I don't like my 18month old. I'm worried I don't love her either

[Faffandahalf]

This is going to be long. Sorry. I just need to get it out after another long day.

DD is 18 months. Her older brother is 5. I thought he was going to be an only and we decided we wanted another more for him than us.

I had a very traumatic birth and could have died. As with DS I had PND and didn't bond with DD at all. Didn't love her really etc. After 9 months I thought it was all ok. I was happier and she was so much more fun.

She has always been difficult however. She has always been clingy and whingy and won't go to anyone but me.

The last 2-3 months have been horrendous.

She barely eats except snacks. She won't eat any lunch or dinner except fruit but will scream and cry and tantrum for snacks. When we are out (school
Run, bus) I have to give in because I can't leave the school run for example and she will just scream and scream and try to escape from her buggy or run off screaming. I can't get on and off a bus every 5 minutes so have to give her these snacks to stop the meltdowns.

She tantrums all day long over every tiny thing. Her tantrums are not just crying but screaming thumping throwing hitting scratching.
She won't be cuddled or held during these at all and will hit me if I try.

If I tell her off or say no she screams in my face and hits me or throws things.

She doesn't play with any toys at all ever. She really doesn't. She has a passing interest in books and occasionally a toy for 5 min.
Otherwise she spends all day clinging to me following me around. She won't let me cook without clinging to my legs and screaming. She won't sit and play with me. She wants to scribble with pens which is fine so that's her only 'playing'. She then ends up trying to draw on stuff she shouldn't. Cue more screams.

I go out with her everyday I'm off work. It's ok. She's not so bad at playgroup but she is easily pissed off at the other kids and gets frustrated if she can't do things her way.

She can't sit for singing time at all. We always have to leave because she wants to get the tidied up toys out again.

There's so much more to say but I'm exhausted writing this.

She won't stay with her dad or my family at all for even a second if I'm around. I can't do bedtime with DS properly because she wants my attention all the time. She won't let him touch me. He now pretty much hates her.

I just don't like her. I'm regretting having her. I miss DS. I love him so much and I don't feel that way about her at all. He wasn't like this at all.

There are little moments where she smiles at me or cuddles me and I feel that rush of love again and hold her tight to me to soak it in. But it's not enough. I'm not coping.

Not sure what I'm asking for really. Just a sympathetic ear I suppose. I don't know how to change her behaviour.

I had a little object lesson before in how much 18mo can understand. I was trying to finish my lunch (she'd refused hers...) and she kept bringing books for me to read. I said 'Dd, Mama's going to finish her lunch, and then when it's all gone I'll read a book to you.' Off she toddled. Came straight back with two books saying 'all gone' (it wasn't) . So she got the connection between all gone and reading, but not the sequence or the causality - I think she really believed that saying 'all gone' would make it so and equal reading time. It's a very difficult stage, because their desires are ahead of their comprehension. But keep plugging away and the understanding will dawn.

I think the anxiety, esp round transition, mentioned by PPs sounds plausible. Anxiety at a pre-verbalisable stage needs reassurance. That was why my suggestion of a sling was absolutely serious. I was still carrying ds2 at this age and I'm still carrying dd. Not for long periods, but it really does help.

I'm sorry, this has no relevance but I've suddenly remembered how ds used to do tantrums - he is an active but quite cautious child, and he would start screaming, and then carefully lower himself to his knees and then once that had gone OK, to the floor in order not to hurt himself Made me laugh which always helped with the semi-ignoring (used to say to myself and ds 'When ds is feeling better we'll do some [duplo/water stuff/scooting]' 'what a shame ds isn't feeling well yet, can't wait to do some duplo' etc etc.

You've had lots of suggestions for reading but I would highly recommend ahaparenting.com - it's a bit American but the theory and principles are very in line with my parenting beliefs and we sound somewhat similar in our situations. We too had dd more as a sibling for ds than because we had a burning desire for another child - but she's very loved as a person now and it's still my first born, ds, whom I struggle to bond with. I like to think that children are all individuals and therefore we will have a slightly different bond with any one child of ours. I still feel guilt though. I don't often get that 'rushing' feeling when I look at him, but I do get it with dd. Anyway, this is your op not mine! I will say that sometimes ds wears me out so much that I spend as little time with him as possible...but his behaviour tanks the less connected we are :(

My friend's dd was a champion tantrummer but it all improved recently at just over two when she became a lot more verbal. Toddlers are often very frustrated at not being able to communicate. Dd talked in sentences by 18months but she's just impatient to grow up! Definitely get hearing checked though.

Good luck.

Are you me? My DD is the same age and exactly the same with her tantrums. She was so easy! Until she reached about 16 months and then Hell was unleashed. I just grab her arms, sling her under my arm kicking and screaming and carry on with whatever I was doing and let her scream. As long as she isn't bothering people obviously, then I cart her outside to lose her shit. On a bus there isn't really a lot you can do, I just get really stern with her and on one occasion she just refused to listen and an older man told her off which was hilarious because she just didn't know what to make of it. Stopped her screaming though. She just sort of blinked at him in shock that a stranger had spoken to her. I swear it gets easier though, DS was like it too and is mellowing out now at 3 as he can be reasoned with a bit more. I thought I'd gotten an easy ride with DD until now.

I love AHA parenting. It's a great website.
DS was so much easier but we still had some issues and I used so much from there.
Most is for older kids though isn't it but I will have a look again

Can I also suggest fillial play therapy? Essentially you playing with your child but guided and supported by a trained therapist. I think it would help you to increase your sense of bond and also to deal/get to the bottom of her behaviour.

I've been fortunate with my toddler's behaviour but have used principle of the above myself as has terrible PTSD after DC1's traumatic birth and still have (totally made up term!) attachment anxiety, meaning I panic whenever he is ill or grumpy that DC doesn't love me or that I have failed! He does and I haven't. It's more my issue iyswim!

It's good isn't it. Laura markham also does an online parenting course that I've toyed with signing up for. How to talk have brought out a book for younger kids now so that might be worth a look?

Oh OP you poor thing. I'm certain the birth and few hours without you won't have damaged her in any way but it probably has damaged you emotionally.

It does sound as though you need to be firm with boundaries and ignoring as wolfie says, but I get that you can't do that if you are doubting your bond with her. I'd talk it all over with someone if I were you. Isn't there a service that the midwives offer after traumatic births, kind of like a debriefing?