I don't like my 18month old. I'm worried I don't love her either

[Faffandahalf]

This is going to be long. Sorry. I just need to get it out after another long day.

DD is 18 months. Her older brother is 5. I thought he was going to be an only and we decided we wanted another more for him than us.

I had a very traumatic birth and could have died. As with DS I had PND and didn't bond with DD at all. Didn't love her really etc. After 9 months I thought it was all ok. I was happier and she was so much more fun.

She has always been difficult however. She has always been clingy and whingy and won't go to anyone but me.

The last 2-3 months have been horrendous.

She barely eats except snacks. She won't eat any lunch or dinner except fruit but will scream and cry and tantrum for snacks. When we are out (school
Run, bus) I have to give in because I can't leave the school run for example and she will just scream and scream and try to escape from her buggy or run off screaming. I can't get on and off a bus every 5 minutes so have to give her these snacks to stop the meltdowns.

She tantrums all day long over every tiny thing. Her tantrums are not just crying but screaming thumping throwing hitting scratching.
She won't be cuddled or held during these at all and will hit me if I try.

If I tell her off or say no she screams in my face and hits me or throws things.

She doesn't play with any toys at all ever. She really doesn't. She has a passing interest in books and occasionally a toy for 5 min.
Otherwise she spends all day clinging to me following me around. She won't let me cook without clinging to my legs and screaming. She won't sit and play with me. She wants to scribble with pens which is fine so that's her only 'playing'. She then ends up trying to draw on stuff she shouldn't. Cue more screams.

I go out with her everyday I'm off work. It's ok. She's not so bad at playgroup but she is easily pissed off at the other kids and gets frustrated if she can't do things her way.

She can't sit for singing time at all. We always have to leave because she wants to get the tidied up toys out again.

There's so much more to say but I'm exhausted writing this.

She won't stay with her dad or my family at all for even a second if I'm around. I can't do bedtime with DS properly because she wants my attention all the time. She won't let him touch me. He now pretty much hates her.

I just don't like her. I'm regretting having her. I miss DS. I love him so much and I don't feel that way about her at all. He wasn't like this at all.

There are little moments where she smiles at me or cuddles me and I feel that rush of love again and hold her tight to me to soak it in. But it's not enough. I'm not coping.

Not sure what I'm asking for really. Just a sympathetic ear I suppose. I don't know how to change her behaviour.

It's hard to explain about the tantrums. Maybe that's the wrong word. Most of the time it's not giving in about stuff. Ok yes the snacks and bedtime.

But usually her screaming episodes are about everything and nothing.
Her breakfast, nappy change, not getting her milk fast enough, just being on a train, giving her a piece of my toast instead of the whole thing, taking something away from her etc etc.
I know some of this is normal but it's constant.

And also she is just generally very grumpy and whingy about everything. that is just her nature. She's miserable all the time.

DH was trying to distract her and pick her up but she pushed and hit him away and screamed louder when he tried to take her away,
Fighting out of his arms and refusing to be distracted or subdued. He honestly
Could not have done anything else.

She does get a lot of my attention. DS is in reception. He is the one missing out.
On my days off from work I am with her all day long for every minute she's not asleep. I can't be with her any more than that!

' People are mentioning explaining things to her, telling her consequences, telling her to do things by herself. '

On this thread? Or elsewhere?

I haven't read any comments like this on this thread, and certainly wouldn't expect her to be able to do much by herself or to understand complex consequences expressed in verbal terms. It doesn't sound like she has a speech delay at the moment. I would never explain that much to an 18 month old if there were a tantrum in the offing. Distraction was the name of the game at this age but perhaps her concentration and determination are too good for this to work on her.

It's pretty old now and perhaps people don't like it any more but I found Toddler Taming pretty comforting at this sort of age. So much of toddlerhood is just about management and logistics - getting from point A to point B, usually via points X, Y and Z, without everyone wanting to die in the process.

Your poor dd. She's tiny. Part of this will be her picking up on your feelings. She can't articulate her distress in any other way. The poor, poor little love.

