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Original poster

Could you be happy if you went back and didn't have children?

116 replies

dw4518 · 06/09/2017 19:35

I recently made a thread asking for guidance on the decision to have children, and I wanted to ask this follow on question.

For those of you with children, could you see yourself being happy if you went back and didn't have children?

As in if you were to somehow go back in time, and chose not to have children, do you think you would be just as happy/less happy? And why?

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Cuppaqueen · 08/09/2017 01:16

No. I was a bit like you, op, in that I never had a strong biological urge to have kids and could always see the downsides as well as (often more clearly than) the positives. So DH and I focused on our careers, travel, study etc, did all the other things we wanted to do, until at last as I hit my late 30s they started to pale a little (been there, done that), and we realised we had to actually make a decision whether to try for a baby. We did, for all sorts of rational and sentimental reasons, and now our DS is here, OH MY GOD I am soooooooo glad we did!

I was all prepared to 'get through' the baby years, to be miserable at home and missing work/ city breaks / nights out, but I have loved him and being a mother from day one. I found a whole side of myself that I had no idea was there. And it makes my blood run cold to think I might have missed out on all the sheer, heart-expanding joy of him just because I didn't know how good it could be. I think parents always tend to emphasise the negatives - the jokes that you'll never go out again, get a shower by yourself, travel, lie in the morning (ok, the last one might be true), but skip over all the amazing bits. It's very British, I suppose!

Of course, everyone's experience is different but just know it can be wonderful. I am glad we waited though - do all the things that you think kids might get in the way of first! And ideally get a good financial footing. We have a cleaner, can afford regular babysitting, still to travel etc which makes life a lot easier.

Final thought: if you're thinking about this so hard, maybe you're not as in the fence as you think?

Piewraith · 08/09/2017 01:50

I think we would all like to go back and live life again and do it different. Different partner, different career, and being or not being a parent. So I don't know if it's the right question. Of course people would do it differently because they have already had the experience, and they would want something new. But that's not the same as someone making the decision the first time.

From reading your other thread it seems like you are hoping for people to talk you in to having kids. Like you "want to want it" iyswim.

BalconyBunting · 08/09/2017 02:04

Yes, I'd be very happy! The childfree couples I know are the happiest couples. You're much less likely to divorce/have a relationship breakdown without children.

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Dustbunny1900 · 08/09/2017 02:09

No, I don't think so. They are the only people who I could never picture my life without, who bring me this deep happiness and joy, and who I love unconditionally. They make my heart explode in a way nothing else has ever.

Now, if you asked me that question about men or partners, the answer would be quite different.

LostLovesLabours · 08/09/2017 03:21

I would have been devastated initially and I think would have always felt sad that I hadn't had children, but yes I would have had a happy life. I have friends who desperately wanted children and for whom it never happened and while they do feel regretful, their lives are happy on the whole.

I would never, ever go back and undo having children though and I do not envy people without children at all. Not even the tiniest bit. My children are easily the best thing that ever happened for me, second only to DP, and I think DP would say the same. We love being our own family and are planning to have more children if possible!

ohamIreally · 08/09/2017 04:14

OP I was like another PP in that I had DD as an older mother (40's) so I had a whole adult lifetime prior to becoming a parent. I travelled, worked on my career, went out constantly. Life started to feel a little shallow and picturing myself in my 50's still in that lifestyle left a bad taste for me. Having said that my marriage has not survived and I am now a lone parent and so life can be hard and very restrictive. I am tired and it has taken a toll on me physically, although mentally in many ways I am more focussed and driven as I am responsible for another person's life now. I'm hoping to be in her life when she's an adult and share her experiences somewhat. I imagine that's when the true reward of parenthood will be reaped - having a deep connection with another person because you have loved them and worried about them and put them first. Would I have been happy without? Probably but as the years rolled on less so I imagine.

FartnissEverbeans · 08/09/2017 04:52

I didn't have an 'urge' to have children, and had pretty much decided that I didn't want to have any when I fell unexpectedly pregnant with DS.

What do you mean by 'happy'?

If I didn't have DS my life would be much calmer and more peaceful, I'd sleep a lot more, DH and I would probably argue less. I'd be better at my job and I'd have more money and be better groomed (and thinner!) etc. I was a bit lazy before I had DS.

But none of those things really make me 'happy'. They make me comfortable but that's not the same. DS makes me joyful and contented and satisfied. He also makes me exhausted and frustrated and terrified. But I feel more alive since I had a baby - it's like before everything was black and white, and now everything is in colour.

I can't quite describe it but my life is better with DS in it. Every day I'm thankful for my irresponsible attitude to contraception

Windytwigs · 08/09/2017 05:03

Yes, I'd be happy. I love them dearly and wouldn't ever give them up, but if I hadn't had kids I would be a lot more secure financially, physically and emotionally. A lot changes when you have kids, dh certainly got the better end of the deal currently and in the foreseeable future.

Crispsheets · 08/09/2017 05:14

Yes I'd be happy. I never really planned to have any...my world does not revolve around them and I don't live for them. I don't yearn for grandchildren either.

RhinoGirl · 08/09/2017 05:28

No. Certain things would be easier, we would have more money for sure but... she is everything, our whole world and nothing prepared me for how much I would love her. I can't imagine life without her in it now. Children have always been important to us, no negotiations.

Mustang27 · 08/09/2017 06:00

I'm going to say no my children fill a void in me I never really knew I had and now I know what it feels like I'd never chose not to have them.

SuperBeagle · 08/09/2017 06:21

Yes.

I'd be as happy, but it'd be different, because my life would be vastly different.

