I think I've failed to help my 9yo grow up, please help.

[freshstart24]

I have an almost 10yo DS. He is a lovely sunny happy boy, but isn't very mature for his age. Until now I've felt that this is ok because I thought there is really no rush to grow up, and I guess I'm guilty of unknowingly encouraging him to stay immature.

For example, he isn't bothered about how he looks, his hair cut or what he wears; he loves teddies and cuddles and chats to them; he shows no interest in becoming more independent and has to be nagged to clean up after himself and remember things; he is very cuddly; he talks in a baby voice quite often; he is very sensitive.

I recently helped on a school trip and was struck by the difference in his peers. I felt like a bad parent as he was possibly the only boy without deodorant or hair gel. His room mates realised his attachment to his teddy and used this to upset him- causing him to be in tears which made things very tricky for me as he really wanted me to comfort him- but I felt this would open him up to further torment.

I feel like I have failed to help him grow up as he should. I've looked at my parenting through fresh eyes and wonder if subconsciously I don't want him to grow up too fast, so have ended up making him immature and ill equipped to deal with his peers. Everyone is different but my feelings on fashionable hairstyles and trendy clothes on kids is that they look a bit strange and overdone- but I think I've been wrong about this now.

Part of me feels I should embrace him as he is, and not make him feel rubbish for his immaturity. Another part of me feels I should help him mature.

I don't really know where to start in helping him grow up and be less childish.

Please, any thoughts or ideas would be much appreciated.

Meh about hair gel /deodorant/clothes. My 8yo is more conscious about that and my 13yo is quite a slob.

Agree wholeheatedly with Backt0Black. It's all well and good being so sweet and lovely but I speak as that kid who was bullied for not fitting in. It was for different reasons e.g my parents wanted me to dress in a certain way - it had little effect on me during primary so I was none the wiser but come secondary it was really awkward and my self esteem took a hammering.

Of course it's wrong that bullying etc happens and we should all be free to be who we are and develop in our own way but back in the real world looking and feeling different can have very lasting consequences.

As an aside my 13 1/2 yo DSS still plays with toys in the garden, can't do up his shoelaces and is too scared to get the bus by himself. I feel really sorry for him.

What sort of films are you pushing your 9 year old to watch Starlight?

Cubs /scouts has been really good for confidence and friendship building. It's good to have something that makes you realise there's people outside of school without the same set views.

This

I don't think the "fit in or you'll be bullied" message is always the best one though.

That's how my mum brought me up, to always be worried about what other people thought. Bullies sense weakness- the more i tried to fit in, the more i got bullied- ooh look at her, she has x trainers, does she think she's cool or something. After i told my mum someone was mean about my eyebrows,- She's had her brows waxed, won't make her pretty...every time i changed something it was another opening to bully.

Eventually i though sod it, and started to do what i liked and wanted. I found friends who also didn't conform, and the bullies had no power any more.

My dd doesn't fit in. She's 13, has short hair, won't wear a bra or crop because she's flat chested, wears clothes she likes rather than fashionable ones. It is all entirely her choice, and people can't tease because she's confident in her choices- rather than feeling she has to change everytime someone makes a comment.

My dd same age is exactly the same. The teacher said only this week that she is using a baby voice at school. The school also complained that she expected the teaching assistant to dry her after swimming . She is in age 14 clothes and head and shoulders above the 9 year old boys but emotionally she is very immature.

I am really surprised that boys of 9 are into deodorants and hair gel. Having said that my dd is starting puberty.

There are signs she is growing up eg she doesn't want cuddles any more and is quite happy on minecraft or the x box for ages.

I think I have kept my dd young. I don't dress her but I will do her coat up as she finds it difficult and wouldn't do it herself so would freeze. I still wash her hair but when she is 10 I will encourage her to do it herself. I make her ask for what she wants in a restaurant although she is shy. I have recently stopped the bedtime story. I felt a bit mean as she still wanted it but I have done it for nearly ten years and as she is going to bed later these days I am just exhausted!

9 is still really young surely but perhaps think about starting to give him more responsibility ready for secondary school.

He is almost in secondary school so really does need to learn to be more independent. Good luck OP

I think there are two categories of things here: life skills and fitting in with peers.

