Anyone else not going to baby groups?

[pemberleypearl]

I have a 6 month old DD. I don't go to any groups. I'm quite introverted and have absolutely no desire to make small talk with a bunch of women who I'd only be talking to because they also have a baby. My mum though thinks I should go because DD will enjoy being with other babies. I do worry about that but can't seem to get over my feelings. Anyone else feel this way?

I've got to say that I don't ever think other mum's are wrong for doing things differently to me.

I never went to any baby groups. Didn't do my kids any harm they both at uni now. I did few playgroup sessions when my son 2and l was on maternity leave. I hated it. He quite liked it but his dad was a sahd and wouldn't go after l went back to work. Babies do not need to socialise with other babies, if you don't want any more friends don't bother. I found when l had babies l didn't enough time to see my friends let alone trying to make more based on the fact we had kids the same age.

I went to a few with my first, I thought they were really boring tbh, with my second I didn't bother. Having said that I did make a few friends through NCT who are still good friends now. Don't think the baby groups are necessary for the baby though, it's more for the adults.

If your happy with your routine and dont feel lonely/claustophobic then dont worry about it. Im very introvert but did go to some and found them useful for me and loved seeing him learn new things plus he had colic so I did baby massage for this reason. Classes are good as structured, you go, do the class then leave. I would struggle with just a free for all! But as for socialising - as others have said they arnt interested at 6months, they dont have the cognition to understand the concept yet xx

Id simply say, go to a couple of different types to see what you think. Until you visit a couple you won't know if you'd enjoy them or not. If it's not your thing, then fine you do t have to go back, but it just might be there's something out there you would like.

There are a huge variety of things - from the toddler group in a Church/village hall which might cost £1 and just be free play basically, to the expensive, structured course - although most of these offer a free trial so you can see if you like it.

OP, do you have any contacts/friends who are Mums? If so, you could go along to something with one of those if you prefer not to try alone. If you already meet with another mum or couple of friends anyway, then perhaps you don't need to go to anything else as you're already getting the contact.

If you don't have any contacts at all in a similar position, personally I think you could easily become very isolated.....its just something to be aware of and even if it's not easy or appealing to you, it might be worth pushing yourself to try a couple of things, just to see. Do you have contacts with babies? If not, how do you feel about yourself and baby not having these kind of contacts until they enter pre-school etc?

Sorry just saw that you said you don't have or want mummy friends.

Do you think you'll still be saying that when your baby is a pre-schooler and then at school? In the early stages, all their socialising of course happens through parents organising it and via the adult friendships. If you don't want to have anything to do with other parents, then it will be very difficult for your child to socialise at the points when it does become important. It is quite true that for babies it really doesn't matter. Many people though do find that the mums they make contact with when their children are babies, are the people they stay in touch with - not everyone, but many do. Although lots of people report finding it hard to go to baby groups etc, they also often say that this stage is often the easiest to meet people, because lots of people are in a. New stage and so open to it, even if it doesn't always appear so.

No one needs to become a massive socialite with a regimented schedule of groups and activities if it's not their thing. However, to never have a chat with another woman who is going through a similar phase to yourself and to never see another baby doesn't sound entirely healthy or positive to me. It really does sound quite isolating. And the reason Health Visitors can seem pushy about groups etc is because they know from experience that it's not good for parents to become isolated.

Don't just think about now.....think about the time in a year or three years or four years and how you are going to feel about and interact (or not) with other people then. Even if it has no appeal to you, think about your child and the impact on them. Sometimes being a parent means we have to push ourselves to do things we don't really want to. I would think that having some kind of contact with other parents might be one of these areas for you OP. Doesn't have to be a t a group, but could be. Could simply be having a coffee with another mum or dropping into a SureStart centre coffee morning.

Meh. I went to plenty when ds was tiny. I suppose it got me out the house but he got nothing out of it and I failed to make friends - the not making friends made me feel anxious like I was losing the opportunity to establish a group throughout his childhood.

Anyway once back to work, I couldn't fit in any groups and wasn't arsed. However I went on Mush and connected with another mum who I get on great with and our kids are same age. We meet up regularly and both my son and I benefit from it.

