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Parenting

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Original poster

Children's behaviour much worse when both me and DH around

32 replies

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 18:44

2 DC age 6 and just turned 4. They have their moments with just one of us but this is manageable and they generally behave.

When both DH and I are around (he is their father) their behaviour is so much worse. I have just google searched and found no advice at all but maybe I was searching the wrong thing? Today as soon as he came in from work they started screaming and shouting and generally running wild and have now missed out on their television programme and been sent to bed early.

It seems ridiculous that it is harder when we are all together than if one of us has both DC on our own. Any tips anyone?

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Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 18:47

Should add so as not to drip feed... they are even more excitable with grandparents and I did recently post for some advice on that. The grandparent thing though is I think because they see them infrequently. They see DH every day .

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ShoutOutToMyEx · 28/02/2017 19:17

The excitement of Daddy coming home combined with the timing - 5-6pm, the beginning of bedtime routines, tiredness, all combining to make a perfect storm? I remember my siblings and I were at our worst when our dad came home from work.

Of course it wouldn't explain weekends, though.

Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 19:19

Definitely a perfect storm! Perhaps it is just normal on a weekday then . DH came home an hour early today but tbh that is worse as it is just an hour more of bad behaviour. I could deal with it in the week if weekends were not also difficult (although thinking about it they are better than weekdays).

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ImperialBlether · 28/02/2017 19:20

When he comes home do you and he chat to each other for a while? I wondered if the children felt (unreasonably!) excluded by that.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 28/02/2017 19:22

I bet they wind each other up too, OP, that's probably part of it.

Shop · 28/02/2017 19:22

My DCs can sometimes be like this. It's because some of my attention will be focused on their dad not them and obviously his will be split with me and DCs

Lapinlapin · 28/02/2017 19:22

How strange! I have 2, similar ages, and they are also often worse if two adults (I.e dh and I, or one of us +GP) are present.

Never realised other people experienced the same. Sorry, no advice though. If I had, I'd have sorted my own dc out

Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 19:24

Hmm, yes we do, after he has said hello to DC etc. I started making more of an effort to talk to him when he came in as we went through a phase of me barely acknowledging home when he came in the door (busy, DC eating / needing bathing / tidying kitchen etc). He would arrive home in the middle of it and TBH it was easier to ignore him.

Realised that wasn't the best idea when he (not unreasonably!) pointed out that it was a bit miserable to arrive home and be barely acknowledged.

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LittleEpisode · 28/02/2017 19:25

My DD age 5 is exactly the same! Starts as soon as DH comes in from work! I was referring to it as 'behavioural colic' as it reminded me of how she was as a baby but with her general behaviour rather than the crying! Also wondered whether it's because the attention was taken away solely from her. Sorry no advice but you're definitely not alone!

Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 19:27

Few xposts there. Thanks for replies. Lapin, yes I have a friend with the same problem. Her DC are older; they have 'solved' it by taking them out one parent and one child but that doesn't leave any real family time.

Shop, I wonder if that's part of it but don't know how to solve it. Shout they absolutely wind each other up.

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Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 19:28

Has anyone found anything that works?!

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LittleLostRoeDeer · 28/02/2017 19:28

Yep, same here too! My partner was getting quite stressed about it, until I pointed out that while we do agree on most things, we are still different in our approach to things. So while I'm more relaxed about letting them have a biscuit and watch some telly if they I.e. Me needs a rest; he's more relaxed about letting them wear whatever they want and jump off high things! We try now to meet a little bit more in the middle at weekends, discuss things a bit more with each other and try to put on a united front. If we disagree with something the other has done, we have either a whispered conversation in the kitchen or later that day. It's not perfect, and they do occasionally still try to play us off each other, but it's certainly better than it was.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 28/02/2017 19:34

Yes, my ds is like this. He's really hard work on the weekends whereas his behaviour is generally extremely good when just with me. It's because he likes sole attention, but unfortunately he's going to have to learn that isn't always possible...

Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 19:35

We did disagree a on discipline (I'm much softer but I have started to recognise they need me to be firmer and he has chilled out a bit) but have tried to meet in the middle.

I am willing to try to change things, I think we both are, but I don't know where to start as the behaviour is fairly specific to when we are all together.

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Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 19:36

So do you think it's that they are not getting each parent's full attention then in their minds? Surely they are getting more attention overall though? Or is that trying to use adult logic for children?

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BlackMirror · 28/02/2017 19:37

Exactly the same here! I find it so much easier to do bedtime alone.

We split them up so he takes one and plays quietly while I put one down

Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 19:39

This is depressing reading but it feels good to know we are not alone! What on earth is the secret and why is this not mentioned in any parenting information?!

Bedtime actually is better with both of us as we also split them up.

LittleLost, could you be specific about what you did to improve things please?

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NataliaOsipova · 28/02/2017 19:41

Are you at home with them all day? I'm a SAHM and I used to find that my kids would "put on a bit of a show" for Daddy. I think it was because they were used to a) having my attention and b) my boundaries and they liked to see if they could push things a bit when the dynamic was slightly different....

Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 19:44

I work two days a week and the odd short weekend shift. So I am at home with them a lot yes (although DC1 is at school).

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Muddlingalongalone · 28/02/2017 19:48

My 2 are 5 & 2 and do this with grandparents & their dad when we talk to them on facetime mid-week. They go absolutely crazy & stop listening completely.
For my 2 it's a combination of tiredness/silliness & showing off. It's only 1 or 2 x per week so I tend to go with it for a few mins & let them have their fun chasing each other around etc & then given them 5,2,1 min warnings & turn the lights off to herd them upstairs.
Glad it's not just mine but no advice. Hopefully it's just a phase

Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 19:56

I will cling to that idea of a phase! Sadly they have been like this for over a year so it is a long one.

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Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 20:29

Bumping in the hope of some magic or not so magic answers

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LittleLostRoeDeer · 28/02/2017 21:02

Well we try to make sure the kids get some time with just their dad, and it gives me a break as well. So he takes them swimming and to the park every Sunday morning. He likes doing it by himself as well, as usually we're either together or the kids are with me (SAHM). We're just really firm on if one parent has said something, then we both say the same. We've also compromised a bit on how we actually spend the whole weekend. He always wants to be out and about doing stuff, whereas I do a lot on the week with the kids so like to chill out a bit at home. So we tend to do one day of each now and everyone's a bit less frazzled and happier together. It's probably more our attitude towards it, rather than specific things we've implemented.

booksandcoffee · 28/02/2017 21:12

My 14 yr old SD behaves better with just me than when my DP (her mum) is here as well.

Original poster

RainbowBriteRules · 28/02/2017 21:16

14 . There is no hope! I was hoping it would improve. Thanks Littlelost.

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