Miserable with 2&4 year old kids

[Mol1628]

Is it just us? Me and OH are off for easter holidays with the kids. We just aren't happy and haven't been since having kids. It's dull and miserable. We take them for nice days out, get plenty of exercise, play at home. All the things we should be doing. But it's just miserable. Every day is the same struggles.

We love them and they're fine, well looked after. But we are miserable as parents. Does it get better when they're older? Has anyone felt this way with their young children and then it's improved?

And there's no one to take them so we can get a break together.

Not really looking for parenting advice, we know what to do, we are just unhappy.

Mine are 3 and 5 now and it's still tough but so so much better than 2 and 4. Hang in there!

It must be really hard if you don't get a chance to get a break together. It's not just you, imo it is a bit shit.

Keep talking to each other and try and see the humour in it, if you can.

I think being a parent is pretty shit too. Utterly thankless, exhausting and miserable for very little reward (any?).

I must say that things improved for me whe n dd started school as it gave me a break. Now I am with her for less time it is easier but the school holidays are hard I feel like Ihave to be her own personal jester as she gets bored very easily and it is just crap really.

I thought I'd be a really 'natural' parent and love spending time with my child but I was completely unprepared for her temperement and the relentless of no me time.

Yes. It feels like you're just a servant for the first few years. Mine are a few years older and they can -if they feel like it-amuse themselves for a bit. Hence being able to sit here and do this. One dc has a colouring in fetish; keeps her occupied for hours.

What is it you find dull and makes you miserable? I'm not being flippant in asking that...it's just that you don't specify.
Or rather...what would you be doing if the kids weren't there?

Are you seeing things getting easier? 2 is still a tough age but the 4 yr old should be getting easier.
It is hard work but it shouldn't be a constant misery.
What are you finding really difficult to deal with? Maybe others can give you some tips?

Yes. I've got three between 9 and 4 and youngest two have Sen. It's boring and relentless. There's always a shrill demand. More food, bored, tired, she hit me, putting them to bed. It's like doing a rubbish job there is no break. As they get older they'll be more independent. I've found it's the relentless drudge of the days. My 'd'h hasn't taken any time off this Easter so it's just me and the kids. I could cheerfully ignore him.

Do you work? Do you socialise with friends even if you can't socialise together? Do you parent well together ie agree on stuff?

The four year old is easier. He can entertain himself for a long time and is a lot more independent. So there is a light at the end of the tunnel in that respect. But they do argue and it's very dull and relentless.

If it was just the two of us we could go on walks and actually relax, we could spend a day together doing very little at home, we could go on weekends away which we don't do now because of the cost and the stress of getting the kids to sleep in a different place we just come back home more stressed so it's a waste.

We get on well and parent well together I think, we have the same ideas and don't tend to argue about the children, it's just the actual having children that's shit, not anything wrong as such, we just find it really shit.

I love them to bits but definitely wouldn't have had them if I'd known what it would be like.

I have definitely found age 4 easier so maybe it'll be better once the youngest gets to that age.

Oh and I don't work and I hate it but I don't have a choice as there's no way we could cover the childcare costs.

If I had a career to go back to part time I'd definitely rather do that than be home with them all the time.

OP, have you spoken to your GP about how you feel?

It sounds like you might be depressed, especially after your comment that you wouldn't have had your children if you'd known what life as a parent would be like.

Life as a sahm is dull. I say that as I've been one for 7 year not by choice. It will get easier but sadly you're always going to accommodate them. Everything we do is geared around them such as where we go, what we do, holidays etc. It's exhausting and this topic is one that isn't talked about. Is there no one nearby who could have them? Or could you spend some time with grandparents and they have them for a bit? Sadly you then do just go back into the cycle. I see it as a very unsatisfing job. When they're in school that will be easier.

I feel the boredom coming through your post. I have children these exact ages and I have been doing days out like a mad woman this holiday. I've however felt very under appreciated. I know they're too young to fully appreciate the efforts I've gone to to entertain them (park, farms, legoland, sealife, softplay so far) but it's still hard. I'm relaxing more this week because they've not behaved well during many of these outings.

My 4 year old is easier on the whole so I'm looking forward to my 2 year old getting to 3+. During my 2 year olds tantrums I just think "this too shall pass!"

