Under the sea or clouds and rainbows???

[MummyMiddleton]

Or baby boy is due on November 10th. We have a room for him but we don't want to buy and furniture or decor until we know what theme we are choosing. We are stuck between under the sea and clouds and rainbows. Both are equally cute.
We would paint the walls dark turquoise/aqua for under the sea and pale blue for clouds and rainbows. My mum has an art degree and will be painting the decor on top of the base colour (sea creatures and plants or clouds connected by rainbows).

If you had to choose, what would you go for?

I have a sister that was forced to apologies. She got the habit, great, but she never means it. It gives her a license to be bad because if she says sorry all is fine. It's not.

In our house apologies (all manners) are modelled and meant. I'd never make my child apologise, but I don't have to. She does it on her own and when she does, she means it.

Have a tear of some Janet Lansbury stuff. She has children and now grandchildren. Her approach follows Magda Gerber.

*read

I have tried to resist posting all day but I can't...

OP you've had a tough time on this thread but I am afraid you have come across very poorly. From the start you have just sounded like a know it all. I really hope it is just pregnancy hormones.

That being said... You do need to learn to be more open. You have admitted several times that you and your DH are not parents so don't know, so please try and take advice from the actual parents on here.

I was sure that I wouldn't co-sleep/be strict with bedtimes etc. From the second DD was born that went out the window. I loved her sleeping on me and I couldn't leave her alone. She slept 8 hours from 4 weeks and 12 from 4 months. I am not some sort of unicorn parent that did everything right. I was lucky. At one point in the thread you said if 10 mins is too long to settle how long is right... The longest I have managed to leave DD to cry is 45 seconds. I am not joking. She is 1 now so obviously I am not that experienced but she is a lovely baby, happy to go to nursery/grandparents. I am fairly sure she won't be an attention seeking brat. One thing I learnt was that I can hear other babies cry and not think much. When your own baby cries it is like your heart is ripping out.

My DP is the manliest jack the lad I know. He loves DD more than anything in the world and would do anything for us. DD loves him unbelievably and gets so excited to see him, constantly picks up the phone and says Dada. He did no night wakings due to his job and being a deep sleeper. Obviously your DH can do his fair share but if he misses one they won't end up with some sort of terrible bond. But there are times when DD just wants me. That is normal.

With food, I always thought DD would never have any bad food, everything she ate would be organic homemade. Well actually Ellas pouches and the like aren't poison and save your mental health when you have worked hard to make homemade meals that your child won't eat.

I guess what I am saying is if you can learn anything from this thread please just learn to be flexible. Things won't always go your way and it really doesn't matter. Go for under the sea.

Titty

Its lovely that your dd apologizes on her own. I hope Daniel is this sweet x

BoredOnMatLeave

Thanks x Lovely piece of writing that clearly took a lot of time and thougt x Much love xxx

Are you going to actively look up other parenting approaches?

My DD apologises on her own because of my behaviour, not because she was trained to do it. There's never been a naughty step in our house, a reward chart, no removal of belongings or sending to another room. There's been understanding, listening, cuddles, research (scientific rather than solution), flexibility and fun.

She's no brat. She's not spoiled. She's not rude or cheeky. People ask for her to play dates with their kids because she can make a game out of anything and is very easy to be around. It's as much nature as nurture, I'm sure. And we're very lucky. But we've had that approach from the start.

Titty

You are lucky that she is so sweet.

But with no naughty step or chart etc.
What would you do if she hit another child? Or broke something of yours in spite? I know your dd probably wouldnt do this as she shounds like a little darling but lets imagine

You know what, OP....(if you're for real). Bonding with your baby, and parenting your children, isn't about teaching them thibgs, developing them or moulding them. It's about a RELATIONSHIP, between you, and as a family.

At the moment, judging by this thread, you seem really unable to listen to what anyone else is saying to you, and you seem unaware that really tuning into your children, their needs and feelings, is what helps them develop as rounded people. If you ignore them during a tantrum, you don't teach them any way of dealing with those hard feelings...you don't have to give in, necessarily, but holding them and telling them you can hear they're sad, makes all the difference.

