No bond at 12 months. :(

[RozfromFraisier]

DD is our second, we have a 3 year old who I absolutely adore with all my heart.

I just feel very little towards her. Never have. I wasn't too worried in the early days/months, but am concerned now. It's going on a bit long, isn't it?

What if I never love her very much? She's a nice kid, her Dad really enjoys her. She should have a Mum who enjoys her too.

I can't admit this to a living soul.

Actually I do think you love your baby girl very much. You wouldn't be worried about the attachment if you didn't. I think you are still grieving, overwhelmed with sleep deprivation and the work that having 2 young DC's involves.

Hopefully the meds will make you feel much better, but from what you have posted on here I think you are a very loving mother, even if you don't feel it.

Your Dmum died when your DS was very little and as you say he felt extra special as he lit up her last months, he also probably helped you cope with losing your mum.

I don't if sharing my story will help at all but hopefully it might help in a small way.

In short, I felt exactly the same way, but with my first child. I had an easy pregnancy but a very long drawn-out birth so I started off hugely sleep-deprived.

So much of what you said in your earlier posts really resonates - the fact he feels like DH's child but not yours - I felt like I was my baby's babysitter not his mother. If he was upset, or in pain, I did what I needed to do to help him feel better but I did it because I knew it was what I should do, not because I felt any love or compassion for him.
So many times, I nearly went out the house without him (to the shops or for a walk) because I knew it would be so much easier without him and I didn't see anything wrong with leaving him at home alone. The only thing that stopped me was worrying what other people would think if they found out.

Anyway, I don't know if this will help at all but I simply wanted to say that it did get better. It took a long time but it did get better... And it definitely started to improve after I went back to work and wasn't with him 24/7. Once I got over the guilt of the fact I wasn't upset to be away from him...

And I could never pinpoint when it changed, I never ever felt a rush of love like you hear about new mothers having after birth. On the contrary, it was very very very gradual, just tiny improvements every so often over about a year. By the time he was 2, I couldn't ever imagine having felt the way I used to feel. The bond between us now, is incredible. I love him to pieces. Yes, I do still sometimes feel very guilty about the early days but I think about it a lot less now (he's now 8 to be fair!)

(Confusingly, I then spent my whole second pregnancy hoping NOT to feel an immediate bond with DS2, as I thought it would just make me feel guilty all over again for having a baby bond with DS2 that I didn't have with DS1...)

I'm sharing this hoping you might take comfort in the fact that it's possible the feelings may still develop by themselves. I can't think of a way to phrase that that doesn't just sound glib but I hope it helps.

Roz you have done something today and that is such a huge step, it's taken you a year to get to a point of being able to even talk about this. I'm sure it will get better. Good luck with the meds anti depressants get such a bad wrap but they can be and are absolutely a life saver in a lot of cases.

Please keep us updated on how things are going and be kind to yourself. Make sure you take some you time away from both your babes as and when to keep your head clear and work doesn't count.

OP if you are depressed then parts of your brain are simply not working as they should be - it's like having flu or measles. You may have set yourself up an idea of 'love' that is impossible to feel in the difficult circumstances you are in with your mother/ older child/ guilt/ lack of sleep.

Could you try to give yourself a mental break from 'trying' to feel something you don't and just say to yourself - this is how it is - I am a good mother because of how I behave not how I feel. And accept that in a year or two when you aren't as tired, you hve had proper support etc you will be in a completely different situation.

roz so well done for today and like everyone says, your actions are that of a good mother, and the rest will follow behind, given the amount of effort and determination you are showing. But also be kind and genuine to yourself- you are grieving, sleep deprived and have had the most awful year. Treat yourself kindly and with compassion, as you are treating your little one. Take care and do keep posting if it helps.

You know I think our culture plays a big part in this - when I had my first baby I felt like I had been in a major car crash - just the birth alone was on of the most shocking experiences of my life (and I didn't have a particularly 'bad' one) - then I was handed a tiny baby and told to feed them all day and night, waking every moment they needed me.