My husband and I rarely go out alone due to available childcare and we've accepted this for the time being. I work 2 days a week which helps mix things up a bit. I think I'd feel worse if I didn't have that escape. Maybe you could look into it if possible?

Just because she's bored doesn't mean she's depressed. I hate that attitude. Child rearing isn't all chocolate and flowers you know. You can have down days.

I also think it is not correct that thinking that way automatically means you are depressed. I am not but sometimes feel the same. I certainly think I would have delayed it 10 more years had I have realised the shit I now have to put up with each day. I don't find it enjoyable to have to repeat myself hundreds of times each day, be continually sleep deprived or reclean/do the same jobs day in day out monotonously for no thanks, it fucking sucks. So I get where you are coming from there.

She's not having "down days", though.

She's says had she known what life with young children would be life she would never have had them. She describes both her and her partner's lives as "miserable" and her life with children as "shit".

Same here...parenting young children is very very dull, exhausting, relentless and largely not enjoyable. I could actually punch people who say "enjoy them when they are young because it goes so quickly".....really! Cos it seems like its bloody dragging on to me! In the early years I think I was actually mourning for the loss of my previous life. It was mostly having time and space to relax and do what I wanted, just being able to stand up and leave the house without planning, and generally being totally free to make whatever choices I wanted (even if that was to do nothing) that I missed...the small stuff of life that it seemed made up a large part of what made me happy.

I also assumed having children would be wonderful as I have always loved kids and before having our own we didn't have a lifestyle that we felt would be hugely impacted by having them (didn't go out socialising loads etc) but they have come as a massive shock and changed my life and me hugely, and for now not for the better. I am without doubt less happy generally than I was before.

Mine are the same age difference as yours OP but a few years on (6+8) and things are definitely easier than when they were 2+4...for me it gets easier with every bit of independence they gain. We probably started doing holidays again not long after 2+4 and now try to go on a couple per year and I have to say that has started to make it feel like I am getting some "life" back.

But while I love them to the point it feels my heart will burst, and would die to protect them, I will unashamedly say I look forward to when they are grown and flown and I can be me again and not just a parent.

Hold on in there OP and if you can try to either take turns to have some "me" weekends or day, and if you can get help to look after them so you and your partner can have some free weekends it will make a difference while you wait for the independence to start. School will make a huge difference too. Sending hugs though xx

I also agree with those who say OP does not necessarily sound depressed (I had PND both times so do know the difference) just genuinely disillusioned with the reality of being a parent. It is possible that some people enjoy it and others do.

Let's hope so.

I'm not saying I can't understand her feelings. When our DC were that age I spent 3 years living in a non-English speaking country (for DH's job), with no family or English-speaking friends around me. I know how tough it can be.

But I think I would have benefitted from being able to talk to my GP about how I was feeling had we been living in the UK at the time, so I'm thinking the OP might find that useful.

I can't offer any advice other than to say that your not alone, I feel the same way. I've been a sahm for 9 years (financial reasons) and its so boring, I feel my life has drifted away from the one I had envisaged. I love my dc more than anything in the world but feel like a slave-robot, cooking, cleaning, picking things up, tidying away, breaking up arguments ALL the time etc, etc.
My fantasy is a hotel stay. Not to go gallivanting but purely for that time between 5pm-8pm when I can lay on the hotel bed, watch TV, eat crap and be at no ones beck 'n' call. For that would be bliss if just for one day!

My dc are the same age. It's quite hard going and I sometimes feel like you do but we are very sure to give each other regular breaks. Hobbies, weekends away with friends or even the odd weekend together if grandparents will babysit.
They're not little forever- you can do more with them when they are both 5+

i think its quite boring too - there only so many days out at adventure parks, or play areas or the park or a zoo or whatever before you want to stick pins in your eyes and shout ive had enough of this shit.

it is shit that you cant get away for a weekend without it being stressful and worrying about them not wanting to sleep/eat somewhere they don't know. also when you travel you need a heap of stuff for them so you feel like a pack donkey at times and that your sole purpose in life is to carry stuff around that you may or may not need.

its definitely not depression that you feel like this... its just the way it is sometimes.

Most people love their children dearly but utterly hate the raising-them-up shitfuck drudgery. Kids are selfish little animals who suck the lifeblood out of you. People who say they enjoy being with little kids must be on their mental level. There's no shame in admitting that kids are boring and most of what they say/do is daft.

Harsh Neon...and simply untrue.