"How to talk so kdis will listenand listen so kids will talk" - anyone want to go trhough this book?

[Porcupine]

and see hwat we think of it?

Its wuite heavy reading( not intellectually) just very close set type and lots of americna egs
But i reckon we cna do it.

Right, DS was in bed at 7, had story, cuddles yadda yadda...

He has only just fallen asleep at 9:30 after numerous excuses to get out of bed, need my attention, all of which I respond with an mmmm or uha and put him back in bed...

After an hour of this he comes downstairs, refuses to go back up, I threaten removal of toy, he doesn't go up so toy conviscated for two days, he slams his bedroom door...this happens three times, last time resulting in me marching him to bed, shouting loudly that "IT'S BEDTIME NOW YOU HAVE TO STAY IN YOUR BED IF YOU GET OUT ONE MORE TIME I'LL BE VERY CROSS" que quivering lip and crying...but the shouting worked and I haven't seen him since.

So where the hell did I go wrong??? was trying to think how to handle the situation as a good parent, but in the end had meltdown anyway!! oh well, you win some you lose some

what should I try next time??

Yes, the techniques in this book do work and yes they work really well at first because you are 'behaving atypically'....

DD1 i want such and such
me: yes i can understand you would really like such and such but we're not going to have it now
DD! but i want it
me:imagine if you could have such and such whenever you wanted
DD1 but i want it now

oh feck off

and i wont have people speaking badly of 'Toxic Childhood' when they havent even read it. Yes, it is a horrible title i agree. But it does give lots of solutions to the problems it talks about.....so is anyone going to read it?

By RubyRioja on Wed 02-May-07 21:02:22

Pick up from school

'can we go to play at x's house'
'not today, we have ballet class and x is going out'
'but I want to do to x's'
'I understand you want to go to x's, i cnatbe in tow places at the same time( you missed out he fantay bit here)
'you never let me do anything. You are evil'
THIS IS TYPICAL DD RETORT
BOYS DONT DO THIS - As a teacher we were taught girsl often come bakc wiht a peronalised result

climbin walsl
i htink chapter one was dealing wiht feeligns which your ds wasnt really
so we will moev on tot hat.
mayeb reread my posts from today - the descreibe ones

no lalaehce its "i want a bratz dolL"

you " aha hmm"
i really want it

i hear that you want it which one woudl you haev

the tarty one

if iw as a girl id haev my WHOLE room bratzy

etc

yes iw as
i preferred teachign the really naughty boys
my best ever achievemtn was fro paul griffiths hwo has to this day no other qualification apart from a C in history.

last seen diggin up M6
i loved teachign him.

hmm well it was a clsoe call
i taught nutty we think

hmm well it was a clsoe call
i taught nutty we think

hmmm yep maybe the night time battle doesn't really come under any of these scenarios and solutions...

will be resorting to a sticker chart (again...how dull) I think to crack this problem.

Other than that the tips here work a treat, have been doing them for a while now and it definately avoids unnecessary battles and tantrums etc ,and can be done while oding other more interesting things too ("uha hmmm yes dear" while on MN!!)

yes i ma deffo using hem more
ti sliek positive teachign
when you haev the ENERGY its fine

erm 2 years now
amno longer new gal
and will soon no longer be youngest

I love "describe what you see" technique - it's my fall back for when I'm really about to blow my top. I reckon it works about 7 times out of 10 in this household too.

me [said through gritted teeth]: well, bedtime's in ten minutes and I see that you've tipped out the contents of EVERY toy drawer downstairs and built a tower out of them.
ds1 and ds2 grin sheepishly.
me [walks out and counts to about 600, practising breathing techniques, comes back in]: Oh, well done. I see that you've picked up one drawer and put half the cars away. [go away again]

Didn't get it all tidy again, but at least they didn't go into sulky meltdown and I didn't rant at them and end up doing it all myself. In my book, that's a result.

i agree rd

( vis a vis maggin if you want any tuips cat me - have tow succesfful candidate s under belt htis year)

erm yes but outraged middle calss are much mroe fun.( and more likely to rememerb you)

any success otday?

Hmm I think this point has been missed:

CristinaTheAstonishing "I went to a workshop once where we discussed whether it's a good idea to give children the language for some of their feelings and whether it wasn't putting (negative) ideas into their heads."

I wonder if I keep saying to DD "Gosh you must be so disappointed that X", she will sink into a Disappointed Gloom and if she hears this several times a day she will listening to the Smiths by the time she is 5

What do you think?

i rekcon you can oevr egg it deffo

but i think any kdi who has an oucne of emotional literacy will find life easier to deal wiht

Not in my experience, mp. I found it gave them words to describe what they were feeling.

ds1 will quite happily tell me he found something "disappointing" or "frustrating" whereas previously he'd have gone off in a sulk. By sympathising with him and giving him words to deal with it, somehow it diffused it.

Am finding this thread really useful cod, ta. Read the book ages ago, but I really do need a refresher - have slipped into bad habits.

I tend to use the phrase "you sound..." or "you must be..." which felt a bit less fake than the book examples.

And I'll just as often use "you sound really proud of yourself" or "you must be really excited" as much as the negative stuff.