Getting back together after domestic violence

[Lilmc]

Hi I was wondering if anyone has had a successful reconciliation with an ex after 1 domestic violence incident.

If so what do social services do? What did they say?

In no way do i want to risk losing my dd but I do want us to be a happy family.

I am doing the freedom programme and only started talking to ex again about being a family again we have both grew up and I feel he has changed.

Will social services allow us to be together again and leave us alone?

OP I'm sorry but you won't be a happy family with him. He will not change. The only thing that will happen if you get together is there will be a high possibility that your DD will be taken away.

And what happens as your daughter gets older and she does something to annoy him? How will you project her from being on the receiving end?

I am not willing to get back into the relationship unless I know steps have been made for him for the violence not to be repeated....
I do want to protect my child and I am cautious of this

You can't protect your child in any way when you are in a relationship with someone who is violent. Simply being in the relationship means that your child is at risk

A month!! Get him out of your head. You have your priorities messed up. You need to be having counselling, completing the freedom programme and if necessary getting counselling for your child. You need to be planning a life as a single parent. You need to be caring for your daughter, making sure she is coping with her new life. He should not even be a consideration. Go forward as if he doesn’t exist.

Why do you want a relationship with someone who is violent? I wouldn’t want him anywhere near me.

ONE month?
Ffs op. I thought you were talking about years.

Consider your daughter in 15 years time telling you she was getting back together with the man who assaulted her. What would you say to her? What if she had a child? Would you think she was protecting her child?

I was the child whose mother went back, and back.

I hated her for 20 years.

You need help, you need to see that you have been mentally abused into thinking you love your abuser. I have nothing but compassion for you, but for the sake of yourself and your kids, get help.

I'm afraid OP the fact that you are even asking that question would raise massive alarm bells for social services. It shows a lack of understanding of the severity of the incident and also of the impact of this incident (and potential future incidents) on your child. You are already minimising the incident, after only one month, and despite what you say, this attitude is not putting your child first. Do the Freedom programme, listen to what they tell you, and stay a long long way away from him.

I have been exactly where you are and what people are saying here is not what you want to hear but it is true.

You deserve better. He will not change. There are NO 'steps' which will ensure the violence won't be repeated except making sure he never 'steps' foot in your home again.

Don't let him back in your life. I know first hand how hard it is when you share a child and he will be breathing down your neck most probably, trying to pressure you, but cut all contact with him and arrange contact through a third party if that's what it takes. Even get a restraining order. There is a bright future out there for you and your child without this man, without the constant fear of violence and social services.

You're doing the Freedom Programme but was is HE doing to evidence change?

You don’t need evidence of his change. Please don’t set this as a condition of getting back together. Stop thinking “when he has done X we can get back together”

You need to change your mindset to “our relationship is over, he will not be in my home again, I need to protect myself and my daughter.”

Don’t do it OP. You’re chasing a dream which doesn’t exist. Build a new and better reality for you and your dd!

Well... good luck with that.

It got worse for me.
Yeah, I drank my own 'I just wanna be a family ' Kool Aid. Instead, I exposed my most precious child to more violence and aggression. Well done me. I left with DS after a month and never looked back, ever.

He won't change.He won't learn. If you go back, he'll win. That's how he'll see it. And oh man he will resent you for all that you're going through now. He will not let this go. He is violent. Violent people don't have the capacity to look within and think, "Huh. My behaviour led to my losing contact with the most important people in my life." Instead he'll look at YOU and think, "That conniving bitch broke up my family AND got Social Services involved." His behaviour is why you're here with SS and the rest of the mess. But he won't own that or really be sorry for this. He'll fake it for a while but when he can fake it no more, you'll know and so will your DC(s).

You might have to learn the hard way. I did.

There are lots of women on here who have gone back after violence. It never works out. Best case scenario they get away years later after years of oppression.
Worst case scenario (short of being killed) they and their children live a life of misery, the children end up in care or hating their mother for not protecting them.

I can't see an upside, myself.

He hasn't learnt or grown up, he's just learned to mask it better. He's hardly been tested, has he?

It's so easy in this situation to think social services are the enemy, and it's you and him vs them. But it's an illusion. He is the enemy. He is the reason they are involved at all.

He goes? ss will go.

He stays? Your child will most likely go, into foster care.

You'll do something minor to anger him, he's had a few drinks, there will be another incident...
This is your golden chance to get out girl. While you have all the authorities on your side to help you arrange counselling, restraining orders, and contact through a contact centre. They're there to help you and your family. Use them, take the chance to be free. There's no happy ending with this violent man x

You will never be a happy family and you are subjecting your child to violence. SS
WILL intervene.

Stay away.

Btw your DD isn’t just at risk of being witness to or victim of his abuse, she is also at risk of becoming an abuser herself if it is what she is raised with. That’s your call.

OP I grew up in the days when the police would take my dad to the drunk tank for hitting my mum and then let him out the next day. She couldn’t/didn’t protect us because by staying with him she prioritised her needs (to be with the man she loved) over her children’s needs to be safe and grow up in a house where they weren’t scared, nervous and exposed to violence.

I haven’t spoken to my “dad” in five years. I barely speak to my mother.

I would rather be miserable and lonely and have my DC safe than “happy” with the man I love and ruin my DCs life.

If you go back to this man you are being selfish and putting yourself first. You might believe he’s changed and is a good dad, provider etc (all the things we tell ourselves to convince us we aren’t bad parents) but it’s bullshit.

This man is an abuser.

If you go back you will be a bad mother and a selfish one to boot.

Don’t do it

Ask Social Services what they will say

The stage you are at, including more concerned about getting back with this man who was violent to you and has been denied contact with your child, added to that this sounds to be your priority instead of actually starting the Freedom Programme and also prioritising your DD, then the answer will be that yes, its very likely they will remove your child (thankfully) for her own protection

Then it can be you and him only, if you like

But I guess you know that which is why you're asking here in the ope that there is a way to have this man back, any little loophole you can find. I don't think you'll find what you're looking for tho

Please learn from my very bitter experience.

If you take him back, at ANY point, what you are telling him is that you are prepared to be beaten, bitten, stamped on and worse. You are telling him that it is okay. That you deserve it. That you agree.

HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Do not go back.

Oh, and to answer your question, yes, you will in all likelihood, have your child removed.

I have a friend who tried this. He knocked her out in front of the kids and worse.

Please don't think you'll be any different. You deserve so much better.

You have both grown up in a month? congratulations. sorry, that sounds mean, but the very fact that you can write it means it hasn't happened.

You are going through a metamorphosis, from being a couple to being single, from being abused to being safe, from being subservient to being independent. Change is hard, there are bound to be times when you think you can't do it and that anything is better than pushing on, even being physically and emotionally hurt . But it is worth it, what you are feeling is a blip, you need someone in RL to give you a boost, encourage you to continue, to be strong, remember WHY you are putting yourself through it. You are doing it for your future and more importantly for your child's future. If you haven't got someone in RL then keep this thread, read through it, it is full of good advice.

One thing strikes me in your original post. you say you want to be a family. You are a family, you and your child, because families come in all shapes and sizes, and two people is fine! What is important in a family is trust, love, honesty and security. I think you can give your daughter those, but can you honestly say that she would get them if your ex was back in your lives?