Out of control 3 year old

[OneDayIWillHaveAGreatUsername]

My DH and I are really struggling with our 3 yo DD. She's a lovely girl, bright and funny albeit somewhat shy when she first meets people/is in new situations. She is very well behaved in nursery (she goes a few days a week) and is meeting milestones for her age.

Our problem is that when she has a tantrum she is literally out of control. She screams, cries, kicks and we can't calm her down. She often takes 30 minutes to stop screaming and we struggle to keep our composure and not completely lose it with her (we aren't always successful ). We often have three or four tantrums a day and they start over nothing.

I'm well aware that she's 3 and this comes with the territory but none of our friends with the same aged children experience this level of craziness with their little ones.

We are really struggling. I'd massively appreciate any advice. x

@AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight thank you. Re: the potty training - we only recently started and we are the last of all our friends to do it We've held off until she showed all the signs and it's going ok but you are right - she hates change so I will start talking about sequences more. Thank you!

We've been ignoring her when she's played up this morning and it's been interesting. Not only do I feel calmer (maybe because we have a strategy) but it's also obvious how much she enjoys the attention. By not giving her any she has been looking for other ways to get a reaction (which have also been ignored). So hopefully, over time, she'll realise that she'll enjoy herself much more when she's "good"?!

The two things I would suggest which might help over time are

1 - ignoring more which is you are doing already.

2 - create an area of her bedroom or the living room in the corner with pillows, cushion, soft toys and that can be a place she can go if she's feeling angry and frustrated. Works better with some kids than others but when it works it gives the child permission to have those emotions so they don't feel like they are naughty just got feeling like that. It also enables them to act out those emotions for a short period of time where they're not meeting resistance turning it into a fight. Ie they can punch the pillow or hit do being soft against the cushion. It then often results I the child coming to terms with what's going to happen without being forced into it.

While it's not a long term thing, it can help a child learn to process emotions and then you can start gradually helping them to manage their feelings better.

I could have written your OP. I'm exhausted with my 3YOs behaviour and it's making family life utterly miserable because we can't go anywhere or do anything without a tantrum kicking off and knowing it will means I don't even want to try. I feel terrible because my eldest is an angel but never gets any attention as we're both so busy trying to deal with the screaming.

Getting in and out of the car drives me potty! Just get in/out would you! We park on the road so frequently have people walking past and can't have the car door open for ten minutes trying to cajole him. I hate wishing his childhood away but I will be so glad when he's 4.

How to talk so little kids will listen has really helped us here.
We have to be very clear on transitions, starting the night before with what’s going to happen the next day.
Also walking away when it’s an attention thing rather than genuine upset. Crowding her often makes it worse.

I'm a fan of natural consequences too. With our DD, we also had the stropping about getting out of the car till I did a bright and breezy "ok then, you stay here while we go inside". I then calmly locked the car, gave her a cheery wave and went inside (then watched surreptitiously from the window!). Five minutes later I went out to her, and she begged to come out. Has never done it again. I think the penny dropped as to how boring it is to be strapped into a car seat in an empty car with no audience!

Things really haven't improved at all (I'm not stupid enough to think it can be fixed over night but I was hoping for some positive change).

Today we are on tantrum #2 which has been going for 40 minutes because I wouldn't give her a second snack just before lunch. Tantrum #1 lasted 1.5 hours and was because she didn't want to get dressed.
I ignored her for both

It is incredibly miserable looking after her at the moment.

Sounds like my DD. It used to be worst with the car seat. Both DH and I had times where it took over an hour to get her in it, and loads more of shorter duration. She eventually managed to tell us it didn't fit her. One new car seat later and she's not really had any over it. She still has tantrums from time to time, but they are shorter and less intense. Ignoring safely works, or taking her out of the situation when possible. May still take her a while to calm down though.
They have got better as she's got older. She's 3 yrs 8 months tomorrow and definitely better than she was at just 3.

My 3year old is gorgeous and lovely about 90% of the time but also have big shouting fits about really small things (like what cutlery I’ve put on the table).
From friends, I think this is pretty normal.
Horribly tiring but normal.

How's it going OP? Your last message said things were getting worse now you were ignoring her. That's normal with behaviour changes. I work as a behaviour nurse and always make it clear to parents and carers that once you start making changes to address a behaviour, it gets worse first. If you stick at it, stay consistent and make sure there are alternatives for her (giving choices etc) it should start to get easier.

The technical name is an extinction burst and its perfectly normal. You will see behaviour getting worse than ever, peaking, and then reducing.

Imagine you always go round someone's house - you know they're always in at 3pm if their car is on the drive, and you always knock for a chat. Today, you knock, and she's decided to ignore you because she's fed up of you knocking every day at 3. You might knock for a few minutes and then give up and go home. The next day you do the same and she still doesn't answer. You knock for a few minutes, shout out at her and then go home. The next day you're a bit annoyed and confused. You go to her house, knock, shout and phone her multiple times. You've made your behaviour worse.

If she answers the door after you call her and is perfectly nice, you might repeat all the steps of knocking, shouting and phoning another time - she's reinforced an even worse behaviour in you because you've worked out that if knocking doesn't work, all you need to do is shout and then phone her.

If however, she carries on ignoring you for the rest of the week, you probably will give up and stop trying to knock on her door.

I've found that when people know to expect it, it makes is easier to cope with!

Thanks everyone who keeps messaging - even to hear other people's toddlers are like this makes me feel better!

@Rubberduckies that's a great analogy that makes sense - thanks. Today has been a lot better - we had two tantrums but they were over very quickly. So the ignoring may be working? We've also noticed that she's much worse in the morning so have brought her bedtime earlier (she's just gone down now so it's pretty early!) in case she's not actually getting enough sleep and waking up tired. We will see if that helps.