In traditional cultures - and many countries round the world now - women would not be expected to do this without extensive support from other women. In Turkey women don't leave their bed for 30 days - they don't cook or clean or attempt to take older children to snot covered soft play when their babies are 3 days old.

I often see shivering mums in our local playground clutching newborns while pushing swings, their eyes grey with exhaustion - and I wonder where are the family members helping them?

I felt incredible guilt about my older child when I had my second - I hated that instead of family around helping me I had to send him off to childcare so I could rest/ look after my new baby (Im away Im very lucky I could afford to keep on with childcare)

I often feel that people don't look or listen to that guilt - if I mention how guilty I felt about that people say oh it's great to send them to childcare- but I would have preferred to have had more choices....not to have felt I was sending him away all the time - I look back and wonder if I hd had more help at home from family etc I wouldnt have sent him so much.

I think circumstances make being a mother very very difficult in the UK - poor social networks, long working hours so partners are absent from 8am until 7pm (inLondon where I live this is common) etc - and you lost your mum - the person most people would rely on emotionally.

So you are suffering from wider context not your own 'failure' to feel a certain way - it's natural you find it hard.

Hey @RozfromFraisier just wanted to check in and say I hope things are going ok for you.

Hello All,

It's now been about 3 weeks or so on the escitalopram.

It hasn't really worked the way I imagined.

I thought it would help me be happier? That I would start feeling more good things?

But actually the opposite has happened. It has provided a dampening effect. No highs, no lows. I feel emotionally a bit deadened.

I can strongly see how it would help people with mood swings or massive anxiety - you just have one mood the whole time. Problem is, you feel rather indifferent to everything.

So I still have no bond with DD but I no longer feel particularly upset about it.

Has anyone else been on escitalopram? Is this normal?

My oh takes these for extreme anxiety they help him.

If you feel completely void I don’t think that’s great either. I’d go straight back to gp and say that feeling nothing was not the effect you were after.

I hope someone with a bit more experience can come on and suggest some meds that are less numbing.

Roz yes escitalopram did that to me. I also tried the other first-line one (can't remember name) , then venlafaxine (caused massive anxiety). Bumped along with counselling for years. Eventually I got prescribed ritalin (yes the adhd drug) and it worked wonders. Obviously you may find an antidepressant that works, but it can take time and lots of trial and error with dosages. Just keep low dose ritalin at the back of your mind in case no antidepressant works!

I actually came on here to say how brave and wonderful you are. My mother had me in circumstances very similar to yours. The bond never came and it has been a sad 41 years. What you are doing -seeking help, trying, being as good a parent as you can - is wonderful. You are brave and compassionate and kind. Those things matter immensely.

I wish you all the very very best. Things will get better.

fluoxetine (prozac) was the other one

I thought I would update this, as when I was looking I found very little out there and it may be that someone in the future finds it helps.

When I last posted I was worried about the Lexapro not working. The GP convinced me to keep going as it takes 6 wks. She was right. At around 6 weeks my mood lightened considerably.

So that was great. I have literally not lost my temper or even gotten particularly irritable since. I have been very chilled. It meant I kept going through the grim nights with an equanimity I could never have before. I wasn't frustrated anymore. I told DH that it was like there was a hole where all the negativity used to be, and so far it wasn't being filled with anything good, but at least the room was there now. That was something.

Anyway, I've now been on the tablets about 3 months or so. In the last week I've started to feel.... something for her. She has gotten a bit older and a bit more fun and cheeky and funny. She showed a marked preference for her Dad and in the last fortnight I've noticed I occasionally get jealous. I never cared before.

And she lets me hug her and kiss her a lot more now. And grins up at me and is delighted when I come home from work. She seems to have formed a bond with me, at any rate. That's lovely to realise. She really does like me. And I find now sometimes I catch myself staring at her lovely little soft face and her eyelashes and her little mouth.

I find I am not going through the motions when I hug her and squeeze her now. It comforts me.

So I don't know what this "something" is. I don't know know if it's love yet. But it's no longer indifference. I have started to feel like she's mine rather than some baby who lives in my house. We are getting along really well.