She's too young to understand ignoring and consequences. I have an 18mo (and two much older dc) and the very beginnings of understanding are just dawning but it will take a while to be fully there. She wants to eat little and often - let her! It's how pre-weaning babies eat, after all. She's tantrumming because she's hungry. Get a sling. Keep her with you while doing things with ds - read to him then to her at bedtime. Don't encourage him to 'hate' her. He will be picking up on your feelings too.

Please, get some decent therapy, and quickly. I'm very worried indeed about your idolisation of your ds compared to her, negative comparison of her to him, and your saying you had her more to give him a sibling. This has the potential to become a very, very damaging dynamic indeed. Your little girl did not ask to be born, but she is here and she deserves to be loved as much as your ds is, not for you to get replies on here that reassure you that it's normal and OK to feel as you do. I don't doubt that it is hard for you, and you deserve help and sympathy, but what you describe is more than ordinary frazzled exhaustion, it's serious.

I don't mean to be harsh, but you really, really have to deal with this.

Sound really tough op
Look up Hand in Hand Parenting, and see if you can go a course near you. Totally different, life changing, family improving approach.

I don't think ignoring tantrums always works TBH. That technique assumes the child has control over her outbursts, and she is doing it to manipulate you.

She is only very young and its likely that she is genuinely upset, overwhelmed and unable to deal with her feelings without your help. She needs someone to explain how she feels and reassure her. That's not to say you should give in, although I am a massive fan of picking your battles.

I've found this age very difficult with both my children: they're mobile, they have their own desires and opinions, but have VERY little understanding and no sense whatsoever.

haybales I don't disagree with most
Of what you've written. I don't feel like my feelings are normal even though
I feel fine generally.
I do love DS more and I guess that isn't normal either. I don't encourage him to hate her. We are constantly pulling him up on any thing he does like pushing her around or whatever. He's not an angel at all but he is a little boy struggling too.

I'm not going to therapy again. I had it when she was born and it's not for me.

I will try harder I guess to ensure she doesn't pick up on my
Frustrations.

Trying to distract her and and pick her up? No. Walk away. Leave her to it. Stop interacting with her and trying to pacify her when she's kicking off.
Tantrums can be anticipated and often avoided. Distraction is key. BUT once they start. Ignore.

She definitely has no control. When she screams she screams and ignoring does nothing to stop that

I agree the swapping tonight wasn't great but again we have to consider the rest of the family too

I think you are focussing on the wrong thing. I'm not saying ignoring the tantrum will instantly stop it. But giving attention or giving her what she wants will teach her that tantrums get a good outcome. So she will do it more.

What do you want to do?

But the rest of the family will suffer more if giving in to tantrums means she continues this behaviour to get what she wants.

I don't ignore tantrums as it just leaves my dd more frustrated and she gets in a state. Doesn't do either of us any good.

I try to verbalise her feelings for her (she can't really talk yet). "Oh, I can see how cross you are. It's so frustrating not being allowed to do that isn't it". Then distract or divert. She calms down much quicker this way.

She doesn't understand reasoning or consequences yet as she's far too young but she does respond to warmth and empathy.

Hi,

I just wanted to say I have had a similar experience to you with my youngest DS (I have DS1 3yo and DS2 now 2yo)
My first DS was an absolute delight, a 'perfect textbook' baby, then when DS2 arrived and basically screamed from birth till he was 2 it was a shock to say the least!
He did have severe gastric problems as a young baby, however by 1yo he was fine but was still very grumpy and whingy and then by the time he hit about 20 months he went full steam ahead into toddler tantrums of epic proportions and I, like you, had stopped taking him anywhere in fear of him doing it in public.
What the other posters have advised Is correct, in that you need to ignore this behaviour. I reached breaking point with it and decided I wasn’t going to be dictated to by a 2yo anymore! I started ignoring all the tantrums regardless of where we were or what we doing and he is a much better child for it.
He still plays up every now and then, if we are out I just walk off and say ‘bye then’ and he comes running after me and puts his hand up to be held and then usually walks nicely. This has taken a lot of perseverance and I still have days where I think ‘what have I done to deserve this’!
I totally get where you are coming from when you say you don’t think you like your DS, and in my opinion that is okay because sometimes it so hard and with what seems like no reward! You just need to set boundaries and you will be surprised how quickly It works, just stick with it and get the rest of the family onboard too, so she gets the same treatment from everyone when she is having a tantrum!
Good luck x

