - at this point, she often just bursts into tears and apologises.
It is very hard and sometimes you teapots want to just scream at them, but it doesn't get better!

I agree 9 times out of 10, they are tired, hungry or not feeling well and haven't been able to express it.

Oh my DS has daily tantrums about these things too. Sounds very similar. His are possibly a bit shorter but we have a lot of them.

I point blank ignore them. I tell him very calmly and reasonably why we need to do what I've asked him and then I ignore until he comes around. I make sure he gets no attention for them, but give him plenty when he does make the 'right choice'

Eg this AM : "no I don't want to get dressed" tantrum started - threw himself on the floor etc etc. I replied calmly with "ok that's fine, but that means you won't be able to come to the park with us. I'm going nextdoor to get dressed, just come and tell me if you change your mind" He came in after 5 mins or so and did that awful grizzly mumbling and I told him when he was talking sensibly I'd be able to listen. Suprise suprise, he got dressed fine after that.

I read an article somewhere recently about giving children 'natural consequences' to 'bad' behaviour. So taking away the punishment but making sure everything has a consequence EG, if you don't get dressed you will actually go in the car in your PJs. If you won't put your shoes on, they could go out without and they'd soon see why we wear shoes. If toys get thrown then they get taken away as child can't be trusted with them etc etc.

I found the article really helpful and helps me to stay calm in these situations.

Mind you my son is closer to 4, so like PP's have suggested it might be as much to do with an inability to communicate in they way she would like to.

For my DS its more of an independence/control thing I think.

OP she won't change over night. So much of it is down to brain development and as a pp has said, growing independence. My youngest (also 3yo) currently tantrums because she likes to zip up her own coat, but isn't that good at it!

It's frustrating that you can have a brilliant conversation with them one day and then the next day nothing has changed, BUT, it will change when she's ready, if you keep it up. In the meantime, deep breaths. I'm lucky I'm surrounded by parents who are honest about their children's behaviours, but not everyone admits to this stuff, because they think it reflects poorly on them. It really doesn't. Some children have epic tantrums, some don't. But those that don't will have other frustrating traits. No child is perfect, they will all push boundaries at some point, it's part of learning how to interact with others and finding their place in the world.

Thanks everyone. This is helping DH and I come up with a united strategy

It is so frustrating as she's awesome when she's not like this. And I do appreciate that those that don't tantrum will have other quirks (but right now it feels like I've got the short end of the stick of quirks!).

Lately I've been wondering if we could get referred to have her checked out in case something is wrong (just on the extreme days). This thread has helped to put it in perspective. (Although it didn't help to have a retired HV tell me that DDs tantrums were the worst she'd come across ).

I wouldn't like to say there isn't a diagnosable condition, I don't know your DD, but if her tantrums are aimed solely at you and DH and she manages to keep it in check elsewhere, I'd say that that indicates she knows how to keep herself in check. Not saying that she's choosing it when she does it with you, it's not that simple, it's a confidence thing.

Both my DD's present to caregivers and school as very well behaved, thoughtful and kind little girls. They are absolutely all of those things, with the occasional tantrum at home thrown in for good measure.

Yep. Nursery have literally never seen her throw a tantrum in over 2 years. She will do it in front of others if we are around. But 99% of the time it's saved for us on our own 😏

I remember those years

I found that deflecting worked well with mine, mainly DD1 though, DD2 was just a nightmare.

So if it was a 'getting dressed is going to cause a tantrum' then I'd just breezily walk in to her room and pull out two tops and say 'right, which one do you think will look best on you today?' Ok the blue one? Right, shall we pick out pants? socks? Trousers to go with them? Wow, great choice! How much of that can you put on yourself? All of it? Wow! That's so grown up! I will go and while you get dressed and then we can do your hair ok?

And keep it all light and cheery and really positive. Make it a slight challenge for her so she thinks 'mum doesn't think I can do this? I can!'. So even getting out of the car can be changed too. DD I am going to need some help getting from the house to the car (or the other way round) - can you carry for me please? Wow thank you! That is so helpful! Wait til I tell Daddy how helpful you've been this morning!

Introduce a star chart too.

What jumps out at me is stress at interruptions/transitions. Pretty common in 3yos, where absorption in a self-chosen activity is a key part of learning and developing concentration. I agree with giving as much choice and control as possible. Also making her aware of what's going to happen. I find my 2yo (who's suddenly become very articulate and aware of time beyond the moment) responds to 'we'll do [wanted activity] first, and then move on to [unwanted activity]', or just generally to being given a clear sequence of things in advance.

She's quite young to be fully potty-trained and going to the toilet (or were my kids old? ) - could it be that she's not quite 'there' yet with recognising that she needs to go?