So my update is cautious optimism. I'm hoping it's the beginning of love. Thank God for anti-ds. And thank God for MN.

I’ve just read your post. You poor soul, I’m so happy things are looking up.

My daughter is 10 weeks and she was the most wanted and the most loved ‘bump’ in the world. Then she had a very traumatic birth, I got ill and she got even iller, and I just went so numb I felt nothing. I remember wishing someone would just take her away and never ever bring her back. And I was too numb and embarrassed to even seek help like you did.

In my case, once DD was out of hospital I felt tonnes better. It was like a cloud lifted off, the negativity left, and the love could finally come.

I really hope that your happiness continues to grow ❤️ It sounds like it is and you sound like a great mummy x

That’s lovely to hear Roz and thank you for updating - very useful. I went through something like this with my DS.

Really pleased Roz I hope it all keeps going in the right direction. Hope you all had a lovely Christmas.

I always said I would update this 12 months on so here I am. I don't expect anyone to read it, but like I said before, when I googled there was very little out there about a lack of bond a year down the road, so that's why I'm updating, in case someone needs to do the same Search I did.

I have been off the antidepressants now a few months. They worked. I don't need them anymore, I'm in a very happy place.

My little girl is about to turn 2! She is strong, healthy, happy and absolutely hilarious.

She thinks I'm great. She's going through a Mammy phase and is very huggy and cuddly. She loves me to stroke her hair and her cheek and if I stop she grabs my hand and puts it back again. She does this thing where she presents each cheek for kisses, left then right then back again on and on... ... And she ends up collapsing with giggles. She keeps putting things to bed at the moment, dolls, inaminate objects, food.... Its very funny. She likes jumping on the couch and roaring BOING BOING BOING! at the top of her lungs. She likes pulling up my top and blowing filthy raspberries on my belly, and we both laugh and laugh. She's so cheeky, she climbs up the back of the couch, looks at me and goes "Down down down!" (mimicking me!) then dramatically launches herself down onto the seat, cackling like a loon. When she drops something she goes "Oh no!" with her little hands delicately over her mouth like a Victorian lady, it cracks me up.

I LOVE HER SO MUCH. She is everything.

Thank god I went to the doctor. Thank god I posted here, lost in my secret shame. Thank god I have a husband who believed in me. Thank god my little girl never turned away from me. Thank god for the tablets, which erased the bad negative feelings enough so that there was space for good things to grow. It was painfully slow, it took 6 months before I knew things were definitely improving but they worked.

So that's my story and my last update. Thanks so much again to everyone who contributed to my wee thread. Only 3 pages but they meant so much to me.

This is one of the loveliest threads I have ever read. So happy for your family.

You'll love her more once you are sleeping better. Well that was my experience. Feeling like she's DH child rings so true to me!!! I'd never heard someone else experience this OP so thank you.

I can hand on heart say I love my DS equally to my DD now, he's just wonderful and lovely and brilliant. But it took time.

Oh just RTFT! Amazing!!!!

OP I have 2 dc, one 8 and one 3. I had a terrible birth with dc1 and a fucking horrendous first year, no support just me and dh on the other side of the world from family. I definitely had pnd but no one to help me get diagnosed. We got through it and when dc1 was 3 we decided to try again after I had counseling.

Two mc later dc2 was born. I had such a fabulous birth, no drugs, very quick and easy, very confident this time around.

3 years on I know there's a different way I love them and I try very hard not to show it but it's there.

I also know now it was the same for my dm with me and dsis (she was first born but a much easier birth).

I think my dm faked it until she made it and now we are much closer then her and dsis although I just could take dm or leave her, living happily half a world a way from her, I certainly never felt unloved or wanted but in hindsight it's clearly there.

Oh i have just read this thread now. How lovely to see your update and the happy outcome. It has honestly made my day !

Just read the whole thread. You were so eloquent. Thank you for updating. Such lovely news.

Just RTFT for the first time and it's made me a little watery-eyed. So glad you've got through it - and your little DD sounds a total delight 💜💜