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Parenting

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Original poster

No bond at 12 months. :(

127 replies

RozfromFraisier · 15/09/2017 20:13

DD is our second, we have a 3 year old who I absolutely adore with all my heart.

I just feel very little towards her. Never have. I wasn't too worried in the early days/months, but am concerned now. It's going on a bit long, isn't it?

What if I never love her very much? She's a nice kid, her Dad really enjoys her. She should have a Mum who enjoys her too.

I can't admit this to a living soul.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

dreamyflower · 15/09/2018 19:26

😊😊😊😊

Gemstonemama · 15/09/2018 19:26

Op, you are amazing and brave and inspiring, just read your whole thread and I'm moved to tears - you are a wonderful mummy! I'm an ocd and PND sufferer, and you've filled me with hope

mashpot · 15/09/2018 20:03

Thanks so much for updating, really wonderful of you to do that for other women who will read your story. Delighted you are enjoying your super family. All the best.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Families General parenting

Bananamanfan · 15/09/2018 20:16

Amazing thread, op. Such a beautiful update, op.

sohypnotic · 15/09/2018 20:42

GoodHeavensNoImAChicken · 15/09/2018 20:49

This is amazing and I’m so happy for you and your family

Alwaysatyke · 15/09/2018 20:56

I didn't see this first time around but reading the whole thing now is just fabulous, I'm so overwhelmed by your amazing progress and i hope you feel rightly proud of your outcome. Your family is very lucky to have you!

Is it at all appropriate to nominate this for classics? From the number of posters agreeing with OP there are obviously many people affected by this and looking for advice, and reading this outcome when you're feeling at your lowest could be truly life-changing

userblah · 15/09/2018 20:58

Best thread and update EVER on mn. So happy for you. You did it! You got there and you didn't give up
X

Tryingforsleepthief2 · 15/09/2018 21:11

A friend talked to the health visitor on Thursday about feeling down and struggling and some possible ocd symptoms and struggling to bond with her 6 month old. She has a counselling appointment on Wednesday it was dealt with quicker because she went through HV.
Can you speak to yours rather than GP?

Tryingforsleepthief2 · 15/09/2018 21:18

Sorry. Just realised the date on the post. Glad you are feeling better!

canteatawholemarsbar · 15/09/2018 21:57

Rox Iv changed my user name but I have to say this is the best update I have ever read. I am so glad. You have done so well xxx

llangennith · 15/09/2018 21:59

I was only 18 when I had DD1 and really didn't 'love' her till I had DS five whole years later. I loved him from the moment he was born and realised what love really meant. I worked hard to love DD1 and quite soon I saw her in a completely new light. She's 48 now and still love her completely☺️

selfishcrab · 15/09/2018 22:20

What an amazing update OP

peachgreen · 15/09/2018 22:34

Oh God I'm weeping over this thread. OP, thank you so much for coming back to update. I'm another one who had her parenting experience turned around by medication and am so grateful we live in a time where this help is available. Well done you for seeking it out. What a wonderful Mum you are.

SealSong · 15/09/2018 22:47

Thank you so much, OP, for coming back to update, this thread will be so valuable for other mothers feeling the same as you did.
I'm so glad and happy for you that things have improved as they have. Bloody well done to you, you went through some serious hard slog to sort this.

NorthernLurker · 15/09/2018 23:13

Well done op.

Cornishclio · 15/09/2018 23:19

What a wonderful thread. Honest, poignant, eloquent and uplifting. I am so glad that you have now bonded with your little girl and felt for you.

I am not sure the mum rush comes for all of us straight away and I think the sheer exhaustion of parenting small babies sometimes affects how we feel about them. I remember in the early days of my DD2s life how I felt I was just going through the motions of physically caring for her but feeling bereft at the thought of my DD1 who was only 17 months having to share me.

Original poster

RozfromFraisier · 15/09/2018 23:30

Thank you all so much for your kindness.

A coupe of things I should add: I was referred to community counselling but I literally got the call to schedule an appointment a month ago. In other words, the waiting list ended up being 10/11 months long. I declined it, as it seemed like at this remove I would be taking the place of someone in crisis. This is the HSE (the national health service). It is cut to the bone.

Secondly : I don't feel guilty about that first year. I never will. She had no idea, I hid it so well from her I should have won an Oscar. So I feel her experience in reality wasn't much different from what it would have been with a loving mother. I was present, I was attentive. I was a good mother. I just didn't love her. But she'll never ever know.

If she has a child and has PND, I hope I will recognise it and urge her to take help. I will tell her I had it too, because I know how freakish and alone you can feel. But I will just say it was because of the loss of my Mum. I will never breathe a word of the truth to a living soul, except DH who simply had faith in my heart to work it out eventually. But it was the tablets. Alone, it would have been too much for any heart.

OP posts:

Bumblealong1 · 16/09/2018 03:18

It’s wonderful to read your update.
This is where MN is at its best- when people like you share something that is rarely discussed and of such value. But then also come back to update it later it on for others to not also get catharsis from sharing but also to get practical advice in terms of solutions.

I hope things continue well for you and your family!

Whistle73 · 16/09/2018 08:27

I remember this thread from a year ago and your update moved me to tears.

So happy for you OP.

DDIJ · 16/09/2018 09:05

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

peachgreen · 16/09/2018 11:10

@DDIJ It does. It resets the imbalance in your brain and gets you back to a place where you can feel emotions normally. I had the same experience. I'd never found anti-depressants useful in the past but they absolutely saved my life when I had PND.

Vampyress · 16/09/2018 12:03

Thank you so much for your bravery in sharing your journey Roz, I hope your candor and courage helps any mummies who are in a similar situation, I am so happy for you and your beautiful family

PaddyMcGintysGoatee · 13/07/2019 18:13

@RozfromFraisier
I read your thread today, yynearly a year after your update. It’s one of the most moving things I’ve ever read. I’d never ever seen or heard anyone admit to the same struggles I had with loving my eldest daughter. I felt so guilty. It was dreadful. I was a Bad Mother. I was too ashamed to tell anyone, not my husband, or my mum, or my lovely health visitor.

I hope Mumsnet is able to put your thread in Classics, or somewhere that women in the same position as us can easily find it and read it. It is so important, and when I think of all the women who must have gone through this, feeling ashamed and not getting help, I could weep.

I had a happy ending too. My daughter is 40 now, and I love her the most of all my children (But don’t tell the others I said that!). And she loves me too, and she isn’t at all fucked up. When she had her kids I was on tenterhooks in case she would feel the way I did with her, but no, she adores both her kids.

Until today I thought I was the only mother who had ever felt the way I felt. I know now that it affects many, many women. We need to get rid of the stigma that keeps mothers silent, and insist that the medical profession takes it seriously and makes it easier for women to find access the help they need.

IABUQueen · 13/07/2019 20:15

Definately agree this thread should be moved to classics. Could help many women out there with PND.

I’m expecting a girl and I’m soo worried about not forming a bond and this thread gives me hope that worst case scenario I could seek help and can make it work.

Amazing mother you are OP.

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