I don't like my 18month old. I'm worried I don't love her either

[Faffandahalf]

This is going to be long. Sorry. I just need to get it out after another long day.

DD is 18 months. Her older brother is 5. I thought he was going to be an only and we decided we wanted another more for him than us.

I had a very traumatic birth and could have died. As with DS I had PND and didn't bond with DD at all. Didn't love her really etc. After 9 months I thought it was all ok. I was happier and she was so much more fun.

She has always been difficult however. She has always been clingy and whingy and won't go to anyone but me.

The last 2-3 months have been horrendous.

She barely eats except snacks. She won't eat any lunch or dinner except fruit but will scream and cry and tantrum for snacks. When we are out (school
Run, bus) I have to give in because I can't leave the school run for example and she will just scream and scream and try to escape from her buggy or run off screaming. I can't get on and off a bus every 5 minutes so have to give her these snacks to stop the meltdowns.

She tantrums all day long over every tiny thing. Her tantrums are not just crying but screaming thumping throwing hitting scratching.
She won't be cuddled or held during these at all and will hit me if I try.

If I tell her off or say no she screams in my face and hits me or throws things.

She doesn't play with any toys at all ever. She really doesn't. She has a passing interest in books and occasionally a toy for 5 min.
Otherwise she spends all day clinging to me following me around. She won't let me cook without clinging to my legs and screaming. She won't sit and play with me. She wants to scribble with pens which is fine so that's her only 'playing'. She then ends up trying to draw on stuff she shouldn't. Cue more screams.

I go out with her everyday I'm off work. It's ok. She's not so bad at playgroup but she is easily pissed off at the other kids and gets frustrated if she can't do things her way.

She can't sit for singing time at all. We always have to leave because she wants to get the tidied up toys out again.

There's so much more to say but I'm exhausted writing this.

She won't stay with her dad or my family at all for even a second if I'm around. I can't do bedtime with DS properly because she wants my attention all the time. She won't let him touch me. He now pretty much hates her.

I just don't like her. I'm regretting having her. I miss DS. I love him so much and I don't feel that way about her at all. He wasn't like this at all.

There are little moments where she smiles at me or cuddles me and I feel that rush of love again and hold her tight to me to soak it in. But it's not enough. I'm not coping.

Not sure what I'm asking for really. Just a sympathetic ear I suppose. I don't know how to change her behaviour.

There are loads of great toothbrushes out there - spending a tune while you brush - it might just be something simple that helps!

Also as you've made the decision not to offer snacks - stick to it - don't buy any - don't take any out - so it's a no - everyrime

Hi OP' this sounds like a really difficult situation for you.

A few pearls of wisdom from me:
Was the birth traumatic for dd too? I believe that very early trauma can cause an excessive cortisol which can then make a child more prone to anxiety. They can also have a lower threshold for coping with things. Could she be anxious when you are not able to be with her rather than tantrumming?

With regard to PND. I had it after my third dc and it took me ages to feel that spontaneous gut-wrenching love again. I am sure that will come back, I have an amazing bond with her now because of everything we went through together, ( although I hope she doesn't know how ill I was).

As for snacks and things, I would try turning this on its head. All my kids were/are grazers so I would suggest going with it. Take the power struggle out of it. Buy her a special lunch bag and choose the stuff to go in it with her. Give it to her when you are off to school etc. she then gets what she wants and feels like it is something just for her. You haven't 'given in', she's happy, hopefully.

HTH

Faff you sound like an awesome, loving parent. I agree with everyone though who's saying ignore tantrums. The quickest way to get them to stop is to ignore them - speak calmly and clearly but don't let her get her own way. Every time you give in you're teaching her to scream louder and harder next time you're trying to be strong.
It's not fair on your eldest to have to "swap" with your partner. I would get everyone on board - tell your in laws and partner that you're going to be tougher on tantrums and that it might be painful in the short-term but you think it will improve. Then love bomb her when she's being really good. When she's well behaved that's when she gets all your attention.
I don't think an 18mo would understand consequences etc either so don't worry about development too much. Neither of mine had
Many words at that age

I think getting your in laws to fully pitch in just for a month or so could help. You need help. Letting them have a quiet dinner or an uninterrupted shopping trip just aren't important when things are tough.

