Miserable with 2&4 year old kids

[Mol1628]

Is it just us? Me and OH are off for easter holidays with the kids. We just aren't happy and haven't been since having kids. It's dull and miserable. We take them for nice days out, get plenty of exercise, play at home. All the things we should be doing. But it's just miserable. Every day is the same struggles.

We love them and they're fine, well looked after. But we are miserable as parents. Does it get better when they're older? Has anyone felt this way with their young children and then it's improved?

And there's no one to take them so we can get a break together.

Not really looking for parenting advice, we know what to do, we are just unhappy.

I definitely prefer mine now they're older, because small children can be incredibly boring. All that time spent in parks, clock watching until you can go home. The lack of decent conversation or any mental simulation. It's the same reason I hate the gym-physically moving, but nothing for the brain to do.

I think once they get to 4/5 it gets easier as you can communicate better with them. I have been a SAHM for 11 years now and it's hard when they are small and you don't get a break. What helped me a lot was my friendships - other mums who I could meet up with either in the daytime with kids, or evenings for dinner & drinks where we could all have a good moan about stuff and it made me feel a lot better. Do you and your DH go out in the evenings? (Either together or separately).

I do enjoy having the kids around, at the same time they drive me mad and I do feel like a drudge some days. But now they are a bit older we really enjoy taking them to different places, we've been doing a bit more travelling and I love taking them to places and seeing them experience it for the first time. But I do think this is from age 5+. So I am sure it will get easier, also I think once the little one goes to nursery for a few hours and you get some time to yourself you enjoy them more.

It is a shame that you find your life so shit though I don't think I have ever regretted having my children so I can't imagine what that feels like. I know life would be easier without them but it would also seem so empty!

Aged 2 and 4 was utterly and totally soul destroying. Having a baby and toddler was actually easier. My 2 yo was a Velcro child and the 4yo was a tornado terror. At groups everyone elses DC seemed to be such little darlings that didn't need constant supervision, where they could let them play and do the crafty shit. Did not happen for me. They'd fight in the trolley if they were sat next to each other, did not sleep for years and wouldn't eat properly. Fucking horrendous never ending part of my life.
Now they are 5 and nearly 7 I enjoy their company, they are funny and bright, they are more independent in the house (get themselves a drink etc), and can help tidy their own stuff up (if only a bit).

There's only so much child-orientated days, or at-home special activities I can manage. I don't think my DC have ever appreciated the expensive kid's stuff - they were just too small to get it and I'd feel resentful that they were not thankful, such was my sleep deprived craziness. But this wasn't depression (though I had PND/ anxiety when they were tiny), it was high expectations that parenting this aged DC was going to be 'fun' - it was not.

It takes are certain type of person who can cope with, and enjoy the under 4s and its not me. All the people I know who sailed through these years had a shit ton of help from grandparents, good nursery child care, partners that pulled their weight and some kind of social life/ job.

pictish. eeeerr...it is true. We are talking about it on this thread.

I haven't taken to parenting, the reality is much harder and more boring than I imagined. I just have one kid.

Can I ask a genuine question? Those who really can't stand parenting and have more than one kid, why did you go back for more? I don't mean it in a critical way, I just always wonder about it on threads like these.

neon

I also disagree with this statement if yours:

Kids are selfish little animals who suck the lifeblood out of you.

That may be your opinion, or even your experience, but that doesn't make it true.

Neon that we are talking about it on this thread does not account for most people. Don't be silly. While I sympathise with the OP et al, I don't consider my children as selfish little animals that have sucked the life blood out of me. I am also reasonably intelligent gown woman, yet I still enjoy the company of my kids overall. Fancy that.
So no, it's not true. It's your opinion. One I'm happy not to share.

MorrisZapp. I am wondering about it too. People who find parenting shit with one child, and yet they have a second and third one. Then they log into MN and post a rant about how they never thought it would be like this. Beats me. Probably they want their kids to be friends and entertain each other so they can have a break themselves. I cannot think of any other reason.

