SAHM's with a nanny?

[FernLove]

Hi Everyone,

I was wondering how many SAHM's have a nanny? Whether it be one day a week / a couple of half days a week or the whole time?

My husband and I were just chatting about when we have a baby (TTC) and he said he thinks it would be a good idea to eventually organise a nanny for one day a week or one or two half days a week to give me some "me time". I was very surprised about this!

Thoughts?

No-one judges SAHMs who leave baby with granny once a week!
I wouldn't do it when the baby was newborn, but I don't see the harm if you can afford it and are happy to do so.
I think for toddlers a couple of mornings in nursery can be quite good for them (depending on the child's personality etc), and would think this would be better than a nanny because they get the benefits of "socialising" with other little ones.

Oh and I don't understand the stretches of imagination people are making about your dh. He sounds nice.

I think a mothers help or similar would be more appropriate than a nanny, and if it was me I'd go for two mornings a week rather than a whole day while the baby is little.

I had someone looking after the DC two mornings a week.

Time I could go shopping, have my hair cut, take the car to be MOT’d and numerous other jobs where I did not want them behave DC in tow. Or that were just easier without.

If you can afford it, I think it’s a great idea.

One word of advice:

I have noticed that often on mumsnet there is a negative reaction to the word "nanny". If it appears in the thread title, the op gets a hard a time. I could speculate on why that is, but that would be a whole other thread!
You are still TTC, so I assume that you are not as clued up on all the nuances and differences of different forms of childcare as parents are.

If you had written exactly the same post, but swopped the word "nanny" for "mother's help" or "child minder" I am fairly certain you would get nicer responses and no-one would be accusing your husband of an affair/shirking caring responsibilities for his hypothetical child.

Never ever apologise to the martyrs for arranging for life to be a bit easier and parenting more enjoyable. They are just jealous.

Your child would never have a weaker bond with you because if a nanny coming a couple of days a week for a few hours. If that was the case then every working Mum involved the world had no bond with their kids who they spend 5 days a week usually away from.

Honestly anything you can do to be able to relax and enjoy your kids more, including having scheduled breaks, is a very very good thing. I bet all the negative responses come from people who do gets break thanks to granny or DH or whatever set up, and nobody is questioning their bond.

squishysquirmy
I live somewhere where mothers help isn't very accessible and easy to find. It's either nanny's who need extra hours, babysitters (so young girls) or I guess, creche / nursery - which I wouldn't use until DC is at least 12 months.

You are correct though, I am not a parent yet so do not know the nuances and differences of different styles of childcare. I did however, used to work at a nursery so I am at least aware of the workings in these places.

No-one would be accusing your husband of an affair/shirking caring responsibilities for his hypothetical child if I hadn't used the word nanny. I'm intrigued?!? I didn't realise there was such a negative reaction to the word "NANNY" and association with lazy fathers and affairs.

My original point was I was quite surprised that my husband thought it would be normal / a good idea for us to arrange some type of help on a weekly basis for when we had a child. He was far from trying to avoid his responsibilities of parenthood... he was just trying to be nice :-)

I shall refrain from using the buzzword "nanny" in future and do understand now that it's more like mothers help that I need if it was just for one day a week or a couple of half days :-)

Nannies are usually the most expensive type of childcare, so some people will see negative connotations to do with being wealthy. Then there is the stereotype of wealthy people like the Jacob Rees-Moggs of this world who have a nanny for their children and seem proud not to have any hands on involvement with their children. And then the common stories of celebs like Gavin Rossdale/Jude Law/Ben Affleck/Robin Williams/Ethan Hawke etc having an affair with the nanny, which leads people to associate it with cheating.

Of course reality is nothing like that, and I think for multiple children nannies become cost effective and nanny shares are also common which make it cheaper.

I know it is daft that there should be such an odd reaction to the word nanny- it is just something I've observed from other threads! You probably know more about childcare etc than I do if you've worked in that area, so ignore my waffle.

I love mumsnet, and most of the time it's great but there are a couple of things that annoy me, and one of them is the responses I've seen on previous threads where the op mentions a nanny. Use whatever language you like on threads, but don't take it personally if you get undeservedly harsh responses when you mention a nanny. Other people's weird assumptions aren't your fault!

Lots of SAHM use some form of Childcare or family, it’s nothing to feel guilty about and it won’t make you less of a Mum

Other things you could try are joining a Gym with a really good crèche if going to the gym is important to you and looking into the possibility of using a Doula to be around and support you in the first few days or weeks.

I’d also recommend doing an Antenatal course which offers a meet-up once the babies are born so that you can have friends nearby with babies of a similar age. You can also go to local playgroups, NCT Groups and Bfing Support Grouos while you are pg and you”” meet other Mums and Mums to be who are local to you, some of whom might become friends

Good luck with the TTC

Looking back with 2 grown kids and 3 still at home.... I’m not particularly interested in childcare and I’m happy to have hem around/ go everywhere BUT if I had the cash I’d throw it at cleaners, laundry services and a reliable babysitter for nights out with DH!

