I think I've failed to help my 9yo grow up, please help.

[freshstart24]

I have an almost 10yo DS. He is a lovely sunny happy boy, but isn't very mature for his age. Until now I've felt that this is ok because I thought there is really no rush to grow up, and I guess I'm guilty of unknowingly encouraging him to stay immature.

For example, he isn't bothered about how he looks, his hair cut or what he wears; he loves teddies and cuddles and chats to them; he shows no interest in becoming more independent and has to be nagged to clean up after himself and remember things; he is very cuddly; he talks in a baby voice quite often; he is very sensitive.

I recently helped on a school trip and was struck by the difference in his peers. I felt like a bad parent as he was possibly the only boy without deodorant or hair gel. His room mates realised his attachment to his teddy and used this to upset him- causing him to be in tears which made things very tricky for me as he really wanted me to comfort him- but I felt this would open him up to further torment.

I feel like I have failed to help him grow up as he should. I've looked at my parenting through fresh eyes and wonder if subconsciously I don't want him to grow up too fast, so have ended up making him immature and ill equipped to deal with his peers. Everyone is different but my feelings on fashionable hairstyles and trendy clothes on kids is that they look a bit strange and overdone- but I think I've been wrong about this now.

Part of me feels I should embrace him as he is, and not make him feel rubbish for his immaturity. Another part of me feels I should help him mature.

I don't really know where to start in helping him grow up and be less childish.

Please, any thoughts or ideas would be much appreciated.

Thank you all for your advice.

I think I I do too much for him- with one child it's all too eat to just do things without thinking that he could do them himself. He puts his clothes away, makes the bed, loads and unloads dishwasher but not much more.

School is really really close, so you he could walk alone. The shop is only a 5-10 min walk, it would feel like a big stretch for him to go alone mainly due to the roads that need crossing. But I will give it some thought.

I'm going to have a think about what he could start to do. I know he won't appreciate it, but I'll have to make him do more.

Yes the baby talk is annoying. I do pull him up on it. However, he keeps doing it.

Does he have a group of friends? Is he interested in hobbies, going to any clubs?
I find it can help to develop Independence away from school, especially primary as they've all been together since they were 4. Maybe have a look at joining scouts, cadets, woodcraft .... Team-building type things.

My eldest is only 6 and I see her as being so much younger than her peers ... Your DS sounds like a gorgeous boy, don't be pressured OP, if you feel he's a happy, content soul; he's your boy and you know him. Let him lead you, maybe he feels scared of growing up, (my DD does when she sees the older kids bravado) which is why he wants you to baby him. You sound like you're really in tune, having the insight into your sons development and growth but part of me does agree with pp, in that sometimes, no matter what we do, they are who they are treasure him

DistanceCall Has a good point - not all of them get there in the end. They become the husbands people post threads about on MN who ''doesn't know how to look after the house''.

Rockings comment about DS being scared of growing up struck a chord- it does feel a bit like that TBH. Then I'm not sure whether to hold him close and let him feel that's ok for now (which I guess I've been doing), or whether to start being a bit more tough and forcing him to grow up a bit.

I was a single parent for a long while. Met a wonderful man 4 years ago, we are getting married in the summer. I think he is a great example for DS as he's a lovely man. He didn't take the lead in parenting though- we found that was the best way to help DS cope with him as a new partner. I guess he just supports me in my parenting of DS rather than interfering, and so he doesn't have a huge influence in DS.

Sigh, maybe this is another area I've failed in- DS hasn't a strong male influence at home....

In this case, I believe the OP's DS will get there 'in the end' as he has the support of a parent (the OP) who is questioning and seeking how/when to give independence.

I think you're being too hard on yourself! I imagine he will grow up to be a lovely man, if he needs a bit more independence it's not too late, you can slowly encourage him now.

I think by Year 5 he should be able to do things independently. Both of mine would go to local shops at that age.

School trip teddy-related meanness is definitely a no-no - I put a teddy on our Year 6 PGL kit list under 'essential items'!

I think you need to lift your expectations for him a bit. He should be asking for things in shops/ restaurants, using ticket machines etc.

And a terrible warning- I talked to the mother of one of my Year 6 children about his lack of responsibility yesterday. At the end of the conversation she KNELT DOWN AND ZIPPED HIS COAT UP FOR HIM...

My DH took a teddy to boarding school at the age of 13 and so did all the other boys!
My ds is 10 and has asd so emotionally his maturity does lag behind his age group. I'm encouraging him to do self-care things independently by pocket money incentives- he has a chart to keep track, the visual representation being very meaningful for him.

Does he have any interest in cubs, they seem to encourage independance, they also include a teddy on camping kit list

I'd ignore the baby talk rather than tell him to stop. There's a great saying that for some kids any reaction is positive.
Start by telling him you can't understand and will listen when he asks properly and then walk away. He'll learn quickly to come and find you if he needs something!

The tidying after himself is easy to solve. Just give him directions when he's finished something. I think with most things kids just do what's taught - they are still young at 9. I imagine he does things like put his book away at school because it's taught as the action that comes after reading iyswim?

Teddies - meh. Plenty of people still have them. The other kids need to stop being unkind.

Going out alone - meh. Not everyone needs or likes to do this.

But TBH by the sound of it your aren't babying him. You aren't drying him when he asks. You aren't dressing him when he asks. So the way he is is personality and I think a kind, friendly, easy going person is much better than a judgemental one who thinks they get to decide what people have in bed!¡

My DS only really started bothering about what he wore when he was around 10 and only started to use deodorant and style his hair when he started high school. I honestly didn't see a problem with it.

Like Kingscote says, at our Scouts/Brownies and School, teddies are always an essential on the packing list. I'd have a word with the school.