The life skills are essential- teach him to cook and clean (himself and other things) and learn how to be able to live independently. How to cross a road, how to buy things in a shop etc. He doesn't need to know how to do everything NOW but he should be learning them.

Fitting in with peers is different. He doesn't need to be the same as everyone else with the gel in his hair and the same interests. He can be who he wants to be. Ideally he needs to be himself, whilst protecting himself from others by being strong enough in himself that others opinions don't upset him.

Deodorant fits in both- if he doesn't need to wear it and doesn't want to, that's fine. If he needs it, he should use it. If he wants it, he can use it.

And there will never ever be anything wrong with him wanting to hug his mum.

I teach Year 5. They are all different. None of them wear deodorant (some really should!) and I know loads of them have teddies. If any of them use a baby voice with me, I ask if they would like to go back to reception. They don't do it any more.

In some ways, they are all very immature but some more than others. I have two (boy and a girl) that stand out. They both cry a lot. The rest of the class are starting to notice. They show concern at the moment but it will soon turn to laughing at them I'm sure. I desperately want to toughen the boy up (he is 'worse' than the girl) because I fear he will be torn apart at secondary school. I am trying to build his confidence but everything I do, his mum undoes at home.

Crying is hard to stop though, if you cry rather than, say, shout to release tension

If you aren't ready to let him cross the main roads near you yet then go to a big shop like the big tesco or ASDA and give him a shopping list to do the shopping in aisles 1 - 10 and you do shopping in aisles 11 - 20 iyswim

What I mean is give him a task to do within the same shop as you but away from you iyswim

Then if that works then do the same with a shopping mall ask him to go to Boots to buy some toothpaste while you go to smiths to buy some birthday cards

Just a gentle way to get him used to shopping away from you but in a safe way that hopefully will give you both confidence that he can be OK without you

Oh I know crying is hard to stop. I cry. But it's about knowing when crying would be an overreaction.

Just yesterday he lost where he was when marking his maths questions (the answers were clear on the board) so he broke down sobbing and tantrumming. Refused to look up and talk to me. My TA tried to get him to leave with her so I could carry on with the rest of the class and he was saying no. It was only when she said that ignoring her instruction would lead to him getting into trouble that he moved. She tried to chat with him about whether or not the situation was worthy of his reaction but he just sobbed.

Oh no!

That sounds more like an emotional problem than growing up slowly...?

I've got a nearly 9 yo. He does the baby voice - it does my head in. I agree with pp - it's good to get them doing stuff independently, but fashionable haircuts and deodorant have got nothing to do with that. 9 year olds (or in fact any year-olds) shouldn't be made to feel they have to care about that stuff unless they want to or unless they are smelly or inappropriately unkempt! I have an 11 yo dd. Many of her peers are caked in make-up and squeezing their school books inti designer handbags. Dd has a rucksack and has to be reminded to brush her hair. I know which I'd prefer!

No, he has no 'problems' been tested for EVERYTHING but his mum tells him there is something wrong with him and tells him how his 'issues' make him react. His dad thinks he's fine and we think he's fine (apart from lacking any confidence and a severe fixed mindset) and medical professionals think he is fine.

Ahhh. That's bad.

Fairnuff

They aren't horror films. We have watched some harry Potter lately, Moslty PG stuff.. He really struggles to seperate it is a film. He will cry at the snowman at the end so I got him to watch ET the other week when it was on TV. I am hoping exposure will help

Sounds like you need a plan in place to encourage independent life skills for secondary and sounds like he is still behaving like a 9 year old child. Oh wait, he is still a 9 year old child!
Why would he not have a teddy? (One of mine chose not to take his to Sandhurst for fear of teasing. Others all took theirs to university and beyond).
Why would he need to be sexualised by purchasing adult toiletries such as deodorant and hair gel. Time enough for that during teen years. Soap and water is all that is necessary until after puberty.
Walking to school alone? Mine never really did as there are six of them - oldest couldn't because youngest was a baby still when she moved to secondary. Youngest always had older siblings. They can cross the road just fine as adults.
They all shared chores but weren't slaves - all quite capable adults.
Mine cuddle up on sofa, climb into bed in morning and like physical contact still.
Why do we rush our children to grow up,so quickly and then complain when they get out of hand?

