AIBU to have got out of bed, got dressed and just left the house with no explanation?

[luckymomma]

DH is an absolute tool sometimes, lazy and inconsiderate. He regularly pisses me off with his inability to clean up after himself and general selfish behaviour but this eve took the biscuit. Both been at work today, after work he played badminton with some friends and came home around 8. We have 3 DC. I finished work and did the usual collecting DCs, cooking, cleaning etc. (Don't want a medal, just saying).

I was in bedroom with DD (3) and baby, trying (rather unsuccessfully) to put them both to sleep. 3yr old wouldn't settle and twice asked to poo whilst in bed. Each time DD got up for poo I called DH to help her in bathroom to avoid me getting up and disturbing baby who was only half asleep. After second attempt at poo, DH sends DD back in saying she won't poo. Fair enough. It annoys me that he doesn't have the patience to sit with her for more than two minutes to see if she'll actually poo but can't force her, I get it.

Anyway, I ask DH if he wants to swap with me and try to put DD down. (He's just sat on sofa watching tv). He says no. So I ask again, "Please can we swap for a bit, I'm knackered and DD won't sleep." He says no and walks off downstairs!! So I got up, got dressed, left baby in her cot (baby needs nothing but sleep!), sent DD into living room as I walk out the house without saying a word.

Currently sat in Tesco car park with two newly purchased magazines and a bag of goodies, determined not to return home until I'm sure the little ones are fast asleep. AIBU?

Big talk needed OP. He doesn't just get to refuse to help and expect his own life to continue on its merry way. You say 'you on everything' - stop doing things for him then, ie cooking, washing, ironing. Sounds like you have indulged his laziness previously so he'll now need waking up.

Just to explain myself- of course the dd wouldn't have been terrified being left with her father- but a parent walking out of the house mid bedtime could be a scary thing for a child. Yes, the father is behaving outrageously -and the OP is right to be furious and not put up with it. And if the OP convincingly said she was going to the shop then that's fine.

Hope your ok this morning op.
Sometimes it gets to that point where the calmest thing to do is walk away for a bit. Totally get it.
The posters saying you shouldn't have left,why not?her dh left her upstairs with both dc after refusing to help twice. It's no different in that way.
Their dad was there so they weren't unattended.

It's def better to walk away than actually start a bicker in front of the dc.

I would say calmly to dh that you have three dc not four and he needs to pull his weight and help more including actually tidying up after himself. He's a bloody adult. He shouldn't need parenting.
Just say it and breezily walk away not giving him a chance to argue about it or get defensive

I'd been a single mother for years before having my youngest child with my ex. He had no inclination to be a parent in the slightest, he was one of those fathers who would 'babysit' to do me a 'favour'. He was so much hard work that being a single mum again was a relief and actually easier.
Of course there is no option to walk out and everything is on my shoulders but at least it's to be expected when I'm the only adult in the house.
It is soul-destroying constantly having to treat a grown man effectively like a child in order to get them to do what they should be doing- nothing more and nothing less. It wasn't worth it for me.

I have definitely indulged his lazy, selfish behaviour for so long that he'd struggle to notice any issue. Trying to explain to him that we're in a partnership and should share the responsibilities/chores forever falls on deaf ears. Will need to try harder I guess sigh

YANBU. The whole point of their toolish behaviour is to keep you stuck in the role of default parent so they don't have to take responsibility and being all reasonable and mature about it just plays into their hands. As long as their strategy is working they're not going to change it.

The only effective response imo is to walk out and leave them holding the baby. It was a brilliant move and you should continue to randomly lump him with all the responsibility for as long as he keeps doing it to you. ime they learn pretty quickly

Do you both work full time? Make a list of chores including dc bedtimes etc and ask him which he would like to do as his share.

@WhatWouldGhengisDo that is so true. I can't see him changing his thinking anytime soon either, literally thinks he can do/go as he pleases without even considering me/my plans. I am absolutely default parent and the thing is I don't even mind that, but when I ask for help I expect him to respect me enough to give it. How dare he just say no, as if I had our DC by myself. When I left here I was annoyed, today I am royally pissed off about it all.

We haven't spoken at all today. I thought he might apologise for being a twat but no such luck. Probably waiting for me to. I took DC out for dinner so I didn't cook for DH. That wouldn't phase him though, he just sorted something for himself when he got in.

@MyOtherProfile I work part time, 4 days a week. He gets home 7ish a few times a week and the other two eves around midnight as he plays rugby twice a week and goes straight from work, every single week, never negotiable. He also plays on a Sunday so is out from 11 til around 7 every single Sunday without fail. He's rarely here to lift a straw which is why I get easily annoyed when he is deliberately, unremorsefully unhelpful.

I am going to write a list and invite him to do particular chores. He goes from occasionally washing up to at times being an absolute slob who won't even put the rubbish out without being asked so we'll see how this goes. He has become more of a lazy, arrogant arsehole the more successful he has become, I'm convinced there's a link! I swear he's also a closet mysoginist

I am also going to start making regular plans to be out the eves he is here

What do you do specifically for you? I think you need a hobby, which takes you out of the house at bedtime at least twice a week.

He's not a closet misogynist. He's being pretty open and obvious about it.