Children are real individual people from when they're born, not little machines to be programmed into good behaviour.

I had a wonderful sleeper who then was awake for hours at a time from 2 yrs onwards. She wasn't attention seeking; was really ill with something it took a long time to diagnose. In that situation, your kid won't be able to say "I'm I'll, I'm not 'attention seeking'"....how would I have felt if I'd gone all super nanny on her and then had the diagnosis.

I have another DC who has multiple health issues, all of which make him tired and overwhelmed at times. I set boundaries, but he's a tiny human who has a lot going on, and despite all our best efforts (Inc his) sometimes he may be spotted shouting coming out of school, or kicking a wall in frustration. It's not because I haven't put the right robot programming in... it's because he's small, hot, tired and dealing with a lot.

I hope this helps you understand...REALLY understand, in a way this blooming BTEC clearly hasn't....that kids are people, and parenting is not primarily about rules, but about relating to your child and really understanding them. If you are stuck in this rigid mindset, you won't be able to do that, and I can hear how much you want to do the right thing by this baby.

Get yourself over to the AHA parenting website...it will give you lots of examples of how to create firm boundaries for your kid in a more tuned in way.

Good luck, OP. PLEASE listen and take on board what I've written. I wonder whether some of your certainty and rigid thinking is actually about wanting (subconsciously) to know that you're in control when this baby's born. I recognise that a bit from my first pregnancy. But we're not in control as parents.... we're guiding and learning at the same time, and that's a beautiful thing when you get it right

davidbyrneswhitesuit

Thank you x wise words x will defo check out website x

*But with no naughty step or chart etc.
What would you do if she hit another child? Or broke something of yours in spite? I know your dd probably wouldnt do this as she shounds like a little darling but lets imagine
She's never done either of those things. She has struck out at us once or twice - that sort of thing is often due to hunger/low blood sugar though. When that happens I

Remove her from the situation/stop whatever is going on
Get down to her level
Ask her why she did it and listen to her response
Ask her how she thinks that makes the other person feel (this will usually cause her to be upset)
Explain why the behaviour is unacceptable ("I won't let you hit me.") and what might be a better reaction ("use your words if you need to tell me something, not your fists")
Ask if she needs me to help with something (is she hungry/thirsty/tired, does she need a hug)
She'll usually apologise and we'll go do whatever will fix the situation (eat/drink/rest/do a different activity)

She's always been a night owl too. So she has even used to coming to adult places with us since she was tiny. She's very well behaved in restaurants because she's seen us at them, rather than her being in bed at 7pm and having g a babysitter.

www.ahaparenting.com

But that's a way ahead. When they're babies, you just need to tune in, know what they need and meet their needs. And sometimes that will mean adjusting your expectations of what you can achieve, how you parent, or how your baby will behave. Which is good practice for the rest of it to come 😁

^ EXACTLY what Titty said for the "discipline" approach... it's way more constructive than charts or timeouts (though mine have Victorian bedtimes as that's what suits them, so we're all different 😊).

That AHA website will give you loads of ideas along Titty's lines.

Titty

I love your approach to bad behaviour. I just thought before that you let her get away with everything. But now I see its not like that. I will definately use your approach with Daniel, it sounds productive and I like the use of questions to help the child understand action and consiquence

What a bonkers thread. I wonder if @Heirhelp has seen the direction it's gone in after her comment about using the baby room as a place to sort laundry! (same story here with my 8 month old)

OP you really need to loosen up a bit. It won't be as straightforward as you think. You say you want to do parenting 50/50 with your partner- I feel you're breastfeeding that won't be the case- if the baby is hungry and waking every 2/3 hours in the night it'll be you feeding him. Also it's not just a case of expressing milk that your DH can feed him- what happens if you can't express much? What happens if you're at work for 4+ hours and your boobs get engorged and start leaking? Also lots of babies cluster feed in the early days to build up your supply- it's normal. The early days are about mum and baby because you've carried him for 9 months, if you're bfing he'll want to be close to you. Of course dad will bond and can help settle him etc (my dd always settled better with DH) but the baby will probably spend the majority of the time with you.