You can't brush her teeth either? I so had a child like this! You do need to pick your battles but you sound almost scared of her kicking off. You're the parent. She doesn't get to dictate how the entire household runs.
I stand by ignoring tantrums. Even my dog can understand that if she does as I ask she gets a positive consequence and behaving badly won't get what she wants. She is not 7 months old yet so I'm fairly sure an 18 month old human can make the same link!

Yes the birth was traumatic all round. She was bigger than expected at 9.5 pounds. Wouldn't come out despite forceps and ventouse and then when her heart rate dipped I had a emcs and lost 2/3 of all the blood in my body. I didn't actually hold or see her for about 5-6 hours after she was born. DH was given her in a separate room and expected me to die tbh. Sigh. It wasn't great. I also had complications pre and post birth from an epidural which didn't work so most of this was without drugs.

Anyway I'm sure the trauma may have affected her too esp not even being held by her mum for hours after she was born.

wolfie she won't let me brush them. She just wants to suck on the brush and play with the water. So repeatedly stick brush under tap and then suck all the water out. I went with it for a while but it's clear she wasn't actually getting any benefit from this! I have now restated to having to pin down her arms and just brush for about 20 seconds while she thrashes and screams. It's the best I can manage

*resorted to

Also I forgot to say it is really easy to get into the 'low expectation, poor outcome' mindset, I know because I was like this with one of my dc's for years. Every day I would say to myself tomorrow will be better and start off with the best of intentions only for everything to slide pretty rapidly. I was always expecting the worse and so got it somehow. If you can have a think about radically overhauling the way you all do things and have a united front this might help.

I also forgot to ask if she likes outdoorsy things? Walking and exercise always helped mine when they were toddlers and me too as everything seemed a bit easier when we were outside.

My dd was a bit like this. It was really hard work

When she got to about 9, it became apparent that it was anxiety that was the driving force. Once we understood this it all clicked into place. She wanted to be in control of stuff and when she couldn't be we had meltdowns.

The the no that was really bad for her (and still is now) is any form of transition. When l used to collect her from her childminders when she wax 18 months old, she would lie on the kitchen floor screaming for about 3/4 of an hour. It was just hideous.

I hope this helps a bit.

Have you thought about seeing a Clinical Psychologist rather than a counsellor? He/ she could observe dd's behaviour and talk to you too. Then come up with some evidence-based suggestions for you to implement. Worked wonders for one of my dc's. Sometimes a professional viewpoint can show you ways to 'manage' behaviours. I have had to do a massive about-turn in the way that I parent one of my dc's and alter some of the core beliefs that I had about parenting. At the moment it is working and I would recommend getting a third party involved if there are a few things going on in the mix.

Does your children's centre have any links with an Occupational Therapist service? There's a few things that make me wonder if she's sensory seeking, having had a toddler who used screaming/clinging/ chewing everything and wanting to eat constantly to try and regulate himself and feel more comfortable, and was bloody hard work at this age.

With you putting your ds to bed - is popping her in the car for a short drive, or strapping her in the buggy for a walk around the block possible for dh to do? That used to be one of the few things that peeled mine down off the ceiling and gave everyone else a break at the same time.

I just came back to say same as emoji I think Dd has massive anxiety, but obviously couldn't verbalise at a young age. Part of my solution was to understand her triggers (legion though they were) and try to accommodate. She needs to feel that she has some sort of control over her life, which leads to clingy behaviour and freak outs if there are sudden changes. I did lots of explaining: "we're going to sit down in a minute and have fish fingers fit tea, then we're going to..." repeated forever.

If all else fails (memorable tantrum because she wanted a banana and we said she could have one ), we used to(and sometimes still do) let her lie on the floor kicking off, while we step over her. Took me a long time to realise that at that point, she just needed to be picked up and cuddled until it was over. She is her own worst enemy, but I have limited patience and often lose my temper before the resolution.

I know it seems like you have to give in to stop the tantrum but at the other side of the tantrum they will accept the situation. Maybe leave really early for everything ( if you can) and factor in time for this. My dd draws out the bedtime routine as much as possible and I started getting really irritable and snappy. Now we start it at 5: 30 and I can just chill out about it. Remember that they are learning hot the world works but trying different things to get what they want. Unfortunately your dc is learning to tantrum to get what they want and that they don't have to eat meal because snacks will be provided.