My 4 year old has been behaving horrendously this morning. I dread to think what my neighbour thinks! She seems to have one child but is divorced so her child stays over at her dads.t I'd hate that so I put things into perspective.

As for the question about why people have more than one. For me my 4 year old was lovely before 4. Whereas my 2 year old is the opposite. I always say that if my second were my first, she would've been my last!

On another point I do feel that depression is over diagnosed by people. You are allowed to be sad in this life.

They're a brain drain. I love them to bits but the lack of mental stimulation is awful. I can't work (two dc have Sen) so it's just me. We end up doing a lot on our own as most people don't understand. I think for most it's a case of you can never ever just think of yourself. You can't just pick up and go out. It requires constant thought.

I was a sahm for 10 years. This is owing to large age gap. Ds1 was 5 yrs old when I fell pg with ds2.
Conversely, ds2 was 5 months old when I fell pg with dd.

I spent a long time as a sahm because my earning potential wasn't that which would make paying for childcare worthwhile. My kids are 15, 9 and 8 now and those circumstances have changed. I returned to study when the youngest started school and am now in a decent job with reasonable pay.

I can't speak for or instruct anyone else on how to make the most of the sahm years but for me it was all about keeping things fresh by getting out a lot, pleasing myself and not worrying about the housework too much. I never arranged my days around naps as they all kipped in the buggy wherever, so I was never confined to the house. I made other mum pals and did stuff with them, thus enjoying some adult company.
I also had plenty of days in between when I cba so I didn't. I would rotate toys for this very purpose. The Duplo, Brio, Playmobil and whatever else would be stashed away while the sticklebricks or Knex were left out. Then when they got bored of those, I'd put them away and pull out the Duplo they hadn't seen in a month or more. I'd get guaranteed peace for a while.
Believe it or not, I did a lot of reading when mine were wee.

I know 'make the most of it' is trite. I understand the eye roll element of such a statement...but remember, some things are a cliche because they're true. Try to make life a little easier by being kind and indulgent to yourself. You're sacrificing so much that you absolutely deserve it.

On another point I do feel that depression is over diagnosed by people. You are allowed to be sad in this life.

The OP didn't say she is sad. She said she is miserable and her life is shit. If I felt like this and there was no way I could change the reason for feeling this way, I would speak to my GP.

I do everything I should as a SAHM. We go out most days, meet with other friends with children, rotate toys at home, lots of screen free quality time. But I just find it miserable and dread waking up to it every day. Then there's the guilt of course. They're wonderful children, my partner is great, we have a comfortable life.

Mostly I just wondered if despite everything being 'right', others just found parenting these ages really shit.

Don't be too quick to go screen free! I mean I know it's hailed as the slippery slope to parenting hell on mumsnet but frankly they're all lying. Everyone resorts to screens. Screens have their place and that place is on those days where you just have to get off the ride.
And so what if you do? You're only human after all.

I suggest each of you picking a hobby to do one evening a week with the other one looking after the children so you get some fun, albeit not together. I'd seriously consider getting a job for a bit even if it literally just paid for nursery. I actually like my work colleagues and job and it breaks up the bits at home. Date nights sound naff but perhaps earmark one night a quater to do something together, there are even baby sitting agencies. It won't be cheap but it would be worth it.

Oh they do get screen time! Just not constantly every day.

I think you do probably need something outside the house. Being a sahm isn't for everyone and there's no shame in admitting that. It is boring. My job of choice would never have been a carer, cleaner, chef etc and that's how it's ended up. It's relentless and you don't get the option to quit. 90% crap and 10% good times.

I agree that being a sahm isn't for everyone. I enjoyed the relative freedom of being the boss but then I'd only ever had shitty, tough, low paid jobs before I became one.

Mol1628 i feel glad to have found this thread. I think my dh and myself have been feeling exactly like you. I find it mostly shit. Not much makes it better for me at the mo. I work 2 days a week and I genuinely feel this is my only sanctuary. I've grown to love my job. I love my children wholeheartedly goes without saying but it's generally drudgery. Thankless and hard work. I think you started this thread to see if others felt like you. You spoke for me. I definitely feel like you. My dh too.