How come he doesn't see his kids needing help/support and want to be part of that? What was the point of him becoming a parent if he didn't want to actually parent his children?

I would start making it just part of the normal routine to be out doing things you want to do when it suits you. I decided that Saturday mornings would be my time. I either get up and do something I want to do, or just lie in bed and ignore everything else in the house. I also get up from the dinner table and walk away, meaning that DH has to clear the table. I found it really liberating just to absent myself from some tasks. I discovered that DH did them and barely noticed he was doing them, but if I'm there he just doesn't do them. So I just physically step aside and leave him to it. My DD is older, though, so easier to do. But if you separated, he would have to do these things regularly, so he should start getting used to it.

Good plan luckymomma. By my calculations you are owed 2 evenings a week plus Saturdays minimum and you should definitely make sure you're elsewhere until OH has got used to it

A chores list / rota could be extremely helpful, then when he doesn't do his share you can gently decline to do yours. (I mean obviously keep cooking / doing laundry etc for you & the kids but maybe if he has to do his own for a while it'll be useful training for him)

So he gets 2 evenings and a whole weekend day to do his hobbies every week? That takes the absolute p*ss (sorry), you definitely did the right thing.

Op he sljnds incredibly selfish and like he is checking out. Hoe is he towards you generally

@Mummyoflittledragon I do nothing for myself. My life revolves around my family I guess, just live to make sure they are fed, bathed, clothed and happy. I guess I need to get a life

@KickAssAngel You're right. And yes I really do need to just make plans regular plans to be out, without the DC. When I'm not here he manages very well, he's just incredibly crap when I'm around. His mother still treats him like a child and is forever making excuses for him being so crap which doesn't help, but it's not her fault he is a grown man after all.

@WhatWouldGhengisDo I am definitely owed some 'me' time but the trouble is I do love to spend my time with the DC. Because we're always on the go, rushing around, I feel like any down time should be doing something fun with them. I almost feel guilty when I'm having fun without them! Perhaps I need to get over that...

@Cranb0rne Yep. Definite pisstake. No idea why I've allowed it for so long to be honest.

@C0untducku1a Defo selfish. What does checking out mean?

Checking out means stepping away from the situation, not wanting to be involved anymore.

You really do need to do something for you. He's a right arse. My dh sees me as the default parent, its historic because she only ever dealt wanted to be with me when she was little. But he'd never act like this.

YANBU but simething needs to change & quick. You should be valued too.

Sometimes MN sets equality back light years. Why the fuck should OP have been made to feel guilty for leaving her DC with their father?
She may not have explicitly said so in her OP but I would have hoped we could infer enough that she didnt just walk out and leave them without so much as a word of explanation to her DC.
OP your H sounds like an entitled arsehole who clearly thinks you are some sort of inferior being, doing the work he's just too important for.
Maybe it's my age but I have absolutely no patience with men like this any more and I believe that no woman should.

Don't be passive aggressive by ignoring him etc.

Go up to him and calmly tell him how you feel and why and what happens when he doesn't help. It might feel better to punish him but it's petty and gets you nowhere.

Read this: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

It's the mental load.

What Believeitornot said. Lay it out really clearly to him with pen and paper and diagrams and lists!

Reasoning only works on reasonable people (or people who are in the right frame of mind to be reasonable). If OP wants her OH to do things differently she's going to have to start by doing things differently herself.

OP think about starting / restarting hobbies, friendships, interests outside the home as pp suggested. Even if you only get out a bit, that's still a bit of time for you and a bit of time for your oh to be the responsible parent and bond more with his kids.

And there's nothing pa about explaining you're going to stop skivvying around after someone until they begin pulling their weight!

Just seen your reply. I meant like he is less interested in family life now, removing himself from it. How have things been since?

@dinopaws I read that article about the mental load, it really is exactly that on top of everything else that gets too much. Thanks for that, a really good read.

Oh right, perhaps checking out is what he is doing

@Believeitornot I haven't been ignoring him, I always feel very immature doing that.

I took the advice some of you gave and put it all in an email to him. I told him exactly how I feel and explained why I get annoyed and/or upset with him. Three emails later I had cleared my chest. He called me thanking me for the email and said that he sometimes feels like I don't appreciate his efforts, particularly when he loads the dishwasher(!!). And that he went through the effort of making me a cup of tea the other night which I asked for but didn't drink! Had to explain to him that I actually wanted the tea (hence asking for it) but went to put DC to bed and fell asleep myself before drinking it. As if he didn't notice!

Needless to say the conversation didn't get off to a good start but it ended with him apologising and promising to do better. Yawn.

Despite that, I have come to the conclusion that he really doesn't possibly get it, he cannot (will not) see things from my perspective. Although he will agree in principle to do more, he will never be able to keep it up as we have fundamentally different views on family life. He doesn't accept the equal division of labour and is clearly far too set in his ways to adjust his way of thinking.

So, I will be going out more, leaving the DC with him at least two evenings a week (every single week), spending more money and time on myself, and seriously trying to figure out whether we have a future together. The interesting thing is we were the perfect couple before DC, we honestly rarely argued, maybe once or twice in our 12 years together pre DC, so I guess it has been hard to accept that we could really be this different.