Don't sweat it. But also don't be offended by people suggesting groups, it's well meaning as those early days can often be shit and isolating.

I did baby massage when mine was 12 weeks, more because I hadn't left the house alone much at that point. I didn't really speak to anyone though. My daughter is 13 months now and I've been to one class since with my SIL. I didn't feel comfortable there at all and didn't really see the appeal. I tend to just walk to the park/down the canal/go for coffee with friends.

I have good friends through work and a lot of family nearby so didn't really feel the isolation I think some people feel. I'm also not maternal and don't really want to talk about babies, which is an obvious conversation starter as it's something people definitely have in common at baby groups! It hasn't done my daughter harm so far.

Very good points raised. Dropping into a coffee morning etc really isn't me. I can socialise and am good at making acquaintances I think. I just don't have a desire to be close with many people.

I don't mean to drop feed - I've just been honesyly reading each post and closely examining my social interactions especially where they concern my DD. There is one mum I know from school who I don't meet with but would stop and chat if I saw her in the street. I know lots of people at church who love my DD but there's only been a couple of babies born in our parish this year I believe so most mum's have school aged children but when my DD is nursery or school age she can socaise that way (the parish is also attached to the school where I hope to send DD).

I don't think my DD will be held back in terms of socialization BUT I acknowledge I will probably have to endure lots of small talk.

I am a deeply antisocial person (that sounds terrible, I'm not rude or belligerent, but I much prefer my own company and the company of people I've got to know over the course of years (by osmosis)).

When DD was five weeks old I started going to baby groups, from 5 weeks to 11 months old we went to two baby groups a week, baby sensory, music classes, swimming etc.

Until she was four months old or so, she couldn't have cared less where she was, or what we were doing - those classes were definitely for me. From four months on, she seemed to actually enjoy the classes, smiling and clapping, and bouncing up and down to the music.

I've met one person I'd actually call a 'friend' at these groups, but their real benefit is giving me loads of people who I say 'hello' to as we pass in the street, or stop for a chat with if we meet in the park. I found maternity leave pretty overwhelming, so that sense of community and commonality was really helpful to me. DD is now 14 months old and is at nursery four days a week, when we're walking through town on one of my days off, I still run into people I met at baby groups, and still stop for a little chat, and that's actually really nice (especially living in London where it's all too easy to be anonymous).

Op, as you are an introvert you will need to get used to people disbelieving that you don’t want to do groups. They will assume, as some have done on this thread, that you are boring, sneering, stuck up , shy, selfish, damaging your child etc .

Many extroverts just can’t accept that not everyone is like them. It’s very narrow minded but that how some of them are. However That’s their problem and not yours.

There is not a shred of evidence that your baby will suffer from socialising with only you and your extended family until they go to nursery at 3.

So you do exactly as what suits you. You might like to try some of the low key groups that others have mentioned, just to see if you like them. Or just go to none.

I am also an introvert and have managed to raise 4 children without going to any baby or toddler groups and none of them seem to have suffered because of it.

I felt exactly the same initially. I’m lucky enough that one of my best friends and my sister in law are both off work with their babies at the time so I felt like I got out of the house enough. However, when my son hit 6 months I felt it was really hard work to entertain him at home. So I started taking him the to the local playgroups and I we both love going now - we go three times a week! The different environment and toys etc are great for him and he has some little friends and I’ve made new friends too. He’s 8 months now and has just started to crawl so again, having the space and different things to explore is great.

Thanks Kr1st1na :)

It's so personal isn't it and depends on so many factors. Some people are extroverts, some people feel isolated, some want structure with a baby etc. Not me! :) But I'm very glad groups exist for people who want them.

I don't think it's a problem if you are happy as things are. I am an introvert and didn't take ds1 to anything other than song time at the library, I was happy with this as I knew when I went back to work he would interact with other children at nursery and when with my mum I wanted to make most of our time together. It hasn't done any harm he is the most sociable 7yo he makes friends wherever he goes. I have a ds who is 5mo and we haven't done anything yet but I am thinking about it as he won't be going to nursery but I am only going to do it in what I know will be my day off work as any friends I made with ds one soon disappeared when we went back to work as we all had different days off. Do what's right for you anything else will cause you more stress don't worry what anyone else says

My kids are teenagers now but the mums and dads I met via a 6 week postnatal group organised by the local health team are still my friends to this day. It really helps when they're little having kids the same age and going through the same things at the same time. I also did a couple of mum and toddler groups later on and hated every minute. My son was a day nursery 3 days a week and socialised a lot there; I found a lot of the mums at the groups very judgy about my work choices. But in the first 3 or 4 months being able to compare notes with other first time mums was great.