*I feel = if you're

You've said so many crazy things OP- also saying bed sharing /co sleeping isn't natural??! All animals snuggle up to sleep with their young. Lots of cultures do this- where my dad is from there were 2 kids and their parents in bed as they didn't have much room. The kids are now grown up and live elsewhere and lead perfectly normal independent lives.

And eating junk food- banning stuff or associating it with bad behaviour will not work. I've seen kids at parties shovelling pizza and coke down their throats and being sick from it as they went crazy for all the stuff that's banned at home. And don't embarrass your kid by going along with them and telling them to be good and ignore the burgers and fries.

Op you sound very naive and ignorant- I think you need to stop listening to jo frost and stop having such black and white ideals before the baby is even here!

Remember, the word discipline doesn't punish. It comes from the Latin for 'pupil'. So every time you 'discipline' you are in fact teaching your child. I try (though don't always succeed) to keep that in mind in those challenging moments - what am I trying to teach my child?

So if DD broke something out of spite (though she's never come near doing such a thing) I would want to know what caused her to do such a thing, I would let her know how upset I was, and perhaps with her we would come up with a way for her to make amends. (What I want to teach her is a better way for her to deal with situations that upset her and how people feel when their things get broken.)

I am quite strict. But I try hard not to punish.

There are some great books out there, but for 0-6 months I found Your Baby Week by Week very handy. Calm Parents Happy Kids is another lovely one (linked to aha parenting mentioned above) for toddlers and upwards.

You've been very gracious in the end in the face of some quite robust posters. I'm impressed.

RiverTam

Thank you x will definately be getting those books, they sound wonderful x

Boopboopboop

Thank you. I guess the reason I was so against co sleeping is because I was never alowed to sleep in my parents bed when I was little unless I was ill. I never really tried any other time but if I did im sure I would just be put back to bed. I was a pretty good kid, in the morning I would just go down the stairs and watch TV until my parents woke up and made me breakfast. There were only 5 channels then so finding the kids TV wasnt as hard. My parents were firm but fair. They were the toughest people I knew but also the most loving people I knew. It all depended on the situation. I suppose you always want to follow in the footsteps of your own family and upbringing, even if it isnt best. Because thats all you know. X But this thread has enlightened me to try new things x

There's a really good book OP called 'Why Love Matters' which explains lots of the posters on this thread's concerns about rigidly enforced timetables etc. it's a good read if you're interested: refers to lots of studies into the effect of the stress hormone cortisol on the developing brain.

Babies don't need boundaries, they need constant reassurance. Close bonding with a primary caregiver is the best basis for a secure attachment. Google 'Harlow's monkeys' for a heartbreaking insight into primate (and therefore human) attachment theory.

Enjoy your baby

Wow, OP; it can't have been easy taking people's comments on board. There's loads of good advice on this thread which should stand you in good stead with that squishy baby when he arrives

Loads of good advice here, hope you take it on board OP.

I am probably your complete opposite, in that I fell into parenthood with zero planning or expectations - no birth plan, no feeding plan, no plan for "discipline" or anything really! When my DC were small I read about attachment theory and realised that what I had been doing fell largely into line with that. I just treat them as people (not malfunctioning appliances that must be corrected lest they explode in my face ) and try to see things from their point of view before deciding what to do.

They're 12 and 9 now and they're bloody fantastic so I think we must have got it broadly "right"

As a point of order, you most certainly can miss what you've never experienced - I have zero sense of smell and I'd give anything to experience the smell of fresh coffee, or bread baking, or lilacs in spring, or grass after rain, or, or, or.....you know? I think about this missing sense so much, even though it's a total mystery to me. I am sure blind people would love to see the faces of their loved ones, or a beautiful view, or colours. Similarly, a child who is never allowed to try chocolate or chips will become aware that these things exist and will be curious about them. I'm as anti-junk as anyone, but it's really not that hard to limit and regulate without banning outright.

Yes indeed. My DC with multiple allergies weep often (in the privacy of their home!) about the foods their friends enjoy that they may never taste.