Pennywhistle · 08/09/2017 06:32

It took us many years to conceive so we did actually sit down and properly discuss the kind of life we would build for ourselves if we were never successful (a kind of plan B for life).

If we hadn't had our children we would have lived a happy life. We have a good marriage and would no doubt have mapped out a full and interesting life together.

But without a single doubt we are happier with children.

We have twins and the early years were incredibly tough but our children are the light of our lives.

Our marriage is even stronger than it was before (forged in the fires of sleep deprivation).

We might indeed have had more money, less wrinkles and more sleep but we'd be missing out on the sheer joy our children bring.

KatharinaRosalie · 08/09/2017 09:34

I think some people approach it from a different angle than what the OP meant. Of course (most) people could not imagine their lives without their DC once they have them. But most people I would say were also not constatnly unhappy before having them. So I think OP is asking if one has a happy life and decides not to have children, do people think this happy life would turn into unhappy one because of the lack of children? Will you miss things you've never had?

BrawneLamia · 08/09/2017 09:46

I think if I didn't have children, I would not be happy because I wanted children. I would always regret not having them, and feel like something was missing from my life, even if I had no memory of my actual children.

If you could somehow remove from me the desire to have children, then I'm sure I would have a happy and fulfilling life without them.

AnnabelleLecter · 08/09/2017 11:20

No I wouldn't have been happy. We had DC late and had done enough travelling, partying, career etc to make room for DC with no regrets. We're glad we were able to do all of that when we were young and didn't miss out in our 20's. Now we are almost on the other side and starting to do our own thing again as DD is 16 at college, going to parties, festivals and started planning holidays without us.
We also were lucky to have enough money and support to continue with a lot of things anyway. I think if we had been very young and skint for years, not being able to do half as much we may have a different view.

mimiholls · 08/09/2017 13:53

I would constantly think of 'what could have been' when I saw friends' children growing up I think. I feel like it could be incredibly lonely as an older person as i love the idea of a house full of children and grandchildren- though i am fully aware it doesnt always work out like that. Yes i think it's perfectly possible to be happy without children especially if you make that decision for yourself. Everybody goes into it fairly blind- if you don't have them you will never know what youre missing- both good and bad. There are a lot of hard hard times. The amount of money makes a huge difference to how hard it is imo.

ToesInWater · 08/09/2017 13:58

I'm sure I would have had a good life without children if that is the way life worked out. Being adopted myself I was always aware that wanting children didn't necessarily mean I would have children and I am lucky that when I decided I wanted to be a mum that was possible. But now I am in my 50s and my eldest is about to get married I know that life without children would be less rich. It's not about being left lonely in my old age - DH and I have a wonderful relationship and love each others' company - but I can see the years ahead filled with a family that will expand, creating the opportunity for rich relationships and experiences, and I would have hated to miss out on that.

Dustbunny1900 · 08/09/2017 14:16

Fartnisseverbeans summed is up well.
Life was "easy", more carefree, and centered all around me before having kids.but it was also unsatisfying, lonely, and kind of vanilla bland.
It's harder now because shit got real. I have a lot to lose now. They motivate me in ways living with no responsibilities or anyone I loved that much just didn't.
For me, no I wouldn't have been AS happy had I not had them.

But don't have them thinking they'll be cute little pets, or accessories, or extensions of you. Don't have them thinking they'll be nice little add-ons to a life centered around you , or it'll be a real rude awakening (not saying that's what you're doing, but many do that)

Pennywhistle · 08/09/2017 14:25

To respond to Katharina's point. I think there's a big difference between choosing not to have kids and not being able to have kids.

While as I said I'm sure that we would have been able to build a happy life if we had been unsuccessful in our fertility treatment, we'd always have been sad that we couldn't have our own desperately wanted children.

That's not the same as not really having the desire for kids and looking back wistfully later in life wondering "what if".

Having children is not the only way to live, I have very happily childless friends having a high old time. We're not envious of them.

But if we'd been the high flying, jet setting child free couple we would have been privately envious of our friends with children.

It comes down to personal circumstances though, everyone is different.

Branleuse · 08/09/2017 14:38

yes, in some ways i would have been a lot happier I think, but I chose to have them, and I really wanted them, and I love them. I just didnt know quite how hard it would be

BarbarianMum · 09/09/2017 09:35

No, but then I would never have chosen not to have children. I suspect I would have just spent the last 12 years feeling desperate and persuing fertility treatment and then adoption. If those had failed I'm sure there would be things in life that I'd enjoy but it would be a half life (for me).
That said, I've got several friends who are child free by choice and who are very happy with their lot.

tinypop4 · 09/09/2017 11:27

I think I absolutely would be happy but the yearn for children might have been overpowering.
I would have travelled more and experienced loving and working in more countries.

SuzukiLi · 09/09/2017 11:34

If only be happy if I knew what I know now. I always wanted children. Now I have one and definitely think I would not have any if I could go back.

InstaHun · 09/09/2017 11:35

Having kids enhanced my life in every way. I was happy before they came, but I am happier now.

I see life as a series of adventures and phases. I spent my 20s going out, dating, partying and working. My way up the career ladder. It was a fab stage full of great friends, awful dates, fascinating work challenges, hilarious anecdotes and a lot of wine.

I've spent my 30s raising kids, making new family friends and building a family unit while maintaining my career. It's been another fab adventure full of love, support, new friends, laughter and lots of coffee.

I would have been devastated to miss out on either of those adventures. I want my life to be as full as possible and without children I would have felt I was missing out on a truly significant experience.

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