Other things that helped me were getting my groceries delivered and getting a milkman. The milk is a bit more expensive but it beats taking out a crying baby because you need a cuppa and have forgotten to buy some milk!

I would have had a cleaner too if I could have afforded it.

I would have if I could have....
Sounds very sensible given your situation, lack of family nearby.
Think it would be good whilst the baby is young and then a nursery setting with other children would be better.
I would probably opt for one long afternoon a week and one evening a week so you could go out with your partner.
Good luck TtC!!!

I have been on mn a long time and felt sad just now when I read comments about lazy op, lazy dh and his probable affairs. How unkind can you be? Luckily most people have been supportive. Op you and your dh sound lovely and hopefully soon you have a lovely baby and get the right help.

Meant to say why I said I'd been on mn for years. I don't think you would have had those comments years ago. There seems to be a lot of harsh mean posts nowadays. For no reason.

I don't think you would have had those comments years ago. There seems to be a lot of harsh mean posts nowadays. For no reason.

I agree completely. It's apparent when you look through old threads - the tone is completely different.

That's your husband saying 'don't expect my help‘

And that’s also your husband saying ‘make sure you keep up the same level of personal grooming and appearance once the baby is here’

Cynical but all too often true ...

HopeClearwater
" And that’s also your husband saying ‘make sure you keep up the same level of personal grooming and appearance once the baby is here' "

LOL

I'll be quite frank.. I only started going to the gym in the last 12 months and that was for my benefit, not my husband's. I only get bikini waxes for holidays or special occasions. I almost always paint my own nails. My husband always tells me I look more beautiful with no make up on. (FYI I'm not that hairy, I'm good at doing my own nails so I don't need to pay for it unless it's for a special occasion and I personally think I do need a bit of make up to look good he's just being kind .

And no he's not hinting that I SHOULD be doing more self grooming either. He genuinely loves me for me.

This thread has actually made me think about all of my husband's good qualities a lot more!

MerryInthechelseahotel Thanks for your kind words.
And thanks to everyone for commenting I really appreciate everyone's opinions.

Hi OP I’m a sahm and I live abroad with no family here. I didn’t have a nanny for my DS (sadly) but actually it wasn’t too bad. You get used to your new way of life and I made lots of friends with babies so I wasn’t lonely, but yes it can be isolating. Me time is weekends and evenings when DH is home.

I did put my DS in nursery 2 mornings a week from about age 18m. It was amazing to have that time to myself again. Now I have baby DD so I just have to deal with her on those days, but that seems like freedom compared to having toddler DS as well.

If you can afford it and you want it then go for it. It’s no different than dropping your kid off with granny for a few hours and no one would judge you for that!

Hey FernLove you do exactly what you want - and it is nice to hear your DH is a nice chap.

We tried it. My DH thought the same - no family to help, so he thought it would be a good idea to have someone part time.

The problem is that most nannies (understandably) either want a full time job, or will want something to fit around the 3/4 days they do for someone else. So you will struggle to get the flexibility of a few hours here and there over the week; you may have to go for one or two set full days. And most experienced nannies won’t want the mum around supervising. So again, your pool is narrower than you may think.

Long story short, but we did find someone who was supposedly flexible and happy to be a mother’s help. But it very quickly became obvious why she didn’t have a full time job somewhere else!! It wasn’t an arrangement that lasted very long.....

A friend of mine used a childminder, which seemed to work a lot better.

Wait until baby is born, I would have hated it! I don't really want me time, I want me and DC time.

I found being stuck at home (even with mum groups/coffees drop ins etc) with a baby very very hard, even moreso when I had my second. I'd have jumped at having some regular 'me time'.

If some want to do it all without help or a break then that's their decision as to what is best for them - no obligation on you to follow suit - do what is best for you.

I put mine in nursery 2 half days a week from 12 months. I used the time to clean the house, cut the lawn/rake leaves/weeding etc, walk dogs, and batch cook. I didn't have time to do anything much for myself, but the headspace was invaluable. DH was working long hours or working away so I did 100% of the childcare, and 100% of all domestic chores.

A friend had a nanny every day from 12 noon-6pm. She only had one dc. Yes I did judge. She spent the time in the gym, having her hair done etc. I guess I was also a tiny bit jealous. I was run ragged and she looked like she'd just stepped off the pages of Vogue.

wysteriafloribunba Gosh, every day... no wonder she looked like she'd stepped off the pages from Vogue!

I expect like your experience, "me time" would likely involve doing washing, cooking and cleaning etc. I unfortunately do not own a house with a lawn, or garden, or a second floor for that matter . I guess that means less work for me though!

GummyGoddess Maybe I will be like you, who knows!

NataliaOsipova I can certainly imagine it is a very narrow, shallow pool to find someone of good quality and experience to help for a few hours a week. That would be the struggle!

HopeClearwater Thanks very much

Caterina99 I think I would get used to it too if we couldn't find / afford extra help. It would be all I know. I have friends who already warn me how hard it will be without family (not helpful guys) and they don't know what they'd do without theirs. But thats the difference - I won't ever have mine and I already know I just have to get on with it and not rely on anyone.