Could you be happy if you went back and didn't have children?

[dw4518]

I recently made a thread asking for guidance on the decision to have children, and I wanted to ask this follow on question.

For those of you with children, could you see yourself being happy if you went back and didn't have children?

As in if you were to somehow go back in time, and chose not to have children, do you think you would be just as happy/less happy? And why?

Yes, I had a very happy life before I had kids. No reason it could not have continued. I'm not handling all the stress and worrying that something might happen to them very well.

Well I was very happy before I had children and would have carried on being happy had I chosen not to have children.

But, I wanted to have children (biological urge and I like children's company) so I wouldn't have chosen to not have children, there would have been a difficulty that meant it didn't happen and that would have been a point of real sadness for me. I expect I would have still been happy in and around the bits of sadness too though.

Now I have children all the things that made me happy before still exist and make me happy still, but I also have new things and relationships that make me happy too.

But I am also more tired and more stressed as well and sometimes frustrated.

PacificDogwod I am 31, not 25 unfortunately!

PurpleDaisies I think you commented on my other thread as well, thank you :) I have no urgent need to be a mother but I do like children/idea of family so it's not a clear decision for me, still very much on the fence. I wanted to ask people with children as those without have never experienced children so have nothing for comparison, and I expect they will mostly say they are content, unless they actively wanted them and couldn't have them, if that makes sense

So many replies! I will read each one carefully :)

Yes I have often thought this

I adore my kids and I wouldn't change anything but I honestly reckon I'd have been just as happy if I hadn't had them.

No I would have been devastated. And knowing what I know now there is nothing as incredible as the love children bring into life.

Not as happy, no.

I was happy before my kids and if I hadn't had them I would have filled my life with lots of interesting things and sleep. So much sleep! I don't think I would feel that anything was missing.

But my children have brought a level of joy and warmth to my life that I don't think could be replicated by anything else. I never expected them to make me as happy or as content as they do, and I know not everyone has that experience, but they do make me unbelievably and unreasonably happy.

I think I would be happy without dc at the age that I am now. I would find things to fill my life and make it rich and rewarding. However, I do not think I would be as happy without dc as I am now.

I simply cannot express the joy that I get from spending time with my dd. She is amazing. However, I often think that I wouldn't be as happy as I am if she was a different personality. We just gel, and we get on incredibly well. And she never gives me any trouble. Some of my friends have had a really tough time with their children. If I'm honest, I don't really know how happy I would be in their shoes. There is a lot of luck involved in how things turn out.

My aunt had no children and when we were kids, she always seemed so glamorous compared to my mum. She had a fantastic lifestyle and I think she was happy. Now she is older, though, I think she is really struggling with the fact that she did not have any children. So I guess that people may feel differently about it at different times of their lives.

Yes. I am a shit mum. I am making so many mistakes.

I think I'd have been happier with only my own life to fuck up.

I tried. I so wanted to be a good parent and give my kids a happy life. I can't seem to.

OP, you need to make your own decision on what is right for you. Do consider the answers carefully. You can't make a decision based on how many strangers come to one view or the other and do bear in mind that any sample on this thread may not be representative of the general human experience.

Your question about whether we would have been happy if we went back to our pre-children selves and didn't have children will I imagine elicit two types of answers which are largely going to depend to what extent each of us experienced a desperate urge for children, or were more like you and unsure.

Some posters did have that desperate urge and would have been devastated without. Others would have been like me and not really known what being a mother was like before having children. Therefore my pre-child self would probably have continued along much the same as she was before.

However when I had my first child the sense of love hit me like a bolt out of the blue and was completely overwhelming and changed my entire outlook on life. Yes there is a lot more stress, but I would not be without my children for the world. Therefore even though I would have been "happy enough" without children, I would not have as much joy as I do now.

For me, no. Don't get me wrong, my life was good before but since the birth of my son, my life is a million times better. He is the absolute light of my life. My maternity leave ends soon and I'm gutted. I could quite happily have another baby now (cant for practical reason for another couple of years) and be a SAHM until they're both in school. Id wanted children for as long as I could remember and the urge got stronger as I got older. Id have gone through fertility treatment to have a baby. Yes some days are hard and it's relentless at times and my life has changed so much but 100% for the better. Life has meaning for me now.

Never! I had mine young and been through many, many difficult times, but never once did I consider my life would have been easier without them, even on my darkest days. The force of my love for them doesn't even come close to any other relationships in my life! I'm not going to pretend to you it's easy. It's not! However, for me, a life without children would be hollow! I have three. All adults now, and my only regret is that I didn't have more!

Sorry, for multiple posts. It wasn't showing as posted!

I suppose it depends on if one goes back and makes the decision of ones own free will and without the knowledge of your children and being a parent. If so, I guess I would be happy as it would be my own choice. If it was a 'choice' thrust upon me by outside circumstances then possibly less happy. I think I quite probably wouldn't have the marriage I have now as I'm a stepmum and if I'd chosen not to have my own then I'd be less likely to want to date someone who did.

But having said that, I've no regrets about having my child, despite the lack of sleep, eyewatering childcare costs and toddler tantrums!

I answered that I would have been happier without them. I thought about this more last night and on reflection I think I should have had just one child.

I was an 'older' mum (37 having my first). I wanted children, was always a 'girly girl' who loved playing with dolls as a kid myself, loved holding other people's babies etc). When I had my first, it was all consuming and filled all my 'needs'. But then I panicked that DC1 would have a nicer adulthood (when DH and I had passed away) if they had a sibling and so we had another even though I didn't want a second child myself.

With the second child came twice the worry - emotional/physical/financial. It would have been much better for me only to have had one child. However, I know in my heart even knowing how bloody hard I find having two kids, Id probably have had a second so DC1 wouldn't be alone in the world if anything happened to us as both DH and I are from small families.

I didn't have my child until I was 40. My DH and myself were very ambivalent about the subject and neither of us could make a decision. We had (have) a great life, travelled, pleased ourselves, horses etc, but I felt something was missing. After much deliberation (two years of soul searching) we decided to go for it.

My daughter is the best thing I have ever done. Yes, I am fucking knackered, don't get to please myself much at all anymore, and sometimes I feel like its an endless groundhog day, but I would never be without her. She is quite frankly the most beautiful being and I have never experienced a love or happiness like I do now until she came along.

But thats just me, its can be a hard decision to make. I personally think the fact that I was an older mother helped me, as I don't feel I am missing out on anything, so I am in a better place mentally to focus on her.

Hasn't recent research showed that childless people are generally more happy in life than people who have children?

I adore my children but I also love to imagine how life would be if I hadn't have them....

We'd have so much more money.
Me and DH would be able to spend quality time together.
I'd have a better figure.
We'd have a better sex life.
We'd have fantastic holidays.
We'd have more freedom.
I'd be much less stressed.
I would be rested due to being able to sleep.
I would be higher up the career ladder.

There's probably loads of ways my life would be better!!!

I would never change the life path that DH and I chose but we spend a lot of time daydreaming about how wonderful life would be if we hadn't have had them.

No. Since having children I have been happier than I have ever been. A life without them would be fine (if I were ignorant of parenthood) but it wouldn't be as rich or fulfilling.

No, I would be devastated. But then I always knew that I really, really wanted children, so not in the same position as you. I certainly believe that it's possible to be happier without children for people who make that choice.

Yes, it's weird to think of life without them and all the love they bring, but I think I could have been happy .
I would have had a much motte itinerant life, maybe.