I suffered badly with PND and I started going to a class when my baby was 6 weeks old because I needed to be out.
It was horrible.
My baby either cried, had a bottle, or slept through the whole thing. I was so uncomfortable sat on the floor my poor vag had taken such a battering and it was still hurting. The other mums did indeed sit in their little cliques and natter and I did attempt to join in but couldn’t relate to anyone at all.
The group leader knew I had PND and at the end sort of made me sit with a group of mums. I felt like the new kid in school at lunchtime. It was bad.

Every time I went after that my lo just cried and cried because it interrupted his feeding/napping times etc. Neither of us enjoyed it.
I felt like more of a failure afyer that because the mums were so different to me and I couldn’t connect at all.
It’s just me and my lo now until the end of mat leave and I love going for walks with him and showing him birds etc. He gets plenty of stimulation from me, toys, dh and family.
Theres such a weird pressure on new mums to get out, i think what hv’s don’t realise is that they definately don’t work well for a lot of people, and new mums should be left to discover things at their own pace!

I think the original poster sounds extremely selfish and the sooner she realises that for at least the next 18 years her childs needs may need to come before her own preferences she will be better off. I have met mums who don’t want to socialise like this and they usually have the personality of a dry sponge that said she should make the effort. And for people who say ‘ oh I went to a baby group and no one talked to me ‘ well did you make any effort to talk to people?

Thanks Boomerangs. I assure you that I am quite capable of putting my childs needs before my own which is why everyone who has met me and DD in real life has no concerns about my parenting. Again I must say - it is necessary to assume someone you don't know on the internet is a bad parent? Why not assume I love my DD and offer your opinion nicely?

I also don't think I have the personality of a dry sponge but hey ho I'm clearly not your type.

Jeez OP I don't know why you're getting such a hard time. I am extroverted and loved baby groups, but it's not like it's the law you have to go!

Your baby will be fine. They are only little for a short time. Spend it doing things you enjoy doing with them! I'm sure you'll be perfectly capable of noticing when they are ready for more socialisation.

I really don't think there was any need for that Boomerang. Being an introvert in no way means you don't put your childrens' needs first?!

FWIW I've met many mums who do like to socialise and don't find their personalities great. To each their own.

I started taking my eldest to as many as I could when she was mobile. That way you get a bit of time where they are trashing somewhere other than your house! With any luck you get them worn out enough to take a nap. Youngest has been dragged along pretty much since birth and doesn't give a shit about any of it yet.

"That way you get a bit of time where they are trashing somewhere other than your house! With any luck you get them worn out enough to take a nap."

Wise words :)

I can’t say I’ve really made any new friends through the groups I’ve taken my LG to. Just acquaintances. The classes I’ve been to have been activity based so there’s not a big push for small talk and it doesn’t feel awkward. I do think they’ve been enjoyable and have taught her things and I think socialising is good for her development generally.
At the end of the day what you do is completely up to you. It can be quite a lonely time though so make sure you’ve got a couple of good supports.
You may find once your little one is a bit older they need a bit more to keep them occupied so you do more classes to save your sanity!
If you are looking for something I recommend rhythm and rhyme at the library. Activity focussed and free in most areas.

Relax Boomerangs there are lots of different ways of being a good parent!

A relaxed happy mum is what's best for a baby. OP do whatever makes you feel relaxed and happy

They'll never see me at a baby group ever. I usually have nothing to say to these people because we have nothing in common apart from the baby. I just don't enjoy socialising for the sake of it. And I work (at home) so I don't spend my time on crap things.

LO loves it when we meet up with friends (who we like) and I think that's much better for her to see than awkward conversation because you have been thrown together at random.