Sorry haven't rtft fully but he sounds very similar to my ds (10)

He still loves his cuddly toys and won't sleep without about a million of them in his arms (ds1 (12) still has a couple on his bed too). When he goes on camp or to a sleepover all his friends have cuddly toys too and last time he went away he told me all the toys names and the stories they had been telling eachother

He does bath himself and wash his own hair (with nagging and me checking it's done properly).
He uses deodorant (again with nagging) because he stinks.
Hair gel goes in phases. He's always loved looking good ever since he was small and sometimes likes to gel his hair for a few days then gets fed up with having to wash it more often

He can make his own breakfast and lunch but I do it most days because he's still a child.

I ignore the baby voice (but his friends mum assures me her ds does it too).

We do still get tears, but my pet hate is people telling him to "grow up" or "stop acting like a girl". Sometimes I cry because I'm hungry/tired/ill and that's ok.

BurnTheBlackSuit Sat 04-Feb-17 10:00:29
"I think there are two categories of things here: life skills and fitting in with peers."

This.

reallyanotherone Sat 04-Feb-17 09:48:32
"I don't think the "fit in or you'll be bullied" message is always the best one though.

That's how my mum brought me up, to always be worried about what other people thought. Bullies sense weakness- the more i tried to fit in, the more i got bullied- ooh look at her, she has x trainers, does she think she's cool or something"

And this. Out of my family, the one most anxious to fit in with his peers was my eldest brother. And he was also the one who suffered most from teasing. I think self-conscious trying-to-fit-in-at-all-costs and self-conscious alternative-at-all-costs send the same message of weakness. But ultimately whether you are bullied or not will depend not on whether there is an easy target there but whether there is a bully. Not all classes have them.

Teach life skills because they are good things to have- just like phonics and arithmetic. But do it as a positive thing and a confidence-enhancer, not because you are frightened that he somehow has the wrong personality.

I agree re wanting your dcs to fit in. I encourage mine to not think about what other people might say about them but do things because they like it. Also to have them think about what they like about stuff.

Gosh this is an eye-opening read! I have a DS who is nearly 10, and one a year younger. I'm never sure if I'm over or under protective of them! My eldest has ASD so I find it so hard to balance.
For example, we all had a sickness bug a few weeks ago - I have a younger child as well as the eldest two boys. I still had to take & collect youngest from school. When DS1 was off I took him with me - he absolutely cannot be trusted home alone. I left DS2 (took about an hour to pick up) without a second thought though. He was fine.
DS 1&2 both walk from car to school alone, we drive them walk due to distance. DS1 has walked himself once when he was in a strop and I was frantic!
They are allowed down the road to the park in the right weather and to the nearest shop. They don't go out with friends but that doesn't seem to be the norm here anyway.
They have basic chores in the house: dishwasher, hoovering, keeping their own rooms tidy, putting their own clothes away. DS2 can bake cake alone but neither of them cook meals - they've not been interested yet but I intend to start soon anyway. They can, however, get breakfast for themselves and siblings. They can make toast/a sandwich/a cup of tea etc alone.
They wash, dry, dress independently etc but we're still expected to read with them every night by school we don't! They read their own books. They don't use toiletries beyond toothpaste/soap etc - no need yet.
Not sure if I've done enough yet in preparing them for teen hood?

He sound like my almost 10yo DS . mine is quite aware of how he comes across though, and that there is a need to "fit in", which he resents and find s stressful.
For me the way to get him to mature, without rejecting who and how he is, is to give him some responsibility. First something he wanted, a gerbil, which he had to clear out, then doing stuff he is less Keen on, like chores. It's really improved his sense of place in the world, and his confidence too.

OP don't be too hard on yourself about this. I think as he's an only child it's easy to think that they are the way they are due to parenting, but if you'd had another he/she could have been completely different despite the same parenting.

We don't have as much input into how they turn out as we like to think. A lot of things are just part of their personality. However, saying that it is our responsibility to try and encourage independence etc.

Thank you so much for the posts. I am quickly replying but will reply more properly later when I have more time.

He is in cubs, but ironically I'm a leader so he doesn't get the same level of independence from it as he might. I do keep my distance as much as possible, and he generally manages ok. I guess the move to scouts will help.

I do think k having siblings might have helped him toughen up- as he would be exposed to more bickering etc. at home. However him being an only child has not made me hang onto him for want of another baby- I've made an effort not to do that.