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Parenting

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Original poster

Getting back together after domestic violence

87 replies

Lilmc · 20/10/2017 09:53

Hi I was wondering if anyone has had a successful reconciliation with an ex after 1 domestic violence incident.

If so what do social services do? What did they say?

In no way do i want to risk losing my dd but I do want us to be a happy family.

I am doing the freedom programme and only started talking to ex again about being a family again we have both grew up and I feel he has changed.

Will social services allow us to be together again and leave us alone?

OP posts:

Notreallyarsed · 20/10/2017 09:54

If SS know about the incident they will be involved because there is a history of violence, which puts your DD and you at risk.

They don’t change. They look like they do, they act and sound like they do, but they don’t. Believe me.

Pansiesandredrosesandmarigolds · 20/10/2017 09:57

This really does not seem a good idea.

Sirzy · 20/10/2017 09:58

Do you really think you can play happy families with someone who is violent?

I very much doubt SS will be very happy with it but more importantly do you think you could be happy long term? Or would you be worried every time you had even the slightest disagreement?

BucksFrizz · 20/10/2017 10:06

Op, he tried to bite your finger off and stamped on your head. You need to protect yourself and your daughter and you can't do this if you get back together.

abbsisspartacus · 20/10/2017 10:08

Social services will protect your child and if that means removal then they will and I would be surprised if there has only been one incident if he bit and stamped on you that seems severe for a first offence

KalaLaka · 20/10/2017 10:10

He hasn't changed. Don't do it!

The happy family You dream of can be you and DD. You don't need him there to 'complete' it.

I made the same massive mistake. You can cause so much damage to DD and to yourself, plus he might not leave easily. Please don't.

CotswoldStrife · 20/10/2017 10:10

Your family is not happy, it's violent.

You need to put your daughter's safety first here, not to mention your own. If not - and it looks like you won't - SS will look out for your daughter, thankfully. That still leaves you exposed to the violence though. Is that worth losing your daughter over?

BriechonCheese · 20/10/2017 10:10

Was it reported to the police.

Personally - my mother did the same and I haven't seen her in years because she made me feel unsafe in my childhood.

KalaLaka · 20/10/2017 10:11

Focus on the freedom programme and finish it. Don't discuss getting back together for a few months: keep focused on the course.

sinceyouask · 20/10/2017 10:12

He won't have changed.

He will attack you again.

You and your dd deserve better.

I think you know exactly what social services' response would be.

ArchieStar · 20/10/2017 10:15

OP, I have no idea about your history but I wouldn't do it. My DSis got back with her ex several times before finally leaving him for good... my DN is still troubled by what he saw over half a decade ago.

Original poster

Lilmc · 20/10/2017 10:16

I know it sounds so stupid but I am struggling to let go after 9 years of being happy until he did attack me...

OP posts:

Original poster

Lilmc · 20/10/2017 10:16

I know it sounds so stupid but I am struggling to let go after 9 years of being happy until he did attack me...

OP posts:

Seeyamonday · 20/10/2017 10:17

Don't do it!! I went back (or rather I took him back, it was my house), massive error in judgement, they do not change, oh they promise, they cry but they don't change!! I ended up handing my keys back to the mortgage holder and fled with my children, he had started to threaten them!! JUST DON'T DO IT!!!

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 20/10/2017 10:18

I am doing the freedom programme

Are you sure you’re understanding the programme properly. The clue is in the name. It’s the freedom programme!

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 20/10/2017 10:21

If so what do social services do? What did they say?

Why don’t you ask your social worker what they will do if you get back with your ex. This is something you should be telling them is on the cards. Your daughter is the priority here.

AndrewJames · 20/10/2017 10:22

3 days ago you were waiting for SS risk assesment, he has been charged and is allowed no contact with your child. And you had only just made an appt for the freedom programme, so you haven't even started it?

If you let him back now you will probably lose your child.

Original poster

Lilmc · 20/10/2017 10:27

I understand all this I am just trying to go through the different scenarios going through my head and outcomes possible with social services ...risk assessment has been done and he is allowed contact with child and I have had first appointment with freedom project.

OP posts:

RubbishMum82 · 20/10/2017 10:28

Please don't. My ex was violent to me when pregnant, was jailed and went through anger management, personal counselling and a court ordered domestic abuse programme - and still did not change. Sure he did not physically abuse me again, but he just found other ways to break me down, he continuously mentally and emotionally abused me instead, luckily by then I was wise to it and dumped his ass, now have nothing to do with him and our lives are so much better for it. There were years of wanting to give him another chance while everyone warned me not to. I thought they were all ignorant man haters for not believing that people can change. He used to bitch with me for hours about it. Thought it was just a cliché.. Now I realise it's not.
. I finally broke free and wish I had listened to people earlier

It sounds extreme what he did to you, too.

Notreallyarsed · 20/10/2017 10:28

SS are looking for a parent who will put their child’s needs above their own, prioritising their child’s wellbeing above their own wants.

Can you hand on heart say that’s what you’re doing? Honestly?

NoCryLilSoftSoft · 20/10/2017 10:31

When was the attack OP?

Original poster

Lilmc · 20/10/2017 10:33

A month ago. I am not saying I want back into the relationship right now I was wondering for the future and what social services would do. Who knows I may not even care about in a few months time....

OP posts:

TeachesOfPeaches · 20/10/2017 10:34

If you choose to stay in a violent relationship then you are choosing NOT to protect your child from violence. This can end up with your child being forcibly removed from you and adopted without your consent. Think carefully OP.

Notreallyarsed · 20/10/2017 10:36

What is best for you and your child is to stay separate from this man, to make sure you’re both safe and free from fear.
Having escaped an abusive marriage I am militant about our home being my kids’ safe place. Nobody gets to change that, not ever. They deserve a safe, happy, loving home.

So do you and your DD.

RubbishMum82 · 20/10/2017 10:37

Social services take it extremely seriously and were not pleased with the fact I was even considering working on a relationship with him. They put all my kids on the child protection register including my unborn baby. They only took them off and let me be once I escaped the relationship for good.

Can you arrange his contact with kids through the contact centre? Are you in touch with him at the moment or are there bail conditions restricting it?

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