BTW DD has had a chocolate bunny for breakfast. I'm not judging you!

I found it tough when DD was around that age too. For different reasons, but I also had similar feelings of just wanting DD on her own again, his behaviour was pretty bad and would barely eat (didn't really ask for snacks, just was sooo fussy). Things did get better though - you have to be firm and consistent and follow through - you say she was ok for your Dh when you were away so it proves that she will go to bed for him, etc. Good luck! DS is 13 now and while he's not been an easy child, he is very lovable!!

I agree with giving warnings and notifications before a transition. I.e. We are going to do x in x minutes.

But l don't know how much 18 month olds actually understand😳

Oh OP, I really really feel for you. You must be at your wits end.
Not much advice from me but I agree with a lot of what hetero says.
I can't understand for the life of me ignoring a child's distress. She's struggling, and expressing her frustration/difficult emotion the only way she is capable of. Time outs and ignoring only fuel a disconnect between caregiver and child. I really believe children need connection (that's not the same thing as pandering or giving in) in order to regulate their emotions. Acknowledgement of their feelings ("you are upset because xyz") while setting firm limits helps them feel secure and understood.
Attention and cuddles shouldn't be only reserved for when children are being "good". They learn they're only worth loving when they're being "good"! I find when, (barring any underlying food/health issues) they feel acknowledged and supported and the boundaries and limits are clear and set firmly but calmly then tantrums are often prevented or at least pass much quicker.
I wish you all the best

*I agree with giving warnings and notifications before a transition. I.e. We are going to do x in x minutes.

But l don't know how much 18 month olds actually understand*😳

My 17m old understands a lot but stuff like that is still a bit advanced for her, she very much lives in the moment! She doesn't understand why I won't give her a snack when her dinner will be ready in 10 mins! That's why I think distraction is key at this age more than anything else.

18 months can understand, at the most, two key bits of verbal information at a time - so for example, 'get your book and your ball'. They don't why / because, or consequences, or concepts, or reasons, or sequences like 'now we will do X, then we will do Y'. So distraction, or 'no' and then remove them from the situation, is absolutely the way forward.

*don't understand why / because

I dunno , it sounds harder than it "should" do. It's not impossible that she has some additional needs, probably minor ones, as her freak-outs are mainly around her trying to control you (rather than all her adults). SALT referral might be a good start if appropriate.

As soon as I started reading the op my first question was 'is it because she's vile?' As in the child. Dd2 was a limpet like this and dn was utterly vile at that age. Both of them grew out of it after 2ish.

Op I fully sympathise that was an exhausting stage!

You need some time away from this. Can you go out for a bit and food shop or something when your shopping gets in? Fully agree with other posters you need to stop giving in to her on everything immediately. I'm not judging you in the slightest I just think you will lose your mind if you don't get some control back x

Op, I work with children in this age range, plus I have my own toddlers. I really feel for you, I've been through similar with both of mine and it's so bloody relentless and soul destroying. I get it.

All my training has emphasised the importance of physical contact, conversation (not necessarily verbal), positive reinforcement and acknowledgement of the child and their feelings. Your DD hasn't learnt to calm herself (which is totally normal at 18 months), so she needs you to A) calm her and B) teach her how to calm herself. Each child is different in terms of what works for them, some need to be left alone, some need you to sit quietly in the room with them, some need to be held, rarely do they need to be spoken to as they can't process what you're saying when they're so worked up, however soothing noises may help.

Something that I've found incredibly useful is building on your relationship during moments of calm. I know the temptation is when they're calm to go and get on with other things, but actually that's the time you need to put the effort in - play with them but really really play, watch what they are doing and get involved, narrate their play, find a connection. It's tiring, but it will strengthen your bond and therefore make your child more secure and less clingy. It will make them feel loved and important and listened to which will over time reduce their tantrums.

Give her choices. She's only little so may not understand depending on her cognitive ability but for instance if she needs a sleep "do you want to sleep in the pram or in the bed?" Etc.

Feel free to PM me if you have any specific questions, I am by no means an expert but I have some professional experience as well as some parenting experience and maybe something we come up with together might click.