"How to talk so kdis will listenand listen so kids will talk" - anyone want to go trhough this book?

[Porcupine]

and see hwat we think of it?

Its wuite heavy reading( not intellectually) just very close set type and lots of americna egs
But i reckon we cna do it.

lol@using this method with teens. Mine would chat back and keep on chatting - he loves a useless time-wasting discussion.

Not saying it's not a good method, empathy is good, but IME not all the time.

Have failed miserably today in that my usually confrontational moment with DS didn;t happen because DH got him dressed instead

I am definitely going to use the "I can see an x" on DH instead of "can you put x away".

Just going to look round now for ideas for when he gets home

I don;t feel I can move on from Chap 1 until I have had a chance to practice my technique a bit, sorry..

I am doing less childcare than usual due to bandaged foot but at least I have time to read long threads for a chnage

Can I ask a serious question, Miss?

Does the empathising thing work if instead of all the touchy-feely echoing, you just say does it?/is it?/really?, in a neutral tone? Because I can't do the "and how does that make you feel, sweetheart?" thing either.

will look later have folk here

frenchleave - obviously am just horribly enthusiastic student and not EXPERT but I don't think you ask them how they feel, you TELL them, which is quite different ime, you name the emotion. It's quite fun, especially if you're extravagant:
ds2 Aaaaagh, he switched channels, aaaaagh
Me You're feeling that you have no control over your life, you feel thwarted and frustrated because DS1 has the telly buttons.

Great fun, promise.

I think I love you too PAFC. I love your book for sure.

lol

100 how any hunderds of kdis do you have

300. Perhaps am using dd ds thing wrong, dd3, being third child, a daughter, not third in host of girl children in my house.

dd1 ( ofr hse is the first)

You're great. You know everything.

stop
i am starting to not liek you.

Yeah, fair enough. Let's just get on with the business of messing with our kids heads.

I did that today. I made them listen to the into of a song, in silence, to prove that I knew the first line of the lyrics.

They both gave me the old 'OMG she is off on one' look again!

lol

OK, I get the emotion-naming thing. But what do you do when they don't come up with their own solution spontaneously after all that "mmm"-ing and "I see"-ing? When they really need some guidance? Are we supposed to ignore that and let them work it out for themselves anyway? Even when advice is screaming around my head trying to get out of my mouth?

frenchleave - good question. Sounds like chapter 5 to me.

chapter 5 tomorrow

Am shocked PAFC. Was idly browsing threads, found one about a poor woman with a lippy four year old and thought ahah, now I can share with her some of my new-found wisdom and what do I find, PAFC dispensing solid sensible advice without a 'aha' or 'wouldn't be great if we could all be spoilt all the time' (I actually have some sympathy with that last statement). 'Send her to her room with a flea in her ear?' NO. 'Raise your voice'? NO. What were you thinking of?
I feel quite let down, actually.

lol
well she was a poof fgs

my dd isa madam
well fakring dont let her be

lol @ poof.
Might start new thread, called 'encapsulation thread' - your last would be the first post, swiftly followed by 'Panty Liners - for drips' etc etc.

OK NEW WEEK NEW TALKING
hwo is it going guys

Are the lessons starting again? We are not having much success with DS1 (I have heard of a book called "The Explosive Child" which I think might suit him) but tried just listening this morning as DS2 droned on and on about how much he didn't want to go to school and how evil it was and how we could teach him at home.

I have re-read the tips and would appreciate a summary of all the chapters before we move on!

Message withdrawn

Singersgirl - In the spirit of encapsulation; here is the digest version of what has been covered so far (with blinding results):
Accept your kids feelings.
Don't offer advice, say 'aha' 'uhuh' instead (we're all really really good at this bit).
Give feelings a name ('you're depressed and lonely' and give them a fantasy, 'but you'd like to be outrageously popular and ecstatic all the time'')
Don't nag, keep it simple, state the facts ie: 'ds2s neck is in ds1 hands' and then say how this makes you feel, 'tired and a little unnerved.'
Have alternatives to punishment - am a little unclear on this bit. We skipped it frankly, but there was something about a shopping trolley.
Encourage autonomy.
Never say NO. Have alternatives (stating the facts again). Can I dress up now? Dinner will be ready in 5 minutes.
Also something quite good about saying, when you're really stuck I think, 'Let me think about that.'

Does this help?