My sympathies OP, it's tough living with thai kind of situation. I do think you may have to be firmer and get everyone on board. I notice you said you don't want to put in-laws through these 'tantrums' at dinner but I do agree that placating her short term is causing more problems long term. I also agree that some counselling might help you to look at your feelings. It can't be easy to feel like you don't really like your child?

What's her sleep like?

Gosh it sounds hard. I agree that an 18-month old can't be expected to really understand consequences of her actions, and certainly there's a very wide range of comprehension at that age. Do you have friends IRL with children of similar ages?

"Get a sling" really isn't always the answer to everything.

Have you spoken to your GP about her development?

I wouldn't ignore her tantrums. She's far too young to understand why you're ignoring her and it certainly won't stop her tantruming again.

I agree with pp who talked about love bombing.

It's really hard but it's much easier to change your expectations of her that it us to change her behaviour.

I feel your pain as one of my twins was like this, and as he was one of 4 all pretty close in age, it was a nightmare. He would flip if he was physically separated from me, and once we ditched the cot and stairgates so he could come and find me if he wanted to, things started to improve.

Like your Dd though, he was fine if I was completely absent. Getting time with my other 3 was really hard but we all survived and now they're older it's all evening out nicely. He's 5 now and still has his high maintenance moments but it's an awful lot better than it was.

I do know though, that he has NEVER calmed down from a tantrum by being ignored. No amount of naughty step / threats to remove toys / other consequence type responses have EVER worked.

When he's having a paddy it's because he feels that I'm not listening or understanding his point of view. The sooner we get to the bottom of his problem, the sooner we can all move on ( I appreciate this is easier at 5 than 18 mths!)

My advice would be, don't sweat the small stuff ( carry a stash of healthy snacks so if she wants something she can have it)

Try and arrange some time with your DS alone, if possible. Easier said than done I'm sure, but hopefully you can make it happen.

It will get easier, I promise

My friend's son was similar. Clingy, whining all the time, tantrums. Never happy. Dislikable. We all disliked him. His mum loved him but I'd say she found it exhausting and had to limit her social activities because of him.
Starting school was the turning point. He transferred all his attention and adoration to his female teachers. Then after a couple more years he grew into a lovely boy and very bright. He's calm and a great brother too.
I know it's hard but I've seen it go from horrors to great. Wishing you the same

Multivac oh,but apparently it is.

OP the situation sounds awful . Besides all the advice already given, I'd say it's very important to pick your battles. Pick some things that are absolutely essential (for her safety,health,development) and stick to those as regards to ignoring,not giving in etc. It must be tiring to try and do it all day every day over most things.
What does she like to do? You say she's clingy and just wants to be with you,but what do you do then? What does she do?
If all she likes to do is draw,maybe have a look into aqua doodle? Since it's water it won't matter if she gets it places she's not supposed to. What about messy/sensory play? Dd at that age wasn't big with playing with toys,even with me,but muck about with sand,water,bubbles,paints etc(and drawing) always got her attention.
Now that the weather is nicer can you spend some 1 on 1 time with DS outside the house? If you're not there,you're not there.
Start small. Set realistic goals and tackle one thing at a time. Set a time where you just spend time with her,doing what she wants,and enjoying her. Make it as stress free as possible and be in the moment,not worry about housework,what you might need to do later,when the next tantrum is going to come etc.

HeteronormativeHaybales.
Really?? I think you are being totally over dramatic about OPs situation. She's on her knees and doesn't need hysterical clap trap .
OP I agree with wolfie.. do not give in once the tantrum has started.. if you do it really enforces the fact that she will get her way if she screams. At 18 mts she really will be learning that her actions result in you at her disposal. I feel for you it's a really difficult time for you