My DD is in Y5. She crosses a road to go to the local shop and will phone up her DGPs and ask to go around. She walks herself and crosses 2 roads.

In our village, we have regular charity coffee mornings. I've always expected them to order their own drink and snack. To go and order anything else they want later, whilst I sat and watched and to take back the dishes by themselves and say thank you. I like to think it's given them some confidence.

As well as the other suggestions for chores, does he cook? My DS has had the Usborne Cookbook for Boys from about 7 and at 12 can produce a family meal, if he's so inclined. I recommend the book and looking through it to see what he wants to try and doing this each week.

Oh, and I'd knock the baby voice on the head. My DD does this sometimes and we ignore her completely until she talks properly.

I think you know yourself as a parent when it's time and if there is a difference with other kids that makes you pause for thought.

Some of the things are normal at this age, others not so much, he really should no longer want you to see him change never mind dry and dress him and the baby voice isn't ok, but teddy bears and cuddles are.

Does he have friends? Kids over for play dates? Kids whose house he goes to? What are they like, generally kids can be peer led so his social circle is important.

I've an only child. And as much as at 19 she still has teddy bears and when home from uni I still find her child hood one in her bed after she has went back, I'd say she developed fairly much at the same pace as her peer group.

You need to be firm with him on the baby voice. Tell him he is no longer S baby and you do not want to hear it again and clearly communicate to him that drying and dressing him isn't going to happen he's a big boy now. Then try to take your lead from his friends and peer group.

He'll be going to senior school soon so at that point he will be with a lot of older kids, and I think you probably want to help him before that stage.

You need to encourage his independence. That doesn't mean treating him like a child. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Just trusting him and letting him do stuff and fail occasionally. Or pushing him occasionally. Don't hold him back because of your own fears

As for deadorant - please make sure he uses it if he needs it. They do start honking a bit at that age so a good idea for him to tackle that if necessary.

Does he do anything like cubs/scouts? That would be fab for him mixing with other boys not at school and help him learn independence. There are plenty of sensitive sweet boys who do that sort of thing but are also very mature as well.

Whilst I agree about building up his confidence by making him more independent I also think it's good to teach him that being different is okay. Make him feel fine about being himself rather than trying to change for the sake of others.

When he has a friend round, encourage them to go to the nearest shop for you and see if they can walk to school together. It is time to encourage more independence and prepare for secondary school.

please don't beat yourself up. you sound like a lovely mom and your DS sounds like a lovely normal and happy child.

My two DS (10) are like this and when I see some of the DC in their year with girlfriends, expensive fashions and swearing/joking about sex etc! I am so glad mine do still have that innocence.

They won't be children for long and surely a 9 year old should be playing with toys etc? It is sad that they are peer pressured to grow up too quickly.

Mine are off to secondary Sept so we are working on more independence, traffic sense etc. Will tgey get eaten alive at senior? no.

I think that the kids who never grow up are ones with emotionally dependent, manipulative, or over protective parents. OP, you do NOT sound like this at all. You sound lovely, and he sounds lovely.

As a parent it is your job to help your child grow into a caring, sensible and independent adult. I do know people in their thirties who run to mum when they need to call a company to ask a question...

I think that you should start now. I'd start with the baby voice, getting him to clean himself without prodding and give him a household task (different one every month or so). Don't feel sorry that he isn't little anymore, he is still your loving son.

I would also let him keep his teddy, that's pretty normal at that age

Make him feel fine about being himself rather than trying to change for the sake of others

Sorry this is going to sound harsh but in your post you clearly come across as wanting more chikdren and as you said you can't and I think you have therefore tried to make the most of your ds being a baby for as long as possible. You don't really want him to grow up and let go a bit as there's no younger sibling to move on to babying. I can completely understand feeling like this but I would spend some time dealing with these feelings for the sake of your son.
Practically I'd take baby steps towards pushing him towards independence and you letting go a bit - nothing major just take a new step every week or so.

Does he go to Cubs too OP? We've found it good for helping to learn new skills. Not just practical skills but also getting along in groups.

And ask Chinny says growing up and being independent isn't losing him - it's moving to a different relationship with you - you can still be as close. If you keep babying him the danger is when he's a teenager or older he may completely rebel and try and cut ties with you to be more independent. My husband did this to his mother moving countries as he didn't know how to have a more mature relationship with her without the babying ties but wanted to grow up and be a seperate man

It's not you! I'm not sure why some posters are so keen to judge other people's perfectly fine parenting?

I have two boys, 15 and 10. The older one was one of the 'cool' kids, not wanting to hang around with mum much, not playing with teddies, getting into clothes and appearance quite early. The younger one is more like your son - not embarassed to be seen with me (yet!), plays lots of imaginative games with teddies and still, sometimes, really annoyingly, talks in baby voice. I have to remind him to shower, but I think that's normal until they're 11 or 12; the imaginative play is lovely and will stop of its own accord I presume. As long as he's happy, don't worry - he'll find his niche.

I think kids are just different to each other and as long as they're ok, just let them get on with it. Your son's peers tease him because they are getting preteen self-consciousness already, poor them!

My eldest is just 9. He has never been to the shops or walked to school alone. There is quite a busy road to school with no traffic lights. If we are at the shops though he can take items to the checkout and pay.

He owns deodorant as he was a bit smelly in the summer but TBH hasn't needed it all winter so hasn't bothered with it

He will try and choose clothes that look good together but it's yet asking for any brands etc. He doesn't give a crap about his hair.

He can tie shoe laces, shower and wash hair etc

I think he's probably in the middle with his peers. Some of them travel to school alone. Others can't pour a drink from a made up lidded jug of squash which did surprise me as my three year old can do this!