Getting back together after domestic violence

[Lilmc]

Hi I was wondering if anyone has had a successful reconciliation with an ex after 1 domestic violence incident.

If so what do social services do? What did they say?

In no way do i want to risk losing my dd but I do want us to be a happy family.

I am doing the freedom programme and only started talking to ex again about being a family again we have both grew up and I feel he has changed.

Will social services allow us to be together again and leave us alone?

The point is OP you cannot control this. You are not responsible for managing the situations and environment which lead to your partner being violent and you are fooling only yourself if you think you can prevent it from happening again. You will be wholly at his mercy. The only way you can is by never ever returning to him.

Ffs! This creature STAMPED ON YOUR HEAD among other things and you’re considering taking him back?

I can’t say what I want to say because I’d end up banned so..... please, OP for the sake of your child, inform SS that you’re considering taking back the man who stamped on your head. Hopefully they’ll get your poor DD out of there.

WOW! I just found your other thread

“On the 30th of September I was assaulted by my partner of 9 years. He tried to bite my finger off stamped on my head and hit me across the face”

Keep repeating those two sentences to yourself every time you even think of letitng him cross your doorstep.

My sister is a psychologist in a women's refuge. She also councils the male abusers who legally have to attend intensive group counselling. She says very few are truthfully remorseful and the vast majority do not see what they've done as a problem (despite saying they do). She has heard and seen some horrific things and what stood out to me was her saying that some women only leave once it becomes life threatening to them or their children.

Some rehabilitate fully. A tiny percentage.

16/10
Thanks very much. I don't know what I want at the minute but obviously if he is not allowed to be around her then I will always choose my daughter.
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OP.* Above is what you wrote on your last thread when you were asking about SS involvement.

Remember the last 6 words. Because at the moment, even considering getting back with him, you aren't standing by them.

When your DD gets older and hormonal and starts answering him back, being awkward, etc, how do you think he will react? My DDs drive me up the wall, but if my DP had done what yours has, I could never feel safe or relaxed, I would always worry he would do the same to her.

If your DD sees this violence, she will be being harmed psychologically.

If she knows you stay with a man who does this, she will be being set up for the same life.

Cut contact with him while you complete the freedom programme. There will never be anything he can do to prove he has changed: at all times, assume he hasn't.

Lilmc it sounds as though you have had a horrible time. It must be so hard feeling alone while you're trying to come to terms with all this. Do you have supportive friends or family to talk to or who could look after you a bit?

No matter what the eventual outcome with your ex it is definitely better for all of you that you and your dc have some distance from him at the moment. I urge you to put the idea of getting back with him on ice at least until you have completed the freedom programme

Leaving him for good will be the hardest but ultimately best thing that you can do for you and your daughter. If you take him back you are basically telling him (and your daughter) that he can do whatever he likes to you without any real consequences. And if he knows he can get away with this, what's he going to do next?

I was in an abusive relationship as a teenager and I know full well how hard it is to get out of this sort of situation. It was the best thing I ever did, please, please, let it be the best thing you do as well. It took me a long time to realise that, although part of him loved me, he also hated me, because how could anyone possibly do that to someone without hating them? It hard to hear, but the same is true for you. He must really hate you to be capable of doing that. You and your daughter deserve so much better. Now is the time for you to move on, build a new life, and find happiness.

Think of your daughter's childhood and how she will approach relationships as she gets older. Do you want her to see her mother choosing to go back to a violent relationship? Do you want her to accept that as normal?

You need strength and focus, don't do this.

In no way do i want to risk losing my dd but I do want us to be a happy family.

It won't be a happy family. It will shape your DD's entire life - for the worse - if you go back to an abuser.

If your DD, when she grew up, went back to a man who had physically attacked her, would you feel happy about it? I can't imagine you would. Show the same consideration for yourself, and also give your DD the best chance of not seeing domestic abuse as a model for family life: stay away from him.

Please don’t do this op. It will not end well. Believe me I know. This could result in you losing your child.

Please please please stay away from this man. If not for your sake, your DDs. She deserves better. And so do you. If you take him back after he has hurt you, you are giving him your approval to do it again.

You cannot ‘grow up’ in a month. Social services are not just going to wander off and leave you to it if you get back with him. They will want to monitor you very closely and will R.E.M.

Will remove your children if they think your ex is a threat. Finish the freedom programme you need to understand that this cycle of violence and remorse is very common. Of course he says he is sorry but it will happen again.

One month is no time at all

The very fact that you would even consider putting your child back in this situation demonstrates that you have no real insight into the risk of harm and children’s services will, quite rightly, question your ability to protect your child and put a protection plan in place which may ultimately result in her being removed from your care.

Please, please think about what this will be teaching your child about where she sits in your list of priorities and about how you are modelling what she should expect in her adult relationships.

You BOTH deserve better

How on earth can someone grow up in a month?! A man who can try and bite your finger off and stamp on your head will always be a man who might do it again.
Or do it to your child next time. Are you really willing to jeopardise your child's life, safety and future happiness just because you still have feelings for this creature?

I think you need to ask yourself why you want this and why you don't think you deserve better. You can't possibly like let alone love a man who has shown such violence towards you. Are you sure you are not seeking a reunion simply because it's familiar and that familiarity is conforming when your world has understandably been turned upside?

Comforting*

I went back. Social services took my children. My dd has never truly forgiven me and our relationship now is awful.

Are you actually being serious? Did you not listen to any of the advice on the other thread?

He STAMPED on your head!!! Who does that? He had no thought for your safety - your life - and you're thinking about taking him back? What does he actually need to do to you before you say no more?

If you take him back I hope social services keep a very, very close eye on you. You are choosing to have a violent man in your home, around your child. A man who assaulted you while your child slept in the next room. You are putting your own desperate need for a relationship before your child's welfare and that is disgraceful.

Please read this article from my local paper this week. 3 women gone and poor children left with no parents.
www.manchestereveningnews.co.uk/news/greater-manchester-news/farkhanda-younis-murdered-police-watchdog-13786044

This post might seem harsh but the words of advice and encouragement on your last thread seem to have gone over your head. Your daughter deserves a peaceful home more than you deserve a man in your bed.

I don’t think there’s such a thing as “too harsh” when it comes to someone choosing to let an abuser back into her child’s life.

Here is a lonely traumatised woman desperate to feel like someone's on her side. Her abusive husband is hoovering away looking like he's that person. If everyone on here just shouts at her, how is that supposed to help her feel supported enough to break away from him?

OP ring up women's aid. Tell your dr you need a referral for counselling. There are people out there who will listen and help without judging you. You can do this

A month is bo way near long enough for him to grow up.

Besides which he doesnt need to grow up. Dv